Hello All-

Just found out about two days ago that OW is 6 months pregnant with my WH's baby. I know it was a sign from God, I saw her with my own eyes and stopped her so that we could settle some things. I didn't make a big scene, I'm not going to fight for someone that has lied to me and continues to do so. She was trying to run away from me, but we ended up talking. What I don't get through my head, is why he keeps on calling me every day and tellign me how much he loves me? He wants to get back together as a family with our DS. It's been a year ago since he left me for the OW and I've moved on with my life! Obviously he has done the same, why can't he just move on with her? I don't bother them at all and the only times I do call him is to inform him stuff about our DS. It was really a low blow when I found out about the pregnancy but I was expecting it. He doesn't seem bothered by the new baby, but instead is wanting for us to go on vacations and go back to being a family. Why all this feelings all of a sudden? Shouldn't he be worrying about his Newborn soon to come? Why didn't the OW every throw that in my face that she was expecting a baby? Was she embarrased? Apparently not! Someone out there who has gone through the same experience, please help!

I haven't gone through the same thing but quite possibly the OW is LB'ing your WH and he now sees the reality of what he's done and just how much he messed up.

You may find more folks who have been in your situation one Pregnancy forum.

bumping up for more replies

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Hi Calibabeus,


I haven't walked in your shoes either, but my first thought when I read this is that maybe the baby isn't his? Maybe he suspects that? Afterall, a cheater always suspects that someone's cheating on him. Maybe OW was cheating. In a relationship like that, it's been known to happen. It's not exactly based on trust.

What about you? What do you want?

Are you guys divorced, in the process, what? Are you in Plan A or Plan B? Sounds like you should be in Plan B either way if you're not-- remove yourself from his drama. Give yourself time to heal. Take away YOU from the situation. Sounds like WH may be a bit of cakeeater if given the chance.

I used to get very excited when he used to come over...I would pay lots of attention to him when he would be cakeating, not anymore. I know that everything he says is a bunch of lies. I don't fall into any of his stuff anymore. What just gets to me is all the bothering he does. He has had over a year to win his family back but has done nothing, instead got the OW pregnant. Wow, he really was working hard!
I really want PEACE! He just keeps on throwing it in my face that all this was caused because of me. Even with the coming of a new baby, he still wants me back???????????????????????????? I have stopped providing stuff for him a long time ago and I just found out she is starting to provide stuff for him now. She just bought him a cell phone with service.

What?! YOU made him get the OW pregnant? Wow, what extraordinary powers you have!
Seriously, how does he figure this has anything to do with you?

I've had it...I just need PEACE and time to HEAL but on my own. I know that I will have a connection with this person because of our DS, but I don't want our conversations to go past that. I know many of you have already gone through this, please tell me if I'm thinking wrong...I don't want to fight with this person anymore, especially as our DS gets older he is going to see it all. I want to have conversations with this person regarding how our DS is doing in school, sports, etc. Is that even possible? Will my WH stop coming around looking for my DS once his other child is born? So many questions, so little answers....If anyone has gone through similar situation and can give some words of advise and encouragement, it would be greatly aappreciated.

Calibabe=)

I believe that your WH might be running from responsibility. First, you and your DS was the responsibility- now a second, new family is the big crush.

Hello reality??? when did YOU get here?

His wanting you back may just be a gut reaction to try to "back up" his life and stupid descisions- unrealistic, and immature-- but I say that is too bad for him- this does not sound healthy for you.
Are you still married to him?

If you are over him, why do you let him go on about reconsiliation? I admire that you are big enough to let him be part of your son's life without anger or "games". -I'd still be hopping mad.

I kind of feel sorry for the OW (well really her situation with a child)-- She has no idea what a world of hurt she is getting herself into- I mean- this is PATHETIC! You seem to be, at least, getting OVER the pain, and on your way to a better life.

Keep up your best thoughts

Thanks for the response....

