My step child already has 2 Dads, and I am the primary father figure right now. If this divorce goes through, he will shuffled to three different homes on the weekend, with the possibility of have 2 more 'Mom' figures as well as another Dad. As well he is somewhat introverted and does show his feelings as clearly as the others.

Divorce will be tough on all, but he will most likely have the roughest time.

LOL!

As a parent, I see the long-term welfare of my children as being the most important responsibility I will ever have.

My own personal security and happiness is important, but it has to be balanced against the best interests of my children.

Infidelity is a sign that something is unhealthy in the marriage, but that doesn't mean that the marriage will always be unhealthy. For the sake of the children, it seems worth giving the relationship a chance to heal and grow, don't you think? Which is likely to take longer than a weekend.

I believe a child's emotional security is best served by growing up with its two biological parents, for all the reasons given by TryingToLetItGo. There are happy stepfamilies, but from personal observation I'd say many blended families have a similar level of dysfunction to a troubled 'primary' partnership. I think a marriage has to be DEEPLY flawed and unhealthy before separation becomes a better choice for the children. And if the marriage is THAT unhealthy, then both of the parents have contributed to that situation and will probably take the same dysfunctional relationship skills into their next marriages. That's not a great prospect for the kids, is it? If the same unpleasant events happen in the stepfamily, it's even worse to go through it with a household of people who aren't biologically related to you, who don't much reason to care about your welfare and who probably subliminally resent your existence.

For a child to see that a parent has messed up, but that both parents try hard to fix the mess and grow from the experience, seems much more constructive to me than being given the impression that the first response to a partner's failure should be to kick them to the kerb.

It seems to me that making a herculean effort to mend the marriage - not by being a doormat, but by growing character muscles, being searingly honest with yourself, and disciplining yourself to follow a plan - is the least a parent can do. The fact that you're not the parent who screwed up is just one of the many hardships that are involved in the task of being a parent.

TA

My wife's first affair was when my children were much younger (elementary / jr high). I don't know if my decision to reconcile would have changed if they hadn't been in the picture, but I do know that the first thought that crossed my mind every time I contemplated divorce was "what about my girls?"

I literally felt a pit in my stomach every time I thought about having to tell them we would be divorcing.

So, I guess they were a primary driver in my decision to reconcile the first time around, but I also weighed the circumstances around the affair and decided there was a future in the marriage.

I was wrong.

Even though my children were older following my wife's second affair, they played a much larger factor in my continued efforts to restore our marriage. When we finally told my eldest daughter about her mother's affairs she cried horribly. Thinking about spending only half of holidays with her and having to "split" time with the grandchildren (when they arrive in the future) hurt me deeply.

My daughter said two things that stuck with me, "I always thought it was cool that MY parents were still together when many of my other friends' parents were divorced." and "You guys can't quit -- you're not quitters."

Would I have divorced my wife if we didn't have children -- YES.

No cop out, no "maybe". After her second affair I would have kicked her to the curb with the trash.

But it was my kids that kept me hanging in there.

This fall they'll both be in college. Affair number three will result in a swift and final dissolution of the marriage.

Introvert - you left out "do it for God as God did it for me."


"the "I'm doing it for the kids" should go the way of the dodo bird...imho."

You left out "doing it because someone other than ME is "god" of my life." Self-centeredness and sin are what lead to divorce.

Confession, repentance, forgiveness, submission are what lead to recovery and reconciliation, but "leave God out" of the equation and the "changeable feelings" of the individual remain, along with their perception that they, themselves, are "lord" of their life and can do whatever they feel like doing.


"I just think that in today's day in age, and the fact that there are so many "success" stories for children of divorce, that the "I'm doing it for the kids" should go the way of the dodo bird...imho."

"Today's day," there's a lot in that thought that could be discussed.

"So many "success" stories for children of divorce," there are a lot of stories about the BAD effects of divorce on children too. You seem to drawing a "wrong conclusion" through leaning on incomplete facts and extrapolating them to "prove the point you want to make."


jmho.

