I don't think that you should jump to divorce either. I think that you need to look at your wife as wayward. She is not acting like your wife anymore because she is caught in the affair (not that she hasn't chosen it, but it is affecting her decisions).

EXPOSE. She will be VERY ANGRY. Don't let it phase you. She is an alien. She may even decide that she will not reconcile with you because you have exposed. But when the affair dies (because almost all affairs do die), she may realize that she doesn't want to leave your marriage.

Think of her as protecting her addiction. She is going to threaten, beg, cry...anything that she thinks will help her to continue to get what she "needs."

And I agree...DO NOT MOVE OUT. If she is choosing to continue her affair instead of working on your marriage, then she is choosing her affair over her family and she should not be the one to remain. She needs to see that she is CHOOSING to leave her family.

Some problems to address before exposure:

1. What proof do you have? You stated your wife admitted all, do you have that on tape or in an email?? The reason this is important is OM will DENY his butt off and if you've got zero documentation, your wife will likely back him up and again portray you as a jealous husband. If you don't have it NOW, then we can assist you with methods to get it before you expose. Once exposed, you'll likely find evidence harder to come by.

2. Do you know OM's GF well. Where does she work? Does she live with OM?? Can you reach her without giving yourself away? Do you happen to have her personal email address.

3. Do you have the names and emails of the directors of the sports activity such that you can expose to them in one swoop on the same day and perhaps, just after you tell OM's GF.

4. What about OM's parents?

5. What about your WW's parents and siblings?


Yes, exposure is uncomfortable and your wife will hit the fan when she discovers you did it...that's why, often times, it's best to get it ALL done at one time and work from there. Sometime, successive exposures are recommended here but you're already on your 7th month post D-day. IMO, that calls for Shock and Awe approach. I've even heard Dr. Harley recommending you print up signs and picket in front of OM's business in these situations.

The purposes of exposure are multi-levels. Expose the truth because others deserve to know the truth about their lives, like OM'sGF AND your children plus you want to bust up the affair. Your marriage can not start to recover until the affair is OVER. Right now...OM and WW have maintained their separate fantasy world absent of reality...turning on the light shatters that fantasy world and they must then deal with the real consequences for their actions. This often involves them distancing themselves from one another and/or love busting the crap out of each other. OM may run from your wife like the plague (I hope).

If they continue...exposure is often the beginning of the end. Dr. Harley posits that nearly ALL affairs die a natural death within 2 years of exposure. Might not be in time to save your marriage but you never know.

Finally...take precautions to insure that when your wife DOES go ballistic that you have witnesses around to insure that she doesn't attempt call the cops on you and have you removed from your home with a bogus restraining order. Even a recorder in your pocket, if legal in your state, may protect you from false allegations. Sounds far fetched but it HAS happened here with some regularity. Desperate waywards are completely unpredictable and she is demon possessed.

Let's work on a plan. Do you even know what to say when you expose??? There are specific do's and don'ts you should read about first and apply before proceeding.

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - IS YOUR COMPUTER SECURE??? Don't allow your wife to find this. Is there a chance she's installed a keylogger on your computer??? Be careful who you trust. Some here have been busted by those they thought were on their side in real life and on these boards. Don't post personal details which will allow anyone to track you down. You've done a good job so far not indicating the sport. Keep it up.

p.p.s.- Is there another sports facility the children can switch to in your area?? Can you afford to move away (might consider putting up a for sale by owner sign just to see WW's reaction)??

This guy should NOT be coaching young women.

Eventual exposure to the powers that be in the soccer association may result in him being removed from his duties. You will likely need to make a big stink for this to occur.

If he were coaching my daughter and I discovered all this information, I would be seeking alternatives right quick.

There must be alternative in the area for you. If not, move.

Mr. Wondering

As for telling the kids, I was given the advice about it before...I'll try to relate it to you.

Tell them the truth without the gory details. Now I didn't tell my children, not because I felt that they shouldn't know (and we will eventually tell them), but the A is not affecting our children now so the need to know is not urgent for us.

