hey guys....so alot has happened to me since I was last here....

I got involved with a guy who is in the air force and stationed here. I wasn't really looking for anyone when I met his it just happened and started blossoming from there. We had a great start things were good for our first month and a half. Then one friday we had a small tiff but we talked and everything seemed okay. We had plans sunday. He never showed up.

I was really hurt and upset. for the life of me I couldn't seem to figure why I was upset over such a short term relationship. Then I got to thinking and went and got a pregnancy test and BINGO question answered. I was pregnant, alone, and scared out of my mind. Everything I had planned for my future was now not going to happen. After a week of no contact with him. He called and we disscussed the situation.

He swore he would stick by me and we started seeing each other again. We took trips together and were making our plans for doctor visits so we could both go as he wanted to be there. He has a very demanding military schedule. We seemed really happy. Then the unexpected happened. It is one of the most painful memeories I think I will have in my life. I miscarried. Being alone in the doctors his sgt wouldn't let him leave to be with me. Later that day when he finally was able to get free we were able to spend time together and he just held me while i cried.

Shortly after that all of my pregnancy sympytoms came back full blown. When you find yourself crying while yacking into the toilet and you feel like your chest went 10 rounds with mike tyson. You wonder whats up. So back to the doctors we were going.

He came to my house to take care of me. but after a few weeks he did the AWOL thing on me. I took all his stuff to his barracks found him and told him I was done. We susequently talked and he wormed his way back into my heart.

Then memorial day came around. We went camping with some friends. We were having a wonderful time he was so attentive and great to me. I allowed him to hang with some camping neighbors who were playing drinking games. My best friend and her boyfriend left on sunday but we were staying on for another day...i thought yay time to ourselves. Later that night after having an awesome day and great dinner the neighbors invited us over.

But the camp smoke was making me nausious and he was tipsy so I stayed to myself. eventually someone told him i was not in the best of spirits and he came over and we talked. He was being a social butterfly with the neighbors and drinking. Eventually he was drunk (I gave him leeway it was his break from the military for a weekend). In his drunk rambling I suddenly find him telling me things I DID NOT know about from his past.

Apparently before he joined the military he had an addiction problem. Not only did he smoke Marijuana but had a cocain addiction. This threw me I was shocked. But he said the military changed him he had been clean for awhile and would never do that stuff again. 10 min later I caught him smoking a bowl in a tent with the neighbors....I was furious and let him have it in front of the whole encampment. We went to our tent and fought for 3-4 hours. He said the most horrible hurtful things.

The next day I didn't sleep well and was nautious and felt like general crap. Called my Best friend who wanted to call his SGT on the spot. I came back to the tent and he woke up and I cried and we had SF. I told him how I felt....I had really fallen for him...maybe it was the hormones but I knew how I felt and I would move heaven and earth to give us a try. He said then lets give it a try.

Later that evening we discussed his drug use and i asked if he ever got counceling to which that earned a no and I don't need it. After that I was really worried and having horrible nightmares. I sought out the air force chaplain. Who I told everything and he agreed that my Boyfriend needed help. Unfortunatly the Chaplain had to go to training and was gone for a month. Our appt which BF agreed to go to was in the beginning of july.

I got my test results back and no more pregnancy but the doctor was still concerned and I was being transfered to another doctor. BF said he would stick by and go with me to appts. 2 weeks later he went AWOL from me again and wouldn't return calls/texts. I already had shown signs of post partum depression...and from there it spiraled down further. I couldn't eat/sleep/care really about anything. Lost 20lbs in 3 weeks.

I kept the appt with the chaplain and told hime everything that happened. He really helped me through my grief. He told me i should stay away from places i would bump into BF. I agreed the only thing I would not give up was my Birthday at my local hangout...where I never bump into BF. The owner and manager are great friends of mine and had made arrangements for my birthday.

