I originally posted in GQII of WW infidelity May 07. Married 13.5 yrs with three minor kids. I forgave WW last year and made the effort to reconcile but she would not be transparent and stop contact with OM.

I filed the D in Oct 07. WW did not respond to papers. It is STILL in the works in Cali. Meanwhile WW continued to see OM when I said the M was over.

Although we STILL live in marital home for now, WW seems to live like she is 'single' as she still has contact with OM. I pay ALL of the bills in the home while WW only pays for her car (in my name), cell phone and gym membership.

For me, I act like a single parent as I do everything for the kids - cook, clean, school functions, recreation (all without WW participation)

Mar 08 - WW became pregnant by OM but it had to be aborted (tubal). We give each other the silent treatment now.

While I am waiting for the D to go final, I am trying to get WW put out of marital home while I stay in it with parental custody of the three kids.

Economically WW has job making 24K part time, bad credit, minimal education -- I feel she would have a tough life economically speaking as I make about 4x her salary yet I am not proposing any spousal support to her.

My dilemma: I feel somewhat down as I find myself, on many occasions, imagining her despseration once the reality hits of actually trying to live on her own, yet I know I do not want her back because the baggage is too great for me to bear -- we are not even best friends!

Somebody help me make sense of these feelings! Why do I feel this way? I don't think I am giving up on the M too fast - do you?

Blue: Hang in there. I understand your feelings all too well. I believe that you should do everything you can do to save a marriage, but there comes a time when you have to realize that the other person has quit and you can't save it. At that point you have to protect yourself and your children.

I went through six months of trying to save my marriage after finding out about affair, then an ugly long divorce. One day I would hate my X and the next I felt sorry for him. It is so hard to have your life and dreams ripped away. It's even harder to watch someone you love self destruct. I still feel sorry for him sometimes, but I too could never take him back after all the lies and betrayals.

It will probably get worse for you before it gets better, but it will get better. There were some days when I just tried to survive the day so I could cry all night. My daughter later told me how much she admired that I kept going. I can honestly say that I'm happy now. Nothing like I expected at this point in my life, but good. I have a wonderful friends, a honest and caring boyfriend, and my daughter is an amazing young woman at West Point.

See if there is a DivorceCare class in your area. It was so helpful to me just to talk to people (that doesn't come easy for me) and know that I'm not the only one that feels a certain way.

Also, try not to stoop to her level for your kids sake. It can be very hard at times not to lash out and feel so good at the moment.

Most importantly, take care of yourself. You will be happy again, but you won't be the same. Take time to find your new identity as a single father. That doesn't mean jumping into dating (esp until divorce is final). But be open to new friends (esp other guys) and activities (esp with your children).

FBwidow,

Thanks for taking the time to read my post an provide feedback.
I will try to find a divorce care group in my area.

So, your daughter is on the Hudson -- great for her! I know you must be very proud (I was at Annapolis yrs ago).

I do believe I tried. I started in the GQ II thread last year and I also tried counseling with Steve Harley.

She has provided too many lies, denials, and independent behavior for me to try to invest again in this M.

In fact she still has phone contact and I am sure she still sees him. My kids even see the cell phone calls from OM and my WW comes home late many a night.

Frankly, I do not even care any more because I am done with this M. My focus now is on myself and the safety of the kids.

I will refrain from the dating scene for now as I am aware of 'triggers' in my life that has my stomach in knots at times.
Obtaining a new identity as a single father will be quite a task in and of itself.

It will get better when she's gone and you actually don't see her any more (or as minimally as possible). I still feel sorry for WstbX from time to time, and even once in a while I miss him. Not as a husband per se but as someone who has shared a great deal of my past and knows/knew me so well. But same as you, the lies and other shenanigans were too much. Definitely it has been better with him completely out of my life.

Tabby1,

Thanks for your response - I do believe more downtimes will come no doubt, but I do believe as you do that I will feel better with her out of my view.

I wish I could 'fast forward' to the point when we are in two separate dwelling places.

Bluenote,
Good to see you back on . Sorry that your WW is still in the house. I am glad to see that you are taking care of the Kids. One thing Blue your WW has a mind of her own and she is going to have to learn on her own. You have tried to show her the way home,but that is not what she wants. She will eat the fruit of her labour and will see what she had. Dont worry about her income, that is her problem. Yours is those great kids of yours and your health. You have to protect them and you from her. Do what you can, but if she wants her life style let her have it. There are times i still have triggers and it has been ten years. My youngest son just graduated High school and want to go to the mission field. I hope he does. I still cant look at my XW. I have been remarried to a great woman for 7 years now and things are good. You can Make it

AF

AF,

Good to hear from you

Glad all is well with your family. Just curious AF, how long was it before you started dating again after your D? I know I am not ready to do so just yet.

