it has been 6 months and the more i have thought about it and searched inside myself. . . the more hesitant I am to end it. I wonder if there is light at the end of the tunnel. Can trust be rebuilt once a spouse has cheated? Still so lost. . .

With the information given thus far, I can't tell you whether you should or should not remain married, and it's not my place anyway but I have some comments and questions.

Marriages can recover after an affair, but I would also be worried about his stealing. He could get YOU in serious legal trouble if he continues on that path.

If you decide to work things out, you need to insist he break it off with her and have no contact whatsoever with her.

And he needs to understand that from what you've already said you have three emotional needs he's not meeting at all - honesty, financial support and conversation.

The usual advice here is for the betrayed spouse to set boundaries (insisting on no contact) while trying to meet the other spouse's emotional needs (Plan A).

I have to wonder whether your husband is capable of ever meeting yours, though. It would be a shame to go through all the trouble to meet his just to find out later he's just not capable of meeting yours. Usually a couple meets each others needs at first and then stops after the honeymoon phase is over - but it sounds like he's never really met yours at all? Is that accurate?

Does he have any redeeming qualities? What is it that makes you want to stay with him?

i think it is done with the ow. I haven't seen anything on the phone log and I don't think it was so much an affair as a sexual indiscretion. He does have some redeeming qualities but so far he doesn't tell me: I love you, I want us to work it out at all costs. He just thinks that by not talking about it and because he goes to work and signs his check over that I should infer these things. I think he just felt pushed against the corner re: money and I can be very, very mean with my words. I admit I really stripped him of his sense of manhood and probably self esteem. I can accept accountability for all of my actions IF i know he wants this.

For christmas, my birthday and valentines day which have all come since his fling with OW he has not give me a card, a gift, etc. He just tells me that I know what he wants and that he messed up. But then two weeks ago he lied again about something silly like whether he had changed the bank account for the automatic billing on the cable. He told me yes like 4 times even though he knew I would verify it with the phone call log and by contacting the bank. He eventually admitted he forgot and just lied to avoid a confrontation. There would be no confrontations if he was responsible with money. I tell him his irresponsibility with money is just a sign of his lack of respect for himself. What person works 60 hours a weekk and because he is irresponsible pays the bank $700 in overdraft fees in one month?

He breached and yet it feels like it is my responsibility to lay out a plan for recovery for BOTH of us. He asks me what I want him to tell me. I DON'T WANT HIM TO TELL ME ANYTHING! He should tell me what HE THINKS, what HE FEELS. I am not concerned about him getting me into legal trouble because he will have to face consequences for his own actions. What I am scared of is to trust him . . . and 5, 10 years down the line when I am 35, 40 he will get up and say well I stayed because it is what I thought you wanted.

Is it silly to expect a card with an appology? Dinner reservation to make a mence? a birthday gift or a christmas gift??

If you are mean with your words, then yes it is silly to expect tokens of affection. He obviously doesn't feel very affectionate. And it's hard to be honest with someone when you know you'll be punished for it.

I know you really should get an apology for the affair but from what I've read here in most cases it takes quite a while to get it. In your case, you were at each other's throats for some time before it happened so it might be more difficult for him to feel sorry just yet. Most likely in his mind he was using the verbal abuse as an excuse for his affair or one-nighter or whatever it was. Not that it is an excuse, of course it's not, but that's the line of thinking you're dealing with right now.

As for the lying - You need to eliminate love busters and create an environment in which it is safe for him to be honest, and which makes it possible for feelings of affection and love to return.

Him wanting you to lay out a plan for recovery might not be such a bad thing. Men are not as good at relationship talk, they tend not to read books about relationships and marriage as much, and there is a plan for recovery on this website. The good news is that you don't have to talk him into anything - he's willing to go along with any plan you suggest. GOOD! Take full advantage of that.

