Here is the very first thing posted on my thread by MicheleG:


This is a journey now and here's the beginning.

Your WH:
Is having an A (either EA or PA or both)
He will lie
He will wonder how much you know
He will want to cake eat as long as possible
He is having needs met by both of you
As long as he is allowed to continue, he will

This is your part:
Time to expose the A to OWH again and any family member or friend that may have influence over him

Read this:

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


Exposure is your strongest weapon against the A. Use it, and use it wisely. Do not tell him that you are going to do it, just do it. Expect more anger. Your M can survive his anger, but it cannot survive if he remains a WS.

Start a good plan A. If you can call the Harleys for advice. Read Surviving an Affair. You will learn the dynamics of affairs. They are all pretty much the same. The WS use the same script.

Your WH will try to rewrite history and put you in a bad light. He is trying to justify his actions to himself. He is probably addicted to the feelings of the A, not the OW. She could be anyone.

He has weaknesses that he did not protect. It is a slippery slope.

Keep coming here. Read, read, read.

Forgive me if you've already seen this but it does help to read it over again and again until you know it by heart.

Charlotte

Some confess immediately, others do not. Mine never did, even though he knew I knew and even after exposure. He just WOULD NOT TALK about it at all.

The truth finally came out when he was on the stand in court. Now it's a permanent record and he can no longer deny it.

Then there are those who confess but continue down that path. Others confess and end the A right away but that's rare.

I guess I'm confused, which comes first the Exposure or plan A?

Cov,

I can respect that you don't want to use a "loophole" in terms of divorce. God does require us to attempt reconciliation.

However, that is an out for you as the spouse who chooses marriage and has no choice but to go down the path of divorce as the betrayed spouse.

He is a serial cheater and no longer believes in God.

There comes a point where you've hung in there long enough and nothing happens or changes and you must move to the next step.

By all means try to save your marriage. I'm merely suggesting to you that you don't want to be like the person who is sitting on top of a house during a flood as the water rises.

A boat passes by and offers you to jump in. The reply is, "the Lord will provide for me."

Waters keep rising. Another boat comes along. Same reply, "The Lord will provide for me."

A third boat and the same thing.

The waters finally rise up and drown the person on top of the house.

They meet God and say, "I had faith that you would provide for me and save me."

God looks and says, "I sent three boats your direction."

My point is that you could mis-interpret God's will.

By all means try reconciling, but there may come a point where the waters are up to your neck and you need to get on the boat or die.

No, Plan A is not about 'avoiding upsetting your spouse,' it is about trying to meet their ENs and eliminating LBs; making improvements in yourself to be the best, most attractive person you can be.

I agree that it is a little confusing because some of the Plan A activities seem like LBs. Specifically in regard to Exposure. Exposure is used to help kill the A. The WS will not like it and it may seem like a LB, but unless the A ends there is no way to recover the marriage. Dr. Harley and his wife both encouraged me to expose.

As regards contacting OW#1, that's not really exposure, since she's well aware he's having an A. Instead you should expose to her family and ask them to help you end contact between her and your WH.

So to answer your later question, Exposure and Plan A do go together IF you have not achieved NC.

He does believe in God, as in he believe God exists, that the bible is truth, and that God can heal. He believes all those things he just doesn't want them. He says he isn't ready to give his life back to God yet.

He is a cheater, no doubt. That is why I am making a plan for affair survival.

I know that at least in my state, if he wants a divorce there is nothing I can do to stop it legally. But I still will continue to pray for the marriage of my covenant.

I vowed until death so that is the point I will give up at. I have faith that God will restore. Even if a divorce is in the future, it doesn't mean that I will stop fighting, stop praying or stop honoring God.

I'm not even to plan A yet, and people here are telling me to give up? That seems absurd.

I think most people here are here because their spouse is a cheater, and many times have turned their back on God.

For me, who am I to say what God has in store for us? I'm pretty sure God doesn't respond to demands of time, I think God is the one to tell me it's been enough. I am just striving to follow God's will in my life. Following my own brings me nowhere.

Okay that is where I was confused In SAA it says for plan a that "Jon was to avoid doing anything that would upset Sue.At the same time he would try to meet her emotional needs."
Can you clarify?

For OW#1 how in the world do you find her family? I only know her name and a cell phone number that I can only assume is hers. I've googled, and looked in phone books and nothing. I do know from my H that she does live in the same city as I do, and that she lives with her parents. How do I find out who her parents are?

Since with her there was A broken NC, I feel like we are at the beginning. H has claimed NC again with OW#1 but will not write a letter, so I don't believe it.

OW#2 he won't even consider an affair, which is denial. They may have not been physical, but you don't spend hours on the phone with another woman when you are married.

So for her, I have a cell phone # and an address. What is the best way to address exposure there? Call her?

Think of your spouse right now as two separate people: H and WH. As it was put to me, 'It's OK to LB your WS, not your real spouse.'

WH will be upset by actions you take to break up the A. That is OK and to be expected. Ignore his reactions to your actions and don't get drawn into a fight.

But don't give in to unnecessary and unhelpful LBs like AOs. For example, screaming and yelling at your WH about his behavior, calling him names, throwing things, etc. They might feel natural and justified but will do more harm than good.

You're right that there isn't much in the book about Exposure and other A-breaking tactics. The general message that Dr. Harley always reiterates is that As die a natural death and usually no longer than 2 years. But the posters on this forum will note that death can be hastened and Exposure is one of the ways to hasten it.

Thanks, that is actually really helpful. My Pastor and his wife are helping me set up a step by step plan. The used Dr. Harleys book years ago, and have been awesome mentors. I meet with her in 2 days, and anticipate they will be a great help.

Right now H and I don't really talk. He occasionally stops by to see our toddler, but is Mr. negative. His comments fit an affair to a T... Within in the last 3 days I have heard:
"Its not any of your business"
"It has nothing to do with you"
"I'm telling you the truth."
"You don't need to be concerned about that"
"We are just friends"
"I need to be away from you so I don't spread nagativity around"
"I can't recall I get a lot of emails."


I would think he was reading out of SAA with how to keep a second secret life. :eek:



Ok and another question. When I found about about OW#2 after he was home while we went to our pastor and he said we had to follow Dr. Harleys book. Starting with the NC letter. H was super gung ho about it, wanting to work on the marriage ect. I was then out of town for 5 days, and on the 4th day he started talking with OW#2. Anyway the book came, he refused to start reading it, and it all went downhill from there. But he knows that I read it, and plan to follow it.
Are Plan A and Plan B effective if the WS knows about them?

I read H email and he found out.

He said if I would have asked to read it he would have shown me, but that I went behind his back.

I don't like being dishonest with him so in a way at first I was relieved to be "caught" but now am feeling like oh crap, that was my last way to "catch" him.

So since he is already mad about that, is it better to just do all my exposure now?

I'm so angry also because he refuses to acknowledge OW#2 as an affair since all they ever did was talked. At least call it what it is.

I know also now that those affairs are exposed he has lost interest. I'm totally sure though that he is out looking for the next one. Will plan A even be effective? I can't seem to not just always LB him.

I also found out that he is in serious financial trouble, I am working to get taken off anything joint as he is going downhill quickly.

I also think Plan B will be effective, as he has made the comment before he always wants me in his life, and he would rather be married to me then never see me again. I am wondering then knowing that if I am better off doing a short plan A, and move quickly into plan B.