I'm reposting here after suggestions in Plan A/Plan B that I'll get more feedback at this topic. Hope it's true! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
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Hello, all, first-time poster here. I'll try to give some background as succinctly as possible. My wife and I have been married 17 years, with two teenage kids, 13 and 15. Over the past several years things have been growing more distant between us. Partly because of financial difficulties, and lots of other stuff on our plates, I've become more and more cut off from her during this time. My bad, I do get that.

Half a year ago, my wife told me that she was bottoming out emotionally, and if I couldn't figure out how to reconnect with her, she would become open to someone else doing so. We should have run straight to counseling right then and there, but again, my bad, unfortunately I just procrastinated thinking she was just being "moody." Dumb.

Around the first of the year, I found a new, unknown (to me) cell phone in my wife's jacket pocket; in reality this phone was my entry ticket to He11. Since that time, I've become aware that she's involved with another man romantically (Emotional Affair), if not physically, and that at this point, perhaps the only thing keeping us together is our kids. We did start counseling almost immediately back in January once I woke up to what was happening.

Since we started counseling, I've been trying to figure out whether she's there because she truly believes we have a chance, or whether she's perhaps "following a process" that will let her exit the marriage being able to assure herself that she did everything possible to save it. Or, maybe she's already decided to stay with me, but needs to make the process work as well as it can to help me reconnect with her.

I, on the other hand, am of two minds about what to do now. On the one hand, I'm thinking about "Bowen family dynamics theory" which says that you can't interfere with another's relationship with a third party, and that doing so will only drive the one you care about farther away. On the other hand, is the Plan A/Plan B approach of this forum (and many others) that essentially takes a zero tolerance approach.

I've tried to communicate my hurt and shame to my wife, and suggested that her relationship with the other guy needs to end if we're to have any real chance in counseling. Her response is that I need to focus on the things that caused her to move away from me in the first place, work on fixing them, and hope that she'll once again gravitate back to our home and to me.

So, the question is, is it time for a firm Plan A/Plan B approach? Or should I try to keep going, knowing that her feelings for the other guy are continuing? How do you all feel about drawing this line in the sand? Will it blow things up, or set things right?

And for any marathoners out there, this is feeling just like mile 22. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Stop being gaslighted by your W. YOU are not the cause of her infidelity. SHE is.

Plan A. And find out who the OM is and expose to all that can help to end the A, including the OMW if he's M'd.



YES!

OK, so here's a follow-up. I purchased a copy of SAA, have read it, but now am wondering if I should ask my WW to read it? Should I insist she read it? For what purpose?

Is asking WW to read SAA like saying, "here's your future - this is what I'm prepared to do if things don't change"? Is SAA really just for us Bs, or is there something to be gained by asking the W to read it before you actually start to DO it?

I never tried to get my wayward to read it personally and in other people's stories, waywards who are in current contact with their other persons will almost universally refuse. Those few who will read, are blinded by the fog, as they say, to the message.

In the end, Plan A and Plan B are about YOU and what YOU are going to do for yourself and your marriage and don't require any understanding on the part of your wayward to work

You're trying to "fix" your WW.

Leave in a noticeable place in the house. If she's interested, she'll pick it up and read it.

Plan A is NOT about you...

Plan A is all about meeting your wifes needs.....

It is about there BEING contact with the OP...and YOU verbalizing the dire pain of that contact...
without
disrespectful judgements
with out ultimatums
with out pressure
with out long drawn out relationship talks....

while you meet and address as many of her needs as you can...

what are YOU doing in your marriage to make your self..

charming
available
noble
exciting
interesting
to your spouse....
are you kind to her....etc etc etc...
(cause I garuntee you that the OP is....)

what needs are you meeting of hers ...

what are the things you were doing that she told you about that left her 'feeling' open to an affair...

note without doubt that she is 100000000000000000% accountable for the affair actions....

Bowen family dynamics theory" which says that you can't interfere with another's relationship with a third party, and that doing so will only drive the one you care about farther away

what the heck kind of theory is that...
since when does a marriage involve third parties...
since when does one change or alter the core definition of marriage...

there is plan A without discussing plan A...followed by plan B...

there is no discussion of plan A ..or of plan B...they are of no concern to the WS


what are the ages of the children

what are your plans for full custody if she chooses to be with OM
have you expressed these to your wife
have you seen a lawyer to establish no contact between the OM and the children while married etc...

is the OM married...if so does his wife know of the affair...she has the right to know and make informed decisions about her life....etc
have you EXPOSED to the OM that you expect contact to cease...

as well as exposing her affair to others that can have an influence on her choices...
those are parts of plan a...

lines in the sand just get moved around...it is very very important that in plan A..when a WS words have little meaning that YOU speak clearly plainly and directly...

ARK

very brief threadjack: Hello Ark!

ARK,

Thanks for the thoughtful reply. There's no question in my mind that we're fully in Plan A at this point - it kind of started without "starting," mainly through my first telling WW that I feel that the A needs to end before we can make progress in counseling. She's gotten the message, and actually has cut way back on seeing the OM (this has been an EA, so the quantitative part is important). Not completely stopped seeing him, but cut way back.

I'm having a tough time with one particular aspect of Plan A, that there be no demands or ultimatums made. Last night we were talking about the thing that I feel is the number one issue for us right now, which is rebuilding trust between us. WW got a P.O. Box back in January, opened a separate bank account and credit card, all sent to that address. I certainly don't have a problem with a separate, even private bank account just for her in the future, but at this point the obvious trust issues are overwhelming.

So, in Plan A, SAA dicates that there be no separate finances, right? The problem is that it's terribly easy for a discussion about an issue like that to wind up sounding like an ultimatum: "I KNOW you feel a need to have independent finances, but I don't think we can learn to trust each other right now unless you share the details about the account with me." Is that a respectful request (not a lovebuster) or an ultimatum (definitely a severe lovebuster)?

How do you pursue and reach agreement on the "terms" of Plan A without violating the very basic idea that ultimatums or demands are forbidden?

Thanks,