Hang in there. You are doing a great job of helping him. Many BH's here would tell you that having a truly remorseful wife is the biggest factor in recovery.

The wound is still very fresh. Give it time.

Don't quit on him. He deserves your help. You just have to deal with his moods. I know you already know this:)

I understand the roller coaster of emotions and am prepared for it. Is it totally normal for a BH to always be looking for a WS to be doing more? I get anxiety about it because I am afraid that if he doesn't see that I am actively trying to do something at all times that he's not going to think that I love him and am sorry and want us to recover, which is not the case!

I love him and want nothing more than for him to be happy.

I just posted to him on Too Tired to Care.

I feel his pain but he is looking at things backwards.

Hey ILMH,

Good to hear you all had a great weekend...And way to go on NO AFFAIR talk...(I really do think this is becoming detrimental to Try's recovery....I even talked with Lala this weekend about this very thing....).

Anyway, yes it would be easier if it wasn't YOU that hurt him, but it not that way. You must accept this. And all the reprocussions that go with it. I know it sucks, but this is what happens when people have affairs.

Ok, done with the 2x4. I'm really not here to beat up on you. In fact it sounds like you are doing what you can. And that is all you can do.

As far as making Try happy. Well, that is all good and fine, BUT the comes a time when you are doing what you can and if he is still not happy that becomes HIS problem. Try is responsible for himself, you cannot control how he feels. Now, you can do what you can do to help, BUT when you have done these things, then you cannot fault yourself.

It really sounds like you are trying hard. And that you've accepted responsiblity for what you have done. All you can do is keep going forward. No looking back.

This all sucks, but it too will pass......hang in there kiddo......

not2fun

Thanks for all the encouragement. Try and I are a great team. We had a great marriage up until the year and a half before the affair. We will have that again, I am certain.

I know things are tough right now, but this will take time. I am very glad to hear you had a good weekend with no A talks! That will help you both re-charge your batteries for the rougher times. But, you are so early in this. You must put on your armor and get ready for it. From Try's posts, I can tell he is really struggling, and some of it will be his burden to bear and overcome. It seems you are doing all that you can to help recovery. If there are specific requests that he has, by all means, do your best to make them happen, but otherwise, your overall attitude and effort will be the difference.

I know many times Want2Stay has told me he feels I am doing everything I possibly can, and that what is left for him to overcome is his own battle. But, I still try to help him whenever I see him struggling. Our hubbies are both THINKERS and ANALYZERS...so there is a constant battle happening in their heads. It must be agonizing and I try to remind myself of that fact often, and remain patient. One day, I hope he has a breakthrough for himself that brings him out of the majority of the pain and helps him focus much more on our future than our past. We were always a great team as well...

This stuff is so hard. Your self-esteem and self-worth has taken a huge hit and his heart has been broken. It will take time, ILMH...and a lot of it! Hang in there--you will be OK!!!!!!

Hey no problem...... I am kind of excited just watching your sitch to see HOW the WS becomes a FWS. And honestly, even though you did this, to see it and to make reperations says A LOT about your character.

Like I told Lala this weekend, you and Try are in early Recovery like me. The difference is that you have had NC longer than we have (we are going on 8 weeks tomorrow.....), but Try's last Dday was sooner than mine was...(I don't consider finding out that they had contact a DDay.....some disagree, but for me Dday means finding out about the affair and any related details.....major ones anyway...). So, we are kind of in different zones....

Anyway, you are doing wonderful......

not2fun

ILMH,

I saw your post to another poster on his thread and wanted to give you some ecouragement after you were told your advice was not along the right path...

Don't get disheartened by it. The difference between your situation and his is that his wife is actively involved in an affair and has not ended it and currently has not made a commitment to recovery.

Imagine what your reaction would have been if you were still involved with OM and had no intention of saving your marriage when you arrived and posted for the first time. And imagine what TTH would be going through if he had to stop seeking advice because he no longer felt safe here to discuss his feelings or work out ways to discover the truth.

Don't give up on offering advice and ecouragement, just keep in mind that a BS who comes here needs to know the truth, confront the WS and at least get a passing commitment to recovery before much good can come from the WS posting and reading here.

Even those who have already committed entirely to recovery can be a bit foggy for some time and an actively wayward spouse will learn very little, since it will still be all about him or her. Take a look at Rain's thread for what I'm talking about...

Someday perhaps this man's wife will arrive here after ending her affair and then your input will be of GREAT value to both her and her husband.

Carry on...

Mark

PS You both might want to read Dave Carder's Torn Asunder

ILMH, Mark is right. You just weren't aware of how disasterous it can be to invite an active WS on this forum when we are trying to help the BS bust her. Please DO NOT get discouraged! You have so much to offer others here and have a great outlook and a good heart.

Try and I talked last night and think he really cleared something up with me that I just wasn't getting. About him wanting me to do more he said that it isn't trying to find more to do, but to do more of what I was already doing. It made more sense to me when he put it that way.

I guess I was so worried about finding something else to do I wasn't focusing on what i was already doing.. Thanks Hon, that really makes so much more sense now!

ILMH,

It's been a while since we've heard from you guys.

Wazup?

Mark