I didn't realize that I was supposed to be keeping to one thread until I read more on this site. I will keep to this one. If you'd like to know my history, you can go back and see my previous posts.

I no longer have a myspace page due to my vulnerability right now. I shouldn't be vulnerable. We are recovered. I lurk around on this site not really knowing why I seek out others' stories. What am I looking for? I find myself in pain still. Why? Maybe it's because of all that is going on right now. A new house, possibly a new job, thinking about more children...all these things should bring me excitement, and they do.

Maybe I am still too afraid to completely relax. I'm not stupid, you know.

But he has done everything in his power to gain my trust. And for the most part he has. But seeing how we came from a place of complete trust to a devastation I could never do justice with words...it's just indescribable. My pain is real today...maybe it is a dulled pain in comparison to the first D-day, but it is pain nonetheless.

I find that our marriage is still in trouble a bit...not because of him, but because of me.

We left our last church over a year ago and have been in search of a new church home. We were used to being VERY involved and at every service and more. And now...we are lucky to find a church that has more than 1 service a week. I feel that my relationship with Christ has diminished greatly. God still speaks to me and guides me, but I am so slow to seek out Scripture or pray. What is wrong with me? I also feel that this is a contributing factor to why I find myself noticing other men. I am so ashamed. Ashamed. Ashamed. That is a far too recognizable word in my world. I'm so tired of being shamed and feeling ashamed.

Where do I go from here? How do I express my heart when I don't even know it myself? I told my FWH about my feelings and struggles and asked his forgiveness. He hugged me and said that he prays for me. He said this is yet another consequence to what he has done. It doesn't have to be. Will we EVER get to a place of complete trust again? Will he ever be able to TOTALLY trust his spouse as well as himself? Will I?

I guess once my world was toppled by something so foreign and benign in my eyes, it seems that nothing will ever seem on firm footing again.

Annointed,

The fact that you are attracted to other men means perhaps that you are recognizing you made a choice and are thinking what if I made a different one?

Some of that is natural curiousity I think, and nature. Recognizing it and speaking to your FWH is great IMHO. Peggy Vaughn says that discussing this very thing will keep you from having A's.

On the religous front, I too struggle with a church, I was raised Catholic and raised my sons that way. We were very involved with our church and moved to a different state. We have since come back and found out that the priest was funding the new school they started by big lotteries, which never paid out $ to anyone, they were made up people! The motive was good, but it was still a betrayel and lying. He was removed and has charges against him. Plus all the other scandel, I was dissappointed in the church.

I hope you feel better!

Thank you so much for your encouragement! I guess that's right about wondering, "what if I'd made a different choice."

What's weird is I had a dream the other night where this gorgeous jock type wanted to be with me, and I was all for it. And then I suddenly realized that I was married, and oh no! having an affair (by accident!) Then I go through remorse and starting weighing whether or not I want to stay with my husband. I always end up deciding to stay with him, but I have this dream in different versions quite a bit.

I guess I just want to feel special. He really is wonderful to me. I just don't get it. Am I just unforgiving?

Oh, and btw, I'm in a menopausal state due to some medicine I'm taking, and it's waaaaaaay before time for that! So I'm trying not to take my emotions too seriously, but this isn't the first time I've felt this way...hormones or not.

Well I get that it is new to you, I would see a guy in a magazine, or TV/Movies, on the street and say hey that guys nice looking and that is all the thought I gave it in the past.

With my WH ever evolving A, I have thought more of other men, even been attracted to them, which I wasn't in the past. I think it is the A's that did it. I thought we were exclusive, at least we vowed we would be, and I took it seriously, he didn't.

I am not dead of course but I think if you don't allow your mind to go there, catch yourself at the earliest pt you can, then you don't leave it open to any possibilities. Don't humor yourself.

Do some opposite thinking, like if you are having those thoughts, think of your kids, anything really. Have a plan to think about XYZ instead of what you are, call a good friend just to talk, keep distracting yourself.

