My DH & I are having a little disagreement that could snowball into a big argument. DH was deployed to the MidEast last year with the military. He returned last month. DH took two months off of work and will report back to work in July. We have a 9 year old son who had a VERY rough time when DH was gone. Our son is in the gifted program and was usually well behaved. Our son got into 5 fights in school while his dad was away. He stopped doing his homework and classwork. I spent more time in the principal's office this school year then I ever have.

Our son is now out of school for the summer and my DH wants me to put him in a summer program. I don't want to. I feel that he and his dad need to spend quality time together. Also, I don't feel that it is necessary to spend $1200 per month in child care (we also have a 1 year old that we pay over $700 per month for).

My DH said that he does not want to spend his time off "babysitting." He wants to spend his time doing whatever he wants to do. I just think that his attitude is selfish. I told him that I never question what I will do with my children when I am off...They stay home with me when I am off. I told my DH, he is YOUR SON...You don't babysit YOUR child. My DH got super sensitive saying that I should never question his loyalty and love for his children, etc. He feels like I am questioning his ability to be a father.

He blew my comment out of proportion. My DH spends time with our son (they play video games, go to the movies, stores, riding go carts, etc). But we are financially strapped and is is senseless to spend extra money unnecessarily. I work from home 2 days per week (Thurs & Fri), so he won't even have our son all week.

I attempted to compromise by checking into partime child care. We are tight financially and I don't see a need to spend money unnecessarily. I mean, my DH has been home for over a month now.

I am being selfish? I suspect that I will get different responses from men as opposed to women.

You are not selfish. You are desperately trying to repair some self-esteem issues for your son that are a direct result of being left fatherless for a year. Understandable.

I went through this with my ex H. After I left him, he re-enlisted in the military and was promptly sent overseas for TWO YEARS. It was devestating to our 2 young children. They both have a lot of emotional issues stemming from the divorce and then being fatherless for all of that time.

My H (now) and I got them both into counseling and it made a WORLD of difference. When my ex H returned home for good, he came to the counseling sessions with us. It was a great first step in the healing process for our kids.

I highly suggest you get your son into counseling to help him identify his feelings and learn that his dad leaving was NOT because of anything he did (kids tend to think this way). Be sure your H is supportive of it and attends some of the sessions. I think having a counselor telling your husband that his role as a father is much, much more than playing video games and tossing around the baseball, he will accept it more than if it was coming from "the wife". I know my ex hated it when I told him he needed to spend more time with the kids, but seemed to understand it better and accept it coming from a professional.

Good luck!

Gdar is right about the counseling, and I think you should explain to your H that if he truly loves his son, he will go WITH him to at least some of the sessions, so your son will have a safe place to tell his father what he's feeling.

I think you should tell your H that he can plan to have 2 days 'off' a week from having to 'babysit' - the two days that you are working from home. Let him logic himself out of that one.

What did your H do in the Middle East? How bad was it for him? Was he in combat? Was he wounded or did he see his friends killed? How long was he over there?

Maybe he feels like he's earned a vacation of sorts. Maybe he needs counseling for what he experienced in the Middle East. Coming home is hard for lots of the guys. Maybe you should cut him some slack and let him get used to being home before you start in on him.

For what it's worth, I agree that your H needs to spend more time with your son. I think that both of you taking your son to counseling this summer would be a great idea. I just think you need to modify your approach somewhat. I can see where your H would get defensive.

Now there's a fine example of emotional blackmail. "If you really love me, you'll __________". "If you really love your son, you'll __________".

Sometimes I really miss the rolling eyes emoticon.

Well, I'm not stupid enough to think that someone would actually say it that way. But it's the gist of the point - that he needs to do it to help his son.

This might be interesting for a change of pace.

It is both humorous and instructive....


25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you