This is my first post here. I have read HNHN and many of the posts here. I did not technically commit adultery, but I betrayed and hurt my wife with my self serving use of internet porn and chat rooms. I will not debate the impact of pornography on society. I only have to deal with the hurt that I caused to my wife; that is impact enough for me.

In a way I was addicted to porn and have used it for more than 30 years in some form. I had promised to cut back and stop using the chat, but I failed in that promise on numerous occasions and have been subsequently caught on the computer by my wife. I have finally taken responsibility for my actions and now her name is the password for my computer and websites. I apologized and flatly told her that I was behaving like a selfish [censored] and put porn above her feelings and my real values.

I am grateful that the Rational Recovery program was very effective in helping me get clarity on a problem that I have had for years. However, it has only been three weeks since her most recent discovery and my finally taking responsibility and turning things around.

I am a good man with morals and I set them aside for a selfish indulgence. My wife feels betrayed and hurt and I completely understand this. We are still living in the same house. I sleep on the couch. I have told her that she should not even consider giving me a second chance. If I use porn again she should divorce me because I would have willfully valued porn more than my love for her.

I am a moral man and I totally messed up. I fell short of my expectations and her's. It doesn't matter what others judge about porn; it is bad for me and it hurts my wife. I feel pretty lost. I can understand that she may decide to divorce me.

I want to win her back. I have no idea how to do that. I made abismal choices and now have to pay for them. I can be the man she needs and am willing to take my lumps for my past. I need some help in how to move towards the future. I don't know if I will ever be able to untangle the mess of the past, but I am hoping I can move forward to be the man I should be.

If any one has ideas I would be greatful. I have told her about the MB program and the HNHN book. She is not interested in pursuing this at present. Should I just wait quietly and hope or is there something I can do?

Thank you

show her you will fight for her

be her hero

pay attention .... an opportunity will present itself

Asking what you can do is a good start. That at least shows you care enough to try.

Definitely stick with the RecoveryNation program consistently. Anything less, will make her very unsafe.

Ask you WIFE to think hard about what SHE needs FROM you to recover from your addiction/infidelity. I believe porn is a form of infidelity. Then have her write down what she needs from you and then do your very best to do what she asks for. Any half a$$ attempts, will be felt by her.

If she hasn't already, she may need individual and marriage counseling to get through this, as well as you.

That is my suggestion and my husband used porn too, so I am aware of how she feels.

There are also some good threads on porn around here and in the recovery needs section. I think there was one in Emotional needs too.

Be PROACTIVE. Find those threads, read them, share them, learn from them and discuss with her what you learn. It is very important to be open about this with her or she'll be left guessing, and that will also make her feel unsafe.

I wish you well.

This is what I needed, and it's true. In my case at least.

I don't know how you can make it up to your wife. I do know why it hurts so much. Affairs are painful. They cut to the bone. And beyond. But, an affair at least involves a real woman. Some wooing is usually required. A little personal effort. It takes some work to replace a spouse with an affair partner. Not with porn. With porn you "say" to your wife, "You are so unimportant to me that I don't even need a real person to replace you. A picture in a magazine is plenty good enough for me." It is incredibly dehumanizing and devaluing to a wife.

I hope you can recover. I hope you can break the chains of your addiction. But, they are heavy chains. And long. My husband is also a Christian. But, his addiction has still molded his life. And warped our marriage. And our parenting. You have a hard road ahead of you. You'll have to remain determined. And constantly vigilant. Because, it's a slippery, very steep slope if you let yourself regress. God bless your effort. And my sincere sympathy to your wife.

I totally agree HIF.

2 1-post posters...hmmmmmm

As someone who until recently didn't "see" the damage porn can cause, I can tell you that like any other addiction, it too CAN be kicked, cold turkey.

I'm thinking that the time spent w/ porn has taken away from your meeting your W's emotional needs.

Read up here on Plan A...it's something you'll have to get very good at.

Look at the emotional needs and lovebusters questionnaires and fill them out.

Ask your wife to do same.

Court your wife again... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Good luck

L2F

Thanks for the replies thus far.

Howitfeels your husband could consider checking out Rational Recovery http://www.rational.org/
He is likely to be a good man that is making really stupid decisions. The origins of my use of porn are open to debate but my current reality is that I will never use porn again and I will never change my mind. I find that an important part of my recovery is Addictive Voice Recognition Therapy.

