I was a SAHM and my exH is married to OW and they have an OC w/another on the way. She doesn't work.

I have a new career and a great BF, but it is SOO hard. My house is a mess and I just feel overwhelmed sometimes. I am supposed to be registering for classes in the fall to get a Masters and I don't really want to go. I am tired.

I saw OW yesterday and for some reason it really hit me this time. I am spending $$ on school, childcare etc. And she, the homewrecker just gets to do whatever she wants.

I have the best BF in the world but I am thinking of breaking up w/him just to get one thing off my plate. After all,relationships take time and I am stretched. My best girl friend thinks I am crazy for even considering such a move (I really do love the BF) but her life is a lot different from mine. She is single w/no $$ worries, no kids, etc.

Maybe some of you can relate.

Why do you have to break up with him? Is he a stressor in the relationship? Have you talked with him to slow things down?

How soon after your divorce did you start dating your BF? How long have you been dating?

He could be your "rebound relationship". It happens very often you know... unknowningly using someone to mask the pain of our divorce or relationship breakup.

I rebounded 1 1/2 years after my X left me. I thought I was ready and I wasn't at all. I met a wonderfully sweet and attractive woman and we fell for each other. What I did not know, is that I had lots of unresolved emotions from the divorce. (The biggest issue was I STILL loved my X and missed her). I really regret pulling an innocent victim (my former GF) into all the drama in my life at the time.

So yes, it is common to miss your old life. For me, I miss it some times but it is a fading memory. And given the number of times my x cheated, not a good memory.

It could be that your wanting to breakup with your BF is bringing back memories of your "old life". Keep in mind, that old life is not coming back so you need to work on your new life. And your new life doesn't need to have a BF in it. Do what is best for you.

I can't say I miss my old life. I don't. There were very few times that we were truly happy. Maybe I miss when we first met.

But I do get the part about money and such. I have had times of resentment that I have had to struggle these past 3 years to just keep a roof over our heads while ex moved in with ow, so had 2 incomes, has bought 3 different vehicles in that time, lap top computers, remodeled her house, etc, etc... basically can buy what he wants when he wants it. I have not had that luxury.

I am tired too. My house, well, something has to give. I take care of my 2 kids full time, work full time, take full time classes. I have ZERO time to keep up on my house which drives me nuts because I like it to look nice. As I pack up my house ALONE AND WITHOUT HELP, I get discouraged. It is hard to pack, to get rid of what we don't need, do all of this by myself. When ex and ow moved, they had each other to help pack and move. And he didn't even have to talk stuff he didn't want, he just left it here!

The life I would like to have? I want a freakin break to be honest. I would LOVE to be a SAHM. I would have a little side business from home, have another child or 2, and dedicate more time to my singing and church. That is actually what I pray for. A wonderful man who will not have a problem with me staying home for awhile. I think I have earned it!

Starvin, why not skip the Masters right now? You can always go to school when the kids are older.

I have my kids do a lot around the house. I make sure they know there are reasons. First, in a family, everyone contributes. Second, we can't afford a maid service unless they want to give up everything else. Third, it's my job to make sure they learn how to do the chores so that they can function as adults with their own home. Fourth, if they help, then maybe we'll have time for something fun.

My house is often a mess. I just give myself permission to NOT live up to my mother's standards of housekeeping. It's hard, but it's important.

Thank you everyone. When I finally decided to end the marriage after several years of dealing w/WS, I had big plans to get a new career and do everything myself. Haha. Easier said than done.

Simply,

I know exactly what you mean...it's a lot more fun to work when you don't have to do it. I'd rather earn "extra" income for the family than "the income" for the family. Maybe I am not used to it yet. And you are right, as my friends also pointed out today, saying I miss my old life isn't the correct phrase..I miss the financial stability and that's just something I'll have to get used to.

Did talk w/BF today...he's so easy to talk to. Thanks to him, my friends and you, I'll get through it. Sometimes it's easy to forget all we have to be thankful for.

GG,

I may take your advice and wait one semester before I sign up for any more classes. I have spent a lot of time in school the last year or two and maybe a break would be refreshing. There is one course I could take online so that's an option.

Feeling much better now.

Thanks for sharing BHINW. I am not in love w/exh any more. BF and I have been dating over a year but we have known each well for a long time. It's just that w/work and kids, sometimes it's hard to make room for a BF. He is my first serious one though since the D (ExH left for good in 2004).

Starvin, aren't you getting child support?

You know, actually you have MORE financial stability now than before. Why? Becuase you are in control. Imagine you were married to the jerk and he hid the assets overseas. THere it goes. Or that he got run over by a truck and he hadn't paid the life insurance bill--no financial security there. 'Course it may be easy for me to say this since my X was a liability on the Balance Sheet.

Also, consider when you're busiest time of year is. For me, it's the spring/summertime. I garden and that takes time. Plus, I do the lawn myself, at least 3 hours a week of work there. So, I'd be nuts to take classes during the summer. Winter is better. We get snow, but not so much that I'm shoveling snow for 6 hours a week, but the girls are busier during the winter.

When I finished my degree, I was amazed at how much time 4 classes takes.

Be kind to yourself. There's only one.

I don't miss that vile, hateful harpy of a demon XW.

I DO miss my family. I miss Christmas, birthdays and vacations.

I miss taking SS hunting and teaching him how to drive. I will miss his graduation.

I will hate the OM until my last breath for taking all of that from me, just to toss WW to one side when the kitchen got too hot.

