On July 10th, it will have been 2 years since my d-day.

Those 2 years have been far and away the worst of my life. I’m sure many of you understand that.

For the most part, my W has been remorseful and transparent. She has been as supportive as she can, but it’s not easy when she asks me what she can do and I don’t know what to tell her. She tries to understand the pain and suffering she’s caused me, but of course she can't.

I’ve gotten pretty good at maintaining a “normal” exterior for work, interacting with my kids, etc. I can save my breakdowns for when I’m in bed and the lights are out, or when I’m in the shower, etc.

For some reason, I tend to cry during every sad scene of every movie I watch these days. I watched “The Story of Us”, and it was the first time I really cried during a movie. Not "teared up"...I mean I cried just about the whole way through.

I’ve managed to keep the weight off that I lost after d-day, but I’ve developed a thin spot in my hair in the last year. It came on very quickly, so I believe it is stress-related. Just what every BS needs…a decline in physical appearance. Maybe it will grow back, but I doubt it.

This experience has taken years off my life. I can feel it in my bones.

Most days I feel like I’m settling for a lesser life. Yes, my W is sorry, probably won’t ever cheat again, blah blah blah. The damage is done. Yeah, I love her. I still feel obligated to her, and I certainly love my kids, but…

I feel like my life has been downgraded. It’s not bad enough to split the family and file for D, but I’ll probably never be truly happy on the inside. It’s sort of a “can’t live with her, can’t live without her” situation. I know I can keep up the exterior indefinitely. Probably for my entire life.

When I think about what could’ve been, how it should’ve been, I start to grieve for the feelings I used to have for my W. Now, I don’t think they’ll ever come back.

She’ll always be a wife/mother/cheater in my eyes, and it breaks my heart.



For those of you who have passed the two year mark, how were you
doing when that day came?

Oh man now you have me depressed. I am past the one year mark and feeling like you describe. I have really been holding onto the notion that it would get better by the two year mark since everyone says it takes two years. But from you describe it does not get better, you simply resign yourself to living the best life you can given the cards you have been dealt and keep mourning what could have and should have been.

Krazy,

I feel for you my friend. Only cause I BTDT.

I just past 6 years since Dday, and have had and still have the same emotional rage from time to time as you have described. That's why I always discard this MAGIC 2 year mark as a time when you should be completely healed. It's a myth, and your timeline for healing is as individual as your fingerprint.

2 years, 6 years, 20 years, who has the authority to dictate over your emotions?


Oh, I know, it's like living on top of a volcano and constantly pouring lime down there to quell the chemical reaction to what's happening down there. All to keep up the :
Give yourself a break and toss aside this foolhearty quote about two years, and realize, it will take as long as it takes. Nothing short of that will suffice.


Some shrinks call this " fake it till you make it." It has some merit as time does help fade the acute pain. But it won't erase your memory unless you have a frontal lobotomy. I considered it at times, seemed OK to me.


And this is important! You must completely grieve what you have lost(ie: a perfect M) before you can begin to heal.

the final stage, from my experience, is to accept the loss, and accept the less than perfect M that you believed you had. Take time for yourself to breathe and relax. Think of yourself half way through a marathon and now you've decided to rest for a while before you continue. I do this all the time. Take a rest and do something for yourself for a change. Go boating or golf or whatever. I tool myself out to a fine resteraunt the other night. Felt so odd to say table for one.

You will NEED mental escapes and breaks from time to time and your FWW will simply have to understand that this is a permanent consequence to her horrible choices and the pain it has caused you.

Hang in there Bro,

All Blessings,
Jerry

Wow Krazy...take the kids out of the equation and you have summed up my life in a few paragraphs. I really hope that it gets better for you, me, and every other BS dealing with this monster.

Very helpful advice shinethrough...I'm going to be selfish and steal some of that advice for myself

Krazy,

I just wanted to reach out and say that I've been thinking about you TODAY. Hang tough ... maybe take shinethrough's VERY good advice and do something for just YOU today.

