Jesus did say that you could divorce under cases of adultry, and, frankly, any deity that requires you to remain married to an abusive person has questionable ethics and morality.

The book "Dating for Dummies" says you need AT LEAST one full calendar year AFTER you are legally divorced...According to the book this is the only way to absolutely avoid having any "stuff" left over from your old relationship infecting your new one.

If I remember correctly, it has to do with entering a new relationship as a whole person, in a healthy state of mind.

The book is written by DR. Joy Browne. I used to listen to her radio show. She had the same rule for widows/widowers. Only once did I hear her exempt one of her radio callers from this rule of hers...they were a couple of recently widowed octogenarians.

I think her wait time is a minimum for almost everyone. Heavens, it took me a long time to be healthy.

And as for that one exception, I think that was warranted. It made me smile!

According to my clinical psychologist, the timeframe for being healthy and ready varies for everyone. It depends upon the situation in the marriage, how long the person has been emotionally divorced (if at all), what stage of the grieving process they are in, any trauma and baggage that the marriage has left, and how they address it (if they are even willing to). People do not heal at the same rate. It is a very individual thing.

Someone who has been in the divorce process for 2 years, but unwillingly, who still wants to save/works to save the marriage isn't going to be ready. They haven't even started into acceptance yet. Someone who is 6 weeks into the divorce process who has been living together but separated (separate lives, separate bedrooms) for years may be ready.

A year may not be enough for many people...and may be more than plenty for others.

I don't think a set time-frame is particularly useful to apply to all people, and I certainly advocate individual therapy to assist in this process. I know it greatly helped me.

"Someone who is 6 weeks into the divorce process who has been living together but separated (separate lives, separate bedrooms) for years may be ready.

A year may not be enough for many people...and may be more than plenty for others."

Amen to that. I do think that it's a good idea to at least wait until papers have been filed, but everyone heals at different rates. And the idea that waiting a year is magically going to make you forget about everything that happened in your marrriage and keep you from bringing it into your next relationship is kind of idealistic.
People hold on to things for years and years. I know a guy who has been divorced for twelve years and still harbors so much resentment over his ex that he can't get his life together and turns women off. He hasn't had a serious relationship since then. If you heard him talking about it, you would think that this all happened last year!

I guess one year would be good if the person is willing to really work on themselves, examine what they did wrong, go to IC, and work on healing. But still, I would think that you would still have fears and patterns that you might bring into the next relationship.

I know personally I wouldn't want to start anything that was going to turn into serious relationship until the divorce is final. I wouldn't want to look back and think that I was married to someone else when we got together. And I wouldn't want him to think of me as an adulterer either. Now if by some miracle the right guy just popped into my life, and it was a long drawn-out divorce process that was taking a year or more, maybe I would consider it, but we'd have a lot of talking about the issue to do first.

I definitely think if you have a newborn, you need to take time off to just concentrate on the baby and yourself!

Edit:I wonder though if someone does date during a separation, even if it's not illegal, it might give the other person reason to claim that the relationship started before divorce was filed.

Oh, it could, but in a court of law, they need proof and evidence to substantiate their claim.

I agree about some people holding on to bitterness for years and years. I know someone who held on for the rest of her life.

Personally, for me, if it hadn't been the one, special person that I am with now, I wouldn't have had a relationship when I did. Even so, we were on different continents for another year, and off and on until this past December, which forced the relationship to go slowly. That helped. We had also known each other since 2003, so I had a very good idea of the type of man he was. Even given all of that, it is something in which I actively involved and engaged with my therapist about. I suggest the same (active engagement with a therapist about the decision) to anyone considering dating within a year and a half of a divorce. This is for your own emotional safety.

I went on 3 short, meaningless (didn't talk to him again) dates in the time period of 2 months to 2 months and two weeks after separating from my ex. After that, I really didn't even look to date, and wasn't actively looking when I got together with my current partner. Those dates were mistakes. Oh, the first guy didn't hurt me, but I did get hurt in the second time. I was too vulnerable and not making good decisions. (At that point, I had been in therapy for over a month, too.) I ended up in his condo, and he performed sex acts on me to which I did not consent (actually specifically told him not to do). Looking back, the red flags in his behavior were all there, and I should not have gone. There were multiple red flags that should have caused me to walk out the door prior to getting hurt. I didn't. I wasn't in a heathy emotional state to protect myself. This is just one of many reasons why dating too soon is just not a good idea.

I really think you should wait until the divorce process has really, truly started no matter what level of healing you are on. One very good reason is that so many leave in a state of fog, and this isn't a time for dating at all. These people would swear on anything that they are ready, but they are not.