It's been a while since i posted here. Just a brief description of my situaiton...

Married high school sweetheart, 2 kids, the dogs house in the burbs, etc. We have been together for almost 18 years. After years of emotional neglect and after my hysterectomy, i woke up and realized that life was too short to be unhappy. I told him that i love him but was not in love anymore. And no there is no affair of any sort going on (at this point in the story). There was not another man in the picture emotionally or physically. It took 3 years to get to this point of being able to tell him how i felt.

He was mad, he cried. and we decided to try marriage counseling. During this time also he was not working, nor was activelly looking for a job...we lost our vehicle, our house in foreclosure, he gave up. So when he gave up... i gave up too.

The marriage counseling helped, to a certain degree. There were alot of issues in the bedroom that i needed to get over, which were covered in previous posts. He has a high sex drive, and i have no desire to have sex with him, cause i dont love him. I have had tests run, have taken compounded cream, but i shouldn't need a cream to make me want to have sex with my husband.

We started to argue over the dumbest things, all the time. not in front of the kids though. He moved out for 3 weeks and it was the happiest i have been in a while. I was able to keep the house clean, spend time with the kids, and have time for me. He did alot of soul searching and cried alot and told me all the things that i wanted to hear...I'll do this, i'll do that, it will be different, etc. But in my heart i feel that it is too late. He doesn't understand how you can fall out of love with someone after 18 years. I tried to explain that i don't know if i want it anymore, i want to be happy, life is too short to be unhappy. I let him move back in.. He started to smother me, get jealous of my cell phone reading text messages etc. I have n0 privacy. I told him it's not that i have anything to hide, but it's my phone, my privacy, my business.

I met someone... who was just really nice to me.. He was kind of going thru the same stuff that i was... the emotional void at home, the lack of attention from his spouse, etc. So we started having an EA which led to a real affair. He makes me feel special, loved, beautiful ... it's not all about sex either, he tells me nice things, does nice things for me and makes me feel like i am 17 again. We told way too many friends about our affair, and everyone started to talk about it. It got back to my husband, which he has forgiven me for it and said we can work thru it but i have stop all whatever with this someone. This someone is never going to leave his wife and i would never ask him to, so basically i have been just enjoying the ride til either we get caught or til the end.

He doesn't want me to leave my husband. But there is no way my husband is going to let me have my cake and eat it too. My husband knows this someone is a very important part of both of our lives, and has been the one person telling me to work on my marriage and not throw in the towel. So my husband allows us to talk, limited of course, and no meetings anywhere unless he has knowledge.

My husband does not fulfill my needs sexually, yet this person does. And i just don't know what to do. I know the affair is wrong. But to have said someone, i have to stay with my husband, but i feel i am just prolonging the inevitable because i don't love him. But said someone is afraid that my husband might take his own life if i'm not part of it. But i want to be happy too. So staying with my husband makes me sad and miserable, but makes him happy. it's hard to want to stay with someone that you are not happy with and no matter what they do it's not good enough. I don't think i'll ever love him again. ANd every day is tortue for me.

I have talked to a divorce atty to find out my rights and stuff with the kids and the other situation. We are going to try marriage counseling one more time, but if it doesn't work, i have to do what i have to do...I'm just so ready to pack my bags and head out somewhere. but I can't leave cause of my kids and i would have to do the divorce and custody before i can leave. My brother has offered me a clean slate, a new start and is in a position to help me financially and with my kids and i just so want to take him up on it.

I just wanna know if there are any other females out there that feel the same way i do, cause i feel so lost and confused. To be in love with someone that you can never have, and to have someone love you that you don't love back it torture.. so please help me.

Do you want this thread moved to General Questions II in the Infidelity section? Welcome to Marriage Builders.

you can move it, i wasn't sure where to post.

How long ago did the EA begin? What about the PA?

HOLY MOLY, The OM is porking you and wanting you to save your marriage???????? Give me a break.

CIF, marriage counseling is a complete and total waste of time as long as you are in an adulterous affair with a married man. The only hope of any future in your marriage is to end your affair.