I get the gist of your post, but we can do whatever we feel like doing, because of so-called "free will".

That's not to say there won't be a price to pay at some point, though.

Staying married after adultery ONLY for the kids is a pretty bad reason IMO. I fail to see how the kids can be taught good life lessons if they are held as the reason for everybody enduring loathing and misery.

However when you HAVE kids, they are a pretty hefty consideration in the decision to recover or NOT IME.

While there was a chance that I might be able to recover a happy family environment for them with their natural parents I stayed my hand from divorcing. That way the kids get the best of a bad deal IMO. Worked out pretty decently so far for all concerned.

Without children I am pretty certain I would have divorced immediately, but clearly I can't be sure. I used to say I'd definitely divorce if I was ever cheated on, and look what happened eventually

Dr H advises divorce for young folks without kids after adultery.

I agree 100%.

I only wish my dad had kicked my sad sack excuse for a mom to the curb...I guarantee we would have had a better childhood had he not stayed for the kids. I know he would have been happier too.

1 Cor 10:23

The trouble is, simply by having kids, it isn't ONLY the kids, but all the other issues become more serious.

- Legalities are way more expensive, time consuming and draining (custody issues, child support). Childless couples merely have possessions to fight about.

- As a parent you want to protect your children from pain. You see that pain on their faces every day, even through your own. It affects your thinking.

- Finances are far more critical. You may be able to survive in a one room basement apartment living on KD and hotdogs but could you bring a child in there even for a weekend? Adds to legalities above.

- Fears of missing, even losing your children if those custody battles and your resulting living arrangements don't work out.

- Fears of the OP taking your place with your children as well as with your WS. You can get real possessive

These fears and realities are very motivating. There are lots more and they vary with the situation. But when you add them all up, it's not hard to imagine some people thinking like "I can live with WS as a roommate easier than I can do all of the above" and try to make the best of it and possibly even making it work.

Look, I already stated that this thread wasn't about starting a big debate on the issue...all I did was ask a question. In now way am I trying to state "facts" about any of it...once again, it's just me asking a question. I'm not sure why you had to get nasty in this thread...there is no reason to...it's just a discussion, and I have absolutely no interest in listening to someone put words in my mouth.

You claim that I'm using "incomplete facts" to "prove the point that I want to make", and I'm drawing the "wrong conclusion"? What are you talking about? I didn't claim anything I have stated in this thread as "fact"...I don't have any motive in this thread to justify "proving a point that I want to make"...and, what exactly is the "conclusion" you speak of? I fail to see where I drew a "conclusion". The only one here that is doing that is you by throwing your belief system into the fray and stating your "beliefs" as facts. Look, I attend worship on Sunday, just like you...but, what I "believe" isn't neccesarily a "fact"...you need to realize that.

Excuse me? You stated a conclusion you reached "in your humble opinion" and invited a Discussion ("Discuss?").

Now you throw a "tantrum" because I "engaged you" in that requested discussion?



No, Introvert, you didn't "just ask a question." You framed your "observation" and "drew your conclusion" from it, then presented it as your "humble opinion." Only after doing that did you "invite" discussion. But you "didn't like" my "2 cents," and off you go on a rant over MY opinion, as if ONLY your opinion is "valid."




Sorry, Introvert, but I didn't "get nasty." I put NO words in your mouth, you stated your opinion very clearly, "go the way of the Dodo bird," as if the children are NO reason for parents remaining married. They ARE "a" reason, and certainly not the "only" reason.




Okay, then one more time, here is the conclusion that you drew and that you stated: " I just think that in today's day in age, and the fact that there are so many "success" stories for children of divorce, that the "I'm doing it for the kids" should go the way of the dodo bird...imho."




And it is precisely WHAT you believe that is the issue. For the record, Introvert, "attendance" at church saves no one.

The "issue," in my humble opinion, is that a lot of people want Jesus Christ as "Savior," but not as "Lord." The "issue" is that God has revealed HIS "opinion" to us and we are HIS servants, not the other way around.

As for "throwing my belief system in to the fray," YOU opened the door and DID NOT say, "Christian beliefs are excluded from my offer to 'Discuss'." There is, and was, no "fray," other than your perspective that was tossed out as "Fact" in your opinion, while using "success stories" of children whose parents divorced to bolster your opinion. Equally as "valid" are "disaster stories" of children whose parents divorced to suggest that divorce IS damaging to children.

What you are doing, in MY opinion, is supporting the misguided "notion" of Wayward Spouses that "the children will be all right." I think you are wrong in asserting that there won't be negative outcomes for children. That some children are able to "overcome" the disaster of adults (adultery and divorce) does NOT make "not staying together for the children" an INVALID reason to undertake Recovery following adultery.

I do not believe in saving marriage at all costs, but when one has children, there is much more to consider than just one's own PERSONAL "happiness." Children are severely psychologically impacted by divorce, so a responsible parent will also take their best interests into account. Its not "all about us" when we have kids.

lol. I cannot believe what I just read. Are you for real? Do you really not see the true undertone of your posts? I don't need to be preached to, nor does anyone else. If you don't think that people should get divorced in the face of infidelity, because of children, then just say so...that's fine. But, your opinion on "God this...and God that", and saying that "people want Jesus Christ as their savour and not Lord" is just YOU doing the exact same thing that you are claiming I'm doing. Do you not see the hypocrisy of your statements? You are blaming me for drawing conclusions on misguided facts...but you are preaching religion...WHICH ISN'T FACT !!!!

You will have to excuse me if I get a little bit perturbed when someone uses religion as a crutch for every single subject, every single time.

In short...you have yet to state a fact. If you want to preach to me on not doing so...time for you to follow it up with some of your own. Otherwise, you are just the pot calling the kettle black.

So no, I don't believe its a COP OUT to "stay together for the kids." I think its a moral responsibility to TRY and stay together for the kids if the marriage can be saved. I can't think of a better reason to stay together and try to save the marriage than that. Kids are not disposable commodities to be kicked aside in pursuit of our own "happiness." We are also responsible for their happiness.

introvert, are Christians banned from this discussion? What gives with your assault on FH?

Introvert, I'm just curious as to whether you found any of the many other posts helpful to your understanding of why some parents do stay together for the kids?

That's understandable. But, I guess what I'm wondering is...who is the governing authority on whether the parents are causing more psychological problems by trying to work on the marriage or not. There are also some very damaging households with parents "staying together for the children"...how can that not be damaging to a child psychologically. I remember 2 friends of mine in school (brother and sister) who had parents that were using the "we're just together until the kids leave home" deal going on...(who here hasn't heard that one used). They really messed the kids up by using, what i would describe as a "copout", to basically justify putting their marriage problems on the back burner and using the kids as an excuse to do so. Could you imagine being a child living in a broken home (feuding parents in the same home is still a broken home) and having the burden of thinking that "you" are the reason that the parents will not move on with their lives and be happy?

I know it's a very touchy subject...AND I AM NOT DRAWING CONCLUSIONS...just to make that clear to "some" people. If I already had come to a conclusion, I wouldn't be talking about the subject...there would be no need.

Thanks for the response

I am not an authority on who can post or not, and I hardly see an "assault". All I'm saying is that the same thing FH is preaching to me to not do....FH is doing. I am Christian, btw. Are we now ignoring the fact that someone entered a thread and tried to say that my intentions are negative, when they obviously were not...because THEY are Christian? I sure hope not.

introvert, actually studies show that children from bad, chaotic homes [excepting abuse, of course] do much better than children from BROKEN homes. It has long been known that children suffer psychological damage from divorce. If a home is bad, then the answer is to make it GOOD, not to get divorced.


I would know that my parents loved me and put my best interest first. This is supposed to be a bad thing? :eek: Kids don't give a DAMN about their PARENTS "happiness;" they care about THEIR OWN HAPPINESS, which comes from having both of their parents in a secure home.