My husband and I have been together for 15 years. I love him more than anything. We have a 12 year old daughter - she is wonderful. Recently, my husband's best friend was killed in Afghanistan (January). He's been in turmoil since our friend was killed. He's not himself. He's trying to deal with everything on the inside. Now, this weekend, he told me that he loves me, but he's not in love with me. He told me that he doesn't know what that means. He said that he doesn't know what to do. I asked him if he wanted me to leave and he said he did not know. He is not sure about anything right now. I think that this is part of the turmoil he is going through. We have started talking about this - and last night had a productive conversation. I'm terrified that he will end our marriage and then realize he made a huge mistake. I told him - for the sake of our daughter - that if he is not 100% sure, then we need to work on it. He said he'll always take care of us and that he just does not know what to do. He said that we could work on it. But, I don't know what to do. I need advice. I'm thinking that the first step should be open, honest communication - trying to get him to open up and share. What else can I try? Please, if you pray, say a prayer for me and my husband. I love him and don't want to lose him.

Thanks...

Andi

sorry to hear about the loss. has it taken a huge toll on him? do you think he is depressed cause that could play a part in what he said to you.have you been supportive?all of these are key elements.and he is communicating with you and that is a big step in the right direction.

I'm pretty sure he is depressed. I support him 100%. Although, he's been trying to deal with this on his own. He told me that he doesn't want me to see him as weak. I told him that I would never think that of him - it is good to share his feelings. This weekend, we started talking. Basically - I'm just letting him talk because I feel that he just needs to get a lot out. On top of the depression over losing our friend, he's also overwhelmed with work. He is in the Army and they currently have him working in an understaffed office doing a job that is not what he's trained for. He said that failure is not an option and that it's difficult being him because everyone comes to him for everything. So, I think it's a good thing that he started talking about these things...I'm just scared and need a little reassurance that it's not the end of the world. And...what are some things that you might recommend we start doing to help open the lines of communication?

Thanks...

That particular speech is an almost sure sign he is having an affair. You obviously suspect he's having an affair as you posted in an infidelity forum.

Have you identified the possible OW yet?

Andi, this "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech is "course number 1" in the Wayward Spouse manual of justifying an immoral and self-centered action....adultery.

I personally think you are facing two primary possibilites here:

1. Your husband IS in an affair (Emotional and/or Physical) and this is the usual "opening shot" to get you to divorce him and "let him have an Other Woman.

What you need to do is some detective work and find out if there IS or IS NOT any other woman that he "turns to" for anything. IF there is, then there IS an affair. If not, then perhaps what you are facing is the second possibility;

2. He, because of the "untimely death" of his friend, has come face to face with the brevity of life, of the fact that we ARE mortal and we will die. He may be using that as an "excuse" to focus on HIMSELF, to give him an excuse to only be "responsible" for himself. But the military IS an "external force" that "imposes" ITS standards on him and threatens him with "consequences" if he doesn't "do things their way." YOU don't have that sort of authority, so he can "gain some apparent control over his brief, mortal life by 'setting adrift' his responsibilities to you and your child." Perhaps he doesn't want the "added responsibility" of being a husband and father. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps....

He is running, Andi, and you need to determine what he might be running FROM or TO.

God bless.

NOTE: I did not realize that I had posted this in the infidelity forum. I saw that after I had posted this. I do not think AT ALL that my husband is having an affair. I just think that he is reevaluating life in light of our friend's death. It's a scary place to be in our relationship and I'm just looking for words of advice from anyone who has been down this road.

I appreciate all of your help.

Andi

While "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" is a classic WS statement, it could be that he is grieving the loss of his friend and under a lot of stress at work.

I suggest you amp up the time you spend together. Make sure it is 15 hours a week doing fun things together, without your wonderful daughter. It might be that renewing couple time will comfort him and strengthen the marriage.

I wouldn't offer to leave, and I wouldn't discuss divorce.

And it could also be that the loss of a friend, while upsetting, could be used an outlet for expressing emotion tied to infidelity, without raising your suspicion.

The "ILYBINILWY" speech, in my opinion, is an almost sure sign of some form of infidelity.

What type of spouse gives that speech because a friend dies? My father died...I didn't give the speech.

Even if it had been one of his parents or a sibling, the speech would still be incredibly inappropriate. He should be turning to you for support, not pushing you away.

The bottom line is this:

While tragic, sad, etc., it was just a friend in Afghanistan. Not exactly a complete surprise that he met his end there. It was also nearly 6 months ago at this point. He should get over it and treat his family with half the respect he has for a 6-month-old corpse.



Honestly, I think the friend's death is incidental. You'd be wise to do everything you can to rule out infidelity immediately.

K71,

You might be Krazy, but you aren't crazy...

My father died.

My mother died.

My wife made neither trip to neither funeral with me.

Yep, I was hurt by that.

I never told her ILYBINILWY.

Considering that the I love you but... line is so common to someone involved in an affair, the possibility needs to be ruled out in order to attempt fixing anything else.

Especially if the line occurs with any of the following:
*I'm just not happy
*I haven't been happy for ____ months/years
*I've never been really happy with you
*We got married for the wrong reasons
*We got married too young/too soon/at the wrong time

Andi,

You simply have to know if an affair is involved because if it is and you do not fight the affair, nothing good can come from this in the long term. If there is an affair, the problem IS the affair. And if there is no affair, then other things might need to be addressed, but fixing other problems while an affair is ongoing will not lead to lasting happiness and marital bliss for either of you.

Almost all of the things I stated above were things almost every BS has heard at one point or another. In an effort to make things better and remove the complaints of the WS, the BS jumps through hoops that don't really exist, changes themselves, often through total make-over and reinvention of their entire life, even changing jobs or moving across the country or across the world to take away the reason for the WS's unhappiness.

The problem is that if there is an affair and the affair is not addressed first as the real problem, nothing the BS does will lead to happiness of either for very long. It becomes very dangerous in that a move, a new job, a change in BS behavior might at first seem to be doing some good. But eventually, the affair escalates and then the BS is right back where they began, except that they might be many miles from any kind of support, have lost friends, be financially vulnerable and a whole host of other things that did not have to happen.

I say, "Find out the truth."

If my leg hurts, I can have it cut off and the leg itself won't hurt any more, but if the problem is that a dog is chewing on my leg, removing the dog would be a better solution, would allow my leg to heal and would let me keep my leg for the future.

Drastic analogy, but fixing his depression over a lost friend will not fix the marriage if there is an affair. Until you know there is not, you can't be certain it is just a lost friend that is the trouble.

And a crisis, shared even casually with a member of the opposite sex is how many an affair has begun. Once the road has been started down, the WS easily attributes any and all woes to the BS and the walls go up almost at once. It isn't a decision to have an affair that happens, but a decision to let someone else too close, followed by another to let them closer and then closer still until the affair seems like it is kismet and nothing can prevent it.

If there is no affair and you begin to implement MB methods in order to improve your marriage, your marriage will improve.

If there is an affair and you implement MB methods in an attempt to improve your marriage, you stand a better chance of saving your marriage than if you don't. Until you KNOW for certain there is no affair, act as if there is while trying to find the truth. By that I mean, identify your H's ENs and begin doing all you can to meet them and find those things you do that are love busters and get rid of them as well. Spend as much time together having fun and doing recreational things as possible and basically try to fill his love bank to overflowing. If there is no affair, things will get better . If there is an affair, it will slow the affair down a bit until you can find it. Even if there is one, the things I suggest are part of what you will do to try to end it.

Mark

Mark,

Thanks for that. My husband and I started talking this weekend after he told me the whole "I love you, but..." I really don't think that there is an affair. Although, he was getting emotional support from other women (the widow and a friend of hers) at the beginning. I think that this is why our communication was blocked. I was busy taking care of all of the details of the funeral, the kids, the mourners, etc. and I think that he might have felt alone. We addressed that a few weeks ago. We talked about that possibility and he told me that was not the case. I may be an idealist - but, I really think that our friend's death has just turned his life helter skelter and he's at a point where he will deny himself happiness in life because his friend died and left a widow and a beautiful 4 year old little girl. I think he's having a tough time with that guilt and, instead of turning to me for comfort, he shut down and is trying to fix everything on his own. I asked him a few weeks ago why he had trouble coming to me and he said that he did not want me to see him as weak. I represent the happy home - mother to our child, etc. He is a fixer and I think that, in his mind, if he shares his problems/worries/fears with me that I will feel obligated to "fix" them. Oh how nice it would be for him to realize that just talking about the issues bothering him would help "fix" a lot. It's a scary place to be - but, I love my husband and will do whatever it takes to help him find his way out of the darkness. I just need support because it can be overwhelming at times.

Thank you guys for taking the time to write back...

Andi

Ding ding ding ding...... Red Flag........ Danger...........

Do you have the slightest clue how dangerous this is?

I don't believe I have ever heard someone get that speech and there is no affair involved.

Andi, I went thru something similar a while ago. See my post below:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubb...in=150353&Number=2051856#Post2051856

Although my hubby did not give me the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" speech, I did face my own sort of drama. My husband lost his best friend in a motorcycle accident. My husband and his best friend did EVERYTHING together. They were in the same Reserve National Guard unit, my husband was a Deputy Sheriff for the County we live in and his best friend was a Police Officer for the City he lived in. They both developed an interest in motorcycles at the same time. In fact, the motorcycle that his best friend died on used to belong to my husband.

When his best friend died, it hit my husband really hard. The widow tried to be there for my husband emotionally but I recognized that it was my responsibility to be there for him. I did not know how to respond at first because I had never seen my husband like this. He was always a rock for me (thru the death of my biological dad, the death of my grandmother, the death of my foster father).

I realized that I had to be there for my husband like he has been for me. I let him cry on my shoulder. We cried, laughed, and talked about the good times he had with his best friend. I cried with my husband, I held him...

I don't care if it has been 6 months or 6 years since your husband's best friend passed away, the pain is still the same. He is still dealing with his emotions surrounding the friends death. Help him deal with his emotions regarding the friends death and you may see an improvement in your relationship. Has your husband cried about his friends death?

You are dealing with two different issues. Your husband is trying to reconcile his feelings about his friends death. His friend's death has cause him to recognize his own mortality and is trying to make sense of his own life. He wants to make sure that he gets his life right.

I encourage you to read and apply the marriage builders principles to help him recognize that he got his life right when he married you. The key is talking, talking, laughing, and talking some more. Talk about the best friends death and how it affected your husband. Talk about what your husband's future goals are...Trust me, he has been thinking about it. Talk about how you and he can work together to accomplish your goals.

I don't know if he is in contact with the widow but keep an eye on that situation also. An emotional attachment can quickly become a physical affair.


About me: Married for 12 years. Hubby just got home from deployment to the Mideast!! There is no stress from post deployment, only pure JOY!!

Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. It really provides insight to what I'm going through. I guess this is just so hard because it is just so scary. I love my husband and don't want to lose him. This is foreign territory for me and I don't know which way to turn. I feel like everything is upside down. I know that right now I just need to be patient. I need to listen. I just want to make sure that I'm not TOO patient. You know? Where's that magic switch that will make everything ok? I could really use it about now.

Andi

Andigirl,

Not to be a broken record, but have you done anything to rule out infidelity?

Another poster said he'd never heard of anyone receiving that speech without an affair being involved. Even though you doubt it's happening, you'd be wise to verify that. Simply asking him and observing his reaction will tell you nothing, no matter how well you think you know him.

Actually, EVERY married person on Earth should check up on their spouse every now and then, even if there is no evidence or history of cheating.

Krazy71...

You're not being a broken record. He did cheat on me back in 2001. But, we got over that. Or...so I thought. He and I talked after he gave me the ILYBINILWY speech and he told me that he's had opportunity to cheat but that he would not do that to me *again*. I don't know what to do. I'm so scared. We have been happy these past few years and now - after we moved back to Italy and then his friend died, it's like he's having a mid-life crisis and I am taking the brunt of all of it. He won't talk about anything - he's always been one to keep it inside. And...it's not like I can just get up and go anywhere for him to realize that he's taking his family for granted - we're overseas. So...that's hard too. I don't have any friends here that I can talk to because they just don't understand and the only friend that I could have talked to is the one who lost her husband. Pretty crappy situation, huh? He did go out with a friend of his who's home on R&R from Afghanistan...naturally to a strip bar...then, this morning, I saw that he had a text message on his phone from another girl wishing him well this week at work. I don't want to do anything irrational. I don't want to put our daughter through any hardship at all if it can be avoided. She just thinks her dad is having a hard time dealing with the death of his friend. Well, the widow and her child (both friends of mine) are leaving this August. I hope that their departure will help take the pressure/guilt off of my husband so he can focus on our family. It's like he's obligated to put everyone else first and his own family last. Although, if you were to ask him, he'd say that his family will always be taken care of. I don't know if he's acting this way because he knows that I won't leave or if he is just being selfish. I just want to go to sleep and wake up when all this [censored] is over.

Andi

Andigirl,

That text message should be a huge smoking gun for you. One text message is all it took for me to realize that me life had been changed forever.

Are you actively in Plan A and continuing to dig for the truth? Don't bother asking him about it now, just find out the info on your own.

I'm looking in to the text message. Trying to find out what the deal is behind this. My husband and I had a heart to heart after he told me the ILYBINILWY. He said that he would be honest with me. He said that he is loyal. He is out of town right now (with his job - he's in the Army and is with a lot of people in a foreign country...so, it's not like he's making up a trip) He'll be back this weekend. I don't think that asking him about this over the phone is a good thing. So...any suggestions? Maybe I am naive. I don't think he's having sex with anyone else. I think that for some reason - he finds it easier to talk to other women about problems or issues in his life. Why, I don't know. He did tell me that he does not want to talk about his grief over the loss of his friend because he does not want me to see him as weak. But, talking to other women is dangerous and not fair to me. Has anyone gone through this? Can you offer any advice on how to talk to him without fighting or being accusatory and keeping the conversation flowing? If he feels like he's being attacked - he will shut down and not talk. I don't think that is productive either. Please help!

Thanks!

Andi

Well, for him to receive a text message, you have to assume that he gave this other "girl" his phone number. Why?

I would definately do some quiet snooping. Don't let him know you're snooping, just do it so you can figure out where you stand.


I call BS. He should NOT be talking to other women about problems or issues in his life. This is how emotional attachments form. This is VERY dangerous behavior for a married person.

I agree with you about the phone number. He had gone out that night to a strip club with his friend who is in from Afghanistan for a few weeks. That, in itself, is not so disturbing as the guys around here go to those bars just to "hang out." But, my sister said that this girl is probably a stripper from the club who may or may not have put her number in his phone. Or...throughout the course of the the night they may or may not have exchanged numbers. Either way - it's not right. But, she said that I should consider the source. He was there that night with his buddy. He came home that night and left in the morning for France. So - it's not like this is some kind of relationship that has been going on or even might go on. My plan is to check his phone when he gets home and see if that number is still there and if there are any messages coming and going. My husband and I have been talking everyday this week on the phone - even flirting through text messages. I think that I should watch how things are (closely) when he gets home before accusing him and destroying the positive connection we've had this week. Also of note - he does not go out usually. He goes to work and comes home. This was just because his buddy came in and they wanted to go out alone and have "guy time."

Man...why does life have to be so frustrating sometimes? I wish I could just kick him in the a** and make him come back to reality. If anyone out there prays, please say a prayer for us. I know we can make it.

Andi

Andi,

At first I was giving your H the benefit of the doubt? Now? Not so much.

I believe he's using his friend's passing to gaslight you. He acts abnormal and calls it "mourning".

Going to strip clubs while married is wrong.

Getting emotional support from other women while married is wrong or having communications with other women that your W doesn't know about is wrong.

A part of me still gives him the benefit of the doubt, but red flags are everywhere.

I'm a veteran. I came home to "I want a divorce".

Much more happened after that and there was infidelity on her part while I was gone.

There are many red flags in your case:

1. ILYBINLWY
2. Texts from OW
3. Strip clubs
4. "Guy time"

Guy time and time out with bars for a friend of mine turned out to be time with OW when she did some snooping.

Snooping is in order. Get into his email somehow. Look at the phone records.

Collect info and come back here for advice. Don't reveal ANYTHING to your H about what you find and come here first. Revealing things could simply make it harder for you to find stuff later.