Catnip,<BR>I can relate to your feelings and I would bet you are doing the same thing I am in even encouraging the conversation by trying to act above or over it but really still wanting to figure out the attraction or how this could have happened. Then it backfires on us when we hear something that hurts. I can't explain it but I bet you know what I mean.<BR>It has been 7 months since I learned of the affair but almost a year now since I knew something was wrong. I still don't sleep through the night with out drugs but the days are getting a little easier. Someone told me that you can get over a person but you can't over kids so I should be thankful we don't have any. They didn't know all the details or about the OW's kid but I thought, I guess that's the problem in a nut shell, I could have got over the affair but not this kid.<P>Pahakissa,<BR>I do hope it is not his and I would date him again if he would. I dream of that often.<P>

I reread this thread tonight, I don't actually know any of you but I feel like I do and just wanted to say thanks for being there and for me on my lowest moments. <BR>CJM, you and I talked first, before I knew of a pregnancy. I have wondered if I were in your shoes, would I have continued to keep up with me or found it too painful considering what could have happened. You however have always kept up.<BR>Jenny, Destroyed and remember Maggie?<BR>We were the first to come out and say what was going on when the problem became compounded. The first as long as I have posted anyway, since then I have read of other before us. Suse posted on one of my threads to bring me to you guys for which I am very grateful. I am still wondering if she is a Harley plant at times!<BR>NABS, I am sorry of your May 6th kid, is it easier one month later? Did the 6th of June make you have a bad day? <BR>Then one at a time and not so slowly, others in the same boat kept popping up. Catnip,Daycare Disaster, K,and a couple others, thanks for touching base and sorry we have this problem in common.<BR>I've had a good weekend and pulled up this web site last miute and wanted to say thanks. I am not sure I would have made it to a good weekend ever without the support of some of you guys!<BR>Thanks so much!<p>[This message has been edited by Smith (edited October 03, 1999).]

Smith, I'm so glad to hear you had a good weekend You've come a long way, lady! Good for you!! Two thumbs up!!! <P>It seems significant to me that your H and the OW don't seem to get together much. <P>I'm also thankful for ya'all and this site. I'm thankful it is here or I would feel so horribly isolated in this situation. This helps me cope without telling lots of people in my life who don't need to know.<P>The date thing is hard. My youngest's birthday is just 5 days after the Ochild's birthday, so that each month, when my baby gets a month older, I have to think: and OC is x mo. old, too, and I wonder if she is doing this and that that my baby does. Since OW was a "friend", I've remembered her birthday, her other childrens' birthdays, holidays that we spent together... I can honestly say that I think I remember more about her than my H does because I spent more time with her than H did (and he's never been good with dates, etc.)!! Gag.<P>Like I said, I can forget about every other day now. I'm hoping I'll let it go better. I feel like I'm holding on to it worse (longer?) than some people do, but maybe my circumstances are worse? Thanks for being here. <P>

TO ALL OF YOU: I don't know what the future holds for all of us. Those of you without your H's I feel so bad for you, although sometimes I don't think it is really any better and perhaps worse when your H is there physicially, but emotionally is not - so you keep looking at him and thinking "why are you not trying to fix "us"? Anyway - I am so thankful that you guys are here I can just get things off my chest. I made the mistake of telling my mother when I found out my H had an affair and that the OW was pregnant. She didn't like him before and now she really doesn't and she and my sister have always had a hard time of "forgiving people" so now I must deal with that along with trying to repair my marriage. Oh well - I guess that is my fault. My problems is I have a really good friend that knows that my H had an affair (actually she caught him once in an innocent situation with her) months before I knew what was going on (because I already had suspicions and had her kinda watch for me). She knows that part but not about the child. I have been tempted to tell her because it always seems like there is "something" between us. (I'm one of those that likes to lay everything on the table). Although I realize that with my Mom it was a mistake and wonder if telling my friend would be the same mistake? any advice?<P>------------------<BR>