This is my best attempt:

Marriage is something that is special between one man and one woman. Mommy and Daddy are supposed to be partners and love only each other (kiss only each other). Mommy made a bad choice and she and OM decided to love each other too (kiss each other too).

Mommy and OM's choice hurt our family. It was wrong for her and OM to do. It hurt Daddy a lot. Mommy says that she is not doing this anymore, but it takes time for Mommy and Daddy to feel better. Mommy is trying to make better choices (if you feel that is true), but she is still hurting Daddy by seeing OM at soccer. Mommy needs to stop seeing OM at all so that she and Daddy can work on being partners again.

Others might have other ideas to add.

**EDIT**

Or report him to the soccer league. Coaches can be replaced. Your kids don't necessarily have to leave their teams.

You can tell your kids about what's happened. Your older ones understand affairs and are likely to not think too highly of a man who has been screwing their mom and hurting their dad in the process.

"Just friends" is a daily slap in the face to you. The guy sleeps with your wife and can stay friends with her? This is where you need to be a man and be strong and show self respect.

Your W will be livid and angry, but the affair is ongoing. I'm sure their conversations are nothing you would like and I'm sure that his GF wouldn't like him talking to her knowing what they did.

I would start exposure with his GF. I would then go to the soccer league. Then go to her parents. Then yours. Then the kids.

Trust me, the kids will be on your side.

What she's done is heinous.

And the stuff she said about you invading her privacy? Yes, I heard it too. There's a difference between privacy and secrecy. Married people shouldn't have secrets. Privacy is closing the door when you're going to the bathroom. Secrecy is talking to a man you use to screw.

Umm. This shouldn't be hard. It's all insane to look at from the outside when you're not the one emotionally involved.

Trust us. If you upset the WW, then you're doing the right things.

Appeasement will land you divorced and without your kids. Being a man will protect your rights as a father and end the affair.

I don't know how you could even see this man and not want to go punch his lights out after what he did and is doing.

Is OM a hometown guy too or might he move after you've exposed him and made his life miserable??

Though, I wouldn't put much hope that your OM, as a serial adulterer and destroyer of 2 now 3 families will move out of shame. He's got no pride already.

Recovery with OM around in any way, shape or form is very difficult. Even a move to the next town over is very beneficial. I know saving your family is of the utmost importance to you, so you MAY need to be willing to make that sacrifice. No contact for life...means no contact for life and a plan to insure it.

Unless YOU need your families support or your family is very close with your wife and able to influence her, then I would consider whether or not they need exposing to. I held off on telling my parents as they would have been of no benefit to either busting up the affair nor recovery.

Her parents...most likely, should be told at the same time you tell everyone else.

This is the order I anticipate as best.

1. The kids one evening
2. The OM's GF the next morning
3. Then an email blast to everyone else...Soccer club directors, soccer parents, OM's parents, your WW's parents and any other friends and family you choose to expose to.

The exposure language someone will post a draft for you soon. You are revealling the truth in a non-hostile manner and requesting support, prayers and help with busting up the affair and saving your family.

****edit****

I think the secret is being cool and calm. Think Bruce Lee. Think James Bond.

They communicate effectively, without anger, and only take action when necessary.

So be polite. Say that you're sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but the situation is forcing you to inform everyone of what is happening.

The fact that you know OMGF is good. Meet with her and show her the emails or give her copies or forward them to her.

Expect her to be in denial. I exposed to a woman who was shacked up with a guy that my exww was making out in the parking lot of the mall with.

He fed her a bunch of BS and she forgave him. But I did my part in letting her know about what he did so she could protect her children.

You never know, though, seeing the evidence for herself might be just what you need.

But GF should be one of the first people you talk to. I agree with Mr. W on the order of exposure.

But be forewarned:

She will EXPLODE with anger. She will tell you that you once had a chance and now you don't. She will tell you that it is none of your business. She'll tell you that you ruined other people's lives. She'll put all the blame on you for her actions.

Don't let it get to you and don't believe it. Waywards want to put all the blame about everything on you. Don't let her.