I was moving forward and healing doing great. The night of my birthday I showed up with a group of 15 people and more eventually showed up to add to that. When we got there...MY ex BF was there.....I immediatly got shaken but MY BFF was totally there for me...I tried my best to just avaoid him...eventually he corned me at the bar. Firt thing I got asked was who i was there with.....second thing was that I looked good (all the while staring at me in a look I know too well). Then he wanted to get into it.

I had been drinking a bit....I let him have it then. Eventually BFF came and saved me. Later on he was talking to me again....things were going better and one of his male friend comes up and physically yanks him away. the rest of the night he and his friend did what they could to try and ruin my night to talking negativly about me to friends to walking past me and brushing up against me. Eventually I was very drunk. A member of my party got fed up and talked to him...his friends began interjecting and saying if we talked we would get back together (no he's had his 3 strikes). She told them both to shut up there opinions didn't matter and it was between he and I we had business still outstanding to settle. He told her when is friends wern't around to interject he would talk to me.

Eventually the night ended.....I don't remember much...i was told someone talked to him and he came to talk to me....i hit my head and I do remember him telling me I was drunk and wouldn't remember much the next day. But then apparently his friends grabbed him one on each arm and carted him off before we really even sopoke. i got upset...then one of his friends tried to start a fight with me.
Then I guess he tried calling me but his friends took his phone and tried to tell me how it was to which the people who were my sober drivers took the phone and told them to stay out of it and exBF could call me and talk.

I called the next day and left a message apologizing and said I was ready for that talk. I called the chaplain and told him what happened. I had been doing so well after he had been counceling me. This has sent me back down. Chaplain even went as far AS pulling BF into his office to dicuss lingering money issues and giving me closure that i need. I havdn't heard much till yesterday...out of the blue. BF calls my cell while I am at work. He leaves me a message saying he is calling to talk about whats happened lately and to call him back. I was shaking. I called after work. No answer left a message. Called this morning and left a message because I will be out of cell service tommarrow. Still no response.

There is the story 2x4 me and do your worst.....

Hon, I think you already know the answer. You guys are trouble. Walk away and find a steady man who will treat you with respect and doesn't have commitment, let alone addiction, issues. Drinking, drugs, disrespectful, IB...you can do better. I'm sorry, but you can.

Consider it lessons learned and do some IC for yourself so you'll be in a better position the next time you meet someone. At which point you will hopefully insist on birth control and an STD test! Maybe that's a good indicator for you that you might want to look for someone who doesn't need to jump in your bed the first few months you're dating, who will respect you more.

btw, I'm sorry for your loss. Your better life is out there waiting, and I'm sure you will have the family you deserve.

unfortunatly the birthcontrol issue....is a problem the doctors have tried everything pretty much on me....and I have needless to say had BAD reactions to.....

In our case.....Condoms break.....It had never had it happen before. It was lambskin....can't use latex.

Here's a thought....don't have sex...


...especially with someone that you have been in a "short" term relationship with.

Why do you think that "trying to get up" has to include a man...any man...one with drug addictions, no less!!

You are 29 years old with a 4 year old son.

You don't need this kind of crap...your son doesn't need this kind of crap. Getting drunk out of your mind and trying to start bar fights isn't going to win you Mother of the Year.

Why would you do that kind of trashy stuff?

I have a 25 year old daughter. She's never been married and she certainly has no children, and I can tell you this....if SHE behaved in this manner...over some man...I would be sooooo disappointed in her. Then I would be livid that she had behaved in such a manner.

Stop with the hooking up...stop with the loser...stop with the drunken acting out...and be a Mother.

JMHO
committed

P.S. You said use a 2 x 4...and I did.

Dump this guy! Also, you have to figure out why you ended up with such a loser. Don't you feel you deserve someone better than this???

