Discussions I have had recently with some people from this forum as well as non-MB people have prompted me to place this thread regarding forgiveness.
It is my opinion that forgiveness is a "gift" we give to ourselves. I do think that some people because of their psychological make-up are not as able to forgive because their minds associate many, many things with the affair.

So, what I would like this thread to focus on is practical ways for people that are struggling with triggers and forgiveness to move forward. While I do not mind mention of a religious ideal of forgiveness, I do not want this thread to merely become a discussion about what we are commanded to do. There are very good people, Christian and otherwise, that struggle with forgiveness.

Can we help them?

Interesting that you brought this up. I was having a conversation about this a few days ago. There are many references to the value of forgiveness, both religious and otherwise. But I often wonder about it because there seem to be different situations. I would even say some things are unforgivable. For example, how does one forgive a WS who has lied, cheated and stolen from their BS and family, shows no remorse and continues to take advantage of any and every opportunity to make the BS (and family) feel bad? How does one forgive the cold-blooded murderer of their child? How would this "forgiveness" be a gift to oneself?

It's not to say that the BS (or the mourning parent) is actively out for vengence. One can accept the realities of their misfortune and make peace with oneself without forgiving the person who wronged them.

It is certainly different in a case where there is true remorse. I can see how that statement holds true there. But how can there be forgiveness without remorse?

I think that having empathy for the other person is a big help when trying to forgive.

Empathy meaning, of course, an appreciation of how the other person feels.

Sometimes this requires looking back at how the other person may have felt lost or neglected for years. In my marriage, my wife hadn't especially been meeting my ENs for a long time - she forgot my birthday once, and my birthday is a national holiday. But when I realized how unhappy she was, I was forced to look at how I'd treated her over the years. Looking at the relationship thru her eyes, I saw how lonely and neglected she must have felt for years and years.

That empathy helped me to forgive her for the wrongs she had done to me.

Of course in my case, my wife hadn't actually had an affair... but she had been on the verge of one, and she had for a short time a one-sided "crush" on her ex-boyfriend. I had hurts and pains to forgive, and I had much more hurt and pain to seek forgiveness for, but it didn't include betrayal.

I think the principle is the same, though.

There are a couple of situations here on the board where it is so obvious the WS is lost, confused and stumbling in the dark. It is obvious to me that the WS is going to be very unhappy with his or her life. I think that in a situation like that, it would probably be easier for the BS to forgive the WS.

I think forgiveness is a gift to yourself because you are freeing yourself from carrying around the anger towards another. It does NOT mean you necessarily accept them back in your life...just that you forgive their trespass if they ask for forgiveness.

I don't see the empathy angle myself. I cannot in anyway empathize with a decision to have an affair...it is never understandable in my opinion.

I don't mean empathy as a synonym for excuse or condone.

I don't in any way excuse or condone adultery... but I can understand how someone can feel lost and lonely for a long time, find themselves vulnerable to attentions from someone else, develop feelings for that person, and then find themselves in over their head.

This doesn't describe a serial cheater... but it does describe the way many affairs start. It takes a certain strength of character to be able to resist temptation when it is right in your face. Much easier to have boundaries and keep away from temptation in the first place - but by the time one has slid down that slippery slope and developed feelings for another person, it's too late for that.

Anyway, I don't know if empathy is required for forgiveness. I'm just offering it up as a potentially helpful tool for those who struggle with forgiveness.

I agree forgiveness is a gift you give yourself... my mother-in-law still harbors bitter feelings toward her ex-husband, who left her 45 years ago and has been dead for 3 years. It dominates her thinking and has wrung any enjoyment out of life for her over the past several decades. I see what an unforgiving heart can bring.

Sometimes, though, forgiveness is also a very precious gift you can give the other person "forgivee". I would think a former wayward spouse who is doing all he or she can to make up for the damage they have inflicted - and who is acutely feeling the guilt their actions brought upon them - would find forgiveness to be a great gift from their former betrayed spouse. In my case, my wife forgave me for all the neglect, all the lies, all the damage I had caused to her and to our relationship. I am extremely grateful to her for that forgiveness, and the second chance she has given me... and this is three years after we reconciled and reconnected.

Edited to change the phrase "other person" to "forgivee". I didn't mean to make reference to an OP.

This really touched me- 2 years after my EA, I still get "You're a wh**e and I don't like you." Just less than a week ago And nothing, I mean NOTHING I do is good enough. I would never have made him do the things I have had to do were the shoe on the other foot.

As a matter of fact, I am worse off emotionally than when I had my A, the only difference now is that I will never do that to MYSELF or my children again. I will, however, divorce with no remorse if I need to, and it's getting close to that.