The beast part of my brain may desire self indulgent pleasure, or alcohol or gambling or whatever. I have to take responsibility for the fact that I actively chose to follow those urges and paid no consideration for my wife's feelings.

The Radical Honesty policy has been quite liberating for me. I no longer feel I have to hide things or sneak around or downplay what I did. I messed up royaly and betrayed my wife's trust. I feel ashamed for falling short of my own values and for hurting her. The positive thing is that I can admit it and take responsibility. If I am willing to take responsibility honestly it means that I can behave like the moral man I truly am from now on.

If you had "cyber sex" with anyone in those chat rooms, then yes, I believe you committed adultery. The only difference is you saved your wife from STDs.

Mopey I suppose the lack of STD is some small consolation, but I still betrayed my wife's love that is adultery as you suggest. I should forsake all others and that includes porn, gambling, booze, excessive TV, etc. for my wife. I did not and yes I committed adultery. You are right.

You hmmmmmmmmm all you like. I've posted here for years using my regular MB name. In all that time, I have not chosen to tell this part of my history. I saw no need to embarass my H. I don't see any need to embarass him now. You were a 1-post poster once, too, Learning2Fly. And with only just more than 180 posts, a lot more recently than I was. Did anybody hmmmmmmmmmm you?

Stalwart, this isn't a subject my H and I talk about any more. Haven't for years. Probably never will again. Not if I have to bring it up, anyway. But the pain went as deep as any pain ever could. I haven't forgotten it, either. Even if it's been a long time since the wounds were fresh.

Stal....with that humble attitude, you're going to do just fine. Just please don't be one of those men who come on here, make a post and dissapear. They pledge to "do anything" for their wives and say how serious they are, give false hope to the wife and well, I just know that Rome wasn't built in a day and recovery from stuff like this won't happen in a day either. Please forgive me for even suggesting that you would do that, but I've just seen it happen so many times and I want to stress to you, it'll take some consistency and care on your part to work through this with her. And knowledge is power, so it helps to learn and share.

Until you and your wife are well into recovery, my guess is that you could learn a lot here, so I hope you stick around and read and post here as the need arises. And right now, I can see a need. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

HIF, thank you for sharing what you did, it helps validate the way I feel also.

And thank you for saying why you chose a new name. That's honest sharing in my book.

I don't know how to explain what it does to a woman's soul to be less valuable to her husband than an image in a magazine, or on the internet. Stalwart needs to understand that betraying his wife like this hurts in a way that "regular" infidelity does not. Which hurts plenty bad, I know. Don't get me wrong. But, I just felt so cheap. Not slutty! Just not worth anything as a woman or a wife.

I'm guessing Stalwart will have to deal with this particular issue more than once in their recovery. Even if he never relapses. Be patient with her. She's been crushed.

Yes, HIF, I agree and have felt/feel everything you said.

And the cyber sex and phone sex felt like adultery EAs and PAs.

It was all pretty devasting.

That's because it was. Don't let anybody try and make you feel differently about it. There may not have been an exchange. But, body fluids were involved. And infidelity starts in the head well before it makes it to the groin. So I don't want to hear anybody say I was just looking so it doesn't count.

One more thing Stal....

Since you've broken several promises already, don't expect her to trust you for quite some time. The only thing you can do is live by your values and be patience and wait on her to see those changes in you.

But you also HAVE TO ADDRESS HER HURTS, if she cares to let you later down the road. If you're lucky enough, she just may give you a list of what she needs from you to recover.

Give her time. She may not feel like even investing anymore until she sees serious and consistent changes in you over time. That's the way I feel over my H's broken promises and lies.

And btw, I LOVE your sig line.

I couldn't agree more HIF and I knew up front, that it was adultery. I just had to convince my H of that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Technically, you did. This is not a good excuse. I hope you don't use it with your wife too many times. It will NOT help you recover! SHE knows what it was, and calling it something else only shows her you just don't get it.

Mopey, I'm glad I didn't call myself howitplays. Then my abbreviation would've been HIP.

HIP....lol...

I thought "HowItPlays" was even funnier....lol...

Hey listen, Stal mentioned a few posts ago that he agreed in fact that it was adultery. That's when I figured he had a chance. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />