So my wife is/was having an emotional affair with a man at work. I found out, as far as I know it's stayed emotional. I've confronted her. She agreed to stop it. However, I didn't require that she never see him again as she works with him. I can see all text messages, but that's really about it.

Since then, I've read the Plan A and B stuff, and I feel like I might have compromised too much. Furthermore, I still don't feel my wife is actually ready to really fight for this marriage. I know I can't expect any sort of good feelings from her until I get that love bank out of the red, and I've been working my friggn [censored] off doing that for two weeks straight.

I would like to request that she quit the job and never see or speak with him again. I would also like to inform his pastor in order to bring his actions to light in hopes of saving his marriage. And emotional affairs only stay emotional for so long. However, I am nervous that it could erase all the work I've done for two weeks.

Advice...please...?

Please start reading here....

And yes ,IMO, you have compromised toooo much. But read, read, read!


How Affairs should end LINK

YES! YES! YES!

My husband DID NOT do that (even though I begged him) AND Steve H. told him to. Well right back into the affair with in 2 months. Now we are seperated and I am filing for D.

Good luck, nip in the bud if you can!

I have read those articles. I'm just concerned that I'd be overreacting for an emotional affair.

Sigh...I know I know...I said it myself. Emotional affairs only stay emotional for some time.

Oh...one other thing I did just remember. I did ask her to leave her job but she did mention that in one week something would be happening at her work that would be just as good. She is privied to confidential information at work, so I'm wondering if this guy (who is her boss), is going to be transferred or something.

I guess I shouldn't be trusting it. But yeah...frick...this sucks. I have never felt more pain in my life.

Expose to OMW, insist on NC, wife must leave job.

Insure the affair is over and permanent no contact is established and the biggest risk to your marriage is removed. It is a huge risk to your marriage and can easily escalate.

Also, your next biggest risk to your marriage is being unable to work on and solve the problems in your marriage. This is impossible to do if there is any type of an affair going on.

Is this serious to you or isn't it? If it is act like it is. If it isn't act like it isn't.

The marriage means more to her now than if she is in a long term affair. If you act like it isn't serious now she likely won't either.

Great advice so far. I am sold.

Now I need to know the best way to do this. I want to avoid all Love Busters, but how do you make sure this doesn't come across as a demand or judgmental?

Exposure and protection (no contact for life) do not fall under the "no Lovebusters" rule. They can't. Your wife WILL probably see it as a demand and/or a judgment and get mad but your marriage can survive a little anger - it won't survive the affair.

As far as exposure - please ensure that no one knows in advance what you are going to do. Expect your wife to be FURIOUS. Not just "angry" but fighting, biting, spitting mad. Wait it out and make sure that you remain calm and civil. That storm will pass.

Mys

It would be funny if it weren't so sad. I got the same story....a stall tactic!!!!!!!!!!

Burnout,

Don't know alot about you. How long you've been married, kids, how long the affair has been going on?

Here is a link that gives you a bunch of info.

For Newly Betrayed Spouses

Asking her to leave her job is a very good idea. I asked my wife to leave her job and it was a very good decision and the first step of a long journey.

Ask her what it is that's happening? There's no reason for her to play word games..she should share these details with you!

And although it may seem awkward to set more boundaries after your initial compromise, you have every right (duty in fact!) to expect more. Tell her the more that you think about it, the more you realize that she is so important to you, that you want to take bigger steps to ensure that your marriage is protected.

When she brings up the mysterious 'change' at work, ask her what day it will occur on. If she refuses to give you a date, you then tell her what YOUR date is at which point you will take steps to protect your marriage. You need to be in charge.

So I just had a long talk with her. A lot of hurts came up. She is not in a good state right now. She said that right now her job is the only things that she's living for. And if she had to leave it, she would be contemplating suicide.

She is going to a good counselor this week. I listened for about an hour and a half straight that I am the reason that she wants to die. She prays every night that God would take her. She said that I have NEVER loved her.

Obviously I haven't been a perfect husband, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes. But my gut said that at this point, I need to let the counselor talk to her. She's obviously too far gone for me to reach.

