My husband and I have been married for almost two years now, and our marriage is still unconsummated. We waited for sex until we were married, and we both married as virgins. I was really looking forward to our honeymoon, and read pre-marriage books (such as Intended for Pleasure) to make sure I was prepared. I also had him read some of these books. I followed the suggestion brought up in one of these books and stretched myself out before the honeymoon so he could actually fit inside without hurting me. Before we were married, we were really passionate and it was very hard at times to wait, but we did.

It has been very depressing and disappointing for me that we haven't had sex yet, and I feel very isolated because there is no one I feel comfortable talking to about all this, except for my husband, who I've expressed myself to and I just don't feel like he understands completely, or perhaps just doesn't feel the same desire to actually have sex that I do (although at this point my desire is mostly cognitive and not very physical because of so much disappointment). The problem is that for some odd reason my husband is scared of sex. He doesn't seem to know EXACTLY why, and I don't know what to do. There is a very, very low chance of us getting pregnant, because I'm on oral contraceptives and take my pill every night, so that can't be the problem in his mind. It's not like I have teeth in there that are going to bite him, and I'm a virgin (thus no weird diseases), so why is he so afraid? He has claimed I'm too small for him to fit, but he's not even trying! While that has been the problem a few times (since I haven't had time to ALWAYS stretch out these 2 years), when I have had time to stretch, I know I'm not too small. The only reason I can really think of for him to be scared is because he may be afraid of something wrong happening to him (e.g. penis break or something totally weird and super rare like that which would probably never happen!). Fear of the unknown? I don't know what the heck he has to be afraid of!

Another problem is that when we do have sexual time together (minus any actual intercourse, that is), he's often "done" before I'm even aroused. And it's becoming harder to even become turned on because all this has pretty much conditioned me to not have anything to look forward to--if I can't expect any fulfillment or satisfaction, how can I even become turned on? And taking the pill has also decreased my sex drive.

I wonder at times why I even bother taking the pill, paying out all this wasted money and unnaturally putting hormones into my body that could possibly increase my risk of breast cancer/blood clots/etc. if they aren't even being put to actual use. But I'm in graduate school and it will take 4-7 years to get my Ph.D., so I can't afford the risk of pregnancy now, and I know I wouldn't be able to enjoy sex if I were worried about becoming pregnant.

This is so depressing, to be married for almost 2 years, to be best friends with my husband, and still not be "one" with him. I've talked to him and he knows how I feel, but I still don't know if he feels the same. When I actually get the gumption to initiate sexual time with him, I can be very sexy, and I know he's very attracted to me. I also have awesome hygiene and go the extra mile to make myself attractive to him. I'm getting tempted to just tie him down one night! (not really)

Well at this point I might as well have written a book. My apologies.

So my questions are, (1) is there anyone else out there who has a problem like this, because I feel like our marriage is so abnormal, (2) is there anyone who has overcome a problem like this, and how, and (3) is it normal for men who are virgins to be afraid of sex, and why be afraid?

Sorry, P...

I haven't had your experience...just throwing out an idea I kind of suspect you've already researched...

Do you think he has fear of failing to please to an extreme? Have you studied up on methods to stop the premature ejaculations? I would think that would be a healthy endeavor to research together. Not you finding and having him read.

LOL

Wish I had more...I certainly understand how it has become a big ol' elephant in your marriage...and I'm glad you're here addressing it...open to help and advice.

I really like how you're standing up for your marriage this way.

Please keep posting, 'k?

LA

perpetua, sorry to have to break this to you, but your marriage is abnormal. It is not normal for male virgins to be so scared that they are unable to lose their virginity when the opportunity comes along.

Have you tried using lubricant? Sorry, I don't want to get into detail here, but since you read books before your honeymoon, hopefully you know what I'm referring to.

What has your husband actually said about his reasons for not wanting to have sex with you? If he is truly fearful, would he consider therapy? Does your husband not have any male friends he could talk to?

Lastly, have you considered that your husband might be gay? Unfortunately that might be a simpler explanation for his behavior than fear of something getting broken.

Reassure your husband that he is not too big to fit. Your body is designed to receive him and will do just that. Snuggles' suggestion for lubricant is a good one. It may be uncomfortable for you the first few times, but this too shall pass.

