I see a lot of BS's here that state... "I would never stay if I didn't have kids with WS". As a BH without children, I can't seem to get through a sentence like this without saying to myself "copout" (sp). I mean, I don't know what the numbers would be, but if someone were to ask every member in the infidelity forum if they would marry their WS knowing that their spouse would have an affair, I think at least 95% of the BS's would say "NO"...but, at the same time most of those 95% are saying that they would like to "recover". Am I just being a little bitter when I scoff at the "I'm doing it for the kids" statement? I don't know the exact numbers, obviously...but to me BS's who say this would probably fit into the 95% as mentioned above, with or without kids. 50% of marriages end in divorce, and I'm sure a high percentage of those marriages have children...I have plenty of friends and family that have divorced, re-married (or not)...and their children have turned out to be just fine. So, why do people still say "I'm doing it for the kids"? It just seems to me that a lot of the people I know whose parents seperated or divorced say that they are happier now that the divorce is final, and that they hated seeing their parents at eachother's throats, and trying to overcome their problems...it was hell for them to watch first hand.

Anyway, I'm not trying to stir up anything, and I realize this is a Marriage "Builders" website, so that is why we are all here. I just think that in today's day in age, and the fact that there are so many "success" stories for children of divorce, that the "I'm doing it for the kids" should go the way of the dodo bird...imho.

Discuss?

When I say the kids are part of the reason I chose to stay, it wasn't because I thought I was doing them a favor.

I couldn't imagine being without them half of the time...missing out on half of their childhoods.

Call me selfish. "Staying for the kids" was for me.

That's cool Krazy. I'm not trying to question people who did it, just trying to figure out why. You also state that the children were "part" of the reason you stayed, which I can understand. It's the BS's who say "there is no way I'd stay if we didn't have kids" that kind of bothers me (don't know why, but it does).

I can't speak for others, but I do think some BSs with kids simply don't have the nerve/courage to leave, especially after an esteem-shattering d-day, and it makes them feel better when they tell themselves they are staying for the kids.

I'm sure many have financial reasons, too.

I guess part of the problem for me is that I always hear "well, you're young...you don't have kids...D should be easy then". Maybe comments like that from people make me feel like (since I've decided to "try" to recover) if I had kids (which I wish I did) I could have a reason to tell those people "well, have to do it for the kids now" as a reason to justify trying to recovery from this crap she put us through.

edit:

Maybe I'm just bitter that I don't have that reason to justify.

Yeah, I was relieved when my parents split up. Was it hard after? Sure! But it helped me learn to be resourceful and self-reliant. I had my grandpa for a male authority figure, though. My dad pretty much dropped out nearly completely.

As for my grandparents...they SHOULD have divorced. They stayed together for convenience, IMO. They were miserable together. But after a while I guess they felt it was too late to start over so they just left it at that.

Charlotte

Well, except for the self-esteem issue, D really would be easier without kids.

Keep in mind that many who say it should be easier to D without kids have never dealt with infidelity when they didn't have kids, so they don't know what they're talking about.

Perhaps sometimes it's easier to tell people that. So many people don't understand why we BS's would want to try to reconcile with a WS and using the kids is one way to put it so they don't go on and on, making you feel like a dumba*s. I know that my mother thinks I'm silly to even consider recovery with my WH. She says he isn't worth it and like he has said, he doesn't deserve me or our wonderful children. Most of the time I agree with her, but that doesn't mean that I love my H any less...I just like WH a WHOLE lot less!

How about: You want to give your marriage every chance to succeed before you make such a big decision?

Charlotte

I don't think I would have decided to even try to recover my marriage if it wasn't for my daughter. I thought about our future if we did get divorced.

My H and I would each miss half of the holidays with our daughters.

Our daughter would most likely have a stepmother and step brothers if my H would have stayed with OW. The thought of my daughter staying overnight in a house with teenage boys that are not related to her and that I no nothing about (except that they are children of divorced parents and their mom moved a married man into their home very quickly) was scary for me.

