Well, I went from quasi-happily married, to fearing for my marriage, to finding out WH was cheating, to having him separate and leave me for her in less than one month.

He currently is staying with OW (his "official" girlfriend) at her house, and he says he will be getting his own apartment asap. I am living in our apartment at the moment. There are a lot of loose ends that need to be addressed before I can fully implement plan B.

I want to save our M, but I cannot be around him anymore. He is getting more and more hurtful and mean each time I talk to him. I think I need to cut off contact before he can't even stand to look at me. Everything I do upsets him.

I have been trying to plan A for the last three weeks. I haven't been able to meet many ENs, as he wants pretty much nothing to do with me other than to figure out logistical stuff with the bills/apartment. I have exposed to everyone on the list I had, other than OW mother and father. My MIL offered to do that, but the numbers were incorrect. I am at the point where I don't even want to try to find the right numbers. The fallout from the other exposures has been pretty severe- WH says he will never trust me again for breaking his confidence.

I am living in our apartment right now. BUT, I cannot afford the bills- I am a full time college student, and WH worked full time, providing 80% of the income. I left the apartment for about a week, and then came back after the insistence of people on this board. So, I am back in my home, but it will be very hard for me to get along financially.

WH has agreed (as of now) to pay 1/2 of my bills- I will have to figure something out to be able to afford the other half...and that doesn't include things such as food, clothes, etc. I have a part time job...I will be getting some financial aid $ from my school for spring and summer, and will be able to work alot of hours at my job. I guess I will have to bite the bullet and live off of student loans for now?

I need to get a LSA. I also have an appointment for a lawyer for Tuesday.

Does anyone know how much a lawyer costs? Will they help me with LSA? I don't want to get a D...will they help me with that? I have never done this before.

How do I keep myself from breaking NC? I need to mentally prepare myself.

So here is where I am at:

+ WH supposed to be moving out the rest of his stuff tomorrow or this weekend
+ Free consultation with lawyer on Tuesday
+ Need a LSA, hopefully guaranteeing the WH will help pay bills
+ Need to get auto loan in my name only (WH is cosigner...)
+ Need to figure out mutual friends to help with NC
+ Need to get plan B letter ready, so after details are figured out, I can go NC
+ ???

Redberries,

Remember how we warned you about blameshifting? He cheats on you with OW and has the bal*s to say that you broke HIS confidence?

Please!

Be strong.

You don't have kids, which I overlooked before.

This is big for you.

You can have a super dark plan B and not have a reason to stay in contact with him.

You can't afford a lawyer, so you can go to one, establish alimony to help you stay where you live, and obligate him to pay the bills.

You can stick him with your legal bill as well.

Pretty early for Plan B. You need to do a short Plan A first. LSA's are just as expensive as divorce in California, so check with your attorney.

Can you get a roommate? That is what I had to do. I still have them.

I disagree that you need to plan A.

You have no kids with this man and he's flown off.

You go to a lawyer, tell him/her up front you can't afford him.

You won't be the first and only spouse who can't afford a lawyer without the other spouse paying for it.

So they'll file the papers for you and stick him with the bill since he's the bread winner.

And he'll have to pay alimony during SA because he's been married long enough.

Yes, we all told you to move back to your apartment.

Well, I'm sorry if I was one of them. I thought you had kids and you don't.

Go right to plan B. Write the letter.

Did we not tell you that he would say all that he said after your exposure?

All he said to you is typical.

But guess what? YOu have no kids. You've lost nothing and you're still very young and able to move on, learn from this, learn about MB, and use the principles in your next marriage.

You love him too much to feel what I'm about to tell you, but hear it and believe it later.

You have lost nothing. He cheated on you. Perfectly legitimate biblical reason to divorce.

You tried. You wanted him back. He turned his back on his faith.

All legit reasons to D from a religious viewpoint.

Now.

Get the plan b letter written. Go see a lawyer and stop making assumptions about one. Most give a free consultation.

They will establish legal requirements to protect you financially.

They will file for an order to establish support.

Meanwhile look for a job.

This sucks and you didn't ask for it.

It's a lesson for you.

Best of luck. Now run in the other direction.

Most lawyers will give you a free 30 minute consultation. It's worth it to "interview" a few lawyers using this. It helps you to verify facts about laws in your state, plus it will help you to find a shark. You want a shark.

Something to ask about is if your state would recognize a LSA that you wrote (i.e. does this document have to go through a lawyer or the courts). Despite everything he says and does right now, your WH feels very guilty and is more likely to agree to things you need. Beware though - when you first mention them to him he will freak out in an angry rage. The next day he will accept your terms.

Thank you so much everyone.

I have contacted two lawyers so far. A lady that I talked to yesterday said that WH might be required to provide me with health insurance for three years- through COBRA (which he will NOT like!). I am feeling better about everything right now, but it is still hard.

WH said it would be inappropriate for me to be around him since he is committed to OW as his gf- he knows I want to work on things and does not trust me. He does not want to get an LSA anymore...he wants to go right to D. He said he should have everything ready in a few weeks.