Based on you both being virgins and the book you cited, I wonder what he was taught about sex growing up. I've not heard of it going to this extreme, but I do know that it can be difficult to flip the switch from "sex is wrong" to "sex is a wonderful expression of love" if "sex is wrong" is all a person is taught. Freud would probably explore the possibility of a Madonna- Wh*r* complex. Just ideas to consider and discuss with him. It seems as though what you are dealing with is a psychological barrier rather than a physical one.

I can understand why you are uncomfortable discussing this with those close to you, but I think it may be time to discuss it with someone who has experience with these issues.

I think I'd rather have had your problem 37 years ago, than the one I had when I was a newlywed...but that's really neither here nor there. I just know that when sexual questions turn into "issues" it's really hard (metaphorically, of course!) to get them back on track. 2 years is more than long enough to wait for answers, and it doesn't seem like you're finding them on your own, between the two of you. If you could find someone the two of you trusted together, to hear your questions and give straight answers, that would be my first choice. My 2nd choice (if he's too embarrassed to go with you) would be to go and get some answers on my own and take a little invasive action of my own, if I just knew what to do that might work! I do think the person who asked if he had preferences for men might have a point worth finding the truth about. A yes answer there could well render other plans for getting a good thing going...unfortunately moot. You have a mystery on your hands, instead of a Mr. in your hands and other more personal spots. Get some help. If you're working for a PhD. surely your university area will have sex researchers crawling out of the WALLS! Somebody's gotta have a good idea! You just need to find it and hear it out...and after that, practice makes perfect.

Well, at least it did with me and the piano...

Do you live in a relatively largely populated area? You should be able to find a therapist for that sort of thing, who can help you guys work through your issues and come at it all from a healthier perspective. I've heard great success stories from people who have used them.

Thanks for your suggestions and encouragement, everyone. I think that we will consider sex therapy if this doesn't get cleared up soon.

Perpetua...what are you doing differently now that you didn't before that you're waiting to see if it will get cleared up soon?

LA

Not that this will necessarily help, but so that you know that you are not totally alone out there, my wife and I don't have sex very often because I have extremely delayed ejaculation (due to medicine I take to control my OCD and GAD) and it makes her feel inadequate that she can't make me come (I usually end up having to do it myself). Aside from fighting about other things, even when we've been getting along it has kept her from wanting to have sex and she's cried herself to sleep many nights because of it. We haven't found a solution, either; maybe sex therapy would be a good option for us, too, although I don't know because my problem is largely drug induced.

Have you read about the sexual adversion? Read up on those articles so that you two don't inadvertantly create an adversion.

Next, try using a condom during foreplay. This may help him avoid pre-mature ejaculation. But, don't suggest it if it will cause him further anxiety.

I know this is a little graphic, but after he climaxes, can he get an erection soon again? Young males usually can. If so, a strategy may be to let him climax, then he can turn his attention to you and after a several minutes more, you'll both be ready.

We don't get much time together, because our work schedules are so different, and when school is in session, that keeps us really busy, too. The hecticness of our lives has been a big factor in our problem. Often we're too busy or tired to try to get any practice in! And often when we do get time off (i.e. Thanksgiving, a week off for Christmas, etc.), we feel obligated to go visit either my parents or his, both of which are 400 miles or more away. We need a 2nd honeymoon (which we certainly can't afford right now)! I would really love to have more time with him when we get vacation time, but we only see our families once or twice a year. (Did I mention that we pretty much have to stay at my parents' or his parents' house when we visit them, since we don't have enough money for a hotel? That doesn't help either.)

And so, the prime years of our lives continue to slip away, our sex life sacrificed for higher education, seeing our families, and trying to make a living for ourselves...ok, a little too melodramatic, but that's what it feels like sometimes.


So really, the only things different from before are: I'm being more proactive (though I wish he would pursue me more), and I also bought a "toy" for him to use on me so he can hopefully learn how he can get himself in there (though it seems like we imagine the mechanics of things to be way more complicated than they are), and so he can figure out that there is nothing about me to be afraid of. I'm also thinking about how I can gently tell him what improvements I need him to make (maybe go through the questionnaire in His Needs Her Needs together?).

perpetua, don't feel obligated to visit your parents EVERY time you have a vacation. They will survive seeing you once a year. If they want to see you more, they can come to visit you (and stay in a hotel) or at the very least learn how to use email! You are putting a lot of things ... school, work, parents ... ahead of your marriage. That doesn't seem like a very smart thing to do, now does it?

