I'm not sure, after just one visit with one child, that this counselor is the best choice. However, it took me two weeks just to find one in my area that would agree to speak to us. All of the others were too cost prohibitive, or refused because they feared having to go to court.

I do think it helped my son though to have an independent party tell him it was okay to be angry.

You know that I have been on eggshells between "protecting" the kids and feeling like I would be accused of "keeping the kids from WW."

I'm reposting what LA asked because I think it kinda got lost in the therapist stuff.

While the therapist stuff is VERY (mucho grande) important, I think this is EQUALLY importante.

I'm glad you realize that this is going to take awhile, and it is your wife's burden to fix - but while she is fixing her (or not, depending on the choices she makes), YOU must continue to work on you and yours.

Regards,
Kimmy

aw3, what happened with the lawyer? Was that last week or this week?

The lawyer's appointment is tomorrow.

I heard from M early this morning.

WW has made an appointment with her personal physician for tomorrow after work. It seems that she admitted to M that her OB/GYN had advised her a year and a half ago that, due to some early-onset and unusual "female" issues, she might need to go on some type of hormone therapy or anti-depressant.

I have been asking for over a year that she see her doctor and get "a pill or something" to help alleviate her violent mood swings (especially "once a month"). It would appear that she knew all along that I was right but just never would admit that she might need to be on any medication.

M also asked if I could help locate a counselor that WW could go and talk to...individually at first. She says that WW does want us to eventually go together, but that she sees that it would be best if she spoke to them first alone.

I went online and then called numerous "licensed family and marriage" counselors. I finally found one that, not only accepts our insurance, but is also a licensed minister (no, I'm still not afraid of that word, even if it is akin to "chaplain").

He actually answered the phone himself and was willing to explain his practice and approach to me over the phone. I was careful not to divulge too much info. to him, but I did give him the technical facts (when she left, who she left, etc.). Her appointment is next Tuesday, he said he would also like to see me soon too;and, eventually, he anticipates BOTH of us together.

As of right now, I AM still dark. I have not spoken with WW since Friday night.

She reached out, through the M, and asked for my help in locating a counselor. I had expressed to M on Saturday that I wanted WW to see a counselor "of my choosing."

Maybe, just maybe, she is starting to realize some things. Time will tell. I'm not pinning any hopes on R still, but at least a few baby steps are being taken.

My plans are to remain dark, pray, and let God handle WW. Obviously, nothing I've done or have tried to do has helped. Hopefully, she will help herself and then we can take the next steps...SLOWLY...one day at a time!

SHE should be doing this search for a councilor. SHE should do the footwork for HERSELF!

Holy cow!!!

Are you going to spoon feed her, too?

I apologize.

You are a fixer.

I get that.

I am too.

I must tell you that in order for your ww to be "fixed" is ONLY in her hands. Every time you DO something - even with your good intentions - it only re-inforces her BAD behavior.

You must not fix her or she will NEVER be well, AND she will continue her self destructive and family destructive behaviors till she's USED everyone up.

So give the info to the M and STEP back already.

Get your hands off the pie. Quit peeking in the oven or it will NEVER get done.

AB has told his WW that one of his conditions is to see a counselor of his choosing.

It seems appropriate that she would make an inquiry to AB about contact info for a counselor.

If I were AB's WW, I would seek out my own counselor, inform AB that I am working with a therapist on personal healing with the goal of marital recovery and family healing. Then AB could see by my actions whether or not true humility exists and the effects of therapy. AB could then use this information in helping to make the best choice for himself and family.

It appears that AB's WW may be lacking in discretion in selecting an appropriate counselor, but hopefully, she has someone (with her best interests in mind) to lean on and look to for advice.

Excellent. Let's hope she follows through.

Like I said before, I WANTED to pick a counselor that WW could see, even though I want her to see him independent of me. My fear was that she would seek out some counselor with no regard for any Biblical perspective, even finding one who might condone her actions based only on her version of things or manipulation of it.

She said (early on, before PBL) that I refused to "let her" be a wife and a mother. That I insisted on preparing meals and cleaning house (yeah, right!). I don't think ANY counselor will fall for that logic, but I hope I have found one (whom I spoke to) that definitely will not.

This way, if later on we do end up seeing him together, it should make the process much simpler (in regards to C).

Also, from what little I can see, WW only has M to lean on. M is a wonderful person, but one with very few friends (by her own admittance). I do fear that M may be attempting to isolate WW so that they both only have each other. But, M IS married (but he works out of town ALOT), so I hope she does see that eventually WW will turn on her too in her present state.

Ah.

I'd forgotten.

Thank you for the re-fresh.

Princess, I finally read your story today on this site.

THANK YOU for writing it. I can see many similarities in it, especially the part that God played in it.