In the meantime, about finances, you do want to protect as much of the family finances as you can without upsetting him until such a time that you are ready to negotiate a solution. (See articles on this site about Love Busters and about Negotiations). Put as much of the money from your job as you can into a separate bank account. Tell him it's just a temporary emergency fund until you guys come to an understanding about finances.

When you're ready to negotiate, remember the Policy of Joint Agreement (which you can also read about in the articles on this site), which says you shouldn't do anything without enthusiastic agreement from both of you. You should explain the concept to him, that might help. Then just brainstorm possible solutions.

One thing you might want to know is - does he know and agree that he is not good with money? If so, he might be okay with you taking most of the responsibility for getting bills paid and with the suggestion that he get cash out for his needs, instead of using debit cards or checks, to avoid overdraft fees. This is more work for you, but some people just aren't good with money and know it.

Another thing you can suggest to avoid overdraft fees is that he have an emergency fund in his account at all times. For example, instead of trying to keep his balance above 0, he should aim to keep it above $200 at all times. (With the understanding that he should never spend that $200 except in cases of dire emergency.) That way when he messed up, as people often do, it won't result in an overdraft. AND any emergency money that is used needs to be replaced every payday. Make sure he has online access to the bank accounts. It's easier to keep track if you get the information in real time rather than waiting for a monthly paper statement to arrive.

One thing that really helped my husband and I sort out financial disagreements was to do a budget on a spreadsheet. You can use Microsoft Excel if you have Windows, or OpenOffice.org Spreadsheet if you have Linux. You need to remember to include all your regular expenses, including rent/mortgage, utilities, food, car payment, etc. and you might need a section for occasional expenses like birthday gifts. Don't forget about healthcare, prescriptions, entertainment and miscellaneous expenses. The budget needs to be looked at and updated the day before every payday, but of course it helps to do several weeks or months into the future when possible. But it might help him to know how much is going in, and what absolutely needs to go out.

thanks for all of your advice. Excel, spreadsheets . . . too ambitious for him. However, he has stopped using a debit card and just asks me for small amounts of money since he nows if he has the weeks worth it is gone in 2 days. I pay all of the bills and he pretty much hands his check over--his own doing, I haven't had to coax him or convince him.

I guess even though I know my actions don't justify his affair, it does make sense that he doesn't quite feel sorry or sorry for what I am feeling. After all, even in the aftermath I have now turned his affair into one more point of attack for him.

I have been trying to put myself in his shoes to make sense of things. He is not perfect--nor am I, but I wonder what i would say to a friend who told me her spouse emotionally abused him/her the way i seem to have been doing to my h for the past 4.5 years. I came to the conclusion that I would say SCREW THE B____!

I would love to look back and see we overcame this. I think as two people who have a child it would be wonderful for us and for our daughter to overcome this mess.

I feel schizofrenic these days! One day I'm certain I want out then the next day I'm not so sure and the day after that I want us to work through it and so the merry go round goes . . .

I am so thankful I found this website. Just reading some other people's post has allowed me to identify some things in myself and in our marriage that I was not looking at.

I would always tell him when I made a bad buy or spent too much at the store--but I always felt I could because I made more. So help me god if he had ever said anything. Maybe because of mya ctions he knew I would have said as much. So no wonder I never feared telling him what I spent! On the same note, if he would only ASK how much he was going to be paid BEFORE quiting one job and accepting another . . .

SIGH!

Well, you could just do the spreadsheet all by yourself and then explain to him what it all means. It sounds like he's bad with money But KNOWS he's bad with money and is okay with you setting some limits to protect your family's financial security. That's good news. There might be something in his upbringing that gives him an emotional relationship with money that is a bit out of whack. It's not that unusual, though.

At some point, you might want to explain to him that quitting a job and taking a job are things that need to be joint decisions (no matter which one of you is taking or quitting a job). That's a great time to discuss POJA (Policy of Joint Agreement.)

But keep working on eliminating the yelling and putdowns, etc. and let him know that you are trying to break those bad habits. And in the meantime, tell him what he's doing right - increase the number of positive interactions you have with him.