DD,<BR>Hi! Wow, your question just blew me away because I'm sitting here mentally composing a letter to my mom and wondering if telling her is the thing to do or not!! Re: telling your friend, if she has been a true friend who has supported Your feelings along the way and not overwhelmed you with her own feelings about it(!), then she will probably continue to support you (and your marriage) even if you tell her about the child. I'm a lay-it-all-out kind of person too, so I can sympathize. I hate hiding things and lying. I have slowly told more friends than family; but I only picked people I thought were really mature and could also offer some of their own life experience to my situation. So far everyone I've told (4, plus I told one about the affair without mentioning the child) has been supportive.<P>It's too bad about your mom and sister.That kind of reaction is why I did not tell any family for months. Most of my family is not that mature!! I've now told my dad (he took it well); and my mother-i-law is asking when I'm going to tell my mom because then she (m-i-l) would have someone she could talk to about it(she's friends with my mom)... My mom is the only family who met the OW, as my "friend". But mom is another case of never really loving my H and this may just make all get-togethers unpleasant. Everyone is long-distance right now but we plan to live by family in a few years, so it does matter how they treat H/us.<P>Good luck!

Jenny, DD, and anyone else thinking about telling others about the baby. . <BR>My situation is a little bit different as I am the betrayer (wife who had OM’s baby), but I deliberated over the same question. If you’ll let me, I’d like to tell you what happened with me . . . <P>My three best friends know absolutely everything. I am so glad that they do. Two of the three friends were very supportive and very concerned about me and all involved. It was a tremendous relief to tell my best friends and know that I had their unconditional love and support. One friend couldn’t speak to me for about 2 months after I told her. She was so furious at me. She cried and told me that it hurt her because she desperately wanted to believe that marriages work and partners stay faithful. She and I had been friends since elementary school and she has always looked up to me. She told me that she was disappointed in me and that it would take her some time to work thorough it. In time she did and our friendship is stronger now that ever. All three girlfriends, as a result of my confession, told me their own deep dark secrets. We were all relieved and much closer now. The hard part is that all three girlfriends feel very uncomfortable being around H and I together. It is awkward for them and they don’t know what to say. The bottom line for me was that I really needed the love and listening and hugs that they gave me (and continue to give me). The price is a strained relationship w/H and H&I together, but the benefit of being real with my best friends is worth it (sad, though). <P>As for the family . . . <BR>My mother knows everything. I just recently told her. She made no judgements. She cried. She cried some more. She said, “FC, I love you and I wish I could make it all right again. I will love and support you and your choices, and your family, no matter what. I’m certainly not proud of you for this. You made some bad choices, but ultimately, it is between you and God.” Let me tell you, I was totally blown away by this. I expected her to disown me. She was so supportive! I am glad she knows. It is a bit awkward, though. But I hated to lie and I hated hiding the most painful part of my life from my own mother. Ultimately, she rose to the occasion and opportunity to show unconditional love to her daughter and I love her more today than I did before I told her. I can’t believe how much she loves me. I can’t say I would have half of her love and grace under the same circumstances.<P>Mom is the only family member who knows at this time. The rest of the family doesn’t need to know. I’m not that close to any of them. Dad and mom are divorced and I don’t think dad cares much about me, let alone my extended family. I feel no burden to tell them. If I did, I would.<P>As for the In-laws<BR>Ouch, that is a difficult one. I do think they need to know. They will certainly hate me, if not forever, at least for a season. I don’t want to hurt them, and I don’t want to humiliate H, so I am leaving that one up to him. In time I think they need to know. I don’t care for them much, so it won’t be a major loss for me if they disown me. It would hurt H and maybe my son, and it would be very humiliating for me, so I’ll wait on it for now. If/when H chooses to tell them I will agree.<P>Of course, there are many other questions in my situation (like will I stay with H at all or he with me)? And I am on the opposite end of things (you are stepparents, I had an affair). But in the end I was persuaded by something that my pastor said, “God can do more with the truth than you can ever do with a life.” Also, I felt I could do more damage control if I told them, than if they found out from someone else.<P>Just my thoughts, for what ever they are worth. Best only to all of you. If I’ve not said this to any of you personally, I am very sorry for the pain you are going through. I know it is your partners who really need to say it, and from whom you need to hear it, but I am very sorry for your broken hearts.<BR>Humbly,<BR>FC<BR><p>[This message has been edited by facing choices (edited June 07, 1999).]