There is no future with this married man. He will not leave his wife for an easy woman who screws around. They never do. He could never take you around his family or trust you. You are a cheap piece of fun and nothing more. The temporary thrill you are getting from having sex with some other woman's husband is doing nothing but degrading you. You have climbed down into the pig pen, not into the screen of Bridges of Madison County. The PIG PEN, CIF.

95% of affairs fail because the very traits that make an affair possible, dishonesty, selfishness and thoughtlessness eventually poison the affair and cause it to crumble. There is no future in your affair. And even if he would leave his wife for you, which he won't, you know what your future would be with a cheater. You would be eternally hated by his children for being his HO and disallowed from his parents home.

He would cheat on you too. But that is neither here nor there, because you and I both know he wouldn' leave his wife and family for some free, unpaid action.

Secondly, are you going to be the one who explains to your children that you destroyed their family so you could be "happy?" Are you going to tell them the truth, that you are having an adulterous affair and are planning to destroy their family for it? That you are destroying another man's family in pursuit of your "happiness"?

What will you say then when your son gets busted at age 13 smoking CRACK because it makes him "happy?" What will you say when your daughter gives blow jobs at school because it makes her "happy?"

See the horrendous lesson you are teaching your kids? That anything is ok as long as it makes me "happy." You won't be able to object, because you taught them to be IMMORAL.

YOU ARE TEACHING YOUR KIDS TO BE IMMORAL BY YOUR EXAMPLE. You are destroying their family and teaching them that wrong is right.

That you are "not happy" is not sufficient reason to destroy 2 families and your husband should set them down and tell them what you are doing is selfish, wrong and immoral.


oh no, your kids will not be "ok." They will never be the same. They will suffer psychological and developmental damage that will effect them for life. Children from homes with bad marriages fare much better than children from broken homes. They will never be the same.

For your reading pleasure:

An Exploration of the Ramifications...nia State University College of Medicine

• Divorce is an intensely stressful experience for all children, regardless of age or developmental level; many children are inadequately prepared for the impending divorce by their parents. A study in 1980 found that less than 10% of children had support from adults other than relatives during the acute phase of the divorce.

• The pain experienced by children at the beginning of a divorce is composed of: a sense of vulnerability as the family disintegrates, a grief reaction to the loss of the intact family (many children do not realize their parents’ marriage is troubled), loss of the non-custodial parent, a feeling of intense anger as the disruption of the family, and strong feelings of powerlessness.

• Unlike bereavement or other stressful events, it is almost unique to divorcing families that as children experience the onset of this life change, usual and customary support systems tend to dissolve, though the ignorance or unwillingness of adults to actively seek out this support for children.

• Early latency (ages 6½-8): These children will often openly grieve for the departed parent. There is a noted preoccupation with fantasies that distinguishes the reactions of this age group. Children have replacement fantasies, or fantasies that their parents will happily reunite in the not-so-distant future. Children in this developmental stage have an especially difficult time with the concept of the permanence of the divorce.

• Late latency (ages 8-11): Anger and a feeling of powerlessness are the predominate emotional response in this age group. Like the other developmental stages, these children experience a grief reaction to the loss of their previously intact family. There is a greater tendency to label a ‘good’ parent and a ‘bad’ parent and these children are very susceptible to attempting to take care of a parent at the expense of their own needs.

• Adolescence (ages 12-18): Adolescents are prone to responding to their parent’s divorce with acute depression, suicidal ideation, and sometimes violent acting out episodes. These children tend to focus on the moral issues surrounding divorce and will often judge their parents’ decisions and actions. Many adolescents become anxious and fearful about their own future love and marital relationships. However, this age group has the capability to perceive integrity in the post-divorce relationship of their parents and to show compassion for their parents without neglecting their own needs.

Conclusions
• Divorce and its ensuing ramifications can have a significant and life-altering impact on the well being and subsequent development of children and adolescents.

• The consequences of divorce impact almost all aspects of a child’s life, including the parent-child relationship, emotions and behavior, psychological development, and coping skills.

• There is a significant need for child mental health professionals, along with other child specialists, to be cognizant of the broad spectrum of possible fall-out from a divorce and then to provide sufficient support for children of divorced parents in all the necessary psychosocial aspects of the child’s life.

