I can speak from a males point of view that the thought of not living under the same roof as my daughter provides incredible motivation for me to forgive me WS and work on the marriage. Some would probably say that is selfish and it probably is but the 'system' is set up so that even though my W had an affair if I divorce her she will get custody and I will become a weekend dad. I think the 'system' is a big part of the problem. My W made a choice to go outside the M. Granted, we had issues in the M or we wouldn't be where we are but she is the one that decided to go outside the M. Our 'system' doesn't hold her accountable at all for that decision. So, I am left with the choice of divorcing her and basically losing a huge amount of my time spent with my daughter or sticking it out, working on the M so that I can be with my daughter on a full-time basis. Many will say this is the wrong decision but as long as we are working towards a healthy reconcillation in the process and not subjecting my daughter to an unhealthy household (as much as possible) then I see nothing wrong with this decision. If it wasn't for my daughter I would already be gone. It's not a copout....it's as real as it gets.....

Mindshare

No doubt about it. You're going to find success or failure (dependent on which you are looking for) in every senario.

If I had time I would give you a laundry list of concerns I had when srtuggling with "stay and work on the M" or "throw in the towel on the M".

There was no wrong answer.

I can only speculate, leaving would have been much easier on me.

If you stay and DO NOT work on the M, the kids will suffer.

No, I do not believe any of my three children would ever say "I'm glad mom and Dad divorced".

Why does the solution have to be to GET DIVORCED if there is marital discord? Wouldn't the more logical answer be to SOLVE THE DISCORD?


just trying to think outside of the box here....

Yes, some were helpful. But, I guess it's really a subject that I'm not going to ever get completely cut and dry conclusion on. I think it was best summed up when someone (to lazy yo go back and look) said that unless people who say "I'm staying for the kids" actually had gone through this without kids....they themselves don't even really know if their reason for staying is true...given the fact that so many of us said "no way I'd deal with infidelity" and we are still here dealing with it. JMO

Taking this on a tangent a little bit if I may...Is there such a thing as getting a divorce for the sake of the kids? My wife has told me several times that she doesn't want our kids to grow up with parents that fight all the time, it's better for them if we were divorced.

This really doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me, but can anyone else see this line of thinking? I understand if the parents are unwilling to make changes or truly believe they are not at fault, then perhaps a divorce is better. But if both parties recognize there faults and agree that they need to be fixed, why is divorce better?

That's cool. I'd like to see the studies on it...I'll check it out online. I do however fail to see how parents feuding in the home would make the home secure, though. My friends from school are a prime example of that. I think that in a situation like theirs (and many other homes) causes more damage than a divorce or seperation would do.

I disagree with this 100%. I have a 12 year old that would also say this is wrong. I KNOW that I would have been better off being raised by just my dad. There are quite a few situations where a child would be better being FROM a broken home than living IN a broken home.

huh? That makes no sense. Many people DO STAY and try to work it out because there are KIDS who might not have made that choice if there WEREN'T.

Why in the world would that reason "NOT BE TRUE??" Are you saying that staying for the children is not a LEGITIMATE reason and staying for my OWN PERSONAL HAPPINESS IS?

I hope that is not what you are saying.

Very honest answer...thank you.

There are situations D for the sake of the kids is true. Any type of abuse included.

But, I suspectmore often than not. That statement is a copout for "I'm not willing to do the work".

yep

Because, sometimes divorce is the only answer. Even Dr. Harley attests to that.

FH preaching...never.

As a kid who is from a BROKEN HOME, i can tell you, and studies affirm this, that kids don't give a DAMN about their parents happiness. They are self centered by nature and are focused on THEIR OWN happiness. The fueding in my own family was a bother, sure, but when my parents divorced, everything CHANGED. I was a broken CHILD when that happened.

That being said, we are talking in generalities here about very subjective situations, and some homes are so destructive that divorce IS an improvement. It just depends on the situation.

And oftentimes, resolving the MARITAL DISCORD is the answer.

Mel, what study shows kids don't care about their parents happiness? I have seen the broken home studies...but would love to read the study that somehow shows kids don't care about their parents happiness.

BTW...Hi.

I don't have kids and don't claim to be an expert...but, from past experiences with friends in this type of situation, Id say that parents do have the opportunity (as much as anyone else) to get divorced, move on with their lives, meet new people, and start "healthy" relationships. How could their children not benefit from their parents being in 2 healthy relationships over an unhealthy 1? Life doesn't stop after divorce.

You state that "if both parties recognize there faults and agree that they need to be fixed, why is divorce better?"...it wouldn't be better in this case, JMO. I wonder more about parents who don't recognize their faults, and don't try to fix things.

I used to say the same thing when I was younger. Now that I've grown, the understanding of what the promises we made years ago really mean is more clear. It may be easier to leave in the absence of kids but the meaning isn't any less. Two people made promises to each other which they failed to hold themselves to. Yes people change, we all know that. How many of us can say that if we had been armed with the same knowledge at 22 or 32 yrs old, would we be in the same situation we are now? I know for a fact I wouldn't be. Staying for the kids is admirable, but unwise unless improving the marriage is the goal. Any kind of emotional stress is unhealthy for kids but prolonged distress from an unhealthy marriage is just as bad or worse than a divorce, IMO. My WW used that statement to justify her staying with me for the last 5 yrs or so, fog? I don't know, I hope so. But if we save our marriage, her "staying for the kids" would be a factor in our staying married wouldn't it? That would make it worth it right? Just some food for thought. Staying married is different than saving a marriage.

Hey there!

I have never heard of a study that said kids don't care about their parents happiness. What psychologists have said is that children are, by nature, concerned with their OWN happiness and very self centered. Children do not have altrustic tendencies and tend to be self centered, not other centered.

I agree...IF both parties are willing and able to fix the issues and thus have a happy home, children would be better off in an intact family. If not, they would be better off in a divorce situation. I lived it...my son lived it (and I know he is better off with his mom not being a constant disruption to our happy home) and I know lots of others that live it too.

That is not to say the ideal is not an intact and healthy family...make no mistake...it is.