My W had sex with another man 2 months after she asked me for a divorce. She had paid for a divorce via some shady looking website and had filled her half of the paper work within 2 weeks of asking for the D. I procrastinated with my half up until about the time she had sex with the OM. 1 month after it happened she confessed to me and said she still loved me and wanted to make things work if I could find it in my heart to take her back. This was only a few hours before I had planned on dropping off my paperwork with my attorney.

The part that confuses me is that to my knowledge, her and the OM were nothing more than chat buddies up until I moved out the day she asked for a D. He lives about 1000 miles away. We both agree that our marriage was broken months before she started chatting with the OM. We had talked about a divorce on more than 1 occasion. I even think that had the OM not been in her life, with out some major change, things still would have ended in her asking for a D. We had a very harsh break up and for the first month all we did was argue if we talked at all. I kept begging her to reconsider and the more I pushed her to come back the more she pushed me away. When she pushed me away harder I lashed out pushing her even farther away. After about a month I had pretty well given up and stopped trying to call her. By all accounts our marriage was over. I still hadn't done my half of the paperwork. About a month later (around the time that "it" happened) I told her I would just go get a lawyer and do the divorce the "right" way.

Everything changed then. She started calling me about every night and I tried my hardest to just be nice to her. Over the next month we became friends again and just before I was going to go meet with my attorney to start the divorce rolling she told me everything that had happened and said that she felt terrible and cried for weeks about how guilty she felt and how she never meant for "it" to happen but she was all alone and she felt like he was all she had. He was supposed to just visit as a friend but things got crazy and now she feels like a whore and a slut and all of this other stuff. She said she still loved me and since we have been talking on friendly terms she realized that the person she married was still alive and well inside of me and she wanted that person back .

....


I don't even know if it matters but I guess my question was going to be does that count as an affair? The obvious answer is yes as I think that is how the law would see it but I have never been the most law abiding citizen. I have asked a few people whom I consider to be morally sound and I have gotten mixed answers. I read some of the stories on these boards of PA's lasting months and years and happening in the house while the BS's are convinced that the WS is happily married and I just feel like she was convinced that I was not the right man for her and I have to admit that neither of us were ourselves at that point. Things were about as broken as they could be and we were equally at fault.

Maybe there is no answer to that question and maybe it doesn't matter. I have come to a point where I have accepted that for about 5 months my W stopped loving me and turned into this mean person who blamed me for everything and just wanted to get as far away from me as possible. I think maybe she had come to the same concussion about me although I would disagree as I never wanted to go through with the D and certainly did not sleep with anybody. Then again I am not nearly as physically attractive as she is and there was nobody at my door step offering to make me feel good about myself. Maybe I would have, if there were ever a time that I needed it, that was the time.

In closing, I guess I have no question, I love my W and I know she loves me and we are getting better at meeting each others EN's, we are pretty early in the recovery process. Going on month 3 and in SAA it says recovery can take years. We both drop the ball and LB on occasion but we both are more receptive to each other's feelings. I think we both want the same thing for our future.

Wish me luck.

The answer to your question is your wife is a WW.
She had an EA before you moved out.
Then WW turned into a PA.
This relationship happened before you were divorced.
The length of time the A lasted.
The number of times there was SF.
Does not matter.
It was an affair.
This is why spouses must not date untill the ink has dried.
How much easier would recovery be if the relationship with the OM would of stopped at EA.

Even when people have been dating long term and were serious have to wait 1 year before they date again.
Time to heal and get over their BF/GF.

For they face the problem if they want to get back together now there is the additional baggage of who dated and had SF.
They weren't married but the revelation of an OP hurts as much
as if they had been married.

What is important?
Only what you chose to make important.
If you want to recover your marrige and can work past that your WW had an affair that is all that is important.

I know she is/was wayward as I have it in my signature. Perhaps I should have been more specific, I don't question the EA. I questioned whether or not the question of the PA even matters. I am half way through reading SAA and I am starting to realize that I can't expect her to repeatedly relive the guilt she feels. Just the thought of what happened with the OM seems to make her want to vomit. Regardless of what "it" is called I think I share all the same emotions as the people used as examples in that book. Until I read it, I felt like I was entitled to an apology anytime I wanted one, I felt like I was entitled to make her feel guilty and tell me about it in some sort of groveling fashion but I think I have come to the conclusion that something sh*tty happened and I simply have to get over it. I can't deposit love units if I am dwelling on things that can not be changed or taken back. I don't blame myself for her actions but I did contribute plenty to our marriage being broken prior to the EA. She hasn't forced me to relive my past mistakes. I don't think she should have to relive it either. She beats herself up over it enough as it is.

After 1.5 years of M, your M was so bad that you were both about to go through with a D? Why do you think it would be better now, now that you've got her infidelity to deal with as well?

You have a good point. If WW is being transparent, has NC, and answered all of your questions. Then it's time to work on recovery. If it's your choice.

You realized that you can not constantly beat up your WW for the affair. Though do not confuse it with you still having triggers. Or the need to ask questions if they arise.

We were practically married for 5 years, just never made it official until the last 1.5 years. We lived together, shared finances and did both families on every holiday. I don't know if it will end up better to be completely honest. I hope it will and I am putting in the work to make it better. She seems to want to put in the work as well. To be honest, we communicate better now than we ever have. We spend more time together and give each other more UA than we have since we were dating. I guess it is just hard for me to walk away, we have been friends since high school and been together since college. So much history. I still love her. Maybe that makes me weak or something but I can't help it.

"I questioned whether or not the question of the PA even matters."

Lefty,

The only one that it should matter to is you.

There is no measuring tape or ruler that qualifies what is and what is not an A.

Some betrayed spouses go very far off the deep end if there is an EA.

Now I, with movies in my head of my wife and OM in different motel rooms all day long, off and on for two years, can only wish it was an EA with her OM.

There is one lady here whose husband choked his chicken a couple of times while THINKING of other women, and she is ready to divorce the guy.

The EVENT that occurred is in the past. Your future with your wife is what should be concentrated on, so I agree with you that whatever it was, should it even matter now?

NO it should not...in your perfect world. I say perfect because it is up to you.

And you my friend, if you can get past the obsessing of it, will be the better for it.

IMHO

kirk