OK let me clear some things up....number one he wasn't a loser when i met him....I don't have a loser detector that beeps when I first meet a guy....so I would appreciate the finger pointing that I just went out and sought out a loser stop.... we were together awhile.....he hid his past and the real him very well....I did alot of reasearch into addiction problems after I found out about it towards the END of the relationship......I did what i could to get him some help....and I had decided that was the last thing I was going to do for him....because if I did nothing and something happened I would have not forgiven myself.

His parents decided they are coming out and doing an intervention with him. I am staying out of it...it is out of my hands.

I am not "old fashioned"....If I am committed to someone he is my boyfriend then sex isn't that big of an issue....personally I don't care what people think about that...sorry to sound harsh but thats how I feel.....*shrug*

Secondly I generally DON'T drink....I am usually the sober driver for everyone else....it was my birthday the one day I let loose to have fun.....I love to dance and I am by nature a social creature......I had a multitude of people with me that night....I was with friends.....I TRIED my damndest to avoid him and he sought me out and cornered me. As soon as he started walking toward me they all jumped on there horses and came to the rescue.

we are not together I can't dump someone I'm no longer with. He had his 3 strikes....like in baseball he's out. The only thing lingering is money owed me. I can't afford to pay his debts/go into debt because of him. If I have to go to court over it I will.

Well....ok...if you say so. You commented that it was a short term relationship. If you choose to have sex with someone that you have only been with a short while, you must have been prepared to be a single parent had the pregnancy not been lost.

You all have been on and off and on and off for months. That does not make it a committed relationship and certainly not for him since he seems to be AWOL more than he is present.


I will tell you the same thing I told my daughter. If you are really and truly FINISHED with someone, you do NOT frequent the places that you know they will be there. It doesn't matter if it is YOUR favorite place too. Find another place to go.

The drinking thing...birthday or not, getting falling down drunk does not seem to be the thing to do when you are a Mother.

What's wrong with dinner and drinks with friends....at some other place besides a bar?


The entire evening sounds like a bad case of immaturity to me.



So what was the post about? What kind of feedback did you want?

AND...I thought you said for us to be honest (as in 2x4)..evidently you didn't want it as much as you said.

committed

My post had nothing to do with being old fashioned or not. It had to do with being a responsible adult. You meet someone and within..what?...a week you're having sex? With someone you know maybe 0.01% about? How safe is that for you and your child?

I'm sorry, but if you can't take birth control - amid the hundred or so different ways you can get birth control - you should not be having sex with anyone until you are in a position for that person to be dedicated to help you raise that child. He obviously wasn't; you just called him and HOPED he would be. What kind of adult responsibility is that?

My point is that, if you're truly trying to find a man who will love you and respect you and want to lasso the moon for you, you look for someone who's willing to take it slow. And the guys who won't ask you out again because you wouldn't have sex with them? Why would you want a second date with that kind of man, anyway? That's high school.

Like I said, consider this a lessons learned and respect yourself more. And what I said stands. We are ALL creatures of habit. However we respect ourselves, that is the type of mate we inherently seek out. If we have no self-respect, we subconsciously look for the same type of man, over and over again - the subtle signals you don't realize you're seeking - the guy who will care for himself more than you or has low morals or character.

The only way to get a better guy next time is to do some counseling to learn to like and respect yourself better so the next time a guy goes AWOL oh you, you never see him again.

He doesn't regular that place thats the POINT. He must have found out we were going to be there.....other wise HE NEVER GOES THERE. Usually he stays on base with his miscreant friends because it's cheaper for them to go to the center on base and hang out.

It's a matter of opinion....I'm not 50 I like to dance and I like certain music styles you can't get going to a quiet restaurant....I went through hard times I wanted to go do things I like (dancing). You may not like going out and socializing and don't like the same kind of music I do. SO I go to a CLUB....BFD. It's such a sin to have activities in my life that I enjoy...yes i am a mom....My son goes to his fathers on certain weekends. By your definition...I should sit at home and knit mittens with my cats.....I'm single...and young...and enjoy being in social settings with other people. YOur suddenly making it seem that a one time occurance of being drunk happened and OMG I am a horrible person...so you've never gotten drunk before....I could still walk no one had to carry me. Your reading into things without walking a mile in someone elses shoes.

