One of my worst fears is to tell my son that i'm not his biological father. Do I even tell him this or just keep it from him? he is two now and i have no idea what i will do when that time comes heck i don't even know when that time will be. I'm scared that he will want to go out and find his real daddy and want to live with him and then there is the part about how this all happened how do i explain this to him. If any one can help me with this i would greatly appreciate it.

Thanks
DRO

DRO before I begin I am a fow w/oc.

If I were you and your wife I would seek counseling regarding this matter.

I believe that at some point he should know but if you have no intentions of involving xom I don't know when the best age is to tell. That is why I suggest a counseler. That is what I did.

Your son well you are all he knows. When he is older he may want to seek out his real father, but I seriously doubt that anyone can take your place.

I know some will disagree with me, but what if a medical emergercy happened? He should know.

As far as what your wife did......you are in the process of forgiving her. You love her. It's good to teach kids about forgiviness. This by far is one of the biggest forms to forgive. Your wife is proving to be the wife you deserve as well. Does that make sense to you?

Ultimatly it is a decission that you and your wife make together if you ever tell or not tell. There have been different people here with simular sitch's but have all choosen a slightly different path that was best for them.

I think your xom has extended the time though that he can even claim your son.

I wish you luck while trying to go through all this and figure it all out. Again, this is just mho....I'm, sure others will pipe in that have actually experienced what you excatly are going through.

DRO,

I am so sorry you are going through this. It must be like dday all over again. If you and your FWW are in recovery, you owe it to your M to be honest with her about triggers and how you are feeling. Let her help you and comfort you. I think it is lovely you want to have another child with her but remember that this should not be the only reason to bring a child into the world.

As for telling your son the truth? I agree with Mary that a really good family counselor can help walk you and your W through this.

God bless.

Telling your son how this happened is your beautiful story of reconcilliation and forgiveness. It is sharing with him that his mother made a mistake, but you loved both her and him enough to stay married and raise him as your own.

dro,i know this is a hyge shock and it is easy for me to say but breath brother, breath, 3 deep ones.

i want you to really try and relax about when you and your w eventually tell your son the truth. i agree that the 2 of you need a good fc to prepare yourselves for that day. also if you allow this to eat at you eventually YOUR son will pick up that something is not right

i say do not fear that your son will want to find his bio as he ages. my quess is that you have about 13 - 15 more years before that even comes into play. also i am betting that because of the type of person and daddy you are he will never care for anyone else to be his dad. blood, dna or anything else.

although the dna stuff may be helpful in case of some medical emergency. with today's medical technology this will not be much of an issue. i feel the only thing that may come into play would be if when he is old enough to have children of his own he might have found the 1 in 4 million gf that is his 1/2 sister.

i also think that you and your w need a good mc to help process this bombshell that has just been dropped on your marriage. and a good family attorney to make sure you know all the legal aspects for your state reguarding this situation.

i know you want a child with your own dna but i say wait until you and your w have gotten a good handle on this latest news. get some solid ground back under your marriage before having more kids.

it is not that you will not love the new one(s)(never know twins happen) but the child will not repair the hurt you are feeling. that is going to take some real hard work from the both of you.

i started having visitstation with my oldest boy(now 33) when he was about 20 months. i was as regular as clockwork except when his mom refused me visits. long story for another time.

short story....our little grace (6yo) is with her bio for fathers day. she had made something at school, as all kindergardneers do, for her daddy for fathers day. i assumed she would give it to her bio. when i dropped her at adycare on fri afternoon so om could pick her up she asked me not to open her backpack cause she wants to give me something on sunday when she comes home.

point being is if you are a true daddy to this little critter, YOU WILL BE DADDY to him for the rest of his life.

3 more deep breaths and go play some ball with him.