Jerry, that was a GREAT post and I mined a few "nuggets" of wisdom for myself from your comments to Krazy.

Krazy, at times it appears that you are misunderstood here by some, but I have always completely understood where you were coming from. This may not mean anything coming from an annonymous internet poster, but as a fellow BH ... you have EARNED my complete RESPECT.

Now go do something SPECIAL for yourself TODAY!!!

Sometimes I am legitimately an a$$. It seems like some people come here and are themselves...sometimes I come here so I don't have to be myself.

I'm not always angry, and you probably wouldn't be able to tell (face-to-face) even if I was.

I'm a bit of a fish out of water here...I don't need to implement plan A or B, no need for a 180, and I've researched infidelity enough to receive my honorary degree.

I mostly come here to vent, occasionally try to help a struggling BS, and read the experiences of others. There aren't many places where you can do that.

I'm thinking I should get a plaque, a medal, or something today.

Krazy (and others)--

OK, so ironically enough, our D-day anniversary (the one no one wants)-- is also the 10th-- and also 2 years. (I am the FWW).

H and I have had our ups and downs.

I'd like to say more ups than downs, recently though.

I am at a loss as to what to do. I know H is in a bad mood- his away message on IM (we talk on IM all day while at work every day) is "gonna be away for awhile-- didn't want to talk much anyways".

So-- what do I do? Is there anything I can or should do?? Or should I just be here and let the day pass??

If a BS (and, specifically, a BH) could have his way on D-day anniversaries, what would you want the FWW to do or not do for you?

He's already brought it up himself today. I just keep saying "I'm sorry". He said something about that's why he's been distant recently. I just said "I'm sorry". I just keep saying "I'm sorry" but I don't feel like it is enough.... but I don't know what else to do. I don't know if I should let it pass and let it die, or try to do something. Will doing something make it worse?!

Thanks,
E.

In honor of surviving the wreckage of infidelity, I bestow upon you the GOLDEN HUBCAP. Hopefully, some time in the near future, you and your FWW will earn yourselves the Platinum Hubcap, for those couples that finally CLICK in recovery, and the healing truly begins.

One thing I wanted to ask you. Do you ever show your wife your pain, or do you only cry in private? Do you think it would change anything to at least tell her about the crying, and the whys behind it? I just wonder if you couldn't allow her to hold you.

Not being a guy, I really don't know how you would feel about that. As a woman, if my husband were to come to me needing comfort for the raw pain, I would feel closer to him in that moment. I suppose not all women are like me, and could see it as weakness.

Just wondering.

Call it pride, call it machismo, or just me being stupid...after my initial weeks-long breakdown after d-day, I quit showing that stuff to FWW.

As a BH, this was a terrible blow to my self-esteem. Other than having your genitals removed completely, I can't imagine anything more demeaning to a man than his W sleeping around. I guess it's a "guy thing", but I don't want to appear weak in front of her any longer.

All I can suggest are the things I would like, but won't receive today. I'd ask for them from my FWW, but having to ask defeats the whole purpose.

A love letter. Handwritten, not a Word document.

A romantic dinner, at home or a restaurant..

SF.

Simple, huh? I can see why some BHs wouldn't want anything unusual, though.

Well, we're approaching D-Day + 1 year on the 25th, and we actually discussed how we would handle it the other night. Speaking only for myself, and I believe that FogFree is agreeable, I hope to be able to just let the day pass without acknowledgement, just like we did on our wedding anniversary in April.

It may be easier for us this time, since we will be on vacation that week and will hopefully have plenty of pleasant distractions, but I'm going to do my best to just let the day pass.

Thanks MR and Krazy.

I've really been going back and forth whether to 'do' something, or let it slide by.

I know its eating at him.

Krazy, I was thinking of doing something very similar to what you suggested (only I was gonna get a card, and write in it...). SF-- well, I got turned down last night, so I can try again tonight, but I've been turned down more recently than actually "accepted" for it...

I just keep going back and forth. Its like if you acknowledge it by going out of your way (dinner, whatever) then well-- you are ACKNOWLEDGING it. And I don't want to acknowledge it. Truthfully, I wish I could just cut this day out of the calendar and it could go the way of Shmonday. But then again, if you DON'T acknowledge it, its like I'm not acknowledging his pain either. I want to acknowledge the pain, do something to ease it... but, NOT somehow just incite more "thoughts" of the day and WHY I'm doing those things, you know?

Hmmm...

I don't know. It's really a struggle...

We bought a new car for me, so tonight we have to go and pick it up. I was thinking afterwards I would ask for him to go for a ride with me and take him out to dinner. Give him the card, something.

I don't know... this is tough.

Krazy, I like your suggestions though....

E.

And your wife is suppose to know that you fall in the first category and not the second category of BH (that wouldn't want anything) how?

Don't want to harp on you...just wondering how she is suppose to know the difference. Is she a mind reader? It's not like you would be telling her what to write, just that you need to see it even more today, in her words, unedited by technology. How does she know this an EN of yours today if you don't tell her?

This is my problem as well. If I ask for something, and she obliges me...then it does not have the same meaning.

Really, anything short of her taking out a full page ad in the local newspaper to tell me, and everyone else, how much of a great husband I am, would probably fall short right now anyway. But that's just me.

Krazy, gonna go with jlr here.

Its eating me up inside which category my H falls into. I fear that it is "too late" to ask though, since today is the day.

Honestly, I forgot.

I know that sounds insensitive and totally inane, but I did. Until he said that he had been distant recently because of what today is... and it took some staring at the calendar....

And I realized we were 2 years out.

And now I sit here, wondering what to do. Do I do something? Or does that make it worse, to acknowledge what today is?

And wishing I would have DROVE to work today. I took the bus, so I don't have a car here. I would have gone to see him for lunch or something, break up the day. But now I have no way to get to where he works from where I am, in a reasonable amount of time (I could take the bus, but it would take me forever to get there and back...and then I'd end up having to stay at work late, which sort of defeats the purpose...).

I guess I just don't know where the majority of men would fall.

Krazy, maybe you should send her a quick email that just says you'd like to do something special tonight to try to erase the bad memories associated with the day? Leave it at that? So it is like a compromise? SHE does the planning, but at least she KNOWS that you want something planned?

E.

There you go....make a personalized calender without d-day on it.

Krazy,

I hear ya on so many of the things you said.

I can relate to this so much...

The only way I can describe it is my "emotional teacup" has been full ever since D-day, and it's an effort to keep it balanced every day.

I didn't know if anyone else felt that way too. I was beginning to wonder if something was wrong with me.

I don't have an advice to offer(other than I really like SL's idea) but just wanted to say thanks for sharing.

We've been married nearly 13 years. She knows I like those things.

Besides, it shouldn't take a d-day anniversary for a spouse to do those types of little things.

Imagine how crummy Christmas would be if you had to ask for every gift.

Strangely enough, my wife DID take out an ad in the local paper for Father's Day. Not a full page, but it was a great gift.

[smarta$$]I wonder how she knew I'd like it, since I never asked for it?[/smarta$$]

Wow, just caught up on your story Krazy... that is, well, crazy.

I think I've decided that we will go to dinner at a seafood place that we both like a lot. We just got back from a (very good) vacation last week... at the beach... but both commented on the lack of seafood at the place where we stayed (a resort). So, some seafood dinner and a nice card/hand written letter are in order.

I was going to "make" dinner, but really we both enjoy cooking a lot, and me "making" him dinner isn't that much of a treat because we both like cooking so much that it is sort of just like doing something we enjoy. Most of our meals are a compilation of stuff we both made anyways. Hardly ever does one person or another "make" dinner-- making dinner for each other is good, but not that "special" for us.

Then after we get home, I'll give him a nice massage. And SF if he doesn't turn me down... again.

How does that sound? Not over the top, but also it should be a nice evening...

E.