Perhaps he won't care, he says he won't, but wouldnt' it be easier to forgive a wayward spouse who has done everything she can to be forgiven than divorce? I know I "started it," to use 3 year old language, I guess maybe he's trying to get me to end it too.

I have done all I need to do in the religious sense for forgiveness, and put up with more than anyone should if they had any self esteem at all.

Dang, I'm crying now...thanks MEDC, lol

Its funny, through the years, I've daydreamed, I've wished, and I've hoped for.....quite a few things. Mostly material things to make me and my family's life easier. Now, I only hope for one thing. To be forgiven. For EVERYTHING I've done. Even for the things I didn't even REALIZE I was doing. I never wanted ANYTHING more than this. I now know that forgiveness is the GREATEST gift you can give another person.

Well, I am a Christian and yet I find it hard to completely forgive my ex of his multiple transgressions. For some reason, I can forgive a lot of things, but betraying me with another woman, I am having a very hard time with that one. Betraying me with SEVERAL other women, and I know I am not there yet! I don't care how bad our marriage was, I don't care that I made him leave twice because our marriage sucked (we separated twice before finally ending it the third time) that doesn't mean he could go out and have affair after affair. He was angry with me and knew what would cut me deeper than a knife. And he did it over and over and over again.

I wish I never had to deal with the man, but we have kids, so I do have to on a certain level. And, a relationship I was having that ended this past year, that man betrayed me as well. And I will tell you what, I am having a hard time forgiving him too! I am very angry about it. I have been to counseling too and as I said, I am a very practicing Christian. I think what makes it harder is that my exes ow about every 6 months or so tries to sabotage my life in some way. So, it is not just his crap I deal with, it is hers as well. SHE HAS A LOT OF NERVE NO DOUBT! She even sent me a very pathetic apology the Christmas of 2006. I posted on here I remember. You all thought it was pretty pathetic too. Not 6 months after that she is trying to get me to lose my job by spreading lies about me.

SO, yes, I am angry and I am having a hard time forgiving.
If anyone has any answers please feel free to share.

mlhb

I think my wife hasn't strayed...yet. But, I TOTALLY understand how you feel. There IS no excuse. And I know I WOULD HAVE A CRAZY TIME trying to forgive. But, as a fellow Christian, I know in my heart it is a must. And I believe it is a must because I believe once you forgive, YOUR life is better because of it. I really beleive thats Gods reward for doing what is difficult. But, M, I really, really understand your difficulty.

What an excellent idea!

I agree that forgiveness is a gift, for yourself and (often) for the person you are forgiving.

I am a very emotional person and I'll give you my secret, though it is not for everyone, I am sure.

I think: What if this person were dying or taken out of my life forever? What if I had only two or three words to say to this person?

I can tell you the moment I truly (TRULY) forgave my ex-husband and (sad to say) it was months after the divorce. We sat in his truck and he looked at me... I mean, in the eyes, and I saw the man I married. I looked at him and thought, "I need to forgive this man before something happens and I can't"... and so I did... completely.

My mother is another example, and perhaps more tangible, because fifteen years ago she was diagnosed with cancer. We'd had a horrible time for my entire life up to that point, including family secrets and abuses. But I can pinpoint it to the second, actually. I was standing in the kitchen and I thought... my mother could die from this... what the he11 else matters, here? I need to forgive her, and so I did. PS: She lived, praise God, and to this day can drive me bats, but I truly did forgive her that day.

I don't claim to have this perfected. I get royally angry and hurt sometimes and have trouble forgiving some people. I won't lie. I had a vested interest in forgiving my ex and my mother (and myself, for that matter).

But if medc is right, and I think he is, then this gift will be something to cherish... for yourself... and possibly will heal the relationship with your spouse (or mother :)).

PS: Sorry to sound so sappy... as I say, I'm emotional and what I've told you is something I honestly feel in my heart.

I thought of something I want to add...

To forgive someone does NOT remove the consequences.

I think that sometimes people think that forgiveness = free ride. It isn't so...

That's how forgiveness is MOST like a gift for yourself... because it doesn't (necessarily) change the person you've forgiven, but it does change you.

Just wanted to add that...

I believe I will need a good deal of time away from my WS and the betrayal to truly forgive, if I ever forgive.

It may be a natural part of the process of letting go. I don't really know. I ponder if it's my place to forgive someone who doesn't seek it.

