For those who don't know me I can't post my whole story now, but basically I have been in plan B for nearly 3 1/2 years with no contact except for 3 o 4 occasions which were unavoidable.

WH has just contacted me by e mail saying he needs to talk to me personally and proposing we meet. As far as I know the A is still going on.

My question is: Should I meet him in a public place or should I let him come to the house?

I told him to propose place and date and am waiting for his answer.

What were the conditions of Plan B?

I would find out what he wants and THEN make a decision.

First of all whatever time he proposes you should be busy and offer him a different day and time.

Also, be prepared that after this long what he wants to talk to you about may not be good news.

Personally I would rather have private conversations in private and not at a public place. That is of course unless you have any concerns for your safety, then make it a public place.

Do you have an intermediary that can find out what he wants?

CC:

I don't think it much matters where you meet!!

It's SOOO WEIRD that YOU were on my mind today.

I even spoke to Queenie about you.

Let us hear what this is about...

I'm sorry, I missed your question!! If it were me, I would probably do it at the place I felt the most comfortable. Good luck!

CC,

I suspect it is long past the time when Harley's plans should have done their jobs. (though one can hope.)

I don't think it matters where you meet, unless you have reason to believe he is up to no good.

I am wondering if he plans to withdraw financial support. Of course, we don't know.

Part of plan B is to protect YOU. I am worried this will hurt you.
However, I would say that after this long in plan B, you should probably see what he wants.

Wishing you well.

SS

thanks for all the replies.

He proposes next monday at 6 pm wherever I choose to have a coffee.

It took him more than an hour to answer so it won't matter if I take a while to reply!

I don't know what I prefer!

I suspect he's going to tell me he wants a divorce because his brother who separated a couple of months before we did is getting one, and supposedly marrying his current GF this year. This must be driving OW crazy!

shall I ask him to tell me what about? He probably won't... remember he has never said anything! he is incredibly stubborn and will just remain silent. We haven't talked except to say hello the 3 times I've seen him.

According to Dr. H there wasn't much hope that anything would work because this sounded to him like a "mistress" thing.

Anyway, I'll accept more suggestions and answer later...

I don't understand this.

cc can explain more as she chooses, but she's from a country where having a mistress isn't necessarily as shocking as some might find it here in the US, and he's been with this woman for years now.

Queenie,

I don't understand it either. I don't know where Dr. H got his idea but that's what he said. It was more than 3 years ago...I don't have that original e mail around because my lap top crashed.

I never found out how long the A had been going on before D day, it could have been years, or months as WH said, but he was always a liar so he's not to be trusted.

He didn't say much else, didn't even admit he was having an affair, he said he had "made one mistake"...
and refused to say anymore.

OW moved in with him shortly after he left, but they kept it secret for about a year!

I'm inclining towards telling him to come to the house. It's where I feel more comfortable.

ccbis, what are your thoughts about divorce?

CCBIS,
From what I have read you have been in plan B for years and it seems WH has no good news to tell you. Why does he need to meet you in person? IMHO this is all about him getting closer. Maybe the vets can help but personally I would tell him to go through the 3rd party. That will do 2 things. Save you from more pain and rob him of some relief of burden for the pain he has caused.

Melody,

at this point divorce is closure.

I'm catholic which means that I will not re marry, but anything is better than this. I feel dirty!

when asked, I can't help but tell the truth: I'm married but my husband lives with his secretary.

Divorce would give me freedom. I would be able to say "I'm divorced" with no more explanations needed.

And as luck would have it, it has already been decided (recently)that I will sell the house and move by myself and my DDs (21, 21, and 18) will live by themselves. This i not the custom in my country and many have looked at me as though I am crazy, but it makes sense to me and to the girls.

Unfortunately I still have emotions with respect to the whole situation, towards WH (mainly disgust, but its still very strong), and towards everyone involved. That is one of the reasons I think it would be best he come here, a public place is "too public" for me.

I would suggest you read up on the catholic church and divorce. The church does not expect you to stay married to someone no matter what. There is also the route of annulment. When you took your VOWS you agreed to stay together for better or for worse and raise your children in the church. If one of you decides not to follow this the other can ask for an annulment. You have done nothing wrong and have made more than enough of an effort to try to make things work. What do you think God would think of this situation?
I think he sees that you have gone above and beyond to try and make things work.

cc,

I have never posted to you but i wanted to tell you as a catholic you can remarry..... You have grounds for an annulment/divorce through the church cause of your husbands adultry. You will someday be allowed to get married in the church if you so choose to. I know this cause i have friends who are priest and have even gone to talk to a priest myself about this matter.

Good luck to you and your DDs.

Hi Stronger than B4!

Thanks for your post. I talked to several priests and none ever mentioned that it was possible to remarry, or get an annulment. On the contrary, although all said that divorce was the right solution, annulment or remarriage in the Church were not possible.

Since then I have studied the Cathechism of the Church and the Bible and I agree that the Bible does consider infidelity a valid reason for divorce, the Cathechism does not. And priests here do not either although they are very permissive in other aspects.

In the end it depends on which priest you talk to. One told me that even if WH had been unfaithful we couldn't consider it a sin!

The bottom line is really that I cannot go back on my word, I just can't, so I won't remarry. It may sound silly in this day and age, but it's just what I feel. My marriage was my only true committment. I used to joke that the only person I belonged to was my husband, not my jobs, nor groups nor clubs etc. But I guess it was true. That's what marriage means to me.

It doesn't mean either that I would take WH back. The only way that could happen was if he really repented and even then I'm not sure I could because of the DISGUST I feel. I don't feel angry, I feel disgusted. I feel sorry for him.

The Catholic Church has a lot of problems, and marriage has not been its priority. The last encyclical written by a Pope on the subject was around 1880, so it's easy to understand how there can be so many different opinions, versions, understandings, etc.

I have decided I will obey the Church, even if I am not sure it is right in its interpretation, and even if I don't agree with many things (For example, it's obvious that annulments are managed differently in different places: they are very common in Spain, but rare here in my country).

Last year during Holy Week, the Pope insisted on two subjects: remarried people were not to receive communion and celibacy for priests.


To make matters more ridiculous, a law was passed a few months ago in this country which gives a common law wife the same rights a wife has after five years of living together, even if the person is married! In 1 1/2 years WH could have a wife he never divorced and a common law wife if he chooses to, and the law would protect him and OW.

Divorce is the best way to go. I would be free and responsible for myself.

Thanks Suamico too.
God's way is not necessarily our way.

I guess you know how much I LIKE and RESPECT you, CC..

I especially appreciate your expertise at TUMBLEBUGS..

What do you think THE MONK would have to say about this turn of events?

ccbis,

A priest once told me that his aunt married a man who became an alcoholic, she separated from him, she always considered herself married, and forty years later he returned to her to die of cihrrosis of the liver.

To me, that is a very touching story. This woman showed true love. She waited. She did not pursue. She did not lecture.

I have thought often about that woman, if she ever regretted spending forty years waiting for her husband to come back to her. I think not. She believed in marriage, and she believed in commitment. She accepted that he had the free will to do what he was going to do, but she had the free will to keep to her commitment as best she could without allowing him to destroy her.

Cherishing