[u][i][b]Abuse Risk Seen Worse As Families Change[/b][/i][/u]

- Children living in households with unrelated adults are nearly 50 times as likely to die of inflicted injuries as children living with two biological
parents, according to a study of Missouri abuse reports published in the journal of the American Academy of Pediatrics in 2005.


- Children living in stepfamilies or with single parents are at higher risk of physical or sexual assault than children living with two biological or adoptive parents, according to several studies co-authored by David Finkelhor, director of the University of New Hampshire's Crimes Against Children Research Center.

- Girls whose parents divorce are at significantly higher risk of sexual assault, whether they live with their mother or their father, according to research by Robin Wilson, a family law professor at Washington and Lee University. . . .

- The previous version of the study, released in 1996, concluded that children of single parents had a 77 percent greater risk of being harmed by physical abuse than children living with both parents. But the new version will delve much deeper into the specifics of family structure and cohabitation, according to project director Andrea Sedlak.

confused,

Welcome To Marriage Builders. I am glad you are here. You are a wayward wife (WW), and as such you will have to endure some people throwing rocks at you. There will also be folks to help, if you really want help.

Don't be surprised if your welcome here contains a lot of 2X4s. The members will have a wide variety of responses, and you won't like many of them.

I encourage you to bear with it, and know that you need to read all of the responses, because it is often the responses you don't like that contain the very advice you will need to read.

This is a MARRIAGE BUILDING website. Do not expect to be told about how you can continue your affair - we will NOT tell you to do that. We won't help you do that.

Here's the deal. You probably do believe you aren't in love anymore. But you're probably WRONG.

In fact, you are more likely WRONG about that, and the idea that you are in love with the other man (OM) is going to be shot down here.

The reason for this is that affairs usually follow the very scenario you have described in your post. You haven't described anything "special" to me. I have read your story 100 times here. And believe it or not, about that many times, the WW ultimately decides that she loves her husband (H), and returns to the marriage - apologetic, and working frantically to save that marriage.

Because she realizes that her OM was using her. Despite what the OM told her, she realizes he LIED to her. And she also realizes that she wasn't herself during the affair - that she was chasing a dream, a fantasy, something that just wasn't REAL. That this affair was something that just had a shiny outer coating, and when you scratched the surface it was just plastic. It was not gold.

What would you say if I told you that you CAN fall back in love with your husband?

And that you CAN recover your marriage after your affair?

Would you give this marriage a chance?


SB

The EA began around Sept 2007, the PA end of January 2008

Have your children been told you have been getting it on with a married man? Have your parents been told? Your kids have a RIGHT to know what you are doing because this effects their lives too. Kids can deal with the truth, they cannot deal with lies.

And their father needs to tell them what you are doing TO THEM so they can be protected FROM YOU.

A mother who would do these kinds of terrible things to the ones she is supposed to love for her "happiness" is dangerous to her children. You are dangerous to your family, MADAM.

OK, that explains a lot. I had read your posts from last year and earlier this year,all the way up through April, where you swore there was no OM, no affair of any sort, etc. It didn't add up, because all your lines were the CLASSIC lines of someone embroiled in adultery.

You had re-written your marital history, and apparently even lied to yourself. I have to wonder why you were asking for advice giving false information. Was it so you could tell yourself you had "really tried"??

Please stick around and practice being open and honest with us, and give your husband the 100% complete truth that he deserves. You can change if you want to.

In fact, looking back, your VERY FIRST POST was written right as your affair began, in September of 2007. Coincidence? I think not!

Do you see the significance of this, Confused? What did you have to gain to come here and ask for advice based on lies? Was there a part of you even then that really wanted to fix this, even though you claimed you had no love left? Were you HOPING someone would call you out and force you to come clean?

What a coincidence!! You showed up here on September 22, 2007 and made your first thread:


http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubb...in=145974&Number=1945537#Post1945537

If you want your M to work it will work. Nothing comes easy. I used to want my cake and eat it too...

GET OVER IT.
THIS OTHER GUY IS MARRIED HAS HIS OWN FAMILY NO PLANS TO LEAVE HIS WIFