hmmmm....maybe what's going on is that despite it all, you love her. What do you think about that possibility?



Then you need to rephrase the questions and ask them again. The answers may not be "satisfying," but are they truthful answers to the best of her ability?



Of course not. Forgiveness of the sort you are talking about requires, imho, confession and repentance of the specific sin involved. Forgiving too early, without that prerequisite isn't real forgiveness, because real forgiveness also involves promises that you, as the forgiver, make to the one you are forgiving.



You will get there for each sin that is repented of. So don't be overly concerned about "where you are right now."

God bless.

I think a polygraph is a kindness to a spouse....others here that have gone through it would agree.

What would you learn...the truth...and instead of it taking months or years to get to it...it could be gotten in three to four hours.

If you are not interested in getting the truth or are okay with getting it in dribs and drabs, I have nothing at stake here. Do it your way. I am telling you that what I have seen here and elsewhere suggests that every or almost every WS holds on to lies that are material to recovery. Again..if it isn't important to you...good luck.

I will say that it is a good sign that she came to you on her own. You do have that much in your corner.

Thanks for that reminder. I've been telling myself all day that this is a long process and that I will not always be where I am now.

After all I have spent on various things relating to D-Day, I don't know if I can spend what it takes for a poly test in my town. They're quite pricy. Those around me, including my pastor, do not like the idea of a poly test as it would be more meaningful for WW to repent of her sins instead of having them dragged out of her. Even though I agree with that assessment, the quick and painful agony of going through a poly sounds better than having the truth dragged out over years. I am just torn as I want the truth out now, but I also want to do what is best for my wife.

Yes, FH, I do still love her. If I didn't, I wouldn't be in such agony right now. One thing I told WW a few weeks ago was that she has the benefit of knowing how much I love her through all of this. I wish I truly knew how she felt.

We're 44 days from D-Day and I feel like I'm at a stalemate. I'm just kind of riding it out waiting for the next confession of sin from her. We are in the same house every night and sleep in the same bed. She wants to be intimate pretty much every night after giving me a back rub (which feels great after practice).

How should I be reacting to her? I still don't want to get too close as I am afraid of falling further down the mountain. But I'm not pulling away completely because I don't want her to give up hope.

What's my next play? How should I be acting to her? I don't feel like I'm in a Plan A/B situation here as the A is obviously over. I feel like I need to be working on getting my own emotions and life back in order before I start working on "us".

What's the best move to get closer to recovery?

Balin, just checking on you. How are you doing? I haven't read anything from you in a while.

God bless.

Right now, I'm placing my trust in God and praying that staying with her and loving her as my wife is what I am supposed to do. It really hurts sometimes, but He says that we wil be rewarded for obeying His commands. I am trusting that good will come out of this situation.

No new truths have come out for over a week. I don't know if that means they are all out in the open now or if that means she is finding ways to suppress things once more.

We have been much closer the last few days, but I still have that nagging feeling that not everything is right yet. For me, I am wondering if things will ever be right, but I guess that is exactly what I should be feeling. It's hard knowing that I can never blindly trust her again.

Despite the CONSTANT thoughts about how she could do the worst possible thing to me and our marriage, the more common concerns revolve around why she decided to stay and work things out and if there have been more.

In my mind, she still chose me over him because he could not give her a family. Plus, I am the only man in her life right now. As a stay-at-home mom, she does not come into contact with very many people at all, so she really doesn't have another option. What's going to happen when she rejoins the workforce and has free time after the kids grow up? The thought of her having free time again scares me to death. We have things in place to help build hedges of protection, but I cannot control her. That is up to her to keep those hedges in place. Again, this is where I am placing my trust in God that He has changed her heart in the way that she says He has and will not hurt me again.

Second, naturally, I have had thoughts in my mind about questions that she has answered many times before. Do I continue to ask some of those questions looking for her to finally give into the truth or do I let them go and either a) hope her answers are actually true, or b) hope that she will someday be convicted to tell me herself. If she tells me things herself, it would be better for her as she would be, once again, obeying the Holy Spirit to do what is right. I just want to know how much I need to push her about topics that I have already inquired.

I feel stronger now. I feel like I can be the spiritual leader that my boys and my wife needs. Although I am in NO way placing blame of the A on anybody but her, I know I was lacking in that part of my life before. I feel a strength now that I've never felt before. If she is going to hurt me more by either having another A or admitting to more lies about her past, I now know that I will not face those trials alone. Plus, she knows that if she has another A at anytime of our lives, I am gone and so are the boys.

It has now been 50 days since D-Day. We have not talking about the A in over a week and we have had a very good week. We have been closer and more intimate this week than we have been in a long, long time. It feels like we are in love all over again.

Is not talking about the A at this point healthy? Am I just living like a fool and living in denial right now? We have had such a good week that I hope in never ends. I know eventually we will have to talk more about things as I just have thousands of triggers every single day, but the feeling is good right now.

She is acting like the wife that I've always dreamed of. I guess I can just only hope this lasts forever. She says she is not doing it out of guilt, but that she feels like all the weight she's been carrying around for years has been lifted and she can start to see us for what we should be.

Vets, I just want to know if this is just a normal state of denial or if I am actually moving forward into acceptance. I know my story is not the most exciting in the world, but I really would like a little bit of advice. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Obviously the A and the reasons behind it must be addressed in full, without exception to really move on with recovery...

BUT, letting her fill your love bank back up a bit before you turn back to the hard work might not be a bad idea.

There's nothing wrong with taking a break and enjoying each other for a while. It been a long time since either of you has done that.

My W and I had a "honeymoon" period post D-Day. No, it doesn't make the problems go away, but reconnecting will put you both in a better frame of mind to deal with those problems.

Once again, I just want to thank everyone for all of the great advice you have given me.

FWW and I are still in a honeymoon phase and just loving every moment of it. We are affectionate constantly and SF daily, which is something that has NEVER happened in 9.5 years of M. Our boys are having a great time as we are spending a lot of time with them right now.

We talk about the A for a few minutes every 4-5 days. It is a healthy kind of talk about what we can do to avoid that ever happening to either one of us again. I now realize that I need our boundaries just as much as she does because we are all vulnerable. There are times when I feel that I could not be strong if another woman approached me in the wrong way. I've never felt this weak before, but honestly, it's there. By being so close to my wife now and talking about our boundaries, it's protecting both of us.

It is soccer season right now and I am gone 3 nights per week for games, some of them 2 hours out of town. This kind of hurts as a lot of the A happened while I was out of town working with my team. However, she has been very cooperative in getting family to visit during games or, for one game last week, driving the boys an hour and a half to come watch.

So, things are being put in place to help protect us and help us move forward. I know that some people say that "blind trust" is a bad thing in a M, but it was a blissful fantasy world when I didn't have to worry about putting iron walls around my wife.

I guess those walls should never come down in a M, but I'm hoping they become less of a distraction and a reminder of the A as time goes on.

76 days after D-day, depression is starting to set in. I was kind of counting on it happening as it has lways been there, but it seems to be growing right now.

But the reason for it is quite shocking ot me and is making me very uncomfortable as I have never been like this before.

I've read about "revenge affairs" and, of course, the thought has crossed my mind just like it has for probably every BS. But, I don't think that's what is going on with me right now. I don't want to have an A for revenge status. I don't want to make my W hurt the way I hurt, mainly because it is the worst type of pain that I could imagine. It tears through your entire being.

Because of the pain I'm feeling, I just feel like I'm broken. My sense of security and my sense of self-worth have been destroyed and need to be rebuilt. But until that happens, I'm hurting badly.

I am finding myself flirting with every female I know. I don't even know why half the time. Where would it go? The funny thought has occurred to me over the last many weeks that I wouldn't even know how to start an A in the first place. Serioulsy, how could I possibly convince a woman to have an A with a married man, especially if they themselves are married? I wouldn't even know how to get that ball started!

Then, after thinking about that, I think that some loser guy actually got my own W in that situation. What does that say about her? Out of all of the adult females that I know, I cannot think of a single one that would have the moral and ethical weakness that it takes to start a PA. Yet my own W is one of them.

My sense of self-worth is in the crapper. I am lost and I am hurt. What am I looking for? I love my wife, but right now there is that sense that she loves me because she has to. I'm not feeling that love that I thought I had before D-Day. The love I felt was because she WANTED to love me. Now, I feel as though it is out of duty.

I want to feel wanted and loved and admired and respected and desired. I guess it's too close to D-Day to feel that from my FWW. She is doing her best. She's being a great W and a great mother and trying her hardest to meet my ENs like she never has before. But what is the motivation behind her wanting to be with me? It's not the same as it was before. Maybe it truly is stronger and real and I'm just not used to that yet. I know that what she felt for me during the A was out of duty. Maybe I just haven't gotten used to the real deal yet.

I now realize that this is just a useless rant and probably does not make any sense at all, but I just had to get it out there. Since I met my W, I've felt like the luckiest man on the planet. I know I should not care what the world thinks of me and that I am loved by the only One that matters. So how do I cope with not feeling that human need for closeness? I truly feel like she broke me.

Hello.

The timeline is what bothers me. I do not mean to make you feel bad but I think it is essential that you get a paternity test on your children. I think the chances are high that she may have gotten pregnant from the OM. I don't think you have the full story.

(((Balin)))
My heart hurts for you because I can totally identify with how you are feeling. I am at Day #100, and the pain feels just as fresh. Your words are exactly to the point of what I attempted to explain to my H this weekend, and I copied your post and sent it to him. I have my good days, but those bad ones sneak in all too frequently.
Stay strong!
~wadeallie

Bryanp, trust me, I have thought about getting PT for both my boys, but for what? I have raised them and I would continue to do so. They are MY sons. A PT could only hurt my relationship them...it wouldn't help it. Plus, if I showed you pictures, I don't think anyone would doubt what I say. They are my boys and they will stay with me forever.

Wadeallie, thank you for the kind words. It's nice to hear that my previous post made enough sense for you to actually gain something out of it. It's also just a blessing to know there are more people out there that have the same thoughts and feelings about these dark times and that I'm not just going nuts. I mean, I am going nuts sometimes, but at least it's not uniquely nuts.

Today is just a day...not a good day or a bad day. It's days like these that make me realize that I am the one in control of whether I have good days or bad days. I have to remind myself to stay strong (thanks to all of you here that have reminded me of that) and get above the dark thoughts and wallowing that make me not able to work or eat or sleep or show my wife that I am the best one for her.

I have a lot of work to do in me still. I have always had an image in the back of my mind that I was never good enough for her. Thoughts that I was too boring, not attractive enough, not fun enough, too poor, too lazy, whatever, have always been there for me. D-Day caused all of those ideas to become reality. Although I feel that I am a better person now than I was even 5 years ago, what is going to cause me to believe that I am the best man for her? If she runs into someone better than me, how will she be convinced to stay with me and not go after the good times?

Again, tihs all comes down to her loving me as a duty. She'll stay with me because she feels like she has to. I don't know if I'll ever think otherwise. Can a M last if I don't believe she loves me for me? Is this the way a M is supposed to work? I love her for her. These days, I feel like I even love her in spite of her. Is that what people mean when they talk about a more mature love?

Honestly, I don't feel the same way for her as I used to. She used to brighten up my day just by walking in the same room as me. She used to melt my heart just by smiling at me or brushing up against my shoulder as she walked by. I pray that those feelings will return...and soon. I still have uneasy feelings when I come home and she is there sitting on the couch. I used to love coming home to her. Now, it's just so uncomfortable. We are having good times right now and having fun with each other and trying to fill our love banks as much as we can. I just know that my bank for her is not even close to full yet. Before D-Day, it overflowed.

More rambings, but it makes me feel better to have an outlet to say these things. Thanks for reading.

I get it completely. I don't know if I'll ever feel the same about my W as I did before. I think its a combination of recognizing the unpleasant reality of the A and a defense mechanism to protect against being hurt again.

Things for me improved quite a bit in the first several months of recovery, but lately seem to have stalled as far as my feelings go. The pain is not as intense, not as constant, but I do find myself thinking about the A more than I think I should or want to. Its nothing my W is doing or not doing, at least not that I can pinpoint, so I figure its just part of the deal.

Others that have gone before us say that in time these feelings fade. I try to remember that the recovery timeline is measured in years, not months, and just keep plugging along.