I pick myself up from day to day, but it is really hard. I wish all this would be over with. I have come to realize that my marriage has ended and that I fell out of love for this person, all I wish for is to have him respect me and give me my space that I need to heal. Everytime he sees me, he starts telling me what a bad wife I was, that is the reason why he left me and what a bad mother I am as well. I just wish he could just keep his comments to himself. I've already told him that I don't want to continue fighting but apparently he enjoys every single moment of it all.....I have not given him any reason for him to talk bad about me but if he continues I will definetely give him one! JK! Will WH leave me and our DS alone once the other child is born? He says he doesn't want nothing to do with the other child, but I doubt that since he continues to be get OW to buy him stuff. My WH's life is all messed up right now and he doesn't seem to bother about it, much less want to solve his problems! Pray for me cause I need to be strong for my DS, it's not his fault that his parents are going crazy from an affair.

Obviously your WH has never grown up. He is certainly not acting like a grownup. Don't let it bother you that he is blame shifting. This is typical and is much like the emotional setup of a teenager. And I don't feel sorry for the OW. She made her bed, so to speak.

Be strong for your kid and just laugh at the insults. They are meaningless because they are not based on reality but instead, the delusional rantings of a complete jerk. I suspect you will make a better choices in the future when evaluating possible male companionship.

Larry

He wants to continue to be around me, says he has "hope" of getting our M back on track. We are already in the final stages of getting our D finalized and he still thinks about that? Maybe if he were to be doing things to win his family back, I would actually think about it. However, he doesn't even bother to give me a bed to sleep on (he has two bedrooms sets, both of which I bought) and he has me sleeping on the floor in my new apartment. This is certainly not the man I married! Will he ever go back to being the same normal person I met and married? right now, it seems as if he doesn't care about anything. He has another son on the way and doesn't bother about getting a full time job! the OW is giving him and buying everything he wants.....is that her way of trying to keep him by her side? i was thinking about it last night, life is so unfair! I suffered so much for this person, and look at him...He has moved on with OW and even expecting another child. I've realized that my wounds are still not healed completely!! I don't know I they will ever be healed. Maybe one day when I see the sincerety in his eyes...(Which I doubt that will ever happen in a million years). The OW's pregnancy brought me down AGAIN! I was doing great, until a couple of days ago. Any words of advice is greatly appreciated! THANKSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

As the days pass by, I'm getting my strength back. A "D" is not something that anyone wants to go through, but sometimes it's just for the best. We have our final court date for divorce scheduled within a month. He has stopped making all payments to house and his own car, I guess he doesn't care about anything anymore. He continues to tell me to get over it and give him another chance. Oh my, it's so easy to say because he didn't suffer the infidelity. Why is it so easy for them to just say it like that as if it were something so easy? I look back at how much I suffered and it definetely is not worth looking back. I hope that if he really is in love with OW, then he should make there relationship official. The new baby is expected by August, so I know I will definetely see a change in his behavior with our DS by then. I ONLY WISH THAT HE DOESN'T EVER LOSE THE RELATIONSHIP HE HAS WITH OUR DS-BUT I KNOW IT WILL CHANGE BECAUSE HE WON'T BE THE ONLY ONE ANYMORE. It really hurts me because my DS and his father are so close, they dress identical, eat the same things, and it will eventually start to drift away. Will it? any one has gone through similar situation??

cali,

Sorry you had to see the OW pregnant. Do you see the pattern there? With you..you have his DS...calling OW. Now with OW...she's pregnant with his child...calling YOU.

You are probably heading off continued heartache by following through with the D. I wonder if you can find someone with a similar story in the Divorced or Pregnancy threads.

So sorry again for your pain.

Good luck!

(((HUGS)))) I'm so sorry for your pain. It is much more than I had to bear. I also lost any and all love of WstbXH, though OW is not pregnant (yet). My D-day happened around the same time as yours. But I have been able to take great strides towards personal recovery by applying MB principles to myself.