It is very obvious to me, from WW's insistence to our kids last week that she "HAD found peace with God," that even she knows, in fact, that just the opposite is true.

I was praying as I read that somehow, someway that there was going to be R at the end. Perhaps I have already assumed that, since WW left so abruptly and without any real cause on my part, her "turning back" would be just as sudden.

Unfortunately, do to MANY other circumstances, I know that will not be the case. Actually, her turning back to God probably will still be just as sudden and possibly unexpected, but any possible return here will definitely be much more prolonged!

It was a comfort to read that, even though you endured MUCH of the same junk that I have, in the end, once your H returned to his faith, everything else just seemed to be fall into its place.

I'm sure that R was still VERY difficult, but at least in happened in the proper order.

I keep reminding myself: WW must return to God first, then she can (and will want to...in the right ways and for the right reasons) return to you.

That was it exactly. As long as my FWH was running from God, our marriage didn't stand a chance. But it wasn't until "I" got out of the way, trying to manipulate the situations (and I'm a pro at that, believe me), that things started to turn around.

I see tiny steps of progress in your situation and I think whether your M recovers depends ALOT on what you do now. I KNOW you love the Lord. Trust Him to do the work He wants to do in your wife and in your life. I believe your children will witness a true miracle, but in His time. Remember, "Be anxious for nothing."

I KNOW you're right Princess.

As someone else here pointed out, I am a FIXER (as most men are). I want to fix it. I want it fixed now. I see the problems (from my perspective) and have the answers...and they are ALL spiritual!

Maybe I should start viewing Plan B as "waiting on God."

I could feel your frustration even when just reading you recount what you had experienced...I am still feeling it.

Yes, personally I have recovered greatly due to the help I've received here. I can survive this either way now. I am no longer an emotional wreck. In fact, WW even commented last Friday night, "How can you just sit there stoicly and not be emotional the way I am?"

Of course, I didn't really tell her, but my time removed from the drama has strengthened me emotionally. Time away I wouldn't have gotten without the advice here...I would have continued to try and "fix" it myself. WW said that I think I always have to be in control...I now see I am in control of nothing!

I'm now praying that God can use this "counselor" to reveal to WW what she already knows, she needs to return to God.

Just got confirmation from M that WW DOES plan to attend our son's baseball game this evening (even though he requested she not).

She says WW promised not to speak to or emberass our son in any way. She says she will leave immediately after the game without a word.

I realize that his request seems harsh and her promise seems childish, but the games she has been at since leaving have been disasters.

Our son has spent the entire game wondering if she is coming to the dugout or wondering what she will say or do after the game. I hope she will keep her word about today.

I also hope he plays well and we win. If he doesn't and we don't, I fear he will blame WW, causing even more resentment. I know that sounds odd that he would, but...he is still 12!

And that's when you step up to the plate (ha! no pun intended!) and tell him that WW had no control over the game or how he plays. He should not be allowed to "blame" his mom for everything (even though she IS to blame for A LOT of things).

Actually, I had already done that...but I was just anticipating how he would feel.

Doesn't matter anyway...we won 16-1.

WW did come, but she sat WAY out in left field and never approached us. She also left as soon as the game was over, just as she told M she would!

Yay for DS!!! Yay for WS!!! Baby steps. I bet she hated be separated from her family and unable to enjoy the sweet victory. Just a little more taste of waywardness, eh?

I suppose so...I can't imagine my own child asking me NOT to come to his game!

That alone would be enough to have me on my knees begging to come home!

NO appointment with the lawyer yesterday, she got "tied up" in court, or, so I was told.

Rescheduled for the next available time...on Monday, July 7th!

M just called and informed me that WW's Dr. refused to give her ANYTHING. He told her he was opposed to anti-depressants and sleeping aids. He told her she was a very intelligent woman and that ANYONE in her situation would feel stress and emotional outbursts!

I'm guessing that WW may have been a little LESS THAN HONEST about the severity of her crashes!

M says that he did refer her back to her OB/GYN and recommended hormone-level testing. I think that's probably where they will find the problem anyway...but I know she won't get an appointment there for weeks!

Maybe she'll be able to "help herself" in some way after speaking with the counselor next week. Who knows?

"Maybe she'll be able to "help herself" in some way after speaking with the counselor next week. Who knows?"

Yes she will. She will be able to HELP HERSELF TO MANY MORE MANIPULATIVE TECNIQUES TO PLAY GAMES WITH YOU AND THE CHILDREN AND GET BACK IN TO YOUR FAMILY IN ORDER TO RUIN ALL YOUR LIFES!

You can bet this woman will be back manipulating you all very soon! She has nothing better to do. Now that OM has pretty much written her off. Even HE knows how unstable and difficult and manipulative she is and will have nothing of it. I wish you could realize this also.