I personally don't think that children can deal with this in a healthy way until they are at least 20-22 years old. I have a D17 - a very mature one - and it would destroy her. Because she is in the middle of determining her 'self'. Let your child determine that self first, and when he is older, sit him down and explain it. Don't let the issue become part of who they are. Until they're older.

pops,

Thank you for all your support and wisdom. before i found D-day i never wanted to have a kid mostly cause it always felt like there was something wrong. After d-day as silly as it may sound it felt after all the pain of course i felt a little relief because now i knew. it hurt like h*ll but i still knew. i wasnt to have another one not only cause of DNA reasons because no matter what a piece of paper tells me my lil boy is my lil boy. but i also just want another one i've always love kids. other than the obvious i dont have that feeling that something is wrong all the time. i dunno if this makes any sense or not. either way i will be taken yours and a whole bucnd of other peoples advice and check into getting a family counselor and/or a marriage counselor. if your thinking why haven't i done this already. the reason is that for the most part i dont trust them. reasoning behind that is way back when, like back in 05 when we first started having our issues we went to a marriage counselor on base and he pretty much told me that i am a jealous, paronoid man and that she is not cheating on me that i should letter have her space cause she is an adult or something or other. Well needless to say about 3 years later i find out i was right all along. sorry i talked for so long i appreciate the help though.

Thanks
DRO

catperson,

that is also why i dont know if i should even tell him. i dont want it to affect him in a negative way.

I urge you to read up some on child psychology. Learn about how kids develop their personality and their psyche and their self-worth, all that stuff. It is VERY powerful stuff. Basically, what you experience the first 18 years determines nearly everything you do for the next 50 years. Be very careful.

>>>>>>>>other than the obvious i dont have that feeling that something is wrong all the time. i dunno if this makes any sense or not>>>>>>>>

i understand. does this make any sense to you now?

the truth shall set you free

i have no doubts about you loving kids. my only concern is that you and your w are on solid ground after this unexpected discovery.

if the concrete has dried and set then go for it. heck have 8. i did. actually i don't recommend 8. 2,3, maybe 4 would be fine.

you said you are worried and consider never telling your son. i think you have to play this all by ear.

for some kids not living with a bio parent, they never question it and never have any inclination to search out a bio parent.

but there are some who are just curious. if your son turns out to be one of these then you will have to consider seriously being honest with him.

my personal thought is that we parents have to be honest with our kids always. our children need to learn that sometimes it hurts to tell and hear the truth. but always the truth is the best and only way to go.

think of it this way. say you don't tell your son about his bio dad and he has some curiousity. for what ever reason. maybe he has blue eyes and you next 7 children have brown. when he finds out the truth he has 2 avenues to take.

1st is he doesn't care and life goes on. no harm no foul.

2nd he does get angry because now his whole life has been a lie in HIS eyes. yellow flag , 15 yards and lose of down. everyone involved will be hurt.

this type of hurt can be very devasting to all those relationships involved.

here's a 1st time revalation from me. when my dad met my mom they fell in love. then he went off with the army to france.

while he was gone my mom dated an old bf and he joined the navy.

just before he shipped out they got married. mom realised that she had made a mistake and sent him a letter saying she wanted to divorce when he returned

my dad returned home 1st and he and mom went out. what do you think happened? my older brother was conceived.

on the b cert my brother had mom's h's last name. they never officially changed his last name.

navy guy came home, they divorced, mom and dad married and remained so until her death 25 years later. the rest is history.

why is tis important? when i was about 16/17 i was looking for my b cert and found all of them (3). when i saw the last names i was very upset/hurt that this was kept secret from me for so long.

as for the right age. i guess you will know that when the time is right. could be 15, 17, 19, 21 who knows? your w and you will by the relatiohship you have with your son.

>>>>>>>>>>>marriage counselor on base and he pretty much told me that i am a jealous, paronoid man and that she is not cheating on me that i should letter have her space cause she is an adult or something or other.>>>>>>>>>

sounds like we had the same guy. when w was 1st starting her EA i was afraid she was on the verge of it turn to PA. we went to counseling. he told me virtually the same thing. he said i was the dog chasing the rabbit. the faster i run the fsater she will run away. so i stopped following her that next week and sure enough within 5 days she dropped her britches. she had no more worries about looking over her shoulder and thought she could now get away with something.

BUT there are some good ones out there. good luck.

My situation is that my biological father was in prison. I finally got to meet when I was 7 before my mother moved us out of the state.

My mother remarried to an awesome guy whom turned into a great stepfather.