It is incredible that so many of us have decided to tell our Mothers and other important people in our lives the truth about the OW pregnancy/OC. I just did this the day before Memorial Day, and I would never have done this if I wouldn't have been at the end of my rope. My H has been emotionally withdrawing from me for about two weeks now. Laced with the withdrawal is indifference, isolation, hostility, contempt and all those other hateful traits one expresses to their spouse when they are all done with them. David is all done with me. He wants to be rid of me and living in the same house with someone who acts as though you are insignificant and unimportant is a living nightmare. I was in so much pain one morning after he left for work that I felt hot tingles going through my head and face. I have physical reactions to this pain that is very disconcerting. Mom is in town for a couple weeks and was staying with us. H was cool and indifferent to her as well, making her feel very unwelcome and hurting her feelings. She adored this man...they had been close friends for years and years. Mom can't sit still for long and decided to empty the trash baskets in the bedrooms while I was putting on my make-up. She went into our bedroom and I heard the closet door shift and my Mom scream out. I went running in there and grabbed the closet door before it fell on her and immediately became enraged...not at Mom, but at H. Last November 3rd after his first "encounter" with the OW, he flew home and I picked him up at the airport. He got in my car and started laughing and cussing and acting crazy. He was very, very drunk. We got home, he came in the house and started to scream and cry that he had just ruined the best thing that ever happened to him and he was going to blow his head off. He put a loaded shotgun under his chin and threatened to kill me then kill himself. Then after a few minutes of my crying and pleading, he put the gun down and fell into our bedroom closet, breaking it off the hinges, then passed out on the floor. He's been back since January 1st and has never repaired the closet door. When that closet door just about fell on Mom, I lost it. She was so upset and scared, I just blurted out that she shouldn't be in my room to begin with and that the closet door should have been fixed six months ago. She asked what happened and I told her. Then I said, "On top of all that, he flew out again over the weekend of November 13th to screw her and then again over Thanksgiving weekend too...that's the weekend she got knocked up!" There's no going back after that. I blew it. My emotions were way out of control. I packed her up and sent her to my aunt's cabin so she wouldn't have to live with the awful tension in the house. I felt horrible for dumping all this on her. She's 72 and has had three small strokes over the past three years. This is why I didn't tell her before and didn't want to tell her now. She handled it beautifully, but, if she has another stroke over the next six months, I'll be blaming myself. And my big mouth. Now she hates him so much it's beyond repair. But with my H's total emotional withdrawal, there's no hope anymore anyway. I don't know what I would do without all of you. The things I say here I could never say to anyone else because no one else understands how it is. No one else can possibly understand that there's still a small part of me that holds hope for reconcilliation. I could never admit that to anyone but all of you. Anyone else I know, friends and family alike, hate David and wish he'd disappear. They would think I was crazy to even want to repair this marriage after what he's done to me and our marriage, the unbearable pain he's caused and ruination of what we had. They have forgotten what he was like for 20 years and only see what he's been like for the past ten months. The change is so horrific, it takes my breath away. I have a story I'm going to post on a new thread because I need to talk about it. I'll call it My Once In A Lifetime. Thanks all of you for your love and support. You, like me, are all such wonderful women...we know our worth and value...even if they don't. I told David tonight, "Some day when and if this is over and you've gone, you'll wake up and remember us and what we had. You'll be sad and sorry...and you'll miss me like you would never believe possible." <BR>God bless you all, comfort you all, protect you all and guide you all. May God give us strength and peace and take away the pain and replace it with joy and kindness and compassion. May God, you and me, forgive us and those who trespass against us. Thank you all...you have no idea how much you have all come to mean to me. Catnip

Ah...to tell or not to tell?<BR>One of my friends told me that she believes you heal a little everytime you talk about it. The only problem with that is, your friends and family are far less likely to forgive him than you are, they are not in love with him.<BR>I think I told to many people at first but considering the outcome now, I don't care who knows. In fact sometimes I want to tell the world what he did and maybe someone out there can explain to me how/why I failed at the relationship that meant the most to me in all the world.<BR>Just pick your ears well or they will become mouths!

Sorry to bring another tired old post to the top but if it can be of some help to Lynn...