I've been a memeber hear for years.....and I have noticed alot is that people hear get attacked...even when they are just venting. Maybe they didn't explain things so someone would fully understand them...but people are so ready to JUMP for the jugular here....I remember the days of orchid and the lot who would give constructive criticism and help to find a solution instead of directly telling a person how bad they are because they don't do things your way....

Maybe I trust people too much....I HAVE a big heart. I care a little too much...i love maybe too deeply. Maybe I should just stop caring since....I don't do things the way you see fit.

Nope, knitting mittens for kittens isn't what I was getting at.

IF something happens to you...what happens to your son?

IF you are drunk at a bar, and a fight starts..and you end up in jail...where is your son gonna be? I will tell you...he will be with your X...and not just for the night. He can be removed from you as quick as you can say birthday party.

God forbid...if something permanent happens to you where will he be?

I've had my share of parties...my share of drinks...but NEVER when I had minor children.

It was irresponsible of me to be drunk even once as long as my children were minors.

So...your post was just a vent? You didn't need comment about your behavior?

committed

SIHW,

I think what people are telling you is not what you should or shouldn't do, but that "when you lay down with dogs you wake up with fleas".

IOW, you may choose your actions (start having sex with someone you hardly know, birth control risks, etc), but with your actions come consequences, consequences that are not all that surprising (BF turns out to be a fake, you get pregnant, etc).

As you said, *shrug* - what is the surprise? You chose certain behaviors, and are now facing the somewhat predictable consequences. So are you just venting, or are you really looking for advice?

If you are venting, then OK. If you are looking for advice, then I think it's a tough road to live the lifestyle of becoming intimate with someone you hardly know and not risking getting hurt - again, choices and consequences go hand in hand. If it were me, I'd make some adjustments, but it's your life, so you choose your strategy - just be prepared for the consequences.

AGG

You asked for 2x4's and you got'em. I think you need to listen all the advice here.

You dated a loser and there were red flags almost immediately. You need to ask yourself why you continued on with this guy? And, are you going to end with someone like him again?

It is very easy to find fault in others but difficult to find fault in ourselves. You really need to take a hard look at the decisions you are making.

Let me see if I can get this.

Your life has been drama since you've arrived here on 6/23/04

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubb...amp;Main=6917&Number=59529#Post59529

And you want to be critical of folks who are telling you that you are not doing yourself any favors with your choices.

Can I make a respectful request that you not ask for 2x4's anymore. It appears to me that after cheating on your husband and everything in between, you really don't mean what you say.

Your picker for men may be broken. But none of that excuses your behavior, nor your reactions to the requested 2x4's.

You ASKED to be critiqued and then tell folks BFD, and tell them they are wrong to want you to live up to a higher standard, to have more self-respect and to be slow to choose partners, etc, especially as the parent of a young child.

Frankly, right now I think my 9 year old daughter and my 14 year old stepdaughter both have more common sense than you do. Maybe I can send them by and have them teach you how to say no, how to find value in yourself without having a man around, etc.

Instead of finding another man, I suggest you go back and read your posts. If the posts between your very first post here and this thread are any indication, you are your own worst enemy and apparently are not really good at taking the advice you request.

Perhaps that's the part of the problem???

I think she's gone, guys.

Maybe so.

I just find it rich that she cheated on her husband and has the audacity to stir up all the drama when he says he's done with her.

I'm not saying what he did was right.

However, she broke the vows and he made it clear he didn't want her back.

Let much of her posting became all about how he was doing her wrong, etc.

Sorry, I don't buy it. All the drama, always the fault of another.

I'm not saying we should always treat a wayward like a wayward.

I simply see all the drama here and something doesn't add up in my calculator.