I agree with SnuggleFresh. You both need to make more time for your marriage. Sex does not take a lot of time. We're talking 20 minutes to a couple of hours. If you don't have enough time for that, you don't have enough time to meet a lot of the other needs.

Sex is really high up on my list of ENs. It might be 2 or even 1, so for me to imagine going two years married without it is scary.

What if he didn't have to put himself anywhere? What if you were on top and just lowered yourself down on him? All he has to do is lie back and think of Britan, or in our case, America.

Before you try that, you may want to make sure he's enthusiastic about having vaginal intercourse. (BTW, do you two do oral? If not that may be a good first step.) Of course, you'd stop if he said stop. You may also want to ask him if he was sexually abused as a child. If so, he will probably need counseling to have a full, healthy sexual relationship with you.

You will always be busy. Even with two young children (preschool age and younger), we still manage to DTD at least 2 times a week, sometimes 4. I work multiple jobs, my husband works, we both have hobbies and volunteer work we do.

But we learned a very hard lesson which made our marriage a priority.

Do you know if/how often he masterbates? If he's had a history of mbing quickly, he may simply have conditioned his body to respond in a quick manner.

TWO YEARS!!!! Wow.....yeah..... You guys need therapy NOW. He needs to get over this hang up. I suspect that once he does, you'll probably have another post stating " Geez, this man can't get enough, I'M TIRED!!!!"

Speaking as someone who was in a marriage for 7-8 years without any sexual intercourse, I strongly advise you to take steps to resolve this issue soon. Don't make excuses for or assumptions about your spouse.

I don't mean to be discouraging, but not consummating the marriage (for 2 years!) is highly abnormal. It is biblically what brings a man and a woman together. Even if you have been 'sexual' you could probably get an annulment for not consummating the marriage. I'm not suggesting this, but just using that to show that it's not normal.

You should go to therapy. You need to look out for yourself and what you want, you shouldn't put up with that! It says in the bible we aren't to deny our spouses physically.

I just happened on this thread. Perpetua, are you still posting here? (I usually stick to the Recovery board, so I don't know the cast of characters over here)

I'm just wondering how you are doing? I see HUGE red flags about your husband's sexuality, and I think that no one would be surprised to find out that he is gay. Did he grow up in a household that encouraged him to be himself and that assured him that he would be loved and supported no matter who he is, or did he have an upbringing that demanded he fit into a particular mould?

My Dad grew up in an era and a household that never let him even question who he really might be. He got married, had kids (for which I'm grateful!), and came out of the closet in his 50s, never even having suspected that he was gay. A great deal of anguish in his life could have been avoided if someone who cared about him had initiated a conversation about sexuality with him in an honest and non-judgemental way.

BHHFSGuy--it is so refreshing to see someone else who is willing to talk about dealing with an experience like this! It seems that in our sexually-overcharged society here in the U.S., it is a problem that few people are willing to talk about if they have it, so people assume is it super rare. Here is an interesting article I found on the subject of unconsummated marriages for anyone who is interested:

Unconsummated marriages

We haven't really made progress since my last post, except that my husband has at least become a lot more willing to attempt real sex, which is something at least. We're just kind of like two molecules that can't figure out how to bond/react with each other. Though I can understand why a few people who have posted on this thread would suspect him to be gay, I can really assure you he's not.

Though therapy would be nice, we just can't afford it with our income and expenses (rent, etc.); we are both still students after all. Plus with our schedules already being so different, we won't have the time for therapy until maybe summer, when we won't be taking classes.

Does your college offer therapy services? Ours did. For Free. Course these were students who were becoming licensed therapists in a short time.

Have you called other offices? To find one with a sliding fee system or one that would make payment plans? When I was in graduate school, (not all that long ago), I made 10K a year, which paid for everything. Tuition, rent, food, and car expenses (gas, insurance). Clearly, I wasn't living high off the hog.

I STILL was able to afford therapy. I made monthly payments that I could afford. I joked that while most people graduated with cc bills, I graduated with therapy bills.

This is serious enough that you'd post on a message board, why are you making it such a low priority. When school and all those demands are done, you'll still have each other, no? And what happens when you are both tired from jobs? And you have limited sick leave/vacation time to use for therapy? There will never be a good time to get this taken care of. I just don't understand why you'd wait until this could tear your marriage apart..