Hang in there...

Wow, from your signature, I can see that you have really experienced some major marital pain. I appreciate you taking the time to share with me. And I'm sorry for the repetitive violations to your spirit. Truly I am.

I don't even know where to begin.

"Everything's changed, and I want to believe
There must be a reason, there just has to be
Cause my faith is strong, till it all hits home
And it's not enough for me to trust
When it hurts too much

On the days I feel like I've failed you
The days I feel I've been failed
I need to praise You
For I am Yours, I'm Yours

Where is the power, to give what I gave
Give back the strength
Give back the faith I had yesterday
Cause you are my God
You are my Great I Am
And I know I have fallen but..
I have landed in healing hands

On the days I feel like I've failed you
The days I feel I've been failed
I need to praise You
For I am Yours, I'm Yours

And in my fraility, you lead me to something more
So I close my eyes, cause inside my heart
I believe, that I'm not alone
You'll always be there for me

On the days I feel like I've failed you
The days I feel I've been failed
I know that I need to praise You
For I am yours, still yours
Cause I believe you lead me to something more
Something more, something more..."

"Speak Peace" - Ginger Millermon

Caught up in a place
I thought I’d never be
Fear and isolation
Have got a hold on me
I struggle with the silence
Waiting desperately
Will you
Would you

Speak peace
Speak peace
Speak peace to me
I am weak
Oh, Jesus, speak
Speak peace to me

I don’t know how much longer
I can carry this pain
I need You more than ever
To get me through this thing
I’m past the point of breaking
It’s more than I can take
Will you

Speak peace
Speak peace
Speak peace to me
I am weak
Oh, Jesus, speak
Speak peace to me

Ok lets get the jist here, you have it all and you are whining.

Job got everything back and he was at least thankful.

You are in the absolute minority of those here and the whining is insulting to us who's spouses abandoned us.

I'm sorry Pariah. I really am.

I don't mean to be insulting. In my situation, I was never really able to express my hurt over it all because I didn't expose. I feel like we went through it alone, and now for some reason I'm just feeling all sorts of pain bubble up.

You are right. I should be grateful. I am grateful.

I just came here to express my heart.

You know, the more I talk myself through my feelings I find the following to be true:

We are now exiting the cacoon of recovery. We have blossomed our relationship into something beautiful (with flaws of course), and now it is time to see if it will stand up against the harsh, crashing, relentless waves of life's sea. Have we built something strong enough?

I think so.

I've been afraid, and now I'm growing more and more certain that the boundaries we have set and our continual focus on bettering ourselves and our marriage will be enough to see us through.

Thank You, God.

I've posted before about my struggles with temptation since D-day. And again, just the other day I was in training with the guy I'm attracted to at work. I told my husband he would be doing the training and to feel free to hold me accountable. I know part of this is just human nature, but part of this is because my husband opened the door to this by his actions 5 years ago. Now, I know it is up to me to shut the door. Why is it so hard sometimes?

There is also another man we have business dealings with that I'm attracted to. I haven't told my H about him. I will.

What is my deal???

And then on the way to work I started to think about things in a different light. If I think of these men as a brother (since it is my responsibility to bring others to Christ and ultimately become "siblings" in Him) then I find that my feelings are chased away. When I am more concerned about not condemning these men to burn in the flesh, I find that I need to look out for them by protecting my own marriage. That sounds backwards, but it makes sense to me.

And of course, I ought to love my H and myself enough to protect our marriage (not to mention love my God), but for some of us, sometimes it's easier to protect others from pain than it is to protect ourselves.

I'm working on self love, but really it doesn't come from self...it comes from Him.

I have the same feeling. Since my husband's EA last summer I started to notice when men were paying attention to me whereas I would have never cared before. I also started thinking about one of my ex's. But in visiting this site and understanding that maybe some of my emotional needs are not being met I understand I need to take the focus off the other men and focus on my husband and our relationship. Since I've started doing this our relationship is getting even better. We're starting a date night, something we've neglected (time with each other). I read somewhere "The grass is not greener on the other side. The grass is greener where you water."