At the age of 17, I finally decided I wanted to meet my biological father. My dad was horrified and got angry. I felt bad because it was nothing personal, I just wanted to see the man that was my biological father. I lived with him for about a year and we developed a friendship. I will say he was absolutely no role model.

I'm not sure if I did the right thing or not by inviting him to my first wedding. My stepdad didn't go because he was hurt.

He moved back to Phoenix, got back involved in drugs, and I haven't spoken to him in years because I have no idea how to get a hold of him. My number hasn't changed. I figure if he's alive and wants to talk to me he'll call. The last time I spoke with him, he was living in the house he was remodeling for a guy and using a pre-paid cell phone.

I think your kiddo deserves to know the truth. I think 2 is way too young though.

DRO,

Just be a loving dad - you don't have to compete with loser-OM.

My dad wasn't the most loving or wonderful father - but my loyalties are with him - not the OM who I frequently refer to as the impostor in my family.

I found out only because I was also witness to the on-going 8 year affair - as a toddler. I finally confronted my mother about the memories that she tried to put down as fantasies. This was when I was 25 or so. I don't think I ever needed to be told about the bio parent thing my mother thought was real. I'm the daughter of the man who raised me, period.

For you, where the affair is out in the open, work to heal your marriage. Psychologists would recommend waiting until age appropriate - as you teach him values like fidelity, forgiveness, repentance, etc. Make sure his identity is firmly set - that he knows who he is as a person. Otherwise, revelation about OM creates confusion. I knew who I was by the time my mother finally came clean with me. I felt that confusion for only about a few weeks. But my mother and I had a hard time recovering our closeness for about three years. It was the nature of the individual situation that caused this, not the fact that I finally knew the truth.

If you and your wife share this with him together - he will already know that you have loved him and cared for him as any father would.

You'll know when it's the right time.

kaylaandy, did your dad find out that his wife cheated on him?

Yes.

DNA doesn't alway MEAN family...

kilted,

I want to tell him its not going to be now i think its going to be later on like around 17 to 21. but when/if he tries to find him that will kill me inside cause i know how i think and i'll probably think it was cause i wasn't a good dad to him. But yes i do think he deserves to know the truth too.

Thanks for your help
DRO

KaylaAndy,

I know i don;t have to but at the same time i don't ever want to give my son any reason to go and seek out this b*stard that jacked up my family. sorry if i offened anyone i just hate when i think of him. But i will do my best to be a very loving dad and let him know what i am his daddy, father and that nothing will change that. Thank you for your encouragement.
and i'll have to just keep praying to know when the right time is.

Thanks
DRO

Pops,

>>>>>>>sounds like we had the same guy. <<<<<<

Yea my more basic instincts wanted to go back and tell the guy see you have no idea what you were talking about and rub it into his face, just cause i was so angry. But i'm proud to say that i didn't.

>>>>my only concern is that you and your w are on solid ground after this unexpected discovery.<<<<

I understand what you mean. But i believe i think we are doing pretty good.i don't know how but by some grace of God i love her now more than ever, which confuses me a lil because i figuered that if anything like this ever happened to me i would actually hate her. but its funny how life turns out sometimes. I just want to be able to keep that momemtum up and keep moving foward.

Thanks again for all your words of wisdom pops,
DRO

>>>>>>>sounds like we had the same guy. <<<<<<

Yea my more basic instincts wanted to go back and tell the guy see you have no idea what you were talking about and rub it into his face, just cause i was so angry. But i'm proud to say that i didn't.

........crackin me up. great minds think alike i guess. i wanted to go back and tell that nitwit that if that was his best advice he needs to refund my $150 an hour on grounds of being a/an _________ . insert your own adjective.

my thinking is that by the time your little guy is old enough to start asking questions or for you to tell him i think your hate will have mellowed with the time. you will always dispise him but you will find he isn't worth the time or energy to hate him.

DRO,

Want my bet??? I bet that by the time you tell him, you will realize that scum OM lost out big time. You will realize that you have been given a gift. Now when he reaches about 13 and your IQ starts to head toward room temperature numbers as is always the case with teenage boys and their fathers then you might reconsider.

Hang in there.

JL

I bet you're right, JL.

In fact, I KNOW you're right.