A few years ago, I lied to my husband about the amount of debt I was in before we got married. I only told him a certain amount of debt and then last year I finally told him that I still owe money from that debt. It was wrong to do, I knew that then and I know that now, but I didn't want to lose my marriage because of it. At the time I did it, I just didn't want to disappoint him and I wanted to handle it on my own since it was my debt. I was so afraid of losing his love. I was afraid to tell him because I know how money is soo important to him and I just wanted to fix it on my own. I really regret having lied to him, he has now told me that he's not in love with me anymore and that he does want a divorce but right now we can't divorce because financially we are better off living as roommates..he has told me that its not a good time to put our house on the market and wants me to have more money in the bank. We tried going to counseling about 6 times but he didn't like it... he thought it only made things worse. He has removed his wedding ring at first he told me and showed me that the ring doesn't fit and another time he told that he can't wear it because he's too angry with me. He has also taken this time to go out to bars at least 2-3 times a week because he says he needs to do things that makes him happy and he can't always be around me because it just reminds him of the lie. He told me he just wants to be able to get along as if we were friends. We have a 3 1/2 year old son. I totally accept what I did was wrong and I have apologized and promised not to do it again I really want to work through this with him. He is just soooo angry that he doesn't even want to read books or anything about it. How I can help earn his trust back? Also how can I help get thru this?

He has a right to be angry and it is his right to not want to work through this.

Apologizing for what you did does not change the negative impact this has on his life.

The only way to earn his trust back is to NEVER lie to him again...and hope for your and your childs sake that he chooses to forgive you.

Be the best wife you can be.

What I see, Marly, is fiscal infidelity...

Which means you've come to a great site to get help in earning trust back...

Read up on transparency...in your case, that's fiscal transparency. You make a plan to take care of your debt...lay it out, your plan...

and to report your fiscal responsibility...how your money is coming in, where it is going, how you honor your vows now...

You own what you did, why you did it (your stinkin' thinkin') and why you won't do it again...which is your amends.

You add the transparency...read up on Dr. Harley's rules for marriage...including the Policies of Radical Honesty and Joint Agreement...understand that even divorce can be POJA'd.

Get your own thinking straight here...what you do and don't do is solely in your control...you cannot help your BH to heal if he is choosing to divorce you instead. What you do now is for you, your own healing, 'k?

As long as you guys aren't divorced, you ARE married. Stand for your marriage, 'k? Know you are married...doesn't matter if he wears his ring or not...your fiscal infidelity does not earn you punishment...just the natural consequences.

You read Harley's books...you see your half, what you can do for amends, for acts of love and setting healthy boundaries around you. Fight for your marriage for your child and your marriage, 'k?

You can do this--you aren't alone. Would you consider that your BH is very angry about your betrayal--not because money is so important to him...the betrayal is?

And I heartily recommend you guys counseling with Steve Harley...even just one session together, by phone.

LA

How long have you been married?
When did your husband find out you lied?
How did he find out?
Have you come clean about everything?

We have been married for 5 1/2 yrs. I told him in November 2007.
I had to tell him the truth because he wanted me to transfer a certain amount of money into our joint account for bills and I didn't have that much money in my account. I have now come clean about everything.

The POJA only applies to marriages where BOTH parties are willing to do it. I do NOT agree that divorce can or should be POJA. Either party can file for divorce at any point without the enthusiastic agreement of the other. I say "Thank God" for that.

I hope it all works out for you. Hopefully he will forgive you, i mean i understand trying to just wanting to fix it on your own...i do...not to have him be so angry, but in the end it wwas a mistake...everyone makes mistakes and all we can do is go on and learn from them.
I too have lied to my husband to, over something so stupid! He asked me to go look at something after work and i didn't do it and i lied and said yes i did i don't even know why i did it...it just came out! He gets so angry the night before b/c i didn't go as he asked and i knew he would blow if i said to him no i didn't go today...it was an avoidance issue for me...if he was just more understanding i wouldn't of done it..i went back to him an hour later and said yes i did lie, i was stupid, i was afraid you were going to get angry with me..and im sorry...well hes not talking to me and i hope this hasn't destroyed everything..
I hope you get that second chance...everyone in every message screws up somehow some way...and this was a mistake...what matters is that you are trying to rectify it. thats what matters. I just wanted to share with you showing your not the only one that screws up, we are all human and we all have our faults that we can try and work on.
(((hugs)))