If I remarried, my daughter and new H would not love each other the same as her real dad and her love each other, yes I know step parents love their stepkids, but it is not the same. Dr. Laura said one time if both your child and your stepchild were drowing and you could save only one which would it be? This may sound harsh, but I think it is true.

I mean this with no offense, but until you have kids of your own I do not think you can fully understand how it feels to be a parent.

Listening to my 5 year old daughter cry and ask "why does daddy love her (ow) so much" was enough for me to swallow my pride and do anything it would take for my daughter to not have to ever feel like second best to an OW. My daughter asked that question after my H lied to me and took my daughter to spend the night with him at the OW's apartment which he had moved into a couple weeks earlier.

I no longer would say I am staying because of my child, we are in recovery and I love my H. But I can say for sure that if we did not have a child I would never have tried to reconcile. This past year has been very hard and I considered giving up many times, but just didn't like what the future would hold for my family if we divorced.

I often ask myself what my situation would be like if I didn't have kids. I honestly think I would still love my wife and hope and pray that we can somehow work it out, but honestly, the circumstances would be different.

For one, I would not have all the oppurtunities to speak with her because of our common interest in the kids. Second, things don't just simply end with divorce when you have kids. You will most likely always be in contact with your X, where as without kids you can break all contact. Third is that it changes things financially. W/O kids you split the assets and really all you need is to take care of yourself. With kids, both of you have to find a way to take care of yourself and kids, which can be extremely difficult.

I guess I'd say that I would never want to settle for staying together for the kids, but kids give me more motiviation then just love of my spouse to try and reconcile.

I have to echo the sentiments of the others here. The only reason I considered reconciling was for the kids. I'm now divorced and living with the consequences. I see the kids just a fraction of the time that I did when I was married and I was a very involved dad.

It is hard for someone without kids to understand why those with kids tell you that you have lost nothing and count your blessings, move on, and consider yourself lucky to not have to subject children to split homes and step parents and siblings.

As far as why dads drop out of the picture: the system creates dads who do this because the system uses "the best interests of the children" to justify havind dad's go broke for kids they never get to see. Many finally give up trying and are driven off to try and restart a life elsewhere and with someone new.

It's sad, but that's the reality and why father's rights groups exist. Kid's need dads and the system should be there to protect the kid's rights to have both parents involved in their lives.

Saying that someone would do it for the kids is not a copout. It was the only motive I had to try. Having them out of my life has been very painful.

I would otherwise have divorced and moved away to live near family and happily moved on to a woman with morals and who actually understood that the vows were "till death do us part" and not "till I'm not happy anymore".

Oh wow, I hear you there. And I think you are right, at least as far as my situation and maybe some others go. I love my H still very, very much, but I think this would be much easier on me if we didn't have a child together and one on the way. It would just be easier if we didn't have one on the way. I think it would be easier for me to handle since I'm not the one who is losing the children, he is.

This is exactly why I started this thread...very well put. That's why I stated the numbers in my original post (although guesses)...it just seems to me that a lot of people state "Id NEVER forgive my spouse for adultery", but then they try to...I think the same thing could be said for people that say "I'd leave if not for the kids"...I think they would still try to recover without kids. JMO

I do not.

I TOTALLY disagree and I think it was lousy of her to make such a comparison.

Charlotte

Intro,

Hmm....what are your reasons??

You married for life, you married for better or worse, through good times and bad......

Personally, I don't think you have to "justify" anything to anybody.........

not2fun

ps...I have kids, so I can't really comment to much one way or the other since this was my sitch.... ....

If Dr. Laura and my son's pet hamster were drowning...now THERE'S a tough decision.

My "step" children weighed heavily on me throughout this ordeal. Only we don't use the word "step."

I would have tried to work it out for them because I didn't want them to have to go through the whole divorce ordeal again. Back THEN, I would have. Not now.

They understand that I won't be divorcing THEM, though, and that's what's important.

Charlotte

LMAO!!!!



Charlotte

I lied...the hamster is liked by at least one person in this world, plus, he weighs less.