I thought I was through all of this. Thought I wouldn't have to deal with it. Until last night.

Last night, ex wife asked how I would feel if her and the OM were to start dating publicly (she has been secretly doing it for 2 years trying to break up his marriage). Well, this went all through me..... Call me an idiot, I thought they would end the affair since he did not seem willing to leave his wife and I really thought she had more integrity than that (I should know better)

So, my response was that I would be a jerk basically. I would need a drop off point, not promise to be nice, etc. Honestly, I would like to find a legal way to keep him away from the kids and not deal with this. But, that is not fair, I know. Certainly, my relationship to her would change because I am not ready to look at the symbol of our marriage demise for the next 20 years. I know this is not right, but it is raw emotional response.

In many ways, I have given the ex wife a pass and transferred all my anger, hurt, resentment, etc to this unseen face of OM. Now, it appears he will be a seen face. I am scared as to how I will react....

I don't want her back, but I don't want them to be together either. I can not control that and need to be the better man and forgive and make things easier for my kids. Gosh, this is difficult.

So, my question is how can I forgive this man? How should I deal with this relationship? What should the kids be told of this OM? What is fair of me to ask? What is unfair?

Do the kids live with you or her? If they live with her I find it hard to believe they don't know anything about him..

What do you tell the kids? You tell them the truth. Because they are going to find out sooner or later and it is better coming from you then say, the kids at school. Never lie to your children. You tell them, your marriage ended because of mommy's boyfriend.

As far as them dating publicly, is one to assume he has left his wife then? Real nice. You can't control her or him. You are now divorced so you can't prevent the kids being around him either.
So, you need to be honest with them and let them form their own opinion.

You don't have to have anything to do with the man. I have nothing to do with ow unless she does something stupid, which she has a few times. I have no issue putting her in her place if I need to.
But for the most part, I just ignore the 2 of them. Keep your comments about him to yourself and be the better man you know you are. You stand with your head held high if you see them out somewhere. Don't even say a word to either of them.

Forgiveness is hard. BUT, it is a gift from God. Forgiveness does not mean you forget. But it means you don't allow them anymore space in your life or in your head. Hatred will weigh you down.

mlhb

I completely hear and understand you. I have never met WSTBX's OW before and she is nothing to me except a homewrecking w****. I have transferred anger and blame onto her for just about everything from my personal problems to global warming (she's just a pile of toxic waste after all). I'm quite content with hating her. It doesn't actively consume me or anything, but she's a convenient catch-all for everything that is wrong or evil in the world. But it's easy to do when you don't actually have to see them.

WSTBX and OW live together and WSTBX has signed up to play in the same baseball league as me this summer (there are dozens of leagues he could play in and only one I can so you know this is just to hurt me). She will likely come to the games and put on a show for me. I plan to completely ignore both of them regardless of what they do. The entire league knows what happened and knows exactly who she is. My first game is this Sunday - I would be happy to let you know how it goes.

As for actual forgiveness, I doubt I will ever forgive her as I have no motivation to. I'm sure it will rip me apart to see them together week after week, but I will never let it show. I know I'm better than she (and he) is.

WOW! Is this subject clandestine (spelling?)!!



I am not divorced but smack in the middle of healing and recovery. I posted on another subject subject RE: Triggers,
about how H's OW googled me and read my rantings here and wanted me to apologize and stop. I have changed my ID so as not to cause any more issues because if she googles again there won't be anything new. I don't want H to get phone calls now she has stopped phoning HIM but not ME! Yep. She phoned ME on Saturday with all this. Then yesterday I get an email with a christian webiste and a message that the website is helping her heal, and she hoped I could forgive her. I responded that I can not forgive her and maybe in time God could. Today..another response about how it's funny I can forgive H but not her and it's the same sin. Knock..knock. LEAVE ME ALONE!

Try having the OW be a former best friend....wanna talk about hard feelings?? There are days I have wanted to kill her...and other days I have wanted to forgive and forget...It's truly a struggle.

Don't even get me started on the Ex...he's a piece of work in and of himself. Ex and OW are getting married July 19...the tole this has taken on our 11 year old daughter is beyond words. In a nutshell..he has choosen the OW over our DD. Talk about heartbreaking!!

The kids live with me about 2/3 of the time. Until now, my ex has just been laying low and sleeping with OM, etc, I believe. Don't know for sure.

Really, it is none of my concern. But, if she plans to have OM around, it changes the dynamics. This is my worry.

My feeling is she believes that he is going to or he has left his wife from the conversation we had.

So now, it appears I will have to play nice nice with OM and ex, which makes this a little more difficult becasuse I blame global warming on him as well. I guess I must address my feelings of resentment and come to some closure to deal with this responsibly.

At the end of the day, he was just a typical scumbag man taking advantage of the opportunity my ex gave him. My ex, OTOH, violated the covenant we had and crushed me in many ways. At the end of the day, I hope when I see them together I can think "Man, I am glad you are the [censored] who has to be with this cheating wh$%^" and be glad I have an opportunity to find a new love more deserving than the first.

Hopefully, there will be justice given to them in the end.

