My wife informed me on the morning of May 28 that she had slept with another man the preceding night. She had been coming home late and staying out all night at times since May 3. She says she was just out thinking during those times. I tend to believe that she was out with OM but did not actually do the deed until the night before she told me. She met OM at school.
She was the last person on earth that I would have expected this from. From what I have been reading that is part of the problem.

I should not have been so trusting.
She says she as not been happy for a couple of years and is tired of being the "good Christian wife and mother". We were married young - me 18 and her 17. November will have been 18 years of marriage, and we have 2 children DD 13 and DS 15. She also says that she has changed, and is tired of not doing what she wants to do and being the person she truly is. All of this came out of nowhere and she did not even give me or the marriage a chance.

She said that she slept with OM to end our marriage, and I totally threw her for a loop when I offered to forgive her and work on rebuilding our marriage and family. From this began a cycle of running off to be with OM and coming home.

Last Friday she took all her clothes and moved in with OM. She came over Saturday to talk with kids-which she never really did. I talked with her and assured her that I still loved her and that she still has a place in our home if she wishes to return. Monday morning I get a phone call saying that she could not sleep during the weekend and nearly had a nervous breakdown. She said it was over with OM and wanted to return. She told the kids she was coming home to stay. She brought her stuff home and I thought we were on our way to reconciliation. I told her she would need to right a NC letter and never see or speak with OM again.

Tuesday night she did not come home from school. Wednesday she gave me a letter saying that she cannot stay away from OM and that we must move on. Today she packed up and left again. I told her that I cannot make her stay, and that I still love her and she is welcome back when she wakes up out of fantasyland and it is totally over with OM if it is not too late by then. I also told her that we will try to get by as best as we can without her until she returns, and that the things I do are not out of spite but an attempt to bring reality to her and to protect me and the children. I told her this because I was planning on telling her employer and consulting with a lawyer about financial and custody issues. The A has already been exposed to her family. I will tell my parents this weekend and have contacted her employer, but have not yet given him the go ahead to let her know he knows.

Sorry for such a long and convoluted post, but it is actually very condensed.

Right now I guess I need to know should I allow the employer to let her know that he knows. I'm thinking that it would be a real fantasy killer although not part of the original tsunami of exposure which came about last weekend. I hope to continue with plan A for a while, but I know she will be angry at me for telling her employer.

Any advice here will be greatly appreciated.

Exposure is good.

Conflict in the affair is good.

Anger indicates how effective the exposure is.

BTW - Welcome to MB

Hi DNC,

Yes, expose!! I exposed my FWH last summer to his C/O. At first he was very upset, but that faded within a short amount of time. Within that time, he got angry with himself, because he knew I wouldn't have to go there, if he didn't have an A. He knows now, that what I did was the right thing.

Exactly... just like BK just mentioned.

Exposure...

How about finacial support while WW is off living with OM? See a lawyer for custody and finacial support.

It's time you man up. She has no right tearing apart your family coming and going, over and over. I suspect she does this because you allow it.

No more come home when your ready B.S....

Come home once. When you do... I will, Change the phone numbers, require a NC letter, I will spy on you, and you must except it. Complete transparency, Radical honesty.

Consider moving "far away".

If she leaves again, change the locks, go plan B!

-JKT

I am sorry for what you are going through.

Right now you primary goal should be to protect your children. She has treated all of you with the utmost disdain. Your children WILL suffer long term damage from what she has already done. Protect them and keep them away from her until she gets her head removed from her bottom.

Exposure is key here. Do it completely....including to the school where they met. She may not be welcomed back after they have that information.

Speak to the lawyer and get custody papers signed. In her current state she will most likely sign the kids over...take advantage of that and have a clause put in the paperwork that it cannot be changed except for cause. Also, do not allow your kids to be around the OM.

I agree. As a father, you need to stop allowing her to wreck your kids' lives like that.

DO NOT underestimate the damage being done.

And that "tired of being a good Christian mom" thing? It's just one of the many things WSs tell themselves to justify the A in their own minds.

We could compile a list of WS justifications, and "I'm tired of being a good Christian mom" would probably be somewhere in between "I haven't been happy for a long time" and "I didn't think you loved me anymore".


I continue to be amazed by people in their 30s and older who act like teenagers.

I should say STUPID teenagers, because I didn't behave so poorly when I was a kid.

I think this statement was a HUGE error. You have basically given her the okay to go screw around and that you will most likely be there with open arms when she is done. She SHOULD be fearing that her actions will cost her everything.

Now I disagree with that......

I think it was a good statement, because he CANNOT control what she does. And he let her know that he may not be around when she comes out of LA LA LAND..(I said the same thing to my WS, you should have seen the PANIC in his eyes and voice. Of course, he was also HIGHLY ADDICTED to BOW, so it just made everything worse.....).

Personally, I think you did well, and that you should continue on your Plan A, BUT you need to start preparing for Plan B...and you need to start setting up your boundaries. That would be the things required of her for her to return home....Extraordinary Precautions, MC, and what ever else you need.....

Setting up those boundaries was very crucial for me and gave me the strength to stand by what I needed....which is very very important in Recovery.....

Good luck...oh, and keep on exposing, where necessary.....

not2fun

ps...I do want to say that I do agree with everyone that her coming and going is ridiculous and not fair to the kids (but then again, there is NOTHING about A's that are fair to the kids...), and that it is getting to the point where YOU need to put your foot down on her doing this......

....hmmm

I do not think that she necessarily deliberately planned sabotaging the marriage by sleeping with the OP. Rather I suspect she used this explanation as vindication of her downfall.

There is a spiritual battle raging!

Pray, fast, seek counsel.

My council would be to go fetch your wife and belongings at OP's house. Get friends and daughters to help carry.

Do not use violence. Show passive resistance. Tell her its OK. You are not leaving her. I personally would allow the police to arrest and gaol me if it will demonstrate my conviction and affection towards my wife. And they would have to carry me away.

If released from custody, keep coming back!



Tell her you are fighting to rescue the former Mrs Dazed that you married. Have courage.

By the way it is not proper that a Christian wife be working other than at home except in extraordinary circumstances.

horrible advice as it could lead to him losing custody of his children.

Yes, that is the POINT of exposure. She needs to know that everybody knows.

I would also expose to the OM's parents. That will ruin your wife's fantasies of joining his family because her name will be MUD.

WHO exposed to your WW's family? Did you do it yourself? Becuase unless you did it yourself, I would not consider it done.

Imagine, that is terrible advice that would result in disaster. Getting thrown into jail for acting like a cro-magnon will not help him. If he is in jail, then the WW can move home.......with the OM and they can get a restraining order against him barring him from his own home. And then when custody is determined, dazed will be screwed because of his "violent" history.

For real?

3 posts....hmmmm...that might explain it.


committed

sounds to me that Imagine is ready to be a moderator!

Haaaaaa.....LMAO...

(thanks for my laugh of the day MEDC..... I wholeheartedly agree......)

not2fun

There are so many things wrong with this statement, I don't even know where to begin.

You're joking, right?

Uh... a chrisitan woman, married or not, it is okay for her to work, if she chooses to do so. It is NOT a sin! I choose to stay home and raise my children, but that is my choice. WOW!!

Ummmm, you're joking, right?

Do this and you might as well hand her over on a silver platter.


Huh?!?!?!