So, it's not in my hands.

So what can I do? We are in limbo right now, nothing in our marriage can be worked on, until that is fixed.

I will go to al anon and I will get help for me. He keeps telling me that alcohol is not the problem or A problem for him.

Tell him that this is his chance to stop this crazy cycle of behavior that will continue throughout his whole life if he doesn't act now. Ask him does he want to continue repeating past mistakes over and over again? Is this how he wants to live his life (failed relationships)? If his answer is NO then tell him he needs to go back to Al anon or other local support and that you love him and will support him. He needs counseling. He also needs to start reflecting back over his life and see the patterns of behavior and ask himself why does he want to continue thes patterns? I once read a really good book called "Spiritual Recovery." It was for alcoholics, recovery or not, and it's based on 12 steps but adds what happens to the depth of who you are (some define it as Soul). If he agrees then you need to start working on yourself. There are many good self-help books. I like Dr. Phils Life Strategies.

And he needs to see that you see it is a problem and that is an issue that needs to be worked on so the M will work. If he wants the M to work he will do anything to help it work. And once one issue is addressed and in the work then hit the next issue and so on. At the same time meeting EN's of each other will help.

sometimes I wish M would come with a manual like some dads wish babies had manuals

He isn't happy what what he is seeing, I got an email. Not sure if it is my thread or his.

He clarified...I told him per email you guys were asking me questions after he posted the tidbit I didn't want him too. He was upset and thought you guys were hounding me. I don't feel that you are. I did tell him to not leave me holding the bag.

He needs to post on his thread and talk about issues he brought up.

BM,

It's called Alcoholism, not Alcoholwasm.

A person doesn't get cured from Alcoholism, they will however, frequently add more addictions to their list. Just like your H has with his swinging, affair, karate/exercise, music, etc.


He will likely try to control the direction things take from here! The number one trait that alcoholics/addicts have is their overpowering desire to try to control everything and everyone. When they fell power and control slip away, they often become more dominating and/or controlling to the point of abuse.

Read this link! It's about dealing with an alcoholic/addict

LINK

Ok, you made me lol a bit. I thought I didn't spell alcoholism correctly. Then I re-read what you typed and got the pun inside.

Odd about the control thing. He feels that I am trying to control him. He said he doesn't want to be puppet. That he should be able to flirt or whatever and be able to be himself.

I don't hear anything about my feelings, just what he wants to do.

He talks of his workouts, gigs, music, diet, etc. We never talk about us.

He doesn't ask about my studies or even if he could help me study. (Self paced accelerated RN program is what I am doing....paramedic bridge course)

I am doing that for more time with him and with my family. So we can do fun stuff. I am paying for that out of my own money and it is not taking away out our household to do so.

I hope you saw my previous link, here's another!

LINK2

"Some people wonder if they are really alcoholics. They may not go to bars, and they may not even get drunk very often. What is an alcoholic? My definition of an alcoholic is someone who cannot follow the Policy of Joint Agreement because of their craving for alcohol. If your drinking in any form bothers your spouse, and you cannot or will not give it up for his or her sake, I consider you an alcoholic because alcohol is more important to you than the feelings of your spouse."

Thank you so much. I needed to see that.

That's him manipulating you! He wants what he wants and is going to blame you if he doesn't get it!

Kinda like taking a little kid through the checkout lane at the store and watching them throw a tantrum. Your H is throwing a tantrum when he says he wants to flirt or whatever. Typical entitlement.
Give me a break! And he blames you, now that's laughable.

You arent hounding him you are letting him aware of what YOU feel is right and wrong. Those are called boundaries. And if you are showing EN's to him is he doing it in return?

Well, if you decide to go to his thread be prepared for the discussions to be heated.

He only posted on his lunch so he would have some privacy - He will be on when he gets home from work and we do have two computers....But that also confuses me.....he is afraid for his coworkers to see him on that site, but didn't honor my wish to have parts of our life on here at all. What is he afraid of??

My take on things were, that if I screwed around on my husband, I would do everything in my power to show him he was number 1. I would not flirt or have female friends online.

He is not willing to do that, for he has done it his whole life and that is who he is. Never mind, it is at the expense of my feelings.

So, when I see things like that, am I wrong to not be seeing much remorse on his part?

He told me today his opinions don't matter.

That he is a puppet.

That he is not an individual in our relationship. (I see him being more self centered with his stuff, bars, music, etc than with me...but..)

Am I awful for suggesting that I need stuff too? Every time I voice my needs, I get the banter from him that it is a drain on him, his personality and his individuality!

Now *I* am getting lost in the fog. I do not think it is too much to ask for.

Um, correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't HE have the affair, and isn't speaking to women online just a precursor for more affairs to come?

He says he's always been doing it, but he has also always been adulterer. It's not just a coincidence...IMO.

Yes he did have the affair.

He did post on his thread, after a heated argument between us.

He said no one should judge him regarding his alcohol drinking, he has only driven home three times when he shouldn't have in the past year. (Actually from January to May...the ONS was the last time he drank too much that I am aware of)

I was a bit peeved when he posted that he is a responsible drinker, after telling me that he only drove drunk 3 times this yr not five minutes before he posted. As a 911 operator and paramedic, I have cleaned up the messes.

What is he waiting for? THe fourth time to hurt himself or someone else!?!? How is that responsible?? He didn't learn after the first time and my GF was the one who told me that he drank too much, he admitted to her he shouldn't have driven home. She told me, I confronted him and and admitted it.

I think driving drunk three times in a 5 month span is unacceptable.

He then accused me of drinking some of the alcohol in the containers....like he kept track. I do not drink before I go to work and every day I have been off in the past 3 wks, he has been with me. So, not sure why he is pointing the finger at me.

He poured it all down the drain, he said he didn't need it. I don't need it.

Not sure how it will stand on nites out with friends and such with the drinking.

Your H is full of what is called "Independent Behavior" and it is one of the Love Busters that can destroy a marriage. He is never home with you, he revolves everything in his life around what he wants and if you don't join him he probably tells you that you're the problem and never let him have fun. And, wait a minute, who's the puppet on a string..... It sure isn't him!


Here's another link to another article.

LINK

BM,

I've never given this advise, but if I were you, I would run from this man.

Weren't you the same or maybe even worse than her WS when you were cheating? How would you feel if someone told your wife what you're telling her now?

That is EXACTLY what we told his wife. Do you have an issue with that advice?

Bullymom, do you go to Alanon? If not, I would advise you to find some meetings PRONTO. You should not do Plan A, but might consider Plan B. Plan A is a DISASTER with an alcoholic because it is impossible to meet his needs. An alcoholic will only use plan A to exploit the BS anyway.

I am going to go read some more, brb.