I think it's a matter of degree. It's one thing to say to your partner "honey, I like your hair longer" (AS) or "I wish you'd try to get that great job" (FS), but it's another to say "honey, I wish you'd stop acting so immature".

There is another thing at play, IMO. There is a difference between working things out with a spouse (because you have made the commitment and might as well make the best of it), which is what I consider MB to be, and trying to fit a square peg into a round hole by trying to get a person you are dating to change. I'd be really worried if I had to ask my dating partner for significant changes, because the likelihood of it coming back to haunt me would be very high, IMO.

I don't know why, but every time I read Sunny's frustrations about her BF's habits and how she is trying to change him (or "help him change himself", I don't want to get caught up in semantics), I picture that age-old "motivational" poster - "The Beatings Will Continue Until Morale Improves".

AGG

Sunny,

I've been here for a few years and it seems your posts all goes back to you fiance, his friends and the way he entertains people. This was a problem in his house, now it a problem in the house you both moved to. I don't think he will truly change, it's just his ways. If someone wants to change they will do it on their own without throwing it in your face. You've just got to either accept fiance's way and over look it or don't and move on. You've spent how many years with fiance and still struggling with the same issue? Just MHO.

Jo

I agree Fiori. You know how sometimes you "know" something, but it takes a long time to "accept" something. I am sure that fiance convinced himself that his difficult friends would come around and see how happy he was, but they didn't, and now he is accepting that they are toxic and moving on...

Sunny

When he turned forty he took a long look at his lifestyle and like many people at this age started to wonder if he was going to be alone when he got old. He had decided several years before he met me that he needed to change his lifestyle - the parties etc. in order to have a family of his own. He saw all of his friends pairing off and becoming less available and was lonely and depressed.

I see more that he was determined to follow a certain path, but like GG points out was not prepared to completely let go of the past.

He confessed after all this that he had backslided and apologized. He was trying to blame me when I pointed out that this was his choice and I was not the reason he had made this choice. Especially since he decided all this before he ever met me.

Sunny

If hes decided to get married, his lifestyle is changing. Thats it big guy. FOrget about what you USED to do. If that is TOO MUCH of a sacrifice, the answer is easy....DON'T GET MARRIED. If he REALLY believes "he is being forced to change" he wants his cake and eat it too.

BUt, this FRIENDS thing will NOT go away. You guys get married, this will resurface and bite your square in the keister.

BUt, I gotta say, this partying thing......seems like something you guys should grow out of, no?? I mean, 2AM? Thats high school and college stuff.

Without a doubt, if PARTIES and BOOZE are THIS important, THERE WILL BE PROBLEMS. God, its hard enough to make a marriage work on its own, WITHOUT adding a endless game of BOB Newhart.

You gotta resolve this BEFORE you marry. Don't try to bury it. It won't be buried.

Spoken like a true reformed party boy! Good to see some spunk back in you..GG! You're right, though...I could never keep the schedule I had in college.