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#2032234 03/12/08 12:13 PM
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My H wants to know what the definition of an A is...be it physical, emotional, whatever. What makes it an A and not a friendship?

Any ideas? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />


BW 37 (Me).
F?WH 35.
06/97 Married.
Three sons...4, 5, and 7.
06/04 EA begins (Unknown to me).
02/10/05 D-Day EA (Unknown PA).
02/24/08 D-Day LTA 3+ YEARS! (same OW).


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I'm gonna recommend that you go back to your other thread and do not entertain this conversation with your H.

He KNOWS what an AFFAIR is and so do YOU!

After what he has done, you have to use EXTRAORDINARY PRECAUTIONS to PROTECT your MARRIAGE from now on...that means ABSOLUTELY NO EXCLUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX EVER AGAIN...PERIOD...that goes for the BOTH OF YOU...


I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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I hear your advice, I am simply looking for a "definition" of affair.

He and I have already put Extraordinary precautions in place and are working through the steps in the book. He is not associating with any OW at this point. I think he just wanted to know what defines something as an A. Is it a feeling or are there guidelines?


BW 37 (Me).
F?WH 35.
06/97 Married.
Three sons...4, 5, and 7.
06/04 EA begins (Unknown to me).
02/10/05 D-Day EA (Unknown PA).
02/24/08 D-Day LTA 3+ YEARS! (same OW).


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you have to use EXTRAORDINARY PRECAUTIONS to PROTECT your MARRIAGE from now on...that means ABSOLUTELY NO EXCLUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX EVER AGAIN...PERIOD...that goes for the BOTH OF YOU...
I think this should be pretty helpful.


BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
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Sorry but you WH sounds like a real piece of work there. Like the other poster said you both KNOW the answer but I looked it up and did a little piecing together for you.

Affair:
matter, concern a romantic or passionate attachment typically of limited duration : liaison a matter occasioning public anxiety, controversy, or scandal : case

There are 4 words underlined so I looked them up for you also. The words are matter, concern, case and liaison. As you will see, by the time you get to the last one (liaison) it brings it right back to affair. I also left in the Etymology of the word case because I found it ironic.

Matter:
a subject under consideration
a subject of disagreement or litigation
the events or circumstances of a particular situation

Concern:
to relate to : be about
to bear on
to have an influence on
involve;
to be the business or affair of <the problem concerns us all>
to be a care, trouble, or distress to
engage, occupy
to be of importance : matter

Case:
a set of circumstances or conditions
a situation requiring investigation or action
the object of investigation or consideration
condition; specifically : condition of body or mind

[Middle English cas, from Anglo-French, from Latin casus, translation of Greek, literally, fall]

Liaison:
a close bond or connection : interrelationship
an illicit sexual relationship : affair


W (me) 44
H 43
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DS 17
DS 15
DD 13
DD 8
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HTM,
The question from your H is a bit disturbing IMO.
It reminds me of the way a child attempts to get around the RULES. By asking What is the definition, when he full well knows what constitutes an affair. For example, If you tell him its an inappropriate sexual and/or emotional relationship between two people who are not married to each other, he can attempt to use that against you...he can say "well I am not in a sexual or emotional relationship she is just a friend, can't I have friends?"...It sounds like he is looking for "loop-holes" by asking for a definition....I hope that is NOT the case, but just be aware that he knows exactly what an affair is, just as well as you do.

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I KNOW what my definition of an A is because it is a relationship with OW that goes against my marriage. I just wanted to know if there was a concise definition out there. I hadn't been able to find one that didn't include "romantic" which is something my H still denies. He had sex, he had an EA, but he never felt "romantic." I know it's just semantics. It just came up in a long discussion of many other things and I didn't have a good definition.

Geez, chill out, y'all. I'm not in denial that he had an affair. He's not in denial that he had an affair. I was just looking for a definition.


BW 37 (Me).
F?WH 35.
06/97 Married.
Three sons...4, 5, and 7.
06/04 EA begins (Unknown to me).
02/10/05 D-Day EA (Unknown PA).
02/24/08 D-Day LTA 3+ YEARS! (same OW).


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Geez, chill out, y'all.
Hick, it has been my experience that people on here come to this place because they are truly hurting inside from a trauma so deep it has caused much heartache and devastation in their lives.

I think that people on here take WH's actions and questions very seriously. We get uptight because people see manipulation or things a WW does where you might not.

We aren't trying to attack you or hurt you, but make sure you are in the best possible place to work through your own individual situation.

I hope that makes sense.


BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
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Thank you for that. I'm sorry if I was harsh.

I know that I am very emotionally vulnerable right now and that no one here is trying to add to that pain. I just was really asking a simple question and didn't want it to be read into as my DH making excuses...he's not.

I'm the one with OCD. He asked the question in passing, and I didn't have an answer so I NEEDED to find the answer to find the end of the thought for me.

Sorry again.


BW 37 (Me).
F?WH 35.
06/97 Married.
Three sons...4, 5, and 7.
06/04 EA begins (Unknown to me).
02/10/05 D-Day EA (Unknown PA).
02/24/08 D-Day LTA 3+ YEARS! (same OW).