Since I am still in the midst of my marital mess... I can say this. That I will not miss this life when it is gone. Now I know that and I wish I had opened my eyes before my WH could put on the blame on me.

However, I will miss my WH's family. They were always so kind to me and still are. Sadly, they know what they have in a son....

I will miss our vacations together, it's the only time my WH didn't ditch me to go out and get drunk with his friends. And imagine, we actually had really good times.

Other than that... I dunno. I think my life will be easier and better and healthier.

Hindsight is always 20/20.

Yes and no. In reality, my life is FAR better now. I can do what I want without worrying about what WstbxH is going to think or asking permission or whatever. My finances are in better shape than they were without him draining the account. I don't have to put up with him (or anyone) constantly blaming me and critisizing me all the time. I can actually feel good about myself without feeling guilty.

But there are those moments when I do miss having someone around. Most of the time they are fairly specific - like when the bathtub clogged and I couldn't fix it and had to call a plumber etc. Once I actually do take care of it I feel great but while it's happening I wish he was around. Does that make sense?

And sometimes I just feel lonely and wish I was important to someone. Of course, I was never important to him anyway - it was just an illusion. And I survived all those years WITH his nagging, verbal abuse, and constant blame. So really I'm not missing anything.

You are all right. I don't miss walking on eggshells or having to deal w/ExH. My yard looks better than it ever looked when ExH was around. I have my own rules for the kids and the list goes on and on.

And Tabby, my ExH never fixed anything around here...my BF and pretty much any of the male friends I've made since the marriage ended are very helpful in that regard.

And yes GG, I do get child support and am currently receiving alimony. I could make ends meet now w/out a FT job but I figured I'd better prepare myself for when the alimony runs out so I got a job and went back to school.

I was feeling sorry for myself yesterday, and lost sight of the big picture. In actuality, I am doing OK. All of us on here are. I am a more interesting person than I was when I was taking care of little kids while my H was running around.

I forgot Pariah. Your post made me so sad. You'll have to find peace in the fact that you set a solid example for your SS while you could. Hopefully some if it will stick.

I do not miss STBXH at all.

Now that I have stepped back to look at our relationship/marriage, I came to realize that he was very abusive (mentally) His temper was always out of control, and it was like walking on eggshells at times.

He was a lying, manipulative, arrogant creep. If I saw him the way the rest of the world did, I would have never bothered with someone such as him.

I think that is why I have found it easy to just walk away. He is a creep, through and through.

I am currently in a very loving relationship, and could not be any happier!

I'm with Tabby1. What I miss was actually an illusion. The illusion that my spouse loved and cared about me. So do I 'miss' that? Yes, but can you really miss something that didn't actually exist.

The financial aspect is certainly frustrating, because it is tougher to live on one salary than two. But there are far more things I don't miss. Mainly STBXW's criticisms and negative judgments. Sometimes I can still hear them in my mind as the day plays out. The financial support would not be worth putting up with that again.

I am also haunted by Wstbx's criticisms and disrespectful judgements but it has taken a different twist. When I "hear" him slam something I just did/didn't do, I almost want to do/not do it on purpose - because I CAN!

Financially things worked out better for me. In my search for evidence of the duration of the A, I discovered how much money he'd really be taking from the joint account. It was shocking. I now have more money without his salary than I did with it and him siphoning the account. However, I do admit it's a bit scary since my income is the only income and if something were to happen, there's nothing else there. I also worry about my car - having only one car with over 200K on the odometer when you commute 75 km each way is a little unnerving. I can't afford to buy a car until next year when DS finishes college and I don't have to pay any more tuition. Cross your fingers that it holds together until then.

I got another financial bonus this month. I just reached the end of my first year with my name on the electric bill. My new equal billing amount is going down by 1/2. It turns out that I'm using 1/2 the electricity that I was when Wstbx lived here. Now, I've had a roommate almost since the beginning and before that I was looking after my mom so there have been very few days when I was the sole resident of the house. My roommate uses lights, her TV, computer, the washer and drier etc and is home even more than he ever was. And I've actually increased (decreased?) the AC (Wstbx used to always shut it off). The difference - his *@^%&!! home entertainment system with 50-ish inch flat screen TV that was on ALL THE TIME!!! I can't tell you how many times he screamed at me to turn off lights etc., and here with ONE SYSTEM was using as much electricity as everything else in the house!!!

For a last laugh - found out from OWH that Wstbx just bought an even bigger TV for the love nest.

Financially, I'm doing better than I ever have, even more than our incomes were combined. She wouldn't even have to work at all now and we'd still be able to afford the place we had at the beach. However, she'd be down there every waking moment doing godknowswhat with godknowswho as far as I'm concerned now.

The money doesn't make up for the loss of my family or as posted earlier, the illusion of family.

I can feel exactly what Pariah said. The holidays and the vacations are the times I really notice anything.

I just now did my first summer vacation with the kids/my family. We have gone to the same beach for past 12 years. So many memories, all good ones. It was really hard and I am glad it's over.

Sometimes, I just wish I had the capacity to hate her and it would make it so much easier

I miss my EW and the relationship, marriaage and love we shared. I miss the feeling of growing old with her and experiencing new things together. I miss holding her and loving her and everything about her and the way we use to be. Rock bottom it is.

I miss having someone to cuddle w/ at night. I miss the money. I miss having help at home. I miss the travel.

I don't miss the stress. I don't miss the way he talked to me. I don't miss the disapproval. I don't miss his anger.

I wouldn't have him back on a silver tray with an apple in his mouth.

ezb, are you divorced or in the process of divorce? I thought you were still married.