I told him I was NOT interested in D at this time, and don't expect me to be supportive of D measures. He said no problem, he will take care of it himself. I am going to see an attorney to help me get everything I deserve. Basically, I am going to drag my feet through the D process, so if he ever gets out of his fog, we might be able to save the M. But I am going to be ready in case he does go full blast through the process and D's me this quickly.

Thanks everyone for your support.

Ok, here's what you need to do:

Many states have a certain period that is required for divorce to take place. Separation must be established first.

Take the offensive.

Filing first gives you HUGE advantages and lets you control things in terms of pace.

For example, you can file for D. Your state may require you wait a year for it to be final. The day before it happens you can withdraw your D request, forcing him to take action and stay legally married and then you make him have to file. Guess what happens? The clock resets!

So time is on your side.

DO NOT AGREE TO A DIVORCE YOU DON'T WANT!

File on the grounds of adultery and emotional cruelty.

What he is saying to you is fog babble. He's married and shacked up to someone else and has the audacity to say he can't trust YOU!

Don't take that. When he starts his fog babble you hang up.

A separation agreement must be filed and you will get support requirements.

Then you DRaaaaag your feet with everything and instruct your lawyer to make it as drawn out and painful as possible.

Like Ja Ja Gabor said, "Don't get half. Darling, get everything!"

Make him pay the price for adultery. The courts will be very sypathetic to a woman who is simply trying to live her life and get by while her H wants to go be immoral.

Thank you so much for your advice. I have three appointments with attorneys now, two tomorrow, and one on Tuesday. Two of them come highly recommended, and will fight to help me get everything I deserve.

My landlord is supportive, and will work with me as far as paying the rent goes. He knows I might be a little late. My financial aid office at school is also helping me and worked some things so I will have some extra $ to help me live off of. And my boss is understanding, and I will be working a lot more hours over the summer to help me get by. My brother is coming tomorrow to stay with me, and will be helping me any way he can.

I will drag my feet through this D, and make this the hardest thing he has ever had to go through. I will FIGHT for my marriage, he cannot just toss me aside this easily.

I know you haven't figured out how to find the OW's parents phone numbers to expose, but, you should figure this out if you want to fight for you marriage. The OW needs pressure on her to end the affair.

yes, I know. Right now I am going to focus on getting my lawyer stuff figured out, and my see how that goes. Maybe my MIL can do more digging. I am just worn out in that respect right now.

$100 to a PI will get you all the info you want on the OW.

Good job on seeing the attorneys. I don't know what state you're in but a lot depends on that. In a situation like yours (short-term marriage, no kids) unless there are a lot of marital assets to fight over, an attorney will probably advise you to cut your losses and move on. That's what they're supposed to do.

Someone else suggested that you file first, to only drop the suit at the last minute. That's a good strategy (I did it) but it depends on your state. Ask the attorney about that. If you do end up filing, MAKE SURE that you tell your attorney that you want temporary support while the suit is pending. Even if your husband files first, you can STILL ask for temporary support, especially if there is disparity between your income and his.

I will ask about this tomorrow. I want to be clear that I do NOT want the D, but want to protect myself in the event that WH goes through with it anyway.

I will let you all know how it goes.

I had my first lawyer consultation today...and I am so down now. I just want to cry.

Basically, the lawyer told me that since we were only together five years, and have no children, it will be very difficult for me to get anything out of him. He says to just split everything down the middle as far as debt goes, and just move on. He said some women ask him to drag their feet with things, and try to make the D process take as long as possible, and he hates doing that because it never helps, and the men never change.

He said basically I do not really need his help until I get the D papers in my hand from WH. Then come to him and he will try to help me the best he can. He said I will probably be able to get attorney fees paid for by WH, but that is pretty much it.

I just want to cry. He gets to cheat on me, leave me for OW, and ruin the life we created together by not helping me financially? I am just so sad...

I want to give up.

WHat should I do??? I feel desperation setting in...I want to take him his favorite Starbucks and drop it off at his work...maybe he would like that...I don't know. I just want to cry.

I would find another attorney. Remember, he is supposed to be working for you.

Agree totally with keepitreal.

Also, on your next consultation, ask about LSA's and if this is something you can set up on your own vs. through lawyers and courts. My WSTBX was adamant about not involving lawyers and therefore never saw one, not even on free consultation. That, in addition to his hurry to get out of the M and he was willing to sign the LSA that I wrote that basically gave him a few crumbs while I got everything else.

I have another appointment in a few hours, hopefully that one will go better. I will ask about the LSA. I mentioned it to WH, and he said he wasn't interested in LSA, only D.

Agree with Believer

I am so thankful that you are both saying this. I agree as well.

Ok...too early for Plan B...

How do I do a good Plan A? Do I let him contact me when he needs something, and try to be as pleasant as possible? Do I take him a coffee to his work as a surprise? Do I send him notes? What should I say in the notes?

Please, I need guidance...