I am in a modified Plan B. I wrote no letter as there are no circumstances in which I would take him back. But I have virtually no contact with him and absolutely none that I initiate. It has been interesting to observe his behavior follow exactly the WS script. He also went through phases when he would call all the time - practically stalking me - even though he claimed he was "happy" with OW. I started this last fall and it has gradually improved. It has allowed me to move on with myself and my own life.

THere is one other major difference between your sitch and mine. My DS is 20 years old so there was no issue of custody. However, he did get married himself in April and I had to pose for photos next to WstbxH. OW was not invited to the wedding but her DD who is living in the love shack with them did. I brought a date (friend of family).

There are ways to manage custody and visitation with no contact. Many on this board have done it as part of their Plan B. Get a mediator. Change your phone number, get an unlisted number and/or screen your calls. Just because you aren't trying to recover your M, Plan B can help you recover yourself. Your WH is like a parasitic cancer that eats away at you. You need to cut him out of your life if you are to heal. You have the power to do this - don't give it away. And if you change your mind (about recovery), you will still have applied the MB principles. It's win-win for you, even if it doesn't seem that way right now.

I have not ever been in your situation and can only imagine how hard it must be. The only other thought I had concerning your WH's behavior is that he may be putting pressure on you to "get over it" in an effort to stop the divorce. Like you said, he hasn't made a serious attempt to do anything to try to mend your relationship, but it could very well be that he fears once your divorce is final the OW will start putting pressure on him to marry her. Right now you are his excuse for everything... from the reason he had an affair to the reason he can't marry the woman he has gotten pregnant. I can understand why you are ready to move on and stop being his scapegoat.

The D and the A were very difficult at the beginning, but they are starting to fade away. I don't want to argue with him or hate him---I'm doing this because of our DS. I've read over and over that we need to be civilized between us. I hear the same words coming out of his mouth time after time, I guess it's a nonstop thing. He was never willing to leave his job, never willing to change for me or his DS...so I fully have it set in my mind that words mean NOTHING TO ME! Marriage Builders has really helped me and to those out there that are going through a similar situation (there is always a light at the end of the tunnel). No matter how hard the situation may be, life will get better!

Amen!!!

I second that emotion!!!

Charlotte

*raises her hand*

Hey, you wanted someone who is going through the same thing..
I mean, my WS has been gone for a year. OW is pregnant.
We somehow haven't done divorce papers yet.. but our situation is pretty alike, I think.

Oh, but OW threw the pregnancy thing in my face. OW = diabolical evil.

Well, I may not be able to offer advice, but we can commiserate together?

I just found out by my WH that OW already had the child. Why he told me, I don't know. He even asks me if he could use our WS's stuff for his new child. Why does he even throw that information in my face? It's as if I'm going to find out about it?? He stayed with all of our WS's stuff. The pain is BIG! PRETTY BIG I must say! I just pray to God that he help me get past this...I've already gone through so much, this should just be the end to it all. Why doesn't WS leave me alone? He already has a new family? I don't bother him at ALL! Why does he continue playing with both of us? She gets him all kinds of gifts-he should stay with her until he drenches every last cent like he did to me....any advise would be greatly appreciated on how I can make him understand that I'm not willing to give him another chance (i've never given him any hints that I would want to go back with him). He tries to hug and kiss me---(how can he right now that his new baby has already been born and is one week old? Is he not out of the fog yet? He says he regrets everything that he did, but never made an attempt to get his family back. calls-e-mails-won't make it!

tell him
speak the words...

if were not for OUR child I would never ever speak to you again...

because there would be no reason to..

I will not give you anything of mine to give to your OP
I do not want you to touch me in any way..
no hugs
no kisses
none
I want none of that...

can you go to email contact over child issues
and get an intermediary for visitation...

can you do a limeted plan B with face to face with him for you just to get some space and healing time under your belt..
not to get him spend time with you..
but just for you...

how is he contacting you..

and what can you do to make all contact about your child only...

can you set up a hotmail account only for you and him with only child stuff....

think of what you can do to empower this on your side of the street....

how often is he seeing you and contacting you..

ark