This is so good, Ga615. Thank you for validating my feelings. Sometimes I feel like I'm crazy and so ungrateful. I mean, we survived!!

I know this too will pass as long as I focus on the marriage. Thank you for your encouragement.

You're welcome. We survive but I don't think we fully recover because there will always be reminders. Just today a woman I know and who knew my husband (without knowing anything about the EA) asked me if my husband was behaving. I felt terrible after that comment. I thought about how many people knew what my husband was capable of. Was I so blind? At one point I think we're doing great and then all it takes is one comment and I hate him. I don't even feel like going on our date night. I know I have to talk to him and tell him what I'm feeling and it's another hurdle we have to work through.

G

Wow, Ga. I'm sorry for your pain.

I am actually going on a very special date tonight, and it feels good. It does make me sad that a part of me seems always on guard. I was just thinking to myself, "I don't know that there is a single thing he can do more than he has already done to make me feel better." Now it is just up to me, and it's up to God to show me how to fully trust again.

Whenever we are first betrayed, it's like being transported into another universe. All that I thought I knew seemed foreign to me. So now, it is hard for me to get used to my current surroundings and circumstances because I know how quickly it all can change.

But I'm working on it. I'm working on looking at him in the eyes when we make love. I'm working on getting past the shame. I'm reading a book called "Shame Off You," and it's really good so far.

Ga, I know what you mean about wondering if other people recognized the bad character in my H before I did...it made me feel so foolish. To this day, when I look back at the times right after D-day I still have to fight off the thought, "I was so STUPID!"

Thanks for letting me vent. I actually feel better today. We went out for breakfast and had a good discussion. He didn't know I was on this site and he encouraged it. In my heart I know I can't hold against him what has been done and cannot be undone. I need to stay focused on the now and our future. And I can't let what other people say affect us because there are many people who are miserable and do not want to see a relationship working. I have to take responsibility in the damage I caused in our relationship and we've had discussions on how we both sabotaged our relationship - mostly because of how we were raised to handle conflict and emotions. I had parents who never talked or laughed with each other (even to this day). I don't blame or hold a grudge against my parents. I understand how they were raised. You are absolutely right that ultimately it is up to me in handling trusting him. I guess we take one day at a time. I'll have to take a look at the book - I like self-help books. I was a bring Oprah fan during her "change your life" series. It helped me get through working on myself during a time where I was starting to lose the person I was (I was so focused on motherhood and left my career).

It's always good to have those great days when the talk is open and honest. And you are right, Ga, many times people do not want to see a marriage succeed because misery loves company, right? It's important to surround yourself with people who are interested in helping save your marriage, and of course, it is essential to have those that will tell you the absolute truth (even when it hurts.)

Today...I'm feeling pretty good. Our date was extrememly special. He gave me a mixed CD of songs that played when we were dating in highschool. It was a treasure to me (us both I think!) We just listened in silence through the whole thing and reminisced. It was so nice.

Hope you are doing well today, Ga!

Isn't it wonderful when moments are shared that make you feel complete! For my birthday my husband gave me a gift card to a book store. It was a small thing but big to me because it was the first time he really thought about what I enjoy doing - instead of getting me typically jewelry or house gift.

I agree! We are moving closer together, and I've noticed we are both being pretty radically honest about things. Not to mention, we are both learning (mainly me) to let things roll off of our backs when we are upset. You know, we state the problem, what we'd like to see happen, and then drop it in expectation that the other will care about what was said. It's working pretty well. I've found that nagging my husband does absolutely NO good. It's a huge lovebuster for a man.

I state my case and leave him to mull it over, and believe or not, he does! I see that sometimes he even uses the same phrases I use when talking things over with friends or family members....then I KNOW he's listening to me. It's important to pick up on these little things and appreciate them.

I hope you are having a good morning, Ga.