Well, I've been D'd 8 mos. now. Friends suggested I check out Match.com. I was always against it, but figured, ExH has a life with OW, and although I am still having a very hard time with it all, I thought I might give it a whirl. I signed up. Had a man from a nearby town email me. He appeared handsome in his picture and his profile seemed nice. We emailed for a few days, and then talked on the phone. He asked me out for a drink. Went the other night. He was very nice, polite, but I just could tell it wasn't going to click.

Was I comparing him to ExH? Yes! Was that fair to him? No!

Regardless of that, I just didn't really like him enough to pursue a relationship.

He asked me at the restaurant if he could hold my hand. I thought that was a bit weird, but I said O.K. Then he asked me if he could kiss me. I thought he was moving way too fast, and this is where the "I'm such an a$$" comes in. I said yes! Why did I do that? I didn't like him that way. He did kiss me, a wet slobbery one.

We left after a few hours and he walked me to my car. He kissed me again and I reciprocated. Gosh, am I that needy? I know it's been awhile since I've been with a guy, well, you know, kissing and all, but why did I lead him on? While I was kissing him I was thinking this isn't right. I was thinking, gee ExH kissed way better than him! Do I not have boundaries? Am I that desperate?

I know he definitely likes me more than I like him. He emialed me the next day saying he wants to see me again and he had a good time and I was a good kisser!

I don't want to see him again. I told him I was busy with a lot of stuff, which is true, but I can't do that forever!

I know I should be honest, I just always had a hard time with that, knowing I would be hurting someone's feelings.

Maybe I'll never get over ExH and should just forget it all and be happy being alone!

Thanks for letting me vent.

Cat

Well, at least you got out! I did the match.com thing for a bit, and met quite a few men. Had lots of fun with some, and others just weren't that interesting. However I didn't KISS any of them.

I tried to think of it as just meeting more people and getting out.

You'll do fine. Next time, just say no.

Yeah, I don't know why I didn't say no in the beginning.

I'm starting to think I will never get over my ExH!

You will. It is just very difficult at first. I met some nice men, but no one seemed to compare. But give it some time, and your feelings will probably change. You will meet someone who cares for YOU and gives you the affection you deserve!

Just realize that you are very vulnerable right now, and take it slow. No more swapping spit!!!!!

Cat

If he emails again, just be honest. Tell him you are recently D and this is the first date you've been on. But it still does not feel right to you so you are going to hold off on dating for a bit longer.

You're doing fine. Give yourself a break!!! I'm sure this is difficult. (((Cat))))

Believer,

I know. I feel like such a wh$re! That's really not like me. Again I just think I wanted to be with someone again. No sex, not like that, but the last time I kissed someone was my ExH, and that was almost 2 years ago! How pathetic is that!?

Thanks Michele,

I will tell him that. That's a nice way of saying it without hurting his feelings, and unfortunately I don't think I am ready. I want to be, but as I said, I still can't get over my ExH.

How quick it was for him to get over me and move on though...

Cat

There's nothing wrong with wanting to feel close to someone even if it's just to be held. I know you've had a very difficult time. For that I am truly sorry.

Have you been trying to do fun things with friends? Start a new hobby?

Honestly, you shouldn't go out with him for other reasons as well.

The fact that he laid a wet kiss on you...IN A RESTAURANT...on you first date says everything you need to know about that man.

Expect more from your dates...and you will demand more from yourself as well.

Try looking for men that want to do things with you. I DID have a lot of fun dating. I met some great men, and some that were not so great. I didn't end up being steady with any of them, but it did give me my confidence back. Also I did a lot of different things.

One guy wanted to get married. I'd only known him for about 3 months, and he had lost his wife just 6 months before that. He was retired Navy, and had a good job. I liked him, and grew to care for his daughters, but he was in too much of a hurry.

I kept in touch with him and he ended up marrying someone and then was not happy. He'd been happily married for 25 years, and didn't wait long enough.

hey cat, I would tell your dates beforehand to keep their mitts off you. [put it more diplomatically than that] I cannot, for the life of me, remember how I said this, but I told my now H before our first date that if he touched me, I was GONE. He was a perfect gentleman until the 4th date and then he tried to kiss me on the cheek. That was ok by then, though. I had not been on a DATE since I was 21 so I was very uncomfortable about being kissed, touched.

I was able to relax and have fun, though, by just telling myself to pretend I was having lunch with a collegue or business associate! Anyway, we had a good time and I ended up married to him!

Yes you are all right. Why would I want to go out with a guy that did that on the first date anyway? No respect for me. But he can say he did ask, which he did, and I obliged...

I haven't been on a date in 22 years. I guess I was just caught off guard. No excuse though!

Yes, I will definitely be more in control with the next guy I date...if there is one.

Well at least I wasn't so needy to sleep with him! ;-)

Cat,

You are not an a$$. Maybe that was a good thing. You will be more aware from now on. It could have been much worse.

You aren't ready, so give it more time because there is nothing wrong with being alone for a while. Sure, we do get lonely, but it gives us time to heal.

I have a friend who has some real funny stories about the guys she met on Match. She finally gave up on it. The entertainment value was priceless though. Gave our knit club a few good weeks of laughs.

It will happen when the time is right. I hope that things have gotten better for you over the last few months. I know that you have had a tough time....

Hang on folks. Before we go ascribing blame to this poor guy for kissing her in the restaurant....

she said "yes".

So if she didn't want to, she should have, and could have, said, "no". By her own admission, she didn't say what she was feeling.

This is a very common complaint of people - they don't say what they mean, and the other person says, "But she (or he) told me something different!"


In looking at relationships in general, marriages in specific, it's very important to say what you mean.

catgirl,
If you want the next relationship to get started on the right track, you have one chance to do that. So start from the very beginning with saying what you really mean. If you aren't ready to hold hands or kiss, just tell him that.

Radical honesty, beginning from day one, will work so much better for the relationship. What a beautiful and firm foundation your next marriage will have if you start with that!

And if a guy can't handle a simple, "You know, let's just take this slowly. I'd like to have a chance to get to know the REAL you, and allow for the rest of a relationship to follow naturally. Let's save the physical stuff for when we are both ready." - then he's probably not worth much more than a nice lunch and "bye-bye".


You hang in there catgirl. It's hard to put yourself back out in the dating scene. You know, someone once told me it's when you stop looking that the right one comes along. Who knows?

SB

SB, I agree with you more often than not...she did say yes. BUT, he deserves some scorn for even asking the question.

bwhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa LMAO bwhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I am glad I could make you laugh. I will assume that is agreement

don't assume nuttin'honey

"scorn" seems overwrought to me

since scorn has a meaning that includes "to consider unworthy" I think it fits perfectly. I would think a person that acted that way on date #1 is unworthy of being considered a good catch.

Wow Whee, Cat!!

I remember how you were back in the day...

You've come a LONG WAY!!

That was soooo brave of YOU to check out Match.com and THEN to go out on a DATE..OMG..

Don't call yourself names...

Pat yourself on the back for how far you have come...

Take it as a learning experience...

I prolly would have GOOFED worse than that...

Haven't been kissed anyone else other than my H since I was a teenager... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

I APPLAUD YOUR EFFORTS!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />