The divorce case was dismissed on May 13. I don't know when they broke up but it had to be recently.

As I look back on all the drama that happened...it's like "WS now was she worth all that?"

I have been in a very dark plan B for almost 6 months now. I have NO idea what will happen now. But when people tell you that affairs end...they do!

My WH had that affair for a little over 1 year...and he did some very mean things....BUT I have to keep MATTHEW 5:44 in mind or else my bitterness and anger will block the blessings God has for me and my children.

During our separation, I've experienced extreme emotional highs and lows, questioning and rationalizing everything and anything...at the same time working at a new job that pays well and going to school at night 4 nights a week while taking care of 2 very young children, 3 years old and a 10 month old.

I just wanted to share and despite what each person's situation is...just have to say seek God, pray and fast, and just be still.

How do you know they broke up?

I just have to say, AGAIN, that affairs almost always end. Someone here said I was getting carpal tunnel disease typing this over and over.

My ex didn't defog for 7 months after the affair ended. But his affair lasted 3 and a half years, so it may have taken longer than normal.

Hi Believer,

got the news from a family member and some info on OW's online profile.

Yes, the judge dismissed the case and we are still legally married...........as for what is going to happen now. I DO NOT KNOW. I honestly don't.

A while back I made my list of boundaries for WH to follow if that day ever comes when he will want to rebuild a marriage God's way and if he repents...

And I also thought of a lot of things that he has done before the affair (when they were "talking") and during the affair. Made me lose respect! Maybe he'll try to find us once those child support papers are served to him.

Oh no, you are right about affairs almost always ending. Some end faster than others, some don't. But they end.

And I was just about to post on an OW forum...but after I started reading some of the posts it disgusted me so much that I decided not to.

wow, i am seeing a theme this week..

lots of affairs ending!

too bad it is the ones where the bs's are pretty much done with the ws.

mlhb

Hey mlhb,

actually it's a little sad...b/c I've prayed for my WH to turn to God and for the affair to end....

ok, it has ended but has WH turned to God. That I don't know and I probably won't know for a while.

WH chose to abandon me and our 2 children for her. WH has a lot of issues he needs to deal with and only he himself and God can help.

But when I look back at the talking and texting OW and the STUPID, IMMATURE things my WH has done, I can definitely say it wasn't worth it.

He cannot treat me the way he used to...I have my list of boundaries typed up and ready to hand to him if that day ever happens.

I haven't known what to say about the running THEME this week. It's strange how so many WS's affairs are ending. Is there something being released into the atmosphere?

Anyway, it's tragic that the affairs happen at all, but then you lump on top of that how terrible the BS is treated, how LONG it takes for the WS's to extract their heads from those nether parts, all the losses, to include innocence of spouses and children, financial hits. There have been days when I felt like getting hit by a bus would be a BETTER alternative to what I was living. Bad all round.


THEN, after defogging, some WS's come back, writing letters of apology, asking if the door is still open, but STILL not spending ONE MINUTE to begin fixing themselves FIRST. What a crock! BAsically, they STILL want someone else to fix it, make it all better, to give them a reason to stay. What maroons.

They have no idea how much further hurt they add by writing letters they never intend to back up. They want the easy road.

Exactly silentlucidity...

I feel my WH would have to fix himself first or show me that he is honestly doing what it takes to fix himself.

So sad...all that drama he and OW caused for nothing.
And yes, I know I am responsible for my part...but what was that? Not spending time with him? (b/c he was spending time with OW)

Not fulfilling his sexual needs? (b/c he was giving it to someone else)

Not paying that much attention to him? (b/c I had our toddler to also worry about and I was pregnant at the time, too!)

Not being there for him? (b/c when I would ask him to be w/us he'd rather be somewhere else?)

I have this eerie feeling that I will be hearing from him soon. Not my soon, but God's soon.

Question is right now...will I be willing?

Don't forget that the WS has to go through WITHDRAWAL before the FOGGINESS disappears..

My H was not NORMAL for a full year..

It seems like after a YEAR it all CLICKED..he began to see the OW for who she was..the AFFAIR for what it was...

But it took a FULL YEAR...

There was STEADY but SLOW progress...

But he was HIGHLY ADDICTED to the AFFAIR...and what she gave off..

I'm saying..Don't have OVERLY HIGH EXPECTATIONS of a WS who makes a REAL attempt at RECOVERY...

We couldn't be HAPPIER..my FWH has REALLY CHANGED and he is a NEW PERSON...

And BEST OF ALL..He is definitely "IN LOVE" with ME again...

But it took TIME and PATIENCE..and lots of WORK on both of our parts...

As long as it's "God's soon", then I would be willing, because that implies your WH internalizing what's his responsibility, and taking it upon himself to FIX those problems. HIS PROBLEMS. That would imply that his value system puts his family, AND marriage above all else, including his own struggle to gain back the love and respect of his family.

If it's in WH's soon, then I wouldn't step one foot toward him. A WH will only be interested in lessening his own pain, even if that furthers the pain of his BS and family. Trust me, I've lived it.

Mimi, HOW did your WH seem when he asked to be allowed back into your life? I think this behavior can be very telling, even while being a fogged out zombie.

What was he immediately WILLING to do, no questions asked, to be allowed passage into your life? Was he ready to take responsibility for the mess he made, or did you go on blind faith that he MAY change? Did he go above and beyond, in terms of Extraordinary Precautions? How did he evidence his love for you initially?

I got lots of words, and some actions, but eventually, it all came crashing down again, in the ABSENCE of an affair. PWC was a broken man, all right, but not broken in the godly sense, broken in the opposite sense.

I think it's important that the BS's here don't go strictly on their instinct/feelings when allowing a WS to return to the home to ATTEMPT recovery. It's important that they understand what a WS who is contrite, even when fogged out and going thru withdrawal, will DO.

So 1st Love, you no longer LOVE your husband?

He will NOT be NORMAL for a long while.

Why wouldn't you want to work TOGETHER on your MARRIAGE?

On my H' LAST CONTACT as I know of, he called her, as I listened, and told her that HE LOVED ME and never wanted to talk to or see her again...as in the NO CONTACT LETTER that he had left her...

The main thing was his ADHERENCE to the EXTREME PRECAUTIONS..

But he obviously MISSED her TERRIBLY for many months..and took personal responsibility for the affair..she was still held up on a MAGICAL PEDESTAL...YUCK...that's the part I hated the most...

My H came back with feelings of LOVE for me..remember we had been married for over 25 years and had had many happy years before the affair..

BUT..when he came back, he ALSO still had feelings of ADDICTIVE LOVE for her...

Good stuff, Mimi, thanks for posting it here.

Every time you post this stuff, you help, me, as well as others. It hurts to read sometimes, because this is the type of man I THOUGHT I was getting. His actions said so, initially, but there was SOMETHING missing. It had to be the LOVE.

mimi,

yes I still love my WH very much. So much pain and grief he has caused, I did a plan A (I didn't know it was a plan A when I was doing it at the time) I probably did it longer than I should have. And I did the plan B...

I love him and yes if it's God's soon, then I will be all for it. If WH is making strides in finding life w/Jesus than yes. I have prayed and fasted for that man...not only for this "marriage" but for WH's salvation. I've learned that God cannot override His will over what my WH wants to do, but God can encourage him..God can let WH have those moments that will make him think about his family...how we are doing..maybe what we're up to..what we look like..what our children look like!

I know it will take a while to "defog"...WH may even be seeing another OW.

All I know is that I am at peace with filing my motion to dismiss. If WH was so desperate to get a divorce, then I would've thought he would make sure to get it done right the first time...not have his complaint done so "sloppy" And he had a total of 50 days to make whatever changes he wanted...but he didn't. Only WH knows why and only God knows why.

In the meantime, I have to continue to seek God even more...I have to concentrate on my children's welfare, I have to continue to work on me.

WH chose to change his number and not let me know of the new one...he should know what number to call...I have it written on all of our son's and daughter's photos I sent almost a year ago.

Mimi,

Along the lines of what SL asked, how did you know that your WH was truly ready to work on the M and totally give up OW? Did he meet all of your demands?

Sorry for the t/j, but SL got me to thinking - what a dangerous thing....

yeah I wouldn't want to go through a false recovery either. I believe that would hurt more...

The false recoveries were incredibly painful, and yes, it compounded the trauma each time, because it feels like another betrayal. It feels like a BIG LIE. I've have been stripped down to my foundation, and am rebuilding. It's not until the recent rash of posts about WS's affairs ending that I started to think of ways to spot a WS ready to do the work of recovery and not to solely appease the BS for a time and then go back to status quo or worse once they have gotten what THEY need out of the BS AGAIN.

Mine was REALLY a HORROR story..RECOVERY was MIRACULOUS...there was MORE than one FALSE RECOVERY..

This last time..he REALLY made REPARATIONS....lots of financial concessions...to make a long story short..we're living in THIS HOUSE together because of HIM...

BUT..he still ALMOST slipped again..broke NO CONTACT...

HIS ADDICTION was STRONG..STILL IS to that FEELING that the AFFAIR gave him..of being YOUNG again and more...

He broke down and declared himself "CRAZY" over her and to this day is OBSESSIVE about EXTRAORDINARY PRECAUTIONS...

I'm just so IMPRESSED by how DIFFERENT he is NOW...than when he was a WAYWARD for so many years (over 2 years)..he really was "CRAZY" and alien then..compared to how NORMAL he is now...I can really SEE the difference now but couldn't see it back THEN..

SL
That's exactly what happened to me - 2, 3 , 4 false recoveries. I guess my fault though. Before I found MB, I simply took him at his word that it was over.

At first, he apologized to me, said that he did me wrong, it would never happen again etc. He'd hold me all night long, keep telling me he loved me etc. I really thought he was remorseful. Five months later I found out that it had never ended and that she had been travelling with him. That was the first false recovery.

After that, we had a few more. When I finally found MB, I told him I wanted a NC letter, he'd agree but then not do it. Well, guess what? Yep, it never ended. After 9 months of that crap, I realized that he was going to tell me whatever I wanted to hear so that he could keep cake eating. Believe me, I would have rather had him tell me that he loved her and was leaving to be with her, then left. He never did. He just continued to lie, lie, lie and try to keep both of us. She thought we were already divorced. She got as many lies as I did. She'll have a hard time trusting him, I'm sure.

So, I don't know how to tell if they are really remorseful or not.

I'll tell you this..

Steve Harley told me with assurity that my H's affair wouldn't last...

My H counseled with him a few times...

I'm not sure why Steve was so sure about it..

Maybe there's stuff about that situation that I don't know..never will know...