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I've read many posts here, where it is recommended to the BS to expose the discovered affair of WS to the friends, family, work associates, etc. of the WS.
I was just wondering if this practice is recommended in any of Harley's books or articles on the MB website. I've checked all the articles on Infidelity, but haven't found any such recommendation. I had revealed my WW's affair to two of my grown children and one of WW's sisters, who all have agreed to keep it confidential. Now, WW, after reading about lovebusters, is accusing me of the LB of being Disrespectful. (I realize we aren't going anywhere if we're going to quibble about such things). But, I've seen this advise so frequently on the boards, but haven't found it in the articles or books. If anyone has a reference, I'd be obliged.
Thanks in advance.
BH (me) age 55
FWW age 52
married 26 years
First DDay 2/23/08, 1 day after PA began, ~1-1/2 months after EA began
Multiple failed attempts at NC
confirmable NC since 1/23/09
(D 31; S 29) my first marriage
(D 27; S 25) her first marriage
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Hi Galoot, the concept of exposure comes FROM Dr. Harley, and like you, many of us have wondered why there is nothing on it in his books. I don't know why, but he does recommend it on his radio show and posts about it over on the private forum. Steve Harley counsels clients to expose. Here is one such post: While most affairs die a natural death in less than two years, there are some that take much longer to die. That's one of the primary reasons that my first rule in surviving an affair is to never see or talk to the lover again -- even if the affair seems to have died a natural death. An affair can rekindle after it seems to be over. And to guarantee complete separation between the unfaithful spouse and the lover, extraordinary precautions must be taken, such as providing radical accountability and transparency. In many cases, I've encouraged couples I've counseled to change jobs or even move to another state to help create permanent separation.
Another suggestion I make to a couple struggling to restore their marriage after one of them had an affair is to make the affair public. Everyone should know what happened -- children, relatives, friends, and especially the children and spouse of the lover -- so that the affair is exposed to the light of day. What often makes affairs appealing is that it is done in secret. Most affairs become very unappealing once everyone knows about it.
So whether an affair is a one night stand, or has been going on for years, the basic rule for ending them are the same -- extraordinary precautions to guarantee permanent separation. But I will admit that the precautions used for long-term affairs are usually more extraordinary than those used for short-term affairs. I've helped many spouses overcome affairs that have lasted over ten years, but none of them have been easy.
Best wishes
Willard F. Harley, Jr. another: But remember to expose your husband's affair to the light of day. Don't hide it from anyone, including your children. Transparency is like chemotherapy. Hopefully, there is someone who is talking to your husband about the tragic decisions he's making, and can influence him to change course.
Best wishes
Willard F. Harley, Jr.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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The general principle is to only expose the affair to END it. After the affair is ended, there is no reason to expose. The only exceptions would be to the OP's spouse and your children. Dr. Harley always recommends that the children be told along with the other BS, regardless of the state of the affair.
As far as being "disrespectful," what is 'disrespectful" is HAVING an affair. It is not a lovebuster to expose an affair unless it is done arbitrarily and punitively. Your wife sounds a little foggy yet but I would expect her resentment about exposure to change once she recovers. A recovered WS will not resent exposure. You didn't ask to be put in this position and its a shame you were.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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The general principle is to only expose the affair to END it. After the affair is ended, there is no reason to expose. The only exceptions would be to the OP's spouse and your children. Dr. Harley always recommends that the children be told along with the other BS, regardless of the state of the affair. I agree. I had only reveal it to two of my grown children after I had discovered WW had lied about the PA being over, and then said to me there was no chance of reconciliation. Since, at the time, it appeared divorce was inevitable, I was just alerting the kids. In her bitterness over this, WW has denied that she ever said it was unreconcilable. She also forgets that she is the one who told our daughter (because she thought I was going to, and wanted to get her side of the story in first). I also informed one of WW's sisters, but in confidence. Sister agreed not to tell anyone, even WW that she knew. I just needed some one to talk to and get a grip on what was going on with my WW.
BH (me) age 55
FWW age 52
married 26 years
First DDay 2/23/08, 1 day after PA began, ~1-1/2 months after EA began
Multiple failed attempts at NC
confirmable NC since 1/23/09
(D 31; S 29) my first marriage
(D 27; S 25) her first marriage
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I believe that it is also vaguely referenced in SAA. Exposure is used to hold the WS accountable so they cannot repeat their actions without consequence. You've also got a track record of exposing once, her saying that exposure ruined your chance of reconciliation, and then wanting to reconcile with you later.
Last edited by jmwc95; 04/24/08 02:54 PM.
Jim BS - 32 (me) FWW - 33 Married 8/31/03 No kids (but 3 cats) D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA) NC agreed to - 11/8/06 NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07 Status - In Recovery Jim's Story
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She also forgets that she is the one who told our daughter (because she thought I was going to, and wanted to get her side of the story in first). This is one of the main reasons to tell your children early in the process. If you don't tell them the truth, your WS will give them a highly spun version, causing confusion and making them vulnerable to WS tactics. A typical WS tactic is to bring the children into the affair in order to make it more acceptable; ie: normalize the abnormal. Also, I would let your wife know that her sister has been told. It won't hurt her to know that and this is not something that needs to be kept secret. Has your W ended her affair? Has she ended all contact with the OM? Welcome to Marriage Builders, my friend, sorry you are here. 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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You've also got a track record of exposing once, her saying that exposure ruined your chance of reconciliation, and then wanting to reconcile with you later. Did y'all tell Galoot they ALL say that? It is straight of the WS handbook. 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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IMO, one of the best ways to get someone to stop doing something so horrible is for them to feel ashamed that they did it. While she may still be in the fog, having a church member or a brother or sister come up to her and ask her what she was thinking will surely still shake her to her boots. Sometimes that is enough to never want to go through that again, never stray again, if her need for admiration is strong enough.
I would tell her that her sister knows, too. Or ask the sister to tell her.
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