Hi everyone. I was a regular on the general questions board for a year back in 06-07 when my now XH was a WS. Almost 3 years down the line, I am still dealing with a XH who is unreliable, irresponsible, etc.

Child support is random. He is now a car salesman, so I never know if the money is coming in. I have two jobs now, so I am able to make ends meet, but UGH! I hate that responsibility is a choice for him.

Being a carsalesman, he doesn't get the boys regularly--like as in the divorce agreement. he comes every saturday night at 7ish (I say ish because if he is doing a deal, he can't make it on time) I get them back for church and he gets them again at 1pm till the necx morning around 7am. He also sees them on thursdays.
He's always late.

My oldest son is in boyscouts and my XH is supposed to be doing this with him. They keep missing meetings, etc and now he decided last minute he couldnt get the derby car done, so he missed that as well.

My son acted in front of his dad like it was okay, but today, after a discussion about his horrendous behavior since friday (the night of the derby), I asked him if anything was bothering him--and he started bawling about how he wanted to race and wanted to build a car and everyone got to but him. He was basically heartbroken--so was I.

I guess my question is what can I do? I can't make him be a better parent, but I have three boys who I am committed to loving and rearing into strong men of God. But they have this dad who is just a mess. He is constantly asking my six year old about who I am seeing, etc (and the funny thing is I have not dated yet--when would I have time?) I just want what is best for the boys....

any suggestions, courses of action I can take, etc? I'm hoping someone will remember my story here (so they can get a better pic of my XH and his lovely actions through all of this)

Thanks everyone!

The safest thing I can suggest, for your kids' sakes, is to create a life that does not require him. If he happens to show up for some of their events, an added bonus. But just allow things into your life that you can handle on your own, or with the help of other kids' parents, as in sharing rides, sharing supervision at events, etc.

That way, they will get their grieving out of the way, for the dad they wanted but will never have, and they will still have a healthy, productive life designed by you. And if he sees what he's missing, and grows up and starts acting more responsibly, you'll all benefit.

I imagine he's getting a bit of an ego stroke by you continuing to depend on him, even though he falls short a lot; you're still 'needing' him, you know? So cut that part out. Your kids shouldn't have to deal with the yoyo effect, and they'll be happier once they're past that.

IT,

Is there anyone else like your brother, father who can fill-in when your XH is not able to? If not, perhaps maybe a gentleman from church would be willing to help out. Just some ideas that come to mind for now.

Best of luck to you and your boys!

I wish my family was nearby. I'm in Texas (hence my username :)and my brother lives in Illinois and my parents in Ohio. I moved here for college and now am restricted to live here till my youngest is 18.

I actually had a boy babysitter from church last week as a sub for my regular one (he's a 24 year old man from church--great guy with kids) and my XH was coming to get my oldest to build the derby car that night (the one that never got built). SO, to his surprise a "man" answered the door. I get a ton of phone calls and texts--all angry..who is this man with my kids, etc....it was ridiculous. Then, at 10 pm he shows up at my work (I work at home--so my kids and I live on premises for my full-time job) and he is crying, etc. saying he couldn't handle another man with his kids, who is this guy--is he my boyfriend, etc. It sounds so dysfunctional just writing it! I was very stoic, really, and just listened. He's a mess!

I write all that to say I am fearful of having a man fill-in because of how he responds...he apparently drilled my oldest son about the men in my life--even telling him "Mommy might get married again but you'll a;ways be my best friens, son!!!"

I am not dating. I haven't even had a prospect. I am a working two-jobs mother of three small boys. When would I have time? But goodness--if I ever did get pursued by a real catch--what a mess of an ex I'll be dealing with!

You are giving him WAY too much control over your lives. He owns his own actions. If he wants to be insecure, that's his problem. All you can do is explain to your boys, without criticizing their dad, that he sees things differently and he may, from time to time, act in an inappropriate way. They will just have to understand that that is Daddy's choice, but to remember you both still love them, but have different ways of expressing it.