Hi, all,<P>Just read much of this for the first time, as I was away during this time...<P>Smith, just wondering if you're still out there, & how you're doing?? I'd love to hear from you. Thx for the kind words (last June!) too... nope, not a "Harley plant" but I take that as a real compliment! Hope you're doing well. Jenny, you around at all too? How are things with you?

Smith,<BR>I was glad to see your post because I am in the same boat. The baby will be born in Oct and I am devestated. I don't know what is going to happen, but for now husband says OW doesn't want anything from him and he will not have contact. I assume it always starts this way and I'm afraid of what might happen later. I too told my H that I would be willing to take the child and raise it, but OW wants to keep it. I'm fighting with myself now, because I keep feeling like I want to get pregnant to replace the OC. Is that crazy or what? I just don't want him to feel any connection to the child or OW. I don't think that will happen if he never sees the child. He says he will not go and see the child be born, but I'm currently in another country so I won't know if that does happen. I feel like it will change the way he feels if he sees it and that hurts me so bad. You seem to be alot farther along with this than I am so I'm sure I haven't helped you, but you really did help me. Thanks.

I have not been on this post in a very long time but for some reason, pulled it up tonight and much to my surprise was a thread I started months ago, back up with recent comments posted again.<P>I quit posting because after my divorce I felt as though I could not offer anything to any of you as I failed at what this web site hopes to achieve ...save marriages!<P>Catnip and Suse,<BR>Nice to see you all still around, hanging in there and helping others do the same.<P>LynnAKO1,<BR>Sorry you are in this boat. I know it is tough. The toughest time of my life and there are still bad days. Next month I will have known of the affair for a year, as of this past June, it was a year that I began to know things were wrong and trying to fix something (I had no idea what at the time). I am now divorced, dating someone who is very nice to listen to me talk about my X and this whole mess way too frequent for most men to tolerate. Not sure why he does except that he hopes to still be around once I am over all this. I can't tell you when or if that will happen but it does get easier! My x and the OW still work together, she has still not granted a DNA test. He has seen the kid about 3 times to my knowledge, doesn't talk to me much about it these days. We talk now and then even went out a couple times but with so much pain and uncertainty, the whole thing is just sad to me now. The kid may very well not be his but noone knows for sure and she still holds all the cards. The best I hope for is to get on with my life. It is hard without a closure to my love with my X but it does get easier. <BR>I am not saying move on and my hope for you is that you don't, all of you. Try until you think your own sanity hangs in the balance but never risk yourself over giving up. I hit the point just above not wanting to live when I gave up. There and only there could I say I knew it was best to move on. I think I am weak because of it and I am humbled at that knowledge. On this side of divorce are many sad days as well but fewer and fewer. <BR>I started training for a marathon 5 months ago. The 25th of this month I'll run 26.2 miles. I know with every mile what I am running from. My goal was to fill my time with something healthy, leave myself so beat at the end of the day that I would sleep better and give myself a grieving period (the 5 month training period). When I cross the finish line, I have told myself all along, that I will stop grieving and get on. Best thing I could have done for myself, something to focus on. <P>For you all I wish the best. Hang in there and work hard at forgiving and forgetting. For the life of me, don't ask me how!<P>Thanks for keeping in touch.<BR>Smith <p>[This message has been edited by Smith (edited October 03, 1999).]

Smith, you go girl, good luck on the marathon. i am starting divorce proceedings, have hired a lawyer, etc. he is still in the house but is supposed to move out after the weekend. i found out the affair only ended a few weeks (again) and has been on again since last november. it pains me more than i can describe. for my own sanity, i must move on. he has treated me with such disrepect and lack of caring and 'coldness'..<BR>but i am immeasurably sad...<P>------------------<BR>Kellie<BR>Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough<P>

Kellie,<BR>I am so very sorry. Cyber hugs to you for having to go through this again. Stay strong and find something to keep you busy. Divorce can be tough as well. I have always said you learn more about a person by the way they exit than the way they entered. Watch how he exits, divorce can be nasty. There is a good web site at www.divorceasfriends that helped me some with advice. You may want to visit it but first make darn sure there is nothing left to save. Throwing in the towel makes for long lonely nights.<BR>Good luck to you.<BR>Smith