Wow...

I can't believe this is happening...yet it's so predictable, I've just not wanted to admit that this could happen to my family...

I'm currently out to sea. Last night I called home and DD15 is home alone. WW and DS14 are at a friend's for a party. I have a truly wonderful conversation w/ DD while she makes herself dinner. Afterwards I call WW to talk to DS. She's been drinking...a lot. She denies it...

I talk to the host and ask that he make sure she does NOT drive home. I also ask that if she does that DS be allowed to stay the night there. I talk w/ DS and the first thing he says is that mom is drunk. I ask him to promise me that he will NOT get into a car with her and that there's a plan to get him home either with another couple or to stay the night.

An hour later, he calls me from home...pissed as h#ll. It appears the host, in his infinite wisdom, decided she was "fine" and she decides to drive home. DS takes the keys and tells her she's drunk and that she should not be driving. WW gets mad, tells him he's grounded, and drives him home.

I spend almost an hour on the phone with DS "talking him down" enough that he can be calm enough to go to sleep while a drunk WW comes into and out of his room. At one point she pukes in the other room...

I have never felt so powerless...

WW grew up w/ an alcoholic mother and her father died when she was 10. She's always been the "life of the party", and one of the things she complained about in our M was that she had "lost her sparkle"... Well, I can tell you that I finally recognize just how much of her "sparkle" has been alcohol induced.

She has railed at her mother over the years for the h#ll she put her and her brothers through because of her drinking...now she's clearly set up to do the same to our kids...and, like her, my kid's father (me) is not currently around to protect them.

I'd truly appreciate any suggestions...

Also, I now understand so clearly why Dr H says that a M can't be saved when there's an addiction present.

This explains why my Plan A was useless.

Wow, L2F, I'm so sorry to hear this. How terrifying! Our poor children, they didn't ask for this & they're in such a tough situation: do what's right or get in trouble? Be loyal or be safe? Be forced to do it anyway?

Do your kids go to Alateen? Mine do, they LOVE it. They need it and they depend on it and they look forward to it. They've got sponsors & they will NOT let me accidentally plan something else on Tuesday nights. They've been to some open meetings too so they can see they're not the only ones who got dealt this hand.

My kids know too that if alcohol is present when they're with dad they are to call me & I'll pick them up. But, I know how difficult it'd actually be to make the call when upsetting dad or getting in trouble is a very real risk.

Thanks Julie!

It IS scary, and I can guarantee my DS will NEVER let that happen again. There's been TOO much discussion about grandma's "problem" for it to be brushed under the rug...

I'll have to look into ALATEEN. We live in a small town and kids are not happy about being "outed" as being in a family w/ "problems"...a predictable teen issue, and I can't say I blame them, because I can imagine I'd be equally mortified if I were their age.

Julie, how old are your kids and how did you sell it to them to begin with?

Exactly one minute after I hit send on my above post, WW called me. She explained how she'd only had 2 drinks, blah, blah, blah. (wonder if she's checking MB...hmmmmm)

I cut her off and said that she, of all people, should know that it was wrong to put DS in that position and that she can NEVER do that again. She didn't argue. She sounded pretty rough and clearly felt sheepish.

I told her she needs to apologize to DS...a LOT. She said she already had, with an "it's done and it's over" tone...I reiterated that she has much to make up for with him.

This truly sucks. I guess I had more invested in the whole "white picket fence" family ideal than I ever imagined...probably a result of my own broken home and wanting so dearly to provide a safe place for my own family.

Having an open dialogue w/ kids is a step in the right direction...allowing them to examine, in the light of day, just what this whole alcohol thing is all about.

Tough lesson...

L2F, DD just turned 12 & DS is going on 9.


how did you sell it to them to begin with?
Ooooohh, good question. Much to their chagrin, there was no "sell" here whatsoever. I explained it to them, tested their reaction to see if they'd "agree" and they both said they don't want to go. A slight pause, and I said, "too bad, you're going."


This truly sucks. I guess I had more invested in the whole "white picket fence" family ideal than I ever imagined...probably a result of my own broken home and wanting so dearly to provide a safe place for my own family.
Yea, totally. I STILL struggle with this one, though I can always give myself (or seek out, if I'm REALLY struggling) a good dose of reality/logic though. See, my house/marriage was NOT my parents' house/marriage, and therefore we were cleared - we'd beaten the odds - broken the cycle - yay us. Well, not so much.


I'm in Plan B now almost 6 months. No OW, just the almighty bottle. H whole-heartedly disagrees & sticks to his "there's more to it" whenever he finds someone who'll listen. Well, yea, there's more to it, like I was a lazy slob & I gave the animals more attention than him & I really lack(ed) self confidence & he was the most sexually frustrated man he knew...and because of MY own upbringing, I'd always turn inward (as he pointed/his finger) wondering how I could fix this. Well, as you & I now know, we're not dealing with somebody who's ready to be fixed much less in a mature, MB-ish marriage!

One mistake I've made with my kids over the years, and H did this too, we actually prided ourselves on it, was to let our kids make their own decisions about many things. So, imagine their shock when I FORCED them to openly talk with a group of strangers about the fact that their dad is an angry drunk when he's not a wonderful supporter/companion/role model! I've done it 3 times now since the separation, making decisions for them that is, and each time it felt GREAT. Sure, they're mad at first as is a normal reaction for their age, but I truly feel that ultimately the know who's really looking out for them: MOM.

FWIW, DD/12 has just committed to be the Alateen speaker for our June meeting. I'm more nervous than she is! There will be members, family, friends & newcomers from the AA, Alanon & Alateen side, and she will speak in front of them all. How cool is that?

Julie, I really appreciate your responses...


...too true...

Reality can be a tough pill to swallow.

I, too, have learned the lesson about actually leading my kids. I've let my WW run things too much over the years due to my being gone, and didn't pay enough attention to just how far things had deteriorated.

I dragged my kids kicking and screaming to counseling, and while they were glad of the opportunity to be heard while there, they have expressed an interest in NOT going back...especially DS14. This whole thing absolulely mortifies him, and he is just hoping it'll all just go away.

Had a good conversation with him this morning and he said it was "all good". I'm getting over the fear of being portrayed as the "bad guy" for actually confronting all of these dificult issues...but then in my opinion, it's long overdue.

No ALATEEN locally, as far as I can tell from the web, but will keep searching.

I respect your struggle, Julie...it's well worth it.

Regards, L2F

L2F,
He is a kids and definitely plead for your help. Do you think he would trust a stranger ?.

Not sure what you mean Redhat...

Is the "stranger" a counselor?

I finally addressed my feelings to WW about her drinking...it was extremely hard to hit send...it felt like making a choice between ending the M and saving her life.

I'm sure she'll feel like I'm just lecturing her...just another nail in the M coffin.

we'll see...

I guess my new rule would be that your kids don't drive with her if she has had even a SIP of alcohol. You really can't leave it up to her to monitor herself. The kids shouldn't go to any party where they can't walk home, get a taxi, or have a sober person drive them.

Let your wife and your kids know that they will not be in a car with her ever again if she has had any alcohol.

Hi Learning,

How frustrating for you to be so far away and not to be able to confront the issues at home face to face. It lets the control and power we think we have, but really don't hit us in the face just a little more.

Alcoholics, have to hit their own botton. Confronting her drinking allows you to speak what you need to say, but if she is one, unless she is ready, nothing will change. This is where the addiction to the A concept really hits home.

Your kids, yes, we want to give them that perfect fence, but in reality that isn't life and in a way it's good that you are facing these problems together because it's giving them a model of how to work through problems in life without being totally on their own.

I'm just putting it out there, kids take our lead on how we feel about things. And I don't have the answer, I just am asking the question, are you embarrased by what's going on in your family and keeping it hidden a little?

The HARDEST part I have learned through any of this is to build a relationship with G-d and truly come to terms that we NEVER HAVE or HAD control over what was happening in our lives. But G-d does. The real bottom line is, there will be no M if she has no life.

I wish my WH had people around him who cared more about his life than his feelings, but he has insulating himself with people will tell him what he wants to hear or just won't say anything.

What you are doing is taking care of your kids, setting an example of how to work through some of lifes hardest challenges, and being there for them. You can't DO anything more. It's all in G-DS hands...

These are great ideas B, but you can't control whether this happens or not. The real sadness and tragedy of this, is if your wife is an alcoholic then they same rules apply with drinking that apply to A. Unless she stops completely and seeks help to keep her that way, when drinking is involved, what you want or don't want won't matter.

I'm not saying don't tell them. But you have to have plans to keep it enforced, because you can't control it.

Good Morning Queenie!

I hear it got hot again yesterday...Spring's a wild ride in the NW...

You ask some good questions.

Yes, I am embarrassed...or at least have been. That pretty much ended when I started exposure. In my opinion, that's one of the biggest obstacles to exposure...the fear of looking bad...

My kids, especially my DS, is mortified by this, and it makes it hard to discuss.


Yup, and I've told WW as much. In one letter to her I said:

You say your family “doesn’t even like you.” You couldn’t be more wrong. They LOVE you. So does mine. They may not love what you’re doing, but they love you enough to tell you that sometimes they don’t approve of the things you are doing. They are not judging you…they are loving you enough to tell you the truth!

No one is perfect, and sometimes when people tell you the truth it hurts. Being accepted isn’t nearly as important as being loved and respected. Approach your family with respect and remorse, and you might be humbled by their love.

Why does acceptance and not being judged mean so much to you? Is it really so important for you to be told that what you’re doing is OK…even when it isn’t?! I hope you realize that anyone who tells you so either doesn’t care about you, is just trying to avoid conflict or is simply lying to you!!

I re-read it now and see it's a little over the top...a little plaintive...oh well.

Yes, she has to hit bottom...with all her addictions...

Kids will NOT ride with her now...the other night I think DS was so taken by surprise that he didn't know how to respond. Now that he's seen it for what it is, it won't happen again.


Eggzackly...

I think it was Mark who said (in the Plan C thread) that you need to save the marriage to fix it, rather than the other way around...

Oh yeah, G-d graced us with the most beautiful day yesterday. I was very grateful to pass another day.

Being in the military are you used to speaking and having one respond and do as you would like?

Unfortunately, kids, addicts and all people outside the military don't do as we want. That WAS SO HARD for me to learn. All I can do it take care of myself, set my boundaries, make sure my children are as safe as possible and even then they have to make their own choices.

Totally frustrating at best for sure, but it left me feeling helpless. You are doing awesome. You are doing what you can, and yet you are moving on with your life. You are modeling what you can to your kids.

G-d is watching over them, remember he has a plan and he won't be thwarted as much as we hope we can change his mind. TRUST G-d Learning. He loves your family if you can imagine MORE than you could EVER POSSIBLY. Just be the best man he has envisioned for you and keep in tight with him. You'll be ok.

Though is SO FLIPPIN HARD....

Hey Queenie!


That made me chuckle...

One of the many popular misconceptions of the military is that it's just a matter of issuing orders...

Just as in society as a whole (because the military is a microcosm of our society), there are many different leadership techniques that are used in lieu of "I'm giving you a direct order"...which is usually a last result.

It's funny...as I counsel my sailors I have become aware of just how much it's like raising kids...leading, coaching, coaxing, modeling, etc.

I'll be back there at the end of June...just as the Seattle summer kicks off in earnest!


Thanks Queenie...I'm doing my best. It has sure helped to stop defining myself in terms of my WW's acceptance and limitations...I'm my own man, and that's helping me be a better and more effective father as well...go figure!

L2F

Yes. He was asking you for help. Mom has no concern about his well being. You worry about your M more than his safety. Your answer is bringing him to stanger to fix him. Yes, he needs therapy but he is also watching every move you make. I would not let him driven anywhere with a drunk. You could tell him to take taxi home better yet give him emergency money to pay the ride.

rh

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Simon
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