I plan to get me some counseling to deal with the triggers and learn who I am again as a soon to be divorced father.

The last thing I would want is to hinder my personal development.

You always give me hope with your posts

Thanks for responding and take care of yourself!

BlueNote,

It is called the "Emotional Roller Coaster". You are riding it like most of us have. One minute I would hate my WW, then I would love her, I would want her to go away, I would want her back. It was horrible and I honestly thought I was losing my mind.

What you are experiencing is 100% normal. It will be easier to cope with, and you will recover more quicklyand completely, if you work on yourself during this time. Go to a good therapist, take up hobbies, go to the gym, learn to be single. (Stay away from dating for a while).

You aren't going nuts... you are grieving.

Blue,
It over a year before i started dating. I was running from women. My kids were my first priority and how it would effect them. I would go out when they were with their mother. I worked on me for about a year to make sure i was ready to start letting some walls down. I work in a vary large church where there is a lot of single women, and most of them wanting a man REAL BAD.
Word got around that i was a husband that didnt cheat on my wife.
I would watch different ladies( they didnt know) to see how they would react in different situations
to see if they were putting up a FRONT around other people. My (now wife) was the same no matter where she was or who she was with. Very level headed woman. If she had a problem with me, She would talk to me about it with out yelling at me or putting me down. It is hard to believe that she is as young as she is. (I'm a lot older that her).

My wife is a big blessing we think alike and we have the same goals she is everything I could ever ask for and more.

There are times when it has been rough, not because of conflict between my wife and I, The XW(Kids Mother ) was trying to make it hard on me through the kids.

One thing that has help me alot is that my wife has agreed to do all the emails, phone calls etc for me when there has to be communication about the kids to the kids mother. So I have been in plan B for about two years now. It has helped me keep a right mind.

The kids mother doesnt like the fact that i will not talk to her and doesnt like to talk to my wife. But TO BAD.

At my son's grad party that i and my wife hosted my son wanted his mother's side of the family there so we did it for him (i didnt like it but did it for him).I didnt say any thing to her all night. She complained to my sister that i wouldn't talk to her. My sister said that I was happy with my wife and didnt need to talk to her, so she needed to get on with her life. She needed to be happy with her husband#3.

I am sorry for rambling.

I made sure that i was just friends with my wife first, Took alot of time. I would not let the physical get in. No hand holding, kissing, nothing. for a long time even though i had been married before i didnt want the physical to fog me out to making another bad mistake because i was lonely.

You are a strong man that loves your Kids very much, and have done every thing to save your marriage. A marriage doesnt work with one working it.

I am still praying for you

Blessings

AF

BHINWI - Thanks for making me feel somewhat sane! I plan to do exactly what you said above - work on myself, get a therapist, and re-learn what it means to be single again. My kids will also keep me busy with recreational activities.

I am also going to participate in a divorce support group next week for several weeks.

I will stay away from the dating scene for sure (I am definitely gun shy with women and I feel like I would be cheating (like my WW) to even have coffee with a female at this point.

Thanks again.

AF,

Your post was not rambling - it was real informative. Thanks for the information.

It will serve as a great example for me to follow and keep myself grounded.

I work in my ministry at my church and I know there are other divorced women there - nevertheless - I am trusting that God will bring the right person at the right time.

I am not seeking anything at this point but some healing and assess my M and how I came to choose as I did.

Take care!

Blue,
I read a lot of books to help me get though the pain and to make sure i was a better person. I have all of Dr. Harleys and about 40 or 50 books from other authors.

My wife runs our church book store and she has let me recommend some other books to put in the bookstore. Alot of the books beat me up real good but it made good changes in my life.

I go back and read a lot of them about once a year to make sure i say on track. email me if you want to know the names of the other books. email is in my profile.

AF

Bluenote, are you documenting your wife's phone calls and late nights and any visits you can verify? That should help when it comes time to settle custody.

Did you ever expose the affair?

Blue,

My advice comes to you from experience! It was horrible but I got through it.