Since you are on speaking terms with XW, can you ask her that OM not be involved in any transfer of kids or communication with you in any way? The OWH in my sitch has to face my WSTBX (his OM) from time to time as he lives with OW (his WSTBX - following this?). Initially, my WSTBX and OW thought OWH would "get over it" quickly and OWH could drop off/pick up OWH's DD from his house. OWH told him to stay off the property so he started parking on the street (how exactly do you put eye-roll smileys in here?). Eventually, through discussion with OW (his WSTBX), they have ceased even attempting to use OWH as the drop off/pick up guy, at least wrt to OWH, even when it causes them inconvenience. Of course, they consider OWH to be a whiney baby for this who should grow up and learn to "accept" them. But most people familiar with the situation agree that he (OWH) should never, ever have to deal with WSTBX under any circumstances and regardless of the fact that DD now lives with WSTBX, OWH does not have to surrender his daughter to him as he has no custodial rights whatsoever.

grind,

Eventually you will forgive with things aren't so fresh. I am 5 years out of a divorce, I have forgiven them both. Have I forgotten? No Will I ever forget? No

I did have it put in my decree when divorced that their could not be any co-habitation when minor children were present. Worked for me, I didn't want my 16 and 10 yo daughters to have to deal with that. Their time with their dad was to be theirs with him and him only. Again this worked for me.

I kind of always went back to WAT's fog and alien theory on WS and OP's they were so caught up with themselves and what they needed that they didn't care who or what they hurt to achieve that. I was in a better frame of mind then they were.

So know that it does get better with time!!!

Dawn

I absolutely will never forgive OM for his part in destroying my family.

He knew exactly what he was doing and it wasn't his first time.

He dumped my wife as soon as I exposed to his family and my wife immediately divorced me in hopes he would reciprocate, but he didn't.

Once the nuke button was pushed, there is no going back.

Reconcillation for me would merely mean a well thought out payback and a deception that would finish the consuption of my soul.

why do you have to forgive this guy?

i think you did the right thing in being honest with your ex in that you said you could not be friendly with OM and that it would damage the relationship with her as a result

i also kind of disagree with one of the other posters

i dont think you should tell the kids that OM is the homewrecker... it serves no purpose to speak negatively about their mother. if the kids ask you a direct question, answer it but i wouldn't go out of my way to make sure the kids know about the adultry


you don't have to preted to be friendly with this guy. ignore him and move on. you can't control who your ex dates. if you need to talk to her about the kids and he is around, go in another room or go outside and talk

I don't think you need to forgive OM.

If you choose to forgive him, do it for yourself, not him. It is a very freeing feeling to forgive someone who doesn't deserve it. It's also really difficult - but the rewards truly are life-changing.

I think you CAN and SHOULD have a boundary set up for the children and for yourself with regard to seeing the OM.

I like Dawn's idea and a lot of others have used it in their divorce decrees, as well. Since you're on speaking terms, ask your ex to not have OM around. If she refuses, how about having an intermediary do drop offs and pick ups?

I think it's perfectly okay to tell your kids, in an age appropriate way, that OM broke up your marriage.

I think you're being too hard on yourself. Your raw emotion is nothing short of normal.

I believe it is easier to forgive your spouse, child, parent, someone that you deeply loved than a complete stranger. All you know of OM is that he had a part of the demise of your M and love for your wife/family. You have no other knowledge of him.

I have forgiven my STBX for the Many, Many OW. Why, because I loved him. I still feel sorry for him, that women and booze are more important than a good wife and a whole family. I feel bad that his life (though he may not see it that way) is EMPTY.

The OW that I don't know, I don't need to forgive them, since I don't know them, I don't feel that I have any animousity towards them. The couple that know, I just look and realize they are empty, trashy women, women that cheat on their husbands, lie to their families, lie to themselves. I'm not worried about forgiving them, it may never happen. I need to work on getting a life for myself and making me happy!

I'd say in your case, it's too soon for you to expect yourself to forgive this OM. Maybe once you have fully moved on, met someone who makes you happy you will just become blaise about him. But, I suspect any OM your XW is with may still be an upsetting point for you.

YOur kids do not need to know that your wife cheated with this man, or that he is cheating on his wife/kids. Someday, later in life they will find that out on their own.

Just try to keep the peace...

Hugs

I think that I would tell her that though they are publicly dating, I did not want to see HIM around. That you did not want to see him around the kids, with her by your house, at her house, no where. If she tries to tell you that you should 'be an adult' about it (like my ex told me) tell her that you ARE. You are aware of your feelings, and you do not want to subject yourself to them in this situation.

My now exh tried to get me to see him and his GF for dinner, so we could all be 'friends'. This was before we were D'd!!!

I hated her, but I hated HIM more for HIS choices.

I finally came to a place where I knew that there was nothing that I could do to stop it, and I just accepted that they are together, and was thankful that I was no longer with him any longer. SHE COULD HAVE HIM! LOL!

I finally met her, almost by accident, and I did not even have a reaction at all. It was very anti-climactic.

Hopefully you will be able to get to that place soon. It took me a while, but it is better.
I wish you well.