Hey,<BR>Okay, I am not a regular Oprah watcher, but todays show talked about affairs :<BR>Would you want a friend to tell you if they knew your spouse was having an affair?<BR>If you knew a friends spouse was having an affair, would you tell them?<BR>Interesting show today!<BR>Ian

Yes and yes. THat is how I came to face it was a good friend that had been listening to me describe what was going on in my relationship told me what he thought. It snowballed from there. <P>The truth sets us free.

Agree with fighter (what else is new?) Missed the show. Wonder if it's rerun in prime time? R & B,<P>--Wex

It was a friend who told me, but it was 5 months after the fact. There were a ton of our friends who knew. I am also now in the situation where someone I am an aquaintance of (but used to be buddies in high school) needs to be told of her husband's affair. The problem, she is due to give birth in 4 weeks. Whoa, am I in between a rock and hard place or what?

Hurtone, I'm probably going to get shot for this and thrown off of the board. She needs to know. Now. Unless she has a heart condition or there is a birthing problem that could harm the baby in any way, she needs to know as soon as possible. Before or after is never a good time.<BR>My God give her the strength to see this through.

There was a woman on the show who was pregnant with her second child, when her friends found out about her husbands affairs.<BR>They chose to wait until after she gave birth to tell her, and she even said she was glad that they waited. But, everyone is different, that is a tough one.<P>I would hate to be the one who tells her at a time she is at her happiest, about to give birth. But, yes she needs to know. I think pregnancy would be hard enough, without the added stress of finding that out.<BR>Ian<p>[This message has been edited by IOH (edited October 14, 1999).]

Gee-too bad a friend of mine was so busy screwing my H that she COULDN'T tell me. Anymore I could really care less.<P>------------------<BR>*heartache*<BR>"Loyalty Is A Two Way Street"<BR>

I read somewhere where this therapist (can't remember who it is), suggested that only tell the person if you are asked.<P>I don't know if I agree with this. If a close friend of mine knew that my spouse was having an affair, I certainly would want to know NOW.

I would absolutely positively tell... although these things usually blow up in YOUR face. I remember when I took a friend to the hospital, her H had beat her up. After she went home, he hated me, of course, and then soon enough, so did she. She HAD to to stay with him.<P>You try to help, and look what happens. <P>I'd say, yes, tell, but be prepared. You won't be friends for long unless it is a REALLY special friendship that can endure a lot!<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by new_beginning (edited October 14, 1999).]

Hurtone --<BR>Been there!! Do NOT tell the pregnant woman now. There is no good time, so for the safety of your friend and her baby wait until afterwards. I found out when I was 7 months pregnant. Immediately lost about 10 lbs and started having premature contractions. The worry for the baby's safety was overwhelming. Thank God the pregnancy continued and she was born healthy (never gained another pound, though). <P>Yes, it will be very, very hard for your friend to accept after the fact that this was going on while she was pregnant. But it can't compare to the abandonment and vulnerability and worry she will suffer if you tell her now. Not to mention the very real effects of post-partum depression. <P>But -- should you tell her at all? Absolutely, once she is past the birth and recovery. I would want to be told. Fortunately my H's affair had only gone on for 1 month when I figured it out, so I don't have friends or family who knew and kept it a secret.

Animac;<BR>You just told my story, only difference was I lost 24 pounds from the time I found out and the time the baby was delivered and my H confessed after the first sexual encounter (he'd been meeting her for a month). We're 11 1/2 months into the rebuilding process now. <BR>I would want to know, but rather not ruin the memories of my child's birth. I remember very little about the birth of my child. How do I explain when she's older that I remember her siblings' births crystal clear and can't remember much of anything about hers?<BR>Guess I'll face that hurdle when I come to it....<p>[This message has been edited by Taz (edited October 15, 1999).]

I was plan A'ing through my pregnancy... I also experianced a low weight gain with my largest baby.. I could say Woopie I fit my jeans again 2 weeks after birth, but I would have opted for less stress and a few extra pounds...<P>I say wait to tell your friend untill her 6 week post partum checkup... Thats when the hormonal anxieties stop, and depression won't so easily sink in....<P>cozy

i agree with cozy.<BR>i iwas told at about 4 months, by my H, that he had been in love with OW and even living with her part time, ever since discovery in 7-98, when i assumed it had ended. <BR>i barely gained any weight (back in my pre preg jeans in 1! week hahahah), but the baby was a little small, and who knows how all those stress hormones affected her brain development?<BR>it's gonna be really bad news no matter when she hears it, so let her enjoy life for a few more weeks.

Agree with Annie, cozy, LWB and disagree (for once) with fighter. Do wait until after the birth to tell her. 6 weeks/postpartum might be OK. Make sure that she and the baby are doing OK. Plus think about the guilt you'd feel if you told her now and then something went wrong with her pregnancy/birth? What went wrong might not even be related to your telling her about H's affair, but I guarentee you'd still feel guilty as hell. But she does need to know eventually. Regards and blessings,<P>--Wex

Wex, buddy, it had to happen sonner or later. With this one, I look at it as 51/49 with 51 being telling now. No matter what, it is going to be a bad time. Unless health is at risk, I'm in favor of telling asap. I think thogh each case needs to be looked at individually. I still am concerned with her.<BR>

fighter - What can I say, my friend? You urged me to confront my W with the fact that I saw her and OM together, and I did, and still feel it was the right thing to do even though it's unleashed a major sh1t storm in our relationship. But in this case there are extenuating circumstances.... R & B,<P>--Wex

Okay, it's me again. Let me fill you in a little more. This friend of mine had a pretty rough time with this pregnancy at the beginning. She was sick all the time, and had to be hospitalized for dehydration. I have been asked by many of our friends not to tell her now. I think that is what I will wind up doing because I don't want to be the cause of something happening to the baby. What I might do is tell HIM that he has until the 6 week checkup to tell her himself. If he doesn't, than I will. That takes it off me a little bit.

A true friend would tell on both accounts. I'm not saying it would be easy, but it should be done.

A few weeks after the birth, show her the pictures proving the affair (obtained by yourself or through someone else).<P>Or, obtain pictures and confront the husband with them. "End your affair and get marital counseling together or the wife sees these pictures while she is still pregnant."<BR>

Wex, try tangible evidence. Recordings, pictures or anything else that cannot b denied. Saying that you saw them, just has her put up a bigger denial. <BR>Hurtone, IF THERE ARE HEALTH ISSUES DO NOT TELL. No sense in putting the pregancy in jeopardy.<BR>Cuckold, thats a little rough, almost like blackmail....