Hi everyone, I am 48 and have been married since 1981. The years were good some better than others. For the last five years I haven’t had H it seems. In the end 2006 we were moving and sat me down to tell me that “I was not going to move with him and my kids, because I would make his clients life miserable.” Big red flag. Come to find out he was being revered as nearly a God by a 16 year old girl. I read everything I could on these boards and going through menopause during this whole time, was also a killer for me. Well it is that way by itself without adding EO affair going on.

Learned to allow him his decisions and tried not to break down for the next 8 months. Lies were all he told and I knew it. I snooped on pc and checked the cell phone records. Still ongoing. Tried to concentrate on myself went to the church’s support group. Which helped a lot in my case. The situation culminated in February and he ended the professional/personal relationship with her and the pushy guardian.

Got myself a great job concentrated on that he went into depression his career has been declining in the last five years also. He worked my heart very good , now that I can look back. I believed in him and his words to me. He knew what to say and what to do. Convinced me he was just professional and nothing else. I knew better but, I am weak or just wanted to believe.

Got a call six months later from the guardian crying to come back to him. WH has sworn faithfulness to me and my boys. There is nothing and has never been anything special about this now 17 year old girl. So I make conditions to the Guardian of her and let them come back. My H said I restored his business and faith. I was glad to make him happy. Even the conditions he happily met. Which there were three. She never comes alone, no calls, no pc letter, msgs, etc.

Two months later, he goes to her myspace and logs in her password. I am sitting by him driving she calls him. Learned also that they talked the whole time they were supposedly gone. Live and learn. Now she is 18 and he told me he wants me out of his life.

He never yet has admitted his feelings about her to me. I am numb, angry, and going through things I should not have to.

WS say and do anything to get what they want. I read that here over and over and NEVER GOT IT. I thought I did. Gave myself to much credit wanted to believe and trust like I had always done. You give your life to someone and it seems I thought I could trust H. Yet, that was my mistake. Everyone here and in the books warns of this. “There is no recovery with that other person is in their life.” I have learned this lesson as well as many more mentioned on these boards.

I want to thank so many people on this board for sharing their stories. Some recovered some did not. I have learned through sheer pain in looking at myself and all of my mistakes. It is not someone’s else’s fault I did these things, said these things and acted out things I wouldn’t have done. Still, I can say. That I worked on me (which is always ongoing), not lied or chose to rip apart my family. Always had their best interest in all these years I have been married. That I am proud of.

So as I am going through my house and packing boxes. Why is it just devastating. Going through the pictures packing them is just like dying inside. I have held together well the last two days but today is not so good. Still I don’t understand the why’s and how someone you loved and given your life too could possibly be so malevolent and cruel. Today just feels to me as if my whole adult life was a lie. That is hard to face.

Do you have children at home that you are leaving with him?

My emotions today are so up and down. Last night as I light the cake for my 25 year old son. I walked it over to him and his 17 year old brother singing happy birthday to him. Thinking how sad that their father was sleeping on the couch after being with his girl all day. Its moments like these that I think build up on me and cause nothing but, tears the next. Why dont' they see the little important moments they will loose forever?
He asked me this morning as he is off to go with his girl again. Why didn't you wake me up. That made me so angry. What I did say "if his birthday is important to you, you would have made it a priority. It is not up to my job to make you a loving dad." Then he said nothing. Later he was on teh couch and stated I called him did he tell you? I asked called who? He said our sons name. Then asked him why did you tell me you called our son? Oh, I called him to wish him happy birthday. I bit back my response and said nothing. So why is it necessary for him to tell me our son at least got a call? Does this justify himself or something?

My boys are 25 and 17. I am packing but, not sure where to go yet. I have to get out now for my sake. The boys are aware and old enough to know what has been going on. My oldest is a man. Two days ago he told me and H that we needed to divorce. Then looked at me and said any person that wrote those emails to that girl like he did does not deserve to be married to you.

How sad that you choose to live like this. I bet your boys are devastated that you will not lift a finger to defend their family and are now selfishly abandoning them to this sick man. I can't even imagine their disgust and shame. Instead you are moving out and making it easier for your H to carry on his affair with this girl. Now he is free to even bring her into your home. With your 17 year old watching. You are abandoning your own son to this horror.

Why are you enabling your H's affair? Whose side are you on, Missadia? I can't tell because everything you do aids the AFFAIR at the expense of your marriage. You keep the affair a secret. You tolerate the affair, and now you even move out so it will be easier for him to carry on his affair.

Perhaps if you had called the police on this child sexual predator and had him tossed in jail when he first started pursuing her at age 15, you would not be in this place today. Do you see where your complacency had led you?