There is a very good book on 'Forgiveness' by Lewis Smedes. It is relatively short with excellent information and will be a quick read for most of you. It tells what forgiveness is and is not and inspired me to learn how to forgive FWW after A with one of my best friends, and subsequent D.

new beginning,
i do agree with you. i just wish i could get there.

i am fine as long as i don't have to see him or deal with him or her. but just when all is calm and nice they have to go and throw some garbage at me. you'd think for two people who are so blissfully happy (choke gag) they would have better things to do than sit around and think of ways to p*ss me off.

mlhb

I went through so much with my XWH, I thought I would never be able to forgive him. It wasn't until 2 years later that I was able to forgive him. Now my XWH doesn't know I've forgiven him, but it's between me and God.

When I forgave my XWH, by no means did I approve of the A....it was the wrong for him to commit adultery and tried to cover it up with lies after lies. I did however notice a huge burden that was lifted from my shoulders and I believe it helped me emotionally. I no longer carry the anger, I'm cordial when dealing with my X; I find that my X reciprocates in the same manner. He has never apologized to me but has admitted he made a huge mistake.

I was told in order to forgive others, we have to ask for forgiveness too and that is where I had to start.

I think that there are some people who just don't know how to forgive. They'd rather hold onto things and be angry to let the other person, I guess, get the better of them.

My H is a huge example of this. He has never been able to forgive my parents for confronting him about what happened at the beginning of our separation. They freaked out and got inhis face when they found out I ended up in a mental hospital. They blamed him as soon as they found out he had been running around with his 'ski buddy'. They were not totally right with how theyconfronted him, but his reaction wasn't so grown up either.

He has not spoken to them since and it's been a year. He is the one who stopped ansering the phone to them and stopped talking to them, yet he says that they don't make the effort to contact him.

They were both wrong, but my parents would never have stopped talking to him if he hadn't done it himself. It seems that this man has not even begun to forgive them and has no plans for it.

This isn't the first time in our lives he's reacted this way. If he doesn't like something that a person does, he just cuts that person out of his life forever.

There are certainly people that will hold a grudge because they would rather live with the 'knowledge' that they were right... Somehow. But then they end up all alone with no one to be angry at but themselves.

Z
Your S screwed around on you and your parents got in his face because it caused you harm? THere is NOTHING, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING for your rents to apolagize for. They CANT BE TOUGH ENOUGH. Youre their little girl, youre in the hospital and HE was AT LEAST the MAIN cause of it. Good for them. ANd if they were tough, they were under the shock of seeing their offspring in the midst of a great deal of suffering. If they hurt his feelings, TOUGH.

Perhaps the real question is, what exactly IS forgiveness? Because I was always taught that it is when you essentially "erase" the wrongdoing - as in forgive and forget. Once you have forgiven someone, you will never hold that particular thing against them again. You will treat them and feel about them as if it never happened.

So what good would it do me to forgive my WSTBXH? He's still in the midst of the A. He's still trying to steal from me. He's still showing up (with OW) to my events and he's still threatening DS in attempt to make him see OW as a better mom than me. To forgive this man would be the same as asking for more and more pain, over and over again. He doesn't even want forgiveness. He wants to torture me to death. Perhaps I can't forgive because the wrongdoing(s) are still occuring.

What I can do is do the best I can to move forward with my life. Avoid WSTBXH and OW as much as possible. Try to make my own way and deal with what life has to throw at me on my own. Basically, I can make peace with myself. Part of this does involve forgiveness in the sense of forgiving myself, not him. Forgiving myself for whatever shortcomings I had that gave him an excuse to cheat. Forgive myself for having poor skills at selecting men as husbands. And forgive myself for not being able to save the situation.

All of those may be gifts to myself. But I have nothing to gain from forgiving him, or OW for that matter. In fact, since I have never known OW in any capacity other than a lying, cheating, homewrecking wh**e, I can pretty much blame her for anything and everything under the sun and I don't owe her a thing. Satan has a face in my world.

from aurorahealthcare(dot)org


Forgiveness is a concept universally valued (if imperfectly practiced) by nearly every religious tradition and advanced civilization. Ninety-four percent of Americans surveyed recently said it was important to forgive, but only 48% said they usually tried to forgive others. It may be that readiness to forgive is mistaken for weakness, or its benefits not truly understood. In recent years, for the first time, forgiveness has become the subject of extensive scientific research. While many studies are still underway, early results indicate that forgiveness is not just an abstract ideal, but has real and powerful benefits on both physical and emotional health. For example:

Letting go of anger leads to reduced depression, anxiety and stress (Stanford University).

Cultivating forgiveness can reduce the severity of heart disease and, in some cases, even prolong the lives of cancer patients. Heart attack victims who practice forgiveness have been shown to improve their odds of survival.

People who find it hard to forgive report more medical symptoms and illnesses than the general population (University of Wisconsin).

Forgiveness has been used successfully by many family therapists to reconcile couples when other techniques prove ineffective (University of Maryland).