You have to keep your cool and not get angry back.

Just calmly tell people that you love your life and wish to keep your family together, but she is having an affair and you would appreciate any support they could offer.

Might as well get it over all at once. Start with the OM's GF. THAT will most likely end the affair.

Here's a link to an old thread about exposure you should read. There are also links to other threads discussing various nuiances of exposure you should read.

HERE IS THE LINK: Exposure 101


I believe there is also a more recent thread titled Exposure 101 but I don't have the link to that one. Perhaps someone will bump it up for you.


The basic do's and don'ts.

Do: Expose in calm contrite manner with a purposeful intent of merely getting the truth out there for all to see and judge on their own and to acquire help busting up the affair.

Don'ts : Don't run around like a madman exposing your wife in a seemingly mean and vindictive manner calling her and OM every name in the book and/or other vulgar and graphic language. (she, of course, will see any exposure as mean and vindictive but that's not your problem).

Mr. Wondering

You know...the more I think about this, perhaps, the kids should be told the evening following the exposure to everyone else. If he does it the night before then the infidels are likely to be on guard for a further exposure and could preempt him. If you tell the kids first and then have trouble getting a hold of OM's gf then the whole thing is delayed and his WW will be going nuts on him for telling the kids and in full gaslighting mode. Not a good time for him to then expose to the rest of the world.

There are reverse babble opportunities that come into play also. When he's all done with exposure, he can say "I'm sorry you feel that way...I won't do it again...I thought you and OM would be proud to put your "love" on exhibition for the world to see...weren't you tired of living a lie and keeping secrets...there's no more secrets now...I won't do it again, my bad".

Once it's all out there...the BH has some babble outs. He mentioned she stated a "last straw". Well, we know that typically once you do a "last straw" move then the wayward sets up a NEW "last straw". I'd rather he exposed fully and didn't have to break said new "last straw" so the more quickly it's done the better.

1. OM's GF
2. Everyone else
3. The Kids

Mr Wondering

p.s. - This is YOUR call C. Your best bet and investment would be for you to call and set up an appointment with Steve Harley at the marriage building center. HE is the professional. We, herein, are merely novices on a message board that have been there, done that. I am not exactly comfortable having you rely on me TODAY, particularly because you haven't shared as many details with us as I would like and the fact you just got here and started posting. I prefer to have more case history prior to taking significant action. Take a couple days to hash this out. Your call...regardless.

Spoken like a true lawyer!

Please don't be offended by the jokes on my thread. They apply to those in your profession who are the stereotype.

Darth WHNACG falls into that category. Nowhere in the same league as the fine professional ladies he's either working with or up against.

COG, this man is full of wisdom. Please remember that we're in your corner and are rooting for you and are offering you advice which we've either seen work with others or wish we had done ourselves. The advice you hear comes from experience and being on this board for a long time.

****edit****

It would be helpful to know if you want to remain married. You said you were planning a Plan B.

The best course of action would be exposure - that was supposed to be done along with Plan A.

Really, I don't know how you've managed to stay cool this long.

And when you think about hurting your kids, just remember the affair is what hurt everyone. The sooner there is no contact between the affairees, the better.

And be very careful that she doesn't bait you into a fight, and get YOU removed from your home.

CoGuy:

As I aid before, you are not doing exposure for the sake of doing exposure.

You need exposure to end the affair. In this instance there is no other way! The affair will only end when your WW goes into hermetic absolute, impermeable NO CONTACT.

Staying friends with OM and playing in the same soccer team is among the highest form of CONTACT in the universe. Talking daily on the phone is major league CONTACT. You will never recover this marriage with kind of CONTACT. The affair is alive and well.

Your wife is likely in love with this OM. Most women in affairs fall in love so they don’t feel bad having sex with OM. Right now your wife is a goner, she is madly in love and she will do anything to maintain the contact. This is very similar to a drug addict that steals from his mother and grandma. As long as there is CONTACT you do no have a prayer. You might as well end the marriage right now.

