Hi everyone,

Well, after a week of h*** and emotional turmoil, my H finally admitted that his R with the OW is/was an EA (he used those words)!! As upsetting as it was to hear that, it was also strangely calming, like balm on my soul. I had been carrying this around inside me for so long, that just hearing him verbalize the truth gave me a measure of comfort. I told him what the signs of an EA are, and why his R with this woman qualified, and he said that he had to agree that was the case for him. He also said that he had "been unfaithful" to me by continuing this and other flirtations with other women (e.g. sending flirty texts on Valentine's Day, etc.).

We worked on a NC letter this past weekend and sent it together via e-mail. Creating the letter was easier than I thought it would be, although we did argue a bit over the semantics. All in all, though, it went smoothly.

He saw her last night night at a business function, but said that they did not speak or even acknowledge each other's presence. Of course I'm not entirely sure that I believe that, but we are going forward with this plan of NC and rebuilding the M, so I am choosing to trust for the time being. I have asked H to be completely open with me regarding ANY contact he gets from her or any other woman, whether it be by email, phone, or whatever. He agreed to this, and said that he would indeed volunteer the information so that I wouldn't have to feel like I was dragging it out of him.

It's been very up and down for me emotionally (and for him too, I suspect), and I'm not sure what comes next. I sense a closeness between us--something new and possibly better--but I don't trust it or him at all. I am working hard on being the best me I can be, and meeting all of his ENs. He is doing the same.

Just wanted everyone to know that your guidence and advice has been so very helpful to me during this time. At times I still feel like I am losing it, but I can still always come back here and get centered again.

So..thanks to all.
E

Do they work together?

Contact and a healing, thriving marriage cannot exist simultaneously.

Sounds like he is making progress, and an NC letter is a big step. I don't want to sell him short for what he's doing.

Still, I would be negligent if I didn't warn you, with my own very personal experience to back it up, that any contact at all is too much contact. Even seeing her across the room at an occasional business function will damage your R efforts.

He told you he saw her, and this is good, but now he needs to make sure he will not keep seeing her, at any cost - even his job. It is a small price to pay for your safety.

NO thank goodness--but they do work within the same community (legal) and thus must attend the same bar functions. There's no way around that, unfortunately. We are talking about moving out of state anyway, so that would be really helpful in solving that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Yay moving!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Thanks Neak--I couldn't agree more. he seems to want to be transparent thus far, but really only time will tell. he knows there can't be any contact other than what is unavoidable due to the legal functions he must attend (she is a "power player" in their circle).

Ditto that!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

seriously, tho--I still don't trust that they didn't speak, or that she hasn't tried to contact him regarding the NC letter. I somehow can't believe that she has gone dark after all of this!

Unlikely that they didn't speak.

It is quite common for them to not go gently into that good night. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

lol--yes, I was thinking the exact same thing. *sigh* I wish I had a little bird's eye view of everything he does during the day. The not-knowing-for-sure is driving me crazy.

Are spouse's not allowed to attend the after hour functions?

If they are, perhaps you can "sign up" to attend all of them with him. Is that possible?

No matter your proclamation that there is no way around his attending functions where the OW is also present, the ONLY thing there is no way around is the NEED for NC. Everything else is secondary.

As for his EA...don't assume you are getting the entire truth right now....I would venture a guess that his admission at this point is somewhat of a smokescreen to attempt to hide a PA.

Be careful.

I agree with mk. You cannot allow contact at all, however small it is.

My WH has told me that EVERYTHING is replaceable except our marriage. He will change jobs, cities, states, countries...anything we have to do to get away from OW. If your WH is willing to move, don't wait. Do it. I think it is the only way to start healing.

My DH had the first half of his affair while working with OW. I caught him in the EA and he "ended it." But it only took one phone call to rekindle it. Now, two years later, we're finally completely removed from OW and all who know her. It seems drastic, but it's too much of a chance to take.

I wish there were a law that you could restrict a person from contacting you simply based on an ended A. (I know that you can if there is threat, but I want it BEFORE that).

I would find a way around that if you want your marriage to be affair free. If you are not that bothered by his adultery, then I wouldn't worry about it too much.

But he will be triggered every time he sees her at one of these events. It is the same as an alcholic who has an OCCASIONAL DRINK. That drink triggers the cravings in him.

Being "honest" about contact will not solve the problem. Nor will attending WITH him. Seeing her will trigger his feelings, whether you are there and despite his "honesty."

How to Survive an Affair chapter in HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS
p. 177

...I have seen husbands build new and wonderful relationships with their wives but then go back to their lovers after five or six years of what appeared to be marital bliss. When I ask them why, they inevitably tell me they miss the woman terribly and still love her. At the same time they stoutly affirm they love their wives dearly and would not think of leaving them.

I believe a man like this has told the truth. He is hopelessly entangled and needs all the help possible to be kept away from his lover and stay faithful to his wife. I often recommend that a man once involved in an affair come in to see me every three to six months on an indefinite basis, just to talk about how things are going and to let me know how successfully he has stayed away from his lover. He must resign himself to a lifetime without her. HE MUST CERTAINLY NOT WORK WITH HIS FORMER LOVER AND SHOULD PROBABLY LIVE IN SOME OTHER CITY OR STATE. Even with those restrictions the desire for her company persists...

Sometimes they are (if they are more overtly social events, such as balls, dinner dances, etc) but usually they are for members only. This Friday there is another function that is beging arranged by one of the judges--a dinner for all former law clerks. I don't think I'd be able to go to that one.

He doesn't HAVE to go either. It might harm his career. It might make people wonder what's up. That really is not your problem. NC, it is a consequence of his choice. It isn't negotiable, and he'll just have to figure it out. If he won't, then you are very likely to have future problems in your M as a result, and you would be very wise to enforce this boundary as a non-negotiable condition of your marriage.

Bottom line is, if you do not insist on 100% no contact, if the affair rekindles you will have no one to blame but yourself.
Graplin's question makes no sense since NO CONTACT means NO CONTACT. It doesn't mean contact while the BS is there is to be allowed.
Without NC, your recovery will fail.

I cannot "allow" contact? What am I suppsed to do, treat him like a child? Follow him around? "FORCE" him to stay home? The stark reality is that I can't control where he goes or who he sees--I can only ASK him to avoid contact with this person, and if he sees her, to not make personal contact w/her or acknowledge her presence. There's a point where I am going to have to back off and allow him to make the choice he wants to make. He's a free entity, just as I am. I would never concede to being controlled in a marriage. All we can control are ourselves, and our reactions to other peoples' choices. If he chooses to see her, then I know what I have to do. He knows how I feel about this, and what will happen if he continues to persue her. Maybe I'm wrong about this--if anyone wants to contradict, please feel free! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hmmm, he called a spade a spade? Considering they were meeting secretly, I highly doubt it was only an EA.

Sorry, but you need to move out of state right away.

Also I would watch him like a hawk. Put a GPS on his car to see what he is up to during "work".

My instincts and gut feelings (which have been dead-on accurate thus far) tell me there has not been a PA, but that he may have been toying with the idea of one. Certainly he admitted that he "thought about it" in regards to seeing an ex-girlfriend. For me, though, the fact that this was an EA is almost worse. It's tougher to break an emotional connection with someone than a "connection" with a one-night stand or fling. But, that said, I am being careful and wary. I'd be fool if I weren't.

No contact should be your boundary and a non negotiable condition for your continuing working on recovery. If you do not do this, I guarantee you, you will fail.

And BTW, I doubt that oyur instincts are correct. Men want sex and I would bet there has been a PA. I say that based on experience on these boards. You may be right, but I would bet against it.