What divorce support group are you going to? I went to divorcecare.org 3 times and it helped tremendously. It is Christian based but even if you don't have beliefs in God, it will still help you. Their advice is right on the mark. And, it helps to make new friends (same sex friends) there also. I have a buddy that I met there and we call to chat about once a week. (Turns out, I work with his X! Small world...)

The reason you shouldn't date is because betrayed spouses tend to date to validate themselves, because they are lonely, to get back at their X's, because they are hurt, etc. None of those issues are anything you want to bring into a relationship. And something else to keep in mind, you will probably be atracted to someone with the same emotional state you are in. (A recipe for disaster my friend...)

Things that helped me:
1. Exercise (tons of it). I am in the best shape of my life and I am 46.

2. Read... Read books on coping with divorce, grieving, etc. I also read books on what men want in a relationship and read a good book on what women want.

3. Long walks... I have found a long evening walk clears my mind.

4. Do things that couples do but do them alone. Go out to dinner alone. Go to a movie alone. Take a vacation alone. It is really hard a first but it will make you stronger.

5. Take up new hobbies or concentrate on new ones. I have so many hobbies now I don't know which one to pursue.

6. Have someone you can count on to talk to. Man... talking to my friends really helped.

7. Seperate the things you have no control (your WW) over from the things you do (you).

I think you get the picture... do positive things for YOU! Don't drink, don't scream at the X, don't try beating up her boyfriend (I almost did that one!).

AF,

I will definitely email you for some of the best recommended books on your list.

Right now, I am reading "Boundaries" by Dr Henry Cloud and Dr. Townsend. The information is helpful right now.

Thanks again,

BN

Cat,

You are on track with this.

I have been documenting her outings as I do anticipate a custody battle ensuing.

I expose the affair in a big way -- to her family and close friends.

I even secretly arranged with OMW to have OM and my wife at my house with all four of us there to bring the A out in the open. OM did not even have the nerve to stand up for his W.

It was really something. Its all in my thread over in GQII under the infidelity section.

Occassionally, I see OM's car in town or we ran into each other at the same barber one day. It took God's common sense in me and the presence of my young son to not get up and clocl OM in the face.

BHINWI - I will take your info to heart!

Simply coming back to MB also makes me feel better to speak to you all who have already travelled the road I am now travelling on.

I am going to attend DivorceCare (starts 26 June). I called them yesterday while at work. I am looking forward to attending. I am Christian and I do believe in God.

I also believe God places good people like you all in my path to protect me from my own self-destruction by warning me to not do the things you have listed.

In fact, I will take this list and print it out as a reminder.

Thanks again for the response

AF - I have about 6-8 of Dr Harley's books, interestingly enough, WW has them on her bookshelf in the master bedroom where she sleeps.

The books are probably more for decoration than information.

I AM interested in some of the best books of your list that you have read. I did not see your e-mail. See if you can view mine and recommend some good ones.

Honestly speaking, as I look back on my life and conduct self-inspection, I think I could safely say that I would classify myself as a "rescuer of others".

I'm sorry to hear that the D is still dragging on. I guarantee that you will feel much better when you don't have to deal with your WW on a day-to-day basis. How are things going in the divorce? I know California isn't a very male and father friendly state, so how do things look for you D-wise? I saw that you proposed no spousal support. Do you think that will actually happen? What about the chances of you getting primary custody? When will the D go through? What is holding it up?

I know you tried you best to save your marriage. Don't beat yourself up over it. The kids will know you did everything you could. It's your WW that is destroying the family, not you.

Just keep is informed on how things are going.

Jim,

You are right - Cali is really tough on us males. I filed a default D (Oct 07) since my WW did not respond to it.

I proposed to buy her out of her share of equity, pay all the marital debt (~$60K) except her car note, a little less than half my retirement (for her ~$66K), "write off" her share of debt since separation although we are in the same house, and provide her $25K at settlement.

I am also aking for 80% custody with kids living with me in the marital home.

WW simply needs to take care of her own living expenses and her car note - that's it. She only makes $24K part time (postal carrier), but she can work more hrs.

Despite the above, I know my WW will fight me on this because (i fell) she wants as much money as she can have to walk away with to set up a new residence

I have been through 2 lawyers before I landed on my 3rd. I am trying to recoup money from my last lawyer who could not even submit paperwork properly to the court - the court kept rejecting my paperwork for incompleteness or inaccuracies.

I am praying for a "miracle"!

Thanks for the post Jim!