Balin: I understand completely!
I have described the love I have had the past years for my H, as a comfortable, mature love. No teenaged infatuation but a constant love. My heart still fluttered when he pulled into the yard each night after work, and I'd run to greet him, and I knew I could count on him to hug me when I hurt and to be here for my support. He was my best friend. Any secret I had was safe with him. He knew all of the painful moments of my childhood and was the only person I felt safe to give these secrets to hold. Now that has changed...
I don't feel like I have his heart anymore. I question why he came back. Duty? Youngest DS13 is last one home. Was this out of guilt because he knows for the past 2 years he didn't give DS the time he deserved from a dad? After I got on my knees and begged him to stay and stopped eatting because of stress and lost 20pounds, and eventually gave up on him in order to survive myself, did he call to come home out of spite of watching me grovel? Why? Why? My mind is reeling over these questions.
He claims he knows what I mean when I tell him that I don't feel I have him here now for me. If sex was the reason he had A, then why is it that when this was 'fixed' he pulls away now? He tells me "He's working on it". What does that mean? Am I a temporary situation he will stay with until something better comes along?
I try not to rock the boat, but I still hurt and altho it comes here and there, and not daily, it's still lurking.
One thing I have learned is to face your feelings head on. If you put them aside to please your spouse..they do come sneaking in and can be a set back. I didn't deal with my anger and hurt of knowing H was having sex with OW, and to fix our M I jumped back into a full sexlife, but that pain has reared it's ugly head and now over 100 days into recovery, I have to face it. If this M means as much to H as he says..he needs to be patient with ME now!
Stay strong Balin. I have found that venting and getting support here, definitely is a healing aid. If I had not been able to post questions or get advice from these wonderful people, my family would be enrolling me in the local mental facility. As I have said before on another posting...friends are great, but in reality they have no idea what you are going thru and after a while, you are depressing to be around. They stop phoning because they don't want to hear it anymore. They ask 'why can't you just move on?' And for family. If you're lucky enough to have family close, their advice is usually to throw in the towel and move on. The people on this board "KNOW" what you are feeling and they are devoting the time to help you thru the steps of recovery out of this knowledge and the goodness in their hearts. If you question whether your W cares for you....just know that we do!!

wadeallie,

You are correct in that everyone here is so helpful and will listen. Here comes a time when I just have to get some questions out there and find out what I need to do. I have not yet approached FWW about these, but I have to by the end of this week. So, are there any ideas about these?

1. My high school girls' soccer team just had their seaosn come to an end with a loss in the regional playoffs. I was an assistant coach before we were married and then head coach for 5 years during our marriage (and all through the A). Once I found out that our first son was due on the first day of practice, I resigned and had my assistant switch places with me. I've been an assistant coach ever since so that I can spend more time with my family.

Being a coach makes me have 12 hour workdays and then we play 17-22 games each year, extending workdays from 7a - 11p some nights. I absolutely love coaching the team and it has been a part of my life for 12 years now. My reduced role with the team has me feeling less attached now, but I'm not as insanely stressed as I was when I was a head coach.

Do I stay on for another year? This year has been tough as FWW has had family members stay with her during my road games and has even driven to a few of them. She never came to my games during the A (now I know why) stating that she hated sitting next to parents badmouthing my decisions.

I feel as though, if I gave it up, I would always have that feeling of resentment that I gave it up only because of her A. After all, that would be the truth. I know I would also love to have all the extra time each spring to spend with my family.

2. I do a ton of "extra duty" at my high school in the fall and winter. I am the announcer at our boys' soccer games, and I run scoreboards and help run volleyball, cross-country, and wrestling tournaments. This has me working about 120 hours in the evenings and some Saturdays from Sept - Jan.

Bottom line...we don't have any extra money right now. Quitting coaching and extra duty will cause us to cut back on the few things we currently have. We are a single-income family and that one income is as a public school teacher. But, I would get to spend more time with her and my boys, which is incredibly important.

I need to make these decisions in the next week, but I'm not sure what to ask my FWW for. Do I give everything up and be stretched for money every month, or do I continue to work and provide for the little things for my family?

I don't want to leave my soccer team and regret the decision for the rest of my life.

If all you did was coach soccer and gave up all the other extra work you would gain a lot more free time. Still coaching soccer would only involve the fall and still earn some extra money.

Good compromise.

FWW says that coaching next year is my decision and she will stick by whatever I choose. She hates being left alone for 3 months and has always complained about it. But, she also knows that I like my job and that I would miss it.

I do not understand the "signals" that women send. (Obviously that's true. Otherwise, I probably would have never ended up here.) If she really wanted me to quit my coaching job, would she tell me?

If we were financially secure, I would not mind giving up the extra duty. But, dropping the coaching would be dropping 10% of my salary. And since we live on a month-by-month basis right now with money, I don't think we could afford it without another income.

Plus, I'm in the unfortunate position of trying to move into school administration. Dropping hours and not showing that I am willing to work when needed is not going to impress anyone.

Again, she says to do what I think is right. What does that mean??? Is this some sort of test?