Unbelievable case of enablement. Unbelievable.

The boys have been "old enough" since they were FOUR to know what is going on and should have been told years ago. Have you ever sat them down and explained to them their father is sexually exploiting a CHILD and explained why this is WRONG?

Or have they been watching this disgusting spectacle with complete silence from the ONLY SANE adult in their lives? The ADULT is who is tasked with their MORAL GUIDANCE? Silence denotes ENDORSEMENT to a kid, and causes great moral confusion in kids, btw.

How dare you attack me and say this! My boys know I have dealt with this for THREE YEARS. They know I contacted the police. THEY KNOW I AM THERE FOR THEM and love me to death. THEY know there father is sick and its not normal. THEY KNOW ALL OF THIS BECAUSE THEY HAVE PAID FOR HIM AS WELL AS I HAVE.

Your judge jury and hangman alltogether. I HAVE NO CHOICE but to leave. MY 17 year is going with me. HE WOULD NEVER STAY WITH HIS FATHER. He has told him that. MY oldest is a MAN and can make his own decisions and has his own life.

SO a 18 year old is legal I have NO SHAME. I have done nothing but, been a supportive wife and mother for all of my adult life. How dare you hold me responsible for H ACTIONS!!!!!!![/quote]

Where do you get off. He will not be there.

Who siad I kept it a secret!!! Women you have no idea. No one cared unless it was sex. No one gives a damn her mother her gaurdian her sister No one. He was dad mentor as they called it he carte blanche given those rights by all of her depraived family. Not by me.

Age 15? So where did you get that from? I WORK IN LAW ENFORCEMENT! I threw hard copies of his messages and calls in his lap and when he got ride of them it was me at the police station!!!! where do you get off telling me my family has not paid a price. I am leaving because she is 18 and he is totally enamored because she is legal now and I DON"T want to be around to see this. My boys know about everything and have no respect for him we have talked about all of this and they are supportive of me and tell me that I am smart women and I can find a better life for myself than what their father is handing all of us.

Yes, I do hold you responsible for YOUR ACTIONS, Missadia. Or rather, LACK OF ACTIONS. A lack of action that equates to ENABLEMENT. You ARE responsible for enabling this affair.

What have you done in all this time to stop this affair and protect those boys? Why is your H out on the street flaunting his affair if you have reported his sexual molestation of a CHILD?

PROVE IN COURT there was sex. He is dumb but not that dumb.

Missadia, here is what you wrote on this forum 18 months ago 10-6-2006:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubb...in=138044&Number=1755174#Post1755174

And today she is 18 years old, the affair in full bloom and you are vacating your own home. How did you get this terrible place? And why isn't your H in jail?

Thank you melodylane for making the worst time of my life even more so. Enabling this makes me sick to even think I did. I went over and beyond exposing talking. Counselors police and family. There was no sex there are no charges he was dad mentor. I know better because I know him. I have been called crazy nuts. Ran through the ground started to even believe it myself.

If you want to flame someone try doing it to the responsible person. I will not be responsible for his actions any longer nor will I let you say I enabled. If he and her do anything everyone knew I said they would. I won't be there to see it, nor be a part of it. Yes, I am making it easy for him now. I don't care what happens to both of them. I only care to get out and make sure my boys and I are healthy and happy together.

That was a typo. No sex no jail. Simple, he is not that dumb. He is waiting patiently.Mostly his satisfaction seems to come from the godly worship he recieves the ego feeding. He thrives fully off that.

What kind of "professional relationship" did he have with this "client"?

Tutor? Teen counselor? Shrink?

Highly unprofessional and unethical not to mention illegal. What steps did you take to protect this child from the pedophile living under your roof?

This is enablement:


Moving out is ENABLEMENT. Sorry that makes you mad to hear it, but you have ENABLED his sexual exploitation of a CHILD. In front of your kids.

I don't care if it makes you mad you hear that. You can't be HALF AS MAD as me, a bystander, reading this. I am horrified that you stood by all these years allowed this.

And I think you are in DENIAL if you believe there was NO SEX....MAYBE not intercourse but there has been SOME FORM of SEXUAL ACTIVITY..

