Thanks.

Yes, LSA & support. For DS & myself if I can get it.

I'm starting to see cross-eyed! Getting all these papers & details & such organized.

Soon enough, we shall find out...

Hi Julie,

How did everything go yesterday? You were on my mind a lot during the day....let us know how you are doing, ok?

sot

Hey guys, sorry I didn't update. I was in a pretty weird place last night, as I'm sure you can imagine. I got home, snatched up the kids, and off to the bowling alley we went. So, my composure/game face prevailed till late last night. I'll re-cap:


This lady, the court commissioner, was a Julie's-H-cheerleader! She scolded me for selling stuff & wasn't interested in WHY I sold it, wasn't pleased I got all the tax refunds w/o H seeing/signing it, she told me I MUST talk to him - I continued to disagree w/her & so she told my H that if I won't talk to him, he should file contempt of court. We split our holidays up to July 4th & that was that. 50% of my total mortgage expenses will now be covered by H. He was NOT happy AT ALL. Never once attempted to look my way or gesture or talk to me.

By last night I was reeling - it was so hard seeing him, I really did want to just reach over. He said, "I have no stake in that" when asked about the house which really hurt, and dividing the holidays made it seem all too real. It feels like divorce. She actually asked if there was any drug/alcohol abuse so I told her that's the reason for this separation & she said, "Mrs. W, are you alleging your husband is a 24-hr soak?" She pressed for details so I gave them, though I didn't want to put H's business out there like that or humiliate him. She said, "Mr. W, do you enjoy an occasional drink? Most people do..." So he went on to tell her "I've been known to binge drink, I never drink when I have my son, and I don't drive drunk anymore. And in the 9 years we've been married, I've only blacked out 3 times" I simply said, "sorry, it's been more than 3 times" and then the issue was dead. "Well, I see no reason to NOT offer joint custody." That's fine. Joint custody is OK w/me, but having a COURT COMMISSIONER pat H on the back for being a NON-social drinker was a little unexpected!

So, I need this behind me. A friend says I should call the commissioner's supervisor & complain. I could, but I want this in the past where it belongs. Gotta keep marching you know...

Thank you SO MUCH to all of you who have supported me. My goal in life since I filed those papers was to be strong enough to sit in that room w/H. I did it - I did GREAT, and I was looking D*MN good. So, I felt good. I am blessed beyond my fondest dreams, much thanks to you all.

Forgot to add: I've been ordered by the court to let him in the house within 10 days to remove tools needed for work. That'll be done tonight via IM watching over him so he doesn't take any "extras".

sounds like you made out according to the law.
i wish my h had had to pay 50% of the mortgage expenses!

we are actually trying to finalize things with the house right now.
i have been paying everything on it for 3 years now and he has not contributed at all. i am hoping to get some sort of relief from a judge on that.

what did you get for child support julie? and did you get alimony?

i am a little miffed by that court person.

what the heck was that all about? wow.

you did it though julie and for that you can be proud. good job!

mlhb

What a whack job. Where did this person get their law degree? Or do they let non-lawyers in that position? How the heck can you be in "contempt of court" for not talking to your husband when there are no orders in place that ORDER you to communicate with him?

I kinda understand about the drinking thing, from the Court's position it was more of a he-says-she-says argument. Without concrete proof (i.e., drunk driving records, rehab stints, etc) it IS your word against his.

I'm curious too, did you get any child support? Even if you split custody 50/50, someone is the custodial parent footing all the bills. That's great on the house payment... something you can file contempt AGAINST him if he doesn't honor the court's ruling.

You did a great job of speaking up for yourself. Don't let that commissioner intimidate you. If you had done anything wrong (i.e., the tax refund, etc) they would have ordered you to reimburse your husband.

Thanks guys, I feel good about it too...now.

There was talk of me probably having to reimburse him for the things I sold...but no real details or specifics, so the way I look at it, that too was a he-said/she-said. We shall see.

And you know what, I was miffed by her too & will agree she's a whack job! And then, I am grateful she was on "his side". I suppose that's just enough reinforcement for him to try and break my Plan B & get to me "cuz she said you HAVE to". And, when I don't budge, just like I'm not now, he will have to DO something. He'll have to get off his [censored] & file contempt on me. And maybe then he'll meet someone w/more of a brain who will say that's not contempt! Either way, I'm not sure he's got it in him to do it.

We both had opportunities to throw each other under the bus yesterday & we both refrained.

Custody is joint, primary placement with me. I did get CS, and that amount happens to be the same as my 2nd mortgage payment. She also ordered he pay 50% of the 1st mortgage, so when I add the CS & the add'l payment together, I have 50% of my TOTAL (1st & 2nd) mortgages covered. Hope that makes sense.