After that, get on with giving them a stable, safe environment, in which his idiosyncracies are only temporary intrusions. ALL your decisions need to be about what is best for them - not at all about what he will do. You have to stop giving him any power over you.

Once he realizes that his childish acts aren't getting him the response he wants, it'll stop, or at least diminish. He's just trying to exert control over you the only way he knows how - manipulation. Be smarter and more adult than that, for your kids' sakes.

Wow...OK, you are divorced. Your EX is just that. He's a person who is NOT your husband.

His sense of responsibility doesn't seem to extend behond anyone except himself.

I recommend you establish some boundaries w/ him, such as an expectation of punctuality with visits w/ kids.

The soap box derby thing tugs at my heart. I've built many w/ my son. I just CAN'T imagine a more selfish thing than to fail to help him get it done.

NO excuse...period.

Is there another event like that coming up? Find someone, ANYONE else, to make sure your son participates. If he feels left out he'll likely want to quit scouts...and do so on a bad note and for the wrong reasons.

OBTW, scouts does NOT have to be w/ the father or a man...I've been a scoutmaster and there have been plenty of moms who participated. Just a thought, if you could swing it.

Rather than letting EX be a loser, you would be the hero...and THAT's what your DS will remember.

Your EX only as as much control over the situation as you give him...

L2F

You become disappointed when you have expectations. Expect nothing from the X and you will lessen the probability that you or your boys will be disappointed.

If the boys have activities, either be prepared to take them yourself or cancel that activity altogether if it does not fit into your schedule.

Never get them into activities that will cause you to rely on the other parent to get them there.

Boundaries are nice but they are useless without consequences. You can't withold his children from him every time he disappoints them. You can only lessen the chances that they become disappointed in the first place.

Check into organizations like Big Brothers Big Sisters in your area.

You can't make him a better dad. He is what he is. You can distance yourself from his hurtful actions.

Edit: Can't get the link to work. The site is www.bbbs.org

IT

Don't let your XH's very childish behavior control your choices. He was throwing a tantrum, complete with tears, because HE FELT GUILTY. First of all, your XH has not demonstrated that you can't count on him to be there for HIS KIDS when HIS KIDS need him, so your XH doesn't have a say in the male influences that you choose to bring into your sons' lives UNTIL he makes being a FATHER TO THEM a priority.

Your boys need male influences and mentors, so they can learn to be Godly young men-in spite of the example their dad has given them.

My XH left right before my youngest son started high school and my older son started college. To add to the stress, 5 weeks later I was diagnosed with cancer. So, I went to their ROTC instructors (OS has an Army ROTC scholarship-YS is in the Junior Naval ROTC high school program) and told them about what was going on, so my boys would have some older men watching out for them. Both boys have flourished under the watch of these good men.

Hang in there-

Document everything. Since he is not living up to the parenting plan as stated in your divorce, it's very simple..........File a contempt charge. 1st offense will only be a slap on the wrist, but that slap may worry him enough to start being a better parent.

I'm going through this with my ex. I'm slapping her with contempt charges soon and working my way up to going after custody of my DD.

Sometimes people only take you serious when the law is involved.

I know it is easy to say "stop having expectations of him" but the reality is that you want your children to have a father.
He's just not capable of being the father you wanted for your boys (I repeat this to myself frequently).

So do what you can with them. You can build a derby car with son, and you can be involved in scouts.
And your children will continue to take their frustrations out on you because you are the parent on whom they depend. They know that their father's not capable (children know this better than we do), so they don't expect as much of them as we do.
Keep being their for the kids, and remember, you'll be the one to weather the emotional outbursts due to all the things they missed.

My DD's counselor said children need their parents in their lives, either to learn how they want to be treated, or how they don't want to be treated. Children learn from every interaction.

Good luck with this. My X finally took his girls to the father daughter dance this year - and didn't bother to dance with the oldest. So I got the emotional meltdown while he walks away thinking he's father of the year. I think she enjoyed it better going with her friend's dad - she had fewer expectations.

Do the best you can.