Well the police didn't think so, her mother her guardian and her sister. So who else should I have gone too? Every person I brought it to said nothing or couldn't do a thing. My counselor read all of them and showed them to her superior they said its borderline and he needs help. Then they worked with me since I was the one in need and taking action to be there for my boys. So no enabling at all.
Mad is not the word with what I have been through he is excellent at making everyone think he was helping the suicidal girl. It is sick and I told EVERYONE NO HE ISN'T helping her. Explained he has never been there like this for his own boys. The man has never acted like this for anyone this is far more than mentor or a good friend to a girl. Only one person told him he was wrong the pasture. Who I also went to and he went out to talk to him. He told him he was WRONG she is a female and if it gets in the way of your family you are OUT OF LINE. I didn't cover up I didn't enable this. I let her guardian come back because i was stupid. I found out later they were on the phone the whole time. What did I enable in that. I dialed the phone? HER GUARDIAN IS A CORRECTIONAL OFFICER!
SHE is 18 now and I am leaving. Everyone will see I was right. I don't care she is now legal age and he has to pay for his actions not me.

Certainly not in denial I think the same as you do. I know him very well. Proving it is a different story. Still after all this she is 18 and like she says "he never will disappoint me. He supports me in my life and encourages me." I can't argue with that. He does since I demanded that its either she gets out or I do and he picked her. This is his choice now not mine and if he uses her. I don't care she is legal and can have her life ruined by a sick old man.

Have you read the novel "LOLITA"?

You have lived the SAME EXACT PLOT..

So you told your "counselor" and she told her "supervisor." Nice. So a whole city of law enforcement officers sat by while your H sexually exploited a 16 yr old child.

Somehow, I find that a little hard to believe, especially given your complete and total lack of concern FOR HER best interest in your posts. Never did this issue even come up until other posters pointed it out to you. In fact, the title of the thread from 2006, when she was only 15-16, is "Jealousy" because it was all about YOUR jealous feelings...........of a CHILD. A GIRL.

MissAdia, you drove the getaway car. You gave him permission to do this and did nothing when you knew he was pursuing a CHILD for sexual purposes. Even after she was gone, you gave your endorsement to bring her back, saying " I was glad to make him happy." You did this to appease your H.

This was posted when the girl was age 16, on October 6, 2006:

thread here

You were told by some posters to report this to the police, [thank you, pieta] but you ignored their advice altogether, focusing only on your own hurt feelings. Never did the fact that your H was sexually exploiting a CHILD, surface as one of your concerns. In fact, the title of the thread is "Jealousy" because it was all about YOUR jealous feelings...........of a CHILD. A GIRL. A VICTIM of your creepy husband. It's all about YOU with nary a thought for this girl.

You did this and then have the NERVE to tell me you are mad when it is pointed out? Lady, I am ENRAGED about this. You sat by and did nothing while your H pursued a child. By your own admission, you "allowed" this because you were "glad to make him happy." MY GOD.

I was told she was 12 when he sat me down in 06 and was told I wasn't going to move with the family. Does that tell you anything? I was told that he was dad. She needed him.
The truth came out when the text messages did her mother called on morning. Yelling about texts. I never checked a cell phone bill before and went about my life thinking its 'normal' till I checked that bill. I went nuts and told him to get ride of her NOW. I called a family meeting that night and our boys to tell them this is NOT NORMAL BEHAVIOR and she needs TO GO NOW.
I called the gaurdian that day her mother to tell them to stay away. ALL of them laughed. Months of gathering data and took it to the police. They talked to them all. NOTHING CAME OUT OF IT. Till one day I threw the biggest fit and called that GAURDIAN and the GIRL every filthy name. They were gone.
They were in contact the whole time unknown to me I let them come back for lessons yes I am dumb. I believed him I was wrong. Jealous yes of course. It is like living a nightmare but, your making me responsible of this mans actions like I did nothing is so stupid. I can't cut off his hands tie him down. I told everyone yelled screamed. Went to everyone that would listen. Is it out of your perspective to put blame on the person doing this. Maybe the parents also of this girl. I certainly would not let my boys go to someone that the husband called me saying their wife is making this much contact with my son!! As far as police calling me and asking about the relationship of my son and a women? SO blame me melodylane I put her in this spot. Didn't tell a soul and never every tried to stop it.

The Jealousy thread was what SHE AND HER FAMILY and MY HUSBAND said I WAS. That was it nothing going on SHE(meaning) me was making all this up because I was jealous only. NOT THAT I WAS. So stupid of you to say NO ONE WAS INFORMED. I am not her parent I am not her guardian. ALL of whom I spoke to in no uncertain terms to tell them to stop this relationship NOT ONE OF THEM LISTENED. I WAS JUST JEALOUS.
Yes this is about me! Its my fricken life and my boys. What are you talking about not about the girl. I told everyone and police social workers. What did they do. I am not here to protect anyone but my boys. If her family and the rest do not and blame me for being "just jealous' then so be it. I will say again to you I DID AND TOLD EVERYONE.
Your accusations is tantamount of blaming the rape victim for being raped.