I am 39, my wife 35. We have been together 15 years, married 12+. In June 2005 she told me she wanted to leave me because she was no longer in love with me, despite the fact she still loved me. The stress of the news---she is my world---caused me to get sick. I was in the hospital 2 days and when I got out she said we would work it out. June 2006 she says the same thing. Says she tried but it is just not working. She went to a counselor once and came home and said ok, she was staying. I knew 1 session did not change the world, but we moved forward. April 28th this year she tells me again and now is totally honest. I was 280 pounds when we married, and now tip at 400. She reports no desire to be with me and wants some change and I am not doing it.

That was 2 weeks ago. I have lost 31 pounds(yay) from the stress--not really trying, just stress. She tells me she does not think that her feelings may be revivable because it has been so long. I have known my weight was an issue, but until 6 weeks ago we had an active sex life and communicated well, very loving. She now tells me she has often wished I was a drinker, an abuser, or came home with a girlfriend so she would have an out. I feel I can lose the weight now that I know the truth about how she feels but she is unsure that will be enough.

I hate myself for getting like this--it is a disrespect to her. She went from 160-225 during the same time, but I loved her just as much as day 1 and assumed she did too. I was wrong. I was wrong to push her this far away and not catch on---I, per her words, am a great husband and father(9year old). I clean, do housework, do all the kid related stuff---everything I should do. But my weight has turned her off and since I did not know this in the beginning, I too am scared if too much time has passed.

She has agreed to see a counselor and we go this Thursday. I will move mountains if I have to, but I am just devastated. She is all I think about and everything we have is wrapped up in one another. Neither will be able to leave without a huge sacrifice all the way around. And then our son comes into the picture. I have done the 24/7 crying and begging but that has subsided. We talk and are getting along---she tells me she loves me very much, but just cannot handle my weight anymore.

Outside of getting in shape---how do I proceed to keep my sanity while we see if we can work this out.

I believe if she still has "love", we have a chance--but am so afraid.

And please no comments that she is shallow---I feel her reasons are valid--it is my duty to stay as attractive as possible for her and I neglected that.

Dan

Most of the people on MB are affected by infidelity so I'm not sure how soon before you get a helpful response. You may want to make an appointment with the Hurleys since they are the experts and should be able to help you better than the general crowd here.

Hi Dan -

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I do hope someone can come along and give you some much needed advice.

I would offer that maybe you should repost in the Emotional Needs section instead. You might get a little more exposure over there and some of the vets may be able to help you out.

Best of luck with your situation. I would definitely keep on with counseling for the both of you, and find a nutritionist and a fitness center with trainers who can help you start with some simple exercises to get you back on track to a healthy lifestyle.

You may find that your wife will start to join you in your new routine and this may revive the spark for her.

Physical attraction is a definite need for some. I do not feel your wife is being shallow. It just happens to be one of her needs. You're on the right track with starting a regime to work towards that.

LL

Check out the love buster questionnaire for the wives. Print it off and see if she'll fill it out for you. If she won't go ahead and fill it in for her as best you can and begin eliminating any love busters you've been committing.

Because she does seem so resigned, I would also try to simultaneously fulfill her top emotional need. You can figure that out by printing that off as well.

Generally, we don't recommend trying to eliminate LBs and fulfilling ENs at the same time. You want these changes to be permanent, and getting the LBs out of the way first is like patching the holes in a bucket. Fulfilling ENs is like filling the bucket.

Since she is probably not helping with her cooking, I would recommend you both go and see a nutritionist or family doctor together to make this a lifestyle change within your family - not just with you. A doctor or other nutrition specialist will hold you both accountable, track your weight, measure your BMI, etc. and generally get you on a better track.

Lastly, try and get some quality time in with her. Dr. Harley generally tells us to aspire to 15 hours a week, which comes to 2+ hours a day of quality time. That might include a walk, talking, playing a game, shopping, or doing other things that you might find on the recreational inventory list. If you can both find something physically exerting you agree on, it could work two-fold.

so...to summarize:

1. Print off and get her to fill out the LB questionnaire or fill it out for her if need be.

2. If you really think she's ready to leave right now, print off and get her to fill out the EN questionnaire or fill it out for her if need be.

3. See a professional about your weight as a family.

4. Spend quality time together doing something you both enjoy, building up to 15 hours a week.

Now...if she's receptive to filling out the questionnaires, you can tell her that there's also questionnaires for the husbands and that if there ever comes a time when she'd like you to fill yours out, you'd be willing to do that as well, so that you'd both be on board with MB concepts. Don't be discouraged if she won't do this or isn't interested right now. Sometimes, you have to make some serious consistent changes before the withdrawn spouse is able to contribute much.