The power to heal
One of the pioneers in forgiveness research is Robert D. Enright, a professor of educational psychology at the University of Wisconsin - Madison who has been studying forgiveness since the mid-80s. "Anger manifests itself in so many ways in our society – anxiety, addiction, depression, domestic abuse, broken marriages and estrangement of parents or siblings. Forgiveness offers a way for people to heal from hurt and defuse the resentment that can be so damaging, both to the individual and to those whom they pass their pain along to – spouses, children, and future generations."

While it may appear that forgiveness is a gift you give to the person who hurt or offended you, it is the person who forgives who truly benefits. Research is showing that being a forgiving person is essential to emotional, and even physical well-being. "Finding compassion and empathy for the person who wronged you will contribute to your own healing," says Enright.

Forgiveness works not only on an individual, interpersonal level, but has been used to bridge divisions among communities and ethnic groups. Forgiveness education has been successfully used with groups as diverse as adolescents at-risk for gang involvement, public school students in the former Yugoslavia as a means of healing centuries-old ethnic conflicts, Vietnam veterans coping with post-traumatic stress and people living with HIV/AIDS.

Forgiving the unforgivable
Another leading researcher on forgiveness is Everett Worthington, a clinical psychologist, author and professor at Virginia Commonwealth University, who has done extensive study on the role of forgiveness in healing marriages and families. In an article published last December, Worthington contemplated how forgiveness might impact healing from damage on a far greater scale — the September 11 terrorist attacks. He acknowledged that in the face of such horrific destruction, the concept of forgiving seems almost incomprehensible. "When we are in the midst of a fight, it might even be counter-productive to forgive. When we gain some temporal distance, though, our thoughts and feelings might change." Anger, while often a part of the grief process, over time can cause us to "get stuck" in our need for revenge and retaliation.

While seeing that justice is served may help the healing process, even perfect justice will fail to balance the emotional books for most Americans. Worthington noted that the negative impact of unrelenting anger, hostility and fear could be reduced to some extent through "collective telling of stories of courageous firefighters, altruistic office workers, or heroic passengers" who responded to hatred and violence with selflessness and love. But only with the passage of time, when anger and grief give way to greater clarity, will we be able to put this catastrophic event in its proper historical (and emotional) context.

It’s important to note that forgiveness is not forgetting, nor is it reconciliation. Forgiveness is one person’s response to another’s injustice. Reconciliation requires both parties coming together in mutual respect. Forgiveness is also not a pardon, or letting the other "off the hook." Forgiveness is an inner personal release, which is why it is so liberating and beneficial to the person who forgives.

Steps to forgiveness
Enright describes forgiveness in four phases. As in the stages associated with grief, all are necessary to reach full resolution and free ourselves from the tyranny of the past.

Uncovering Phase: The individual becomes aware and acknowledges the emotional pain and anger resulting from a deep, unjust injury.

Decision Phase: Recognizing that continued anger will bring continued pain and other negative consequences – addictions, depression, low energy and self-esteem, the individual chooses to take the path of forgiving in order to begin healing.

Work Phase: The forgiving person seeks to think of the injurer in new ways, as a vulnerable human being, and bring empathy and compassion toward the offender. The goal is to understand – not to excuse – the other person.

Outcome/Deepening Phase: The forgiving individual realizes the emotional relief that results from forgiving, and often experiences a deeper awareness of self and others. This is the paradox of forgiveness: As we give to others the gifts of mercy, generosity and love, we ourselves are healed.

I think, like Tabby said, if there are continued offenses by the party to forgive, it will be close to impossible to let go of the anger UNTIL, you have detached enough that their continued onslaught holds little significance to you, OR the offender has ceased fire.

I have forgiven alot of the offenses against me by my WH. I have also been working on forgiving myself for what I've done against him, to him. I'm working on forgiveness in all areas of my life. This whole mess has helped me to realize how much anger and sadness I've brushed aside, not dealt with. I do feel as if the world has been lifted. Now if I could get the UNIVERSE off my shoulders, that would be real progress.

For me, I am working on acceptance of who my WH is right now, not who I knew him to be or who I'd hoped he would be. That is helping a great deal in moving toward forgiveness. I also employ empathy; trying to see it from his perspective. WH's done a lot of damage, and has created even more by not being O&H, not to mention the damage done to familial relationships and friendships. It must feel like a mountain to him; an insurmountable one to him, I suppose.

That doesn't for one scintilla of a second EXCUSE, ERASE, or lessen the pain associated with the lies and misdeeds. This, for me, has been the real task.

I think it will take a great deal of time to forgive without any amends being made, but I'm sure I will let go. I don't want to carry this with me forever.