I will not stop fulfilling every EN I can humanly fill. But yeah...the issues are obviously far deeper than I thought. She had a pretty bad childhood, and I think the consequences of those times are playing into this.

Oh, and for the record. Married 4 years. No kids (thank God).

Sigh...sorry. I gotta post again. I'm really hurting.

Her co-worker said, "Look adultery up in the dictionary. Did you do it?" Somehow, she feels an EA is less damaging than a full-blown affair. I just read that article for newly-betrayed spouses. Yeah, I heard a lot of the same garbage.

If she hadn't mentioned suicide as a response to quitting the job then I would've enforced it. Was that the right thing to do?

Anyone feel like taking over for me?

It sounds like Plan B time to me. If she is hurting so much that she wants to die, and you're the reason, remove the reason. Seriously.

I think she's probably bluffing, but you never know, so oblige her. Tell her you want the absolute best for her, and if you're hindering her, then you think it's best that you leave.

Besides, if this is a bluff, you do not need to be exposed to that sort of a mind job. Protect yourself. Protect her. Protect your marriage.

YIM

Personally, I think I'm going to wait until Friday. She sees the counselor at that time. God has given me strength that I never knew possible through this time. I have worked my [censored] off for a couple of weeks and she did say that she felt there was some silver lining this morning when she got up. But I only found that out after I told she needed to quit her job. So I think I pretty much negated all my work. Would it be real bad to wait til Friday?

One of the big reasons I'm nervous to leave is that I did leave for three months to go to school (which is whole-heartedly supported by the way). It was during that time that she started a new job and met this guy. But I think I need to sell myself as much as I can. I haven't really done any Love Busting. I'm just trying to show her how good I can be. And she HAS shown me that she isn't pursuing a relationship with this guy.

Ack...it's so complicated!

Well, it sounds like they are regrouping and justifying to each other. My FWH had an EA. It's almost 3 yrs and I still have the scars from it. He talked to her about ME and our Kids. He told her how I took him for granted. On and on and on...totally rewrote our 27 yr marital history. She got into his head and heart. Sometimes I think a roll in the hay would have been better if that would have ended it. I think an EA is so much worse than a ONS or a few quickies after drinking at the bar.

You have to inform OM's wife. He will totally throw your WW under the bus and do all the damage control he can in his own marriage and probably paint your WW as the aggressor. Right now he's off the hook with no consequences. Show him some! His BS has the right to know what is going on in her marriage. OK, she already knows something's not right. Give her the relief to know she's not crazy.

The secrecy will be gone, the A will probably end for OM as soon as his BS knows. Make your WW too much trouble for him.
Do this for you!! And, by the way, if she is still talking to him at work, the EA is far from over, could reignite at any time.

Good Luck GF

I am most likely going to inform OM's pastor and wife tomorrow. For now, I need to lick my wounds.

Burnout,

Try and collect as much information as you can about the relationship. Specifically, what needs is he meeting for her and how is he doing it, then immediately start meeting those and do it well.

What is he getting from the relationship? If he is a man....

Find the other things that have value to her in her life and her life with you. There have to be other things. Even if it is a wedding picture. Think about how to use these to your advantage.

You need to expose to put pressure on the Affair. If it is truly only emotional, right now it is at great risk to go physical.

Consider your family, her family, the OM family, her work. I'm not sure of your relationship with her family but if she is suicidal you need to show that you care. I'm not sure of your relationship with your family but you need some type of support mechanism. The OM needs pressure. You are taking a good first step.

It is extremely hard to not Love Bust. If you can't control it say nothing.

You did nothing wrong by asking her to leave her job. You are slowly putting pressure on them that you are not just going to sit there and let them do whatever they want.

You are going through a very tough time right now. The next year is going to be very tough on you. Take an inventory of what is important to you and how you see yourself as a person and a husband. Then be that person in everything you do.

Choose a pace that you can handle. Too slow and the affair will grow stronger. Too fast and you'll burnout. Be persistent and steady. The first goal is to end the affair and establish no contact.

I'm praying for you.

If you want to save your marriage don't leave the home.