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The point is, why would you have to come up with a definition in the first place? To prove to him that he REALLY had an A??? That doesn't make any sense. He knows he had an A, regardless of the fact that you can't find a definition that doesn't state the word romantic. Don't you see that even looking for a definition is pointless...if he denies he had romantic feelings it doesn't matter, it was still an A... You may not like the advice you're getting, but maybe you should go back and read it again..Mimi hit the nail on the head..
ETA: I just read your post about having OCD and needing to find the answer..that is a separate issue..I still think your H's question is one that he already knows the answer to..If you need to find the answer now for yourself that is one thing, but finding it for HIM is another issue.

Last edited by robertswife; 03/12/08 01:37 PM.
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Does anyone have that Dr Phil quote?

It goes something like if you do or say anything that you wouldn't do with your spouse standing right next to you, then ....?

HTM,

Your WS doesnt' really need a definition. Sure I guess that it might be OK for him to have this friend, but the problem is that neither he or this female friend want you to be a part of their friendship. That should tell you the nature of this particular friendship and the direction it is heading in.

Does this friendship make you uncomfortable? If the answer to that is yes, then your WH should end the friendship. His first responsibility and loyalty needs to be you.

Who


I am the BW,
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D-Day: 12/02/03

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I just wanted to know if there was a concise definition out there. I hadn't been able to find one that didn't include "romantic" which is something my H still denies.

Here's one I've heard. It is any relationship that takes sexual or emotional energy that should be spent on the spouse, and gives it to another person behind the spouse's back.

It's not a perfect definition, but it worked pretty well for me.

Kathi

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Click on the ARTICLE link at the top of this page, then scroll down to the article "What is an Affair (Food for Thought)" by Steve Harley. I think that about covers it.

Last edited by Exodus1414; 03/12/08 01:35 PM.
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I like that one Kam.

Thanks


BW 37 (Me).
F?WH 35.
06/97 Married.
Three sons...4, 5, and 7.
06/04 EA begins (Unknown to me).
02/10/05 D-Day EA (Unknown PA).
02/24/08 D-Day LTA 3+ YEARS! (same OW).


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Excellent article. I think that is what I needed. I know that it is really defined by the BS and doesn't really mean the same thing for everyone, but my logical side wanted a "definition."


BW 37 (Me).
F?WH 35.
06/97 Married.
Three sons...4, 5, and 7.
06/04 EA begins (Unknown to me).
02/10/05 D-Day EA (Unknown PA).
02/24/08 D-Day LTA 3+ YEARS! (same OW).


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HTM did you have traditional vow's at your wedding.

If so, you both took a vow to 'forsake all others' which means he doesn't get to have individual close relationships according to this vow, you two are supposed to be unique to one another.

NRO


BH - me - 29
WW - 28
Married 07/2001
D-Day #2 - 03/01/2008
03/22/2008 - NC Established
05/??/2008 - NC Broken (I think)
07/01/2008 - WW 'Unsure of what she wants to do'
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Does anyone have that Dr Phil quote?

Here ya go!
Want to know if something is cheating? If you wouldn't do it with your spouse standing there, it's cheating.


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H 43
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DS 17
DS 15
DD 13
DD 8
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Does anyone have that Dr Phil quote?

Here ya go!
Want to know if something is cheating? If you wouldn't do it with your spouse standing there, it's cheating.

Yes, that one sounds good, but I have had my WH do some completly outrageous flirting and touching with other women while I stood right there beside him. It was almost as if my being there meant it couldn't possibly be anything "bad" . . .

Here's my definition: "Allowing an opposite-sex person to fill your emotional needs, and you filling theirs, instead of spouses reserving this only for each other."

HOWEVER - I do most strongly agree with the other posters NOT to get involved in providing your WH with a detailed description of what an affair is, or what a date is, or any of that stuff.

That's because if you do this, you can fully expect him to do some outrageous thing and then say, "Oh, but I didn't think you meant THAT! You didn't say anything about THIS!" And you will lose your ever-lovin' mind trying to cover EVERYTHING.

Don't fall for it.

Give him the MB definition of an affair. Give him a copy of *Not Just Friends*. But do NOT get sucked into trying to define everything that could be cheating.

You will lose every time.
Mulan


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That's because if you do this, you can fully expect him to do some outrageous thing and then say, "Oh, but I didn't think you meant THAT! You didn't say anything about THIS!" And you will lose your ever-lovin' mind trying to cover EVERYTHING.
When I read this I almost wet my pants! I read this part and I thought, that is EXACTLY what my DH and I talk about when it comes to the kids! Just the other day we had to sit all of them down and discuss leaving the school grounds. I found out our 12 year old (who was staying after school for drama) left the school with 10 of his 12-13 YO friends. The school is in an iffy area. They crossed the 4 lane road in front of the school and walked 1 mile north to a store at an intersection of a 6 lane road. You would think they would KNOW they aren't supposed to leave the school with out our permission. It came out in a conversation I had with him a week later so I know he really didn't realize how dangerous it was. DH and I joked about what else do we have to tell them, no jumping off the roof into the swimming pool....wait, gotta go talk to the kids.


W (me) 44
H 43
Married 19 years
DS 17
DS 15
DD 13
DD 8

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