What happens when the affair ends? How long does it take for a WS to go through withdrawal? And how common is it that the WS decides that they will walk away from the OP AND the marriage and start a new life?

I honestly think that my WH and OW stopped seeing each other around March. I don't know if there is contact between them but I think the romance is gone. I base that on the fact that WH does everything on his own or with his (male) friends or his brother. MIL told me that he didn't even celebrate his own birthday. He has always celebrated it with a big party for everyone but this year he did nothing. I know that I should be completely dark but I am curious and have always been so I let her talk.

She told me that the room where he lives looks more shabby every time she sees it and that he has put a white bed sheet in front of the window to keep the sun out. He used to enjoy home decoration! He was the one who picked out the curtains for our house. And most of the time he is out riding a bike or indoors fixing one. She told me that he says that he misses me but he "can't" commit to our marriage because he doesen't know if he wants to recover our relation.

What do you think? Is the affair still going on or is this withdrawal? Or is it a WS who realized that the magic romance was nothing more than a hormone trip and is to proud to admit it?

I have to add that I am worried that I was the cause of our marrital problems. I did not give him attention and affection before the A and he actually complained about it but I did not understand. I have learned that he is 100% responsible for his choice to have an affair but I am partly responsible of the state of our marriage. What if it was so bad that he decides that he never wants to revocer and it is all my fault? I have done plan A with lots of attention and affection and avoided LB's but I am so worried that it wasn't enough. I really love this man and he has been the stable point in my life.

Did you write a PLAN B Letter?

Thank you mimi.

Yes, I wrote that he must stop all contact with OW and show me that he wants to recover our marriage. I wrote that I love him and that I can forgive him but that he must do his part.

I am quite sure that he knows what he has to do for me to accept him back but I just feel that he is still not interested. Hence my question about withdrawal.

How long ago did you send the letter?

I initiated plan B June -07 and I kept it strong but then I broke NC with him around Christmas. I felt that he would never dare to approach me if I didn't let him know that I still cared for him.

At this point he actually broke off with OW and told me about it but he did not commit to our marriage. We met a few times and then I decided to go NC again in February. I wrote a new letter to him similar to the first one. I think that he saw her in March but it seems to be over now.

I will not approach him now, he must come to me, but I want to know what to expect. Besides I really miss my loving husband and wish that I could have him back. Not that I have seen any signs of him for the last 1 1/2 years, sigh.

Given what you report, I think this is a GOOD PLAN!


Harley says 3 to 6 months of WITHDRAWAL..but when there is ANY CONTACT whatsoever, the clock starts all over again..I think it is longer for LTAs..my H's took the full 6 months..he wasn't NORMAL for a year...

Mimi, thank you so much for taking your time to reply to me.

It is reassuring that your marriage has recovered despite an affair and a long withdrawal. I am happy for both of you. I will try to think about that and be patient.

WH met OW at his workplace and now he is looking for a new job. He seems to be looking for a new look too, apparently he has been growing a beard (I can imagine that it looks kind of sparse lol), he has dyed his hair bright red and at one point he shaved off his eye brows. Something is definitely going on in his head, I just hope that my plan A was good enough to leave him with a vision of a marriage worth to recover.

Those CRAZY ALIENS...

I wish YOU all the BEST...

Keep hanging in there...

Thank you so muck mimi.

Sometimes I miss my H so badly but I keep telling myself that I don't miss my WH and it won't do any good to see him, rather the opposite.

I don't know if he has hit rock bottom yet or if he ever will but it struck me as odd when I heard about the shaved off eyebrows.

At the moment I have no idea what is going on in affair-land and I'm proud - and happy as well. I will not snoop and I will not talk to people who tell me about STXWH.

Sometimes I feel so sad because my STXWH has abandoned me. I thought that he was my family and my best friend and he just left. I don't know if he really thinks that he doesn’t love me anymore of if he left to be with OW. I know that I should not be sad, I should be happy for all the new opportunities and thankful that I got rid of a cheating idiot.

Tonight I had the most vivid dream about STXWH. He had asked me to come and see him. When I entered his room it was a complete mess and reeked of sweat and alcohol. The kitchen was full of empty pizza boxes and the bathroom was full of used sports clothes. STXWH was sitting alone on the couch, he was skinny and looked as if he had not slept for a week. The affair was over and he realized that he had destroyed everything.

This was just a dream but the description of his room is actually not that bad except for the smell. I want him to come to that point, I want him to realize that his affair is wrong, and I don't want to be gone when he does so. I want to be able to say to him that "ok, you destroyed everything, here is the way to fix it if you want to".

But what if he never gets there? What if he just goes on with OW until they both get bored and then moves on to someone else? In that case I would rather just forget about him and hope to meet someone else. I want to have a family and I can't wait forever. But I still love the [censored].