Goodness. I don't get it. You have a spouse that has a drinking problem and they give him joint.

I really hope your son isn't put in danger by his drinking.

pom,

my husband at the time, attacked me in front of our kids by kicking the door in and shoving me against the wall using every profanity.
he was arrested and there was a restraining order.he plead guilty to harrassment and endangering the welfare of our children.

he got joint custody.

go figure.

mlhb

Well, so H came in & removed stuff under the watchful eye of IM. I guess he got angry/loud w/her & needs to come back again (sigh) to get more cuz he didn't have proper notice this time.

DD is once again upset. I guess H told the kids he's going to go to AA next week & they were both happy, DD said, "that's great, now you can come home in 3 mos" (90 in 90) and he said "No, I don't want to do that" So she's all upset. They both said he's angry & I told them to keep that in mind - that we all say things we don't mean when we're angry - but that it could be true he won't ever come home; we can't control that & either way we will be OK.

DD says I have to talk to him. H took them over to his sister's house tonight & they were talking openly & loudly near DD about the fact that the court has ordered me to talk to him & I'm going to end up in jail if I don't. I don't think the idea of jail "or a really big ticket" scares her, she seems genuinely mad tonight that I won't talk to him. That I'm trying to hurt him by not telling him about conferences, etc.

So, I said to DD, "if you want to call Dad now, and ask him to come over, I will talk to him. We can sit up all night & talk if you want" I was willing to break my own Plan B tonight but even my 11y/o DD knows that isn't going to accomplish anything.

Anyway, I thought I'd let y'all know. She's really starting to resent being stuck in the middle, having H & I stating our case, etc.

I think he's scared/still angry from yesterday. Maybe he'll go to AA, maybe he won't. Maybe he won't come home - maybe he will. By the weekend, this probably will have blown over. We're focusing too much on H again! Lately, it seems each time he's got the kids (usually only when DD is there) THEY are taken back to Square One!

Hang in there and be strong. Court makes it all seem more real, but lots can still happen.

Sorry you are having to go through this with your kids, but stick to your guns. You are the only one standing up for your family right now.

Thanks, believer. I appreciate the reassurance. Right now, I'm a huge Plan-B-flight-risk. I think I'll make it out though. After all, it's almost tomorrow.

I do understand how from outside of MB, plan B looks. It could be viewed as strange, manipulative, uncooperative, etc. It seems that the court looked at it that way and your DD may be seeing that way too. I am really sorry that you are all dealing with that.

Remember from alanon, to DETACH. This was so hard for me, but once I mastered it, it was incredibly powerful.

If you take this down to simple things, he drinks, upsets the family, destroys the house, causes much pain. You want yourself and your children to be removed from this pain.

It sounds like you are saying all the right things to your kids, and I am very proud of you. Of course he is angry about the money. That is too bad for him but his reality is that he has obilgations. Now they are not just words to you, but a court ordered amount that he has to pay. I think reality just hit him. He knows what will happen if he does't comply.

Try to let the emotions of this change in his situation simmer down a bit. Try to let things cool off before a next step.

How are YOU feeling....

Hey SOT, I was just thinking about you & turned the box back on...and there you are!

You're right, keep it simple, our life wasn't working - even H said that! I really do wish he didn't drag the kids down...but I'm guilty of it too. He spews stupid-babble, then DD is upset which is upsetting to me so I tell her she can talk to me if she wants (although she spent some time talking w/IM tonight, which is great, IM got H to call DD, but she was HORRIBLY upset after that call so I stepped in, UGH) and I'm ready to call him just to help her sleep better, prove to her I'll do whatever it takes.

How do I feel? Well, that's an interesting question! I feel like calling SIL (who, by the way, has asked me to watch her son/H's nephew this weekend - I don't want to, but read on & you'll see I just might) to let her know she had NO RIGHT to bad-mouth my kids' mother IN MY KIDS' PRESENCE! Just so that "cool big bro" isn't mad at her! I feel extremely confident - like if I was impressed by his squirming last week, I've REALLY got him now! I feel desperate, like maybe I should just let him home & see how it goes...after all, he said he's going to AA next week (pfft!). I feel hopeful, like it's only been 3 mos since he left/24 hrs since he got "slapped" with CS, there's plenty of time to reconcile. I feel scared, like he's going to get more volatile w/IM & more manipulative w/the kids & more affectionate w/bar hags. I feel like negotiating a phone call to him w/you all...yet I feel stupid for even having such a thought!

You know what? I WAS detached - very much so, I believe. Seeing him & some of the things he said in my presence along with not even trying to look my way really set me back. My recovery time is getting quicker though!