A few more words about NO CONTACT:

NO CONTACT means:

No visual of OM of any kind--------including looking at a photo. Yes some can remain hooked forever by simply contemplating photos.

No re-reading of old emails from OM or love letters. This can also keep the flame of the affair alive for a long time.

Your wife needs to change her email account and make sure she is not online when OM is online. CONTACT is so powerful that being online at the same time OM is online can feed her thirst for the affair even if they do not chat.

I have an anecdote regarding this interesting phenomenon. After d-day my wife refused to obtain a different AOL screen name or email account. As a result of this her ex-OM was aware whenever she was online even though they were not exchanging messages and were two thousand miles apart.

She had blocked OM, but was aware OM was online. Likewise OM could not communicate, but was aware my wife was online.

I suspected this simultaneous presence in cyberspace was not good, but my wife refused to change her cyberspace name. The addiction is very strong and deep inside she wanted OM to be aware she was online. This was the last vestige of contact----simply knowing that their names were floating out there in cyberspace at the same time. My MC understood this issue quite well and after several sessions my wife reluctantly agreed to have a different email and AOL screen name.

Within a week OM flew to our city in panic mode because he could not be aware when my wife was online. He stalked my wife for two days and cornered her in a parking lot. The OM was feeding his own addiction to the affair using the same method-----just knowing my wife was online when he was on. This is incredible!

Sounds like a silly story, but it shows how CONTACT of any kind can keep the fantasy of the affair forever.

YOU MUST EXPOSE and tell your kids. If it means no soccer for the kids so be it. I am sure your kids will not want to be around OM.

HOW you expose is important

wording something like:



I am saddened to tell you my WW is having an affair. It's been going on for (length of time). She refuses to end the affair. I want our marriage to recover from this affair. If you have any influence on WW, please do what you can to get her to stop this dangerous affair. I want to stay married, but the affair must end.

Great.

I consider "right now" and a couple days the same thing.

Something to consider is the girls practice and game schedule. I wouldn't want you exposing to the OM's girlfriend the same morning or afternoon that the OM will be around your kids and/or wife.

You may want to invite over your in-laws and have them be your witnesses, so to speak, just in case your wife gets any ideas of calling the police on you. Be careful though, often times, blood is thicker than mud and you will find yourself defending yourself to them. They may very likely see this as an unnecessary, vindictive and hurtful attack on their daughter. So it's your call when and where to tell them based upon such insight. Consider also that leaving the house after you tell the kids might not be a good idea. Some or all of them may take this extremely hard and need you to stay and offer support if merely by your continued calm presence.

Mr. Wondering

CoGuy:

Once again:

The only chance to recover the marriage is to achieve permanent, hermetic, impermeable NO CONTACT.

In your case you will only achieve NO CONTACT by exposing.

I'm new here, so take my advice with caution. You can read my thread for more details of my situation.

I have a long way to go and a lot of issues to deal with in a very complicated situation. But, my wife and I have made a lot of progress in a short period of time and I attribute that mainly to the nuclear exposure that I did right at d-day. I did it out of anger, but the result was the same that the fantasy was destroyed and both my wife and OM were smacked in the face by reality.

She was furious and blamed me because she was fired from her job and so was OM. It was all my fault according to her. It was also my fault that her children were angry with her. But, everytime she blamed me, I calmly told her that any consequences she was experiencing was because of her affair and not my exposure. I told her that if there was nothing wrong with her relationship with OM, then she shouldn't have a problem w/ everyone knowing about it. I also repeatedly told her that while I will fully accept my responsibility for the condition of our marriage, I will not under any circumstances accept any responsibility for HER affair or it's consequences.

Your situation may be different, but I firmly believe the best remedy for foggy WW behavior is a healthy dose of reality. Again, I am still new to all of this, but I think most of the veterans will agree that avoiding exposure does nothing but help the affair continue. Also, please don't forget that you need to do a strong Plan A to go along with exposure. I have found that the principles of "Surviving an Affair" are dead on, so please buy it and read it asap.