Ok, here's a brief synopsis of my sister's story...
She was married for 10 years and had three kids before her H annuonced one day he hated being married and stopped liking her many years ago. He left and moved in with her best friend. Flash forward 2 1/2 years and I am witnessing a total decline in morality. Now, I'm not judgemental at all, but I need help with how I'm supposed to deal with this. Since 5 months ago we're on the second 'serious' relationship. That's fine, except that these men are brought into the family fold and are exposed to her small children. Ages 8, 11 & 12. I'm watching her kids struggle to understand what is going on with their mom, my sister. Is it normal (whatever that is) to cling so quickly and ferociously to men/women once you've been rejected by your spouse? Is there anything I can say that will make any sense to her? She is an otherwise very intellegent girl who runs her own company and is very successful. But, her desire for companionship is scary. Really, the three people who lose here are the kids. Do I just keep my mouth shut and watch this unfold or do you step in and say something? I really want her to be happy, but isn't there a time when the kids HAVE to be #1?

Has your sister been to counselling at all? I can certainly say I feel where she is coming from as far as the desparate need for companionship goes. Without going through it, you can't possibly understand the pain and long term damage divorce does to a person. She is broken and probably will be for some time. If you are close to the kids, you can help them just by being there and answering their questions. And perhaps recommend IC for your sister, though don't expect her to be miraculously healed overnight.

I've made the same observation with people I know.

Yes, say something. It wouldn't hurt to express your concerns and it does confuse the kids.

She's not moving him in with her, is she? That's a big mistake and confuses kids as well.

It also exposes them to sexual predators who target women with children.

The worst mistake she can make is being with someone for the sake of being with someone.

Taking a break and taking a breath and figuring out what she did wrong in her marriage (or could have done differently) can teach very valuable lessons in getting into another relationship.

My therapist told me that needy people attract other needy people and it is best to stand on your own two feet first before seeking someone else.

It's "crazy time" after divorce and the need to overcome lonliness is a big one. Her desire to be with someone is understandable, but she should focus on her kids and their needs over her own needs.

They didn't ask for any of this and they need one parent to focus on them and not the latest relationship.

You're her sister. You are blood and have every right to express your concerns.

She did go to counseling in the beginning, but when things got around to what she contributed to the fall of her marriage, she bailed. Her 8yr. old goes now as she's really struggling, but the other two need it desperately but she just does not see it. How invested do we all get with the men she's bringing in? I feel as if I am sitting on the sidelines about to witness a train wreck.

It sounds like she is making poor choices, but unfortunately you can't make choices for her. Can you encourage her to get into IC and work through the issues that are driving her to make these destructive choices? It sounds like she is running from the pain of being alone, and avoiding it by filling her time seeking attention/companionship from men. Of course, that isn't healthy and her issues will not be resolved that way. More than likely she will keep repeating the same patterns over and over until she learns how to live with herself and work through the pain instead of running from it. I am sorry that her kids are being affected by this, they are the ones to suffer the most in these types of situations.

You can't control your sister, however, if it were me I would definitely step in and address this with her. She may need your support and love to get her the help she needs...I'd definitely suggest IC to her.

Listen, I don't know if there is a great cultural divide when it comes to stuff like this, but from my background (hispanic) family business is family business and you have a right to opine on something you see is hurting your own blood (your nieces and nephews).

Giving a family member a 2x4 when they have their head up their butt is very much in your right to do, especially when it is hurting other family members.

You're her sister. I listen to my own siblings and much if not more so than my own parents. Their advice has been dead on on a lot of issues.

They could have saved me from making big mistakes if I had actually listened to them when I had my own crisis.

You're her sister. You're family. You're blood. Protect your nieces and nephews and talk to your sis. Family business is YOUR business.

You ARE watching a train-wreck. The most you can do is talk to her about your concerns and recommend counseling for her. You care about her and her kids and want the best for her. As I stated before, I would definitely address it with her...I would also keep a healthy perspective on this. It will be up to HER to listen and take the good advice that you give her. You can't force her to take your advice..but I would definitely talk to her about her choices....There is no point of investing in the men she keeps introducing into the lives of her family...I would invest time in trying to help your sister make better choices....We all would like to save our family from the consequences of their actions, but they have to be willing to take the advice that you give...address it with her and hopefully she will be open to taking your advice...

ETA: If you ever feel the kids are in any danger of being neglected or abused you can always contact the proper authorities if it come to that..Hopefully, it won't escalate to that point. Maybe your sister will respond to and be open to discussing her issues with you and getting the help she needs in IC.

Good luck!

Don't invest emotions in any of them. Odds are they won't be in her life for too long and their presence is confusing to the kids.

She may notice a coolness when it comes to the men she has in her life and may ask you about it and it will give you an opening down the road to discuss the matter if you can't bring yourself to call the issue to her attention sooner.

But step up and give her your two cents ASAP.

Thanks to you all....
This is sooo hard. But, she handed me my head on a silver platter today when I tried to talk with her. Apparently, yesterday at dinner, we were discussing whether or not we were considered 'high maintenance'. I told her I thought she was, under the joking manner it was brought up. She is a single mom, runs her own business & never has a moment to herself, as her home is a revolving door to many, many visitors always. So, to me, that's high maint. Anyway, to the point, she called today and instead of saying hello, she says "what right did you have to call me HM in front of new guy?' Don't you understand, men don't like women who are HM and this could be a deal breaker'? I quickly expained that if he runs due to an off comment like that, then she has much bigger fish to fry. She doesn't even seem like she's operating with a clear head. Sounds like to A fog everyone gets into!

You have an opening to address things with her.

Try the sandwich approach. That means you say a good thing, follow up the good thing with the criticism and concerns you have, and end it with a good thing.

She needs to date men based on how they will fit into her kid's lives, not hers. How will the men treat her kids? Will they understand their roles? Will they try to step in and discipline when it's not their place to?

I can tell you now that those kids are on the verge of teen years and any man she dates will get a giant "FU" from the kids if he oversteps his bounds.

The kids will be very resentful and angry with her if she doesn't put them first and insists on keeping a parade of men in and out of their lives.

Her view of the future is short sighted. She may only have 8 or 10 years before her kids are adults and gone. Enjoy that time with them and forget about men till then.

That's how I feel about my kids. I'm willing to wait till I'm in my 40's to get serious with someone because THEY are my priority. Sure, it would be nice to have something sooner, but I'm not out actively looking for it anymore. I'm comfortable being a dad.