Just something that has bothered me for our entire marriage.<P>My W treats me like I am the most important person in the room, only when I am the only person in the room. This has happened before her affair and now after, even though we are almost one year into recovery. As soon as a third party becomes available (friend, family, stranger) I cease to exist. Now it didn't used to bother me too much because I realized what a people person she is, however since the affair it just tears me up. We have discussed this on many occasions (before and after) and she acknowledges that it happens and apoligizes. The next time the situation arises she does it again. She is trying to figure it out and has made an appointment for individual counseling. I was just curious if this is a common trait or if it is an isolated case? Any constructive input would be appreciated.<p>[This message has been edited by dj (edited October 13, 1999).]

<BR>I have had this experience.<P>I notice this particularly when my wife and I are visiting her family. It's like I suddenly become invisible unless I'm within earshot, and then she'll lower her voice and turn away so I can't hear her. Once I was sitting next to her at one of the kids' track meets. Her sister came and sat beside her and they talked happily between themselves, making sure that they were quiet enough that I couldn't participate. Made me feel uncomfortable but until you brought this up I thought it was my own fault... it had never occurred to me that maybe she was doing it on purpose.<P>Slightly Sane<BR>

I continually need to remind H to be nice to me in public, especially around his family. Not that he's rude, he just does his own thing which makes me feel unimportant.<P>His family is the worst...he regresses to a 13 year old with bro. <P>I want to think he's proud of me in public, but instead I get no special treatment. In his defense, I don't think he gets it.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

To the top .<BR>I can't believe no one else has had this problem.

Dear DJ;<BR>I remember doing this sort of thing to an ex-boyfriend, who was a boyfriend at the time. I did not have an affair on him, but, he did on me. I said I would try to work on the relationship with him, and did when i was around him. When I was around other people, my true colors about the way I felt about him showed and I didn't care if I was really ignoring him or whatever. Somehow, when I was with him, I concentrated more on the relationship, but, being with him in a group, I didn't bother and plus, some people knew that he cheated on me, so I was kindof embarrassed about that also. I don't know if this helps any, but, this is from a different side of things.

This is fascinating... I get the exact <B>opposite</B>. When we are together I am ignored. When we are around family or friends she cozies up. It has been like this for years and has always bugged me.

2sad4words you hit the nail on the head. Same here. Together alone it was like "don't bother me" but in a group she would be much more attentive to me. This made me feel like the message was "he's mine" in a group but "I don't want you around when we're alone." <sigh>

I guess we both are guilty of doing it, somewhat. If we are at a wedding, etc. we never table hop, but, we usually end up speaking to everyone at our table, except each other. <P>When we are at a family B.B.Q. we usually go off in different directions, but always manage to meet up with each other several times, throughout the course of the day.<P>The one event that always has bothered me is our annual Christmas dinner, which my older sister hosts at her home. There are lots of family (90+) and nowhere to sit, so everyone kinds of mulls around her home. After the first hour, the men disappear into the garage, drinking beer and swapping stories. I am usually the one designated to "call the men for dinner" and last year, when I opened the garage door, I was told, jokingly of course, that I was not allowed to be there, as only men were allowed. <P>As I left, after telling them to shove the dinner up their a$$, I did notice 3 of my female relatives amongst the men, swigging back the beer from the bottles. You know the type? They leave their kids in the house alone, for everyone else to take care of.<P>About two weeks ago, I was discussing the impending Christmas dinner with my H, and questioned him, as to why the men always feel the need to leave their wives alone, especially when it is supposed to be a "family" get together. He basically told me that he follows the crowd, and would feel silly being the only man with all the women. That is not a true statement, as many of the more dedicated husbands never venture outside, and they have no problem dealing with the women.<P>I did tell him that maybe that is what used to happen, but, this year, he is going to be staying in the house with me, and if he didn't agree to it, then he would not be invited to attend. Lovebusting? Probably! Do I care? NO! If he is sincere in his promise to make our marriage a success, then I feel the one day of the year that he has an opportunity to spend time with his wife, his children, and his grandchildren (watching Santa arrive) should not be spent in a garage, drinking beer, but should be spent with those most dear to him. If he finds this concept boring, then I guess he will be sitting home alone that day!!<BR><P>------------------<BR><BR>SUCCESS STORY<P>