I feel for you pom. It can't be fun to go through any of that. Sorry dude. And, please forgive my questions...they are asked without malice...I swear.

I will ask the question though...why can't their mom be involved in the party at your house? And, do you hold the divorce responsible for not being able to co-exist with xww?

Your last sentence seems a little strange to me though...I'm not sure how you enduring personal unhappiness would help for the their sake...would they not see you are unhappy whether their mom was home or not?

I won't claim to be an expert at the causes of a child's broken heart, but how have you come to the conclusion that their hearts would be better served if the divorce didn't happen?...and I ask this with complete sincerity....I literally don't know, and would like your input. Thanks.

I think "staying for the kids" is a cop-out if the spouses involved continue with unhealthy patterns of behavior while using their "bad M" as excuse not to have to change on an individual level. Also,staying for the kids becomes a cop-out in situations of co-dependency. The co-dependent spouse will tolerate physical, emotional, or even SA and say it's "for the kids" instead of getting self and kids away from a horrible, destructive situation.


For the many dads who are willing to stay, I think they believe it's a safety issue for their kids. I mean, if a mom can diss her M and go off with another man,how does he as a father ever feel safe that she'll make good choices where men are concerned and not bring a man that would harm his kids into their lives? Plus, there's a financial aspect, if he's busy working to support his children in 2 different households (dad's plus mom's) to keep them out of poverty,then he won't get to spend time with his kids. It's easier for him as a father to have his wee ones under his roof. And in many states, that means staying with a WW to do so because the *mom* is given preferential treatment. This is what many guys I know who've stayed have said.

Questions like why can't mom come to dad's for a party and whether enduring personal unhappiness is best for a child are only relevent to specific situations. Pomdbd3 has his answer in his situation. But they are all different. I am divorcing because my Wstbx is filing. I was never asked, nor given an option - I was just told. (it was my choice to abandon plan A and not to pursue recovery but it was never my choice to divorce) I could have all the purest intentions in the world but the decision to divorce does not have to be agreed upon by both parties. If WstbxH and OW have a party for DS at their house, I am not welcome. My DS is old enough to understand but not everyone's child is. They have already done this to OWH with his DD.

Regarding personal unhappiness, events leading to the prospect divorce are going to or have already caused serious damage to the child. A parent may endure personal unhappines as a form of damage control. No, it's not ideal but in some cases it is better for the children. Not all, but some. Each situation is different.

well put tabby...

these ponderings here on "this" site...are very painful to many,,.

people and divorce on this site are usually NOT born of two grownups making decisions with peoples/children best interest in mind...but made on selfish whims involving third party interlopers....

what BS wouldn't give their soul to have the opportunity to make informed choices about their lives and childrens long before an affair partner/betrayal is also thrown in to the mix

people who say I am staying for the kids have a thousand reasons for doing so...each one personal...

and each one painful

the choice to force one childrens in to a false visiting relationship with the "new" mom or dad...all in the name of parents happiness....vs staying put for the kids...e

the belief that children will embrace the affair partner...etc etc etc.

the direct selfish acts of the affair prior to discovery that hinge on abuse....

and the thrust to force those children in to integrating their lives with the very person that put their emotional and financial well being at great risk...

uggghhhhhh

I don't think the idea of staying for the kids even when the mantra that one wouldn't stay if children weren't involved is so very black and white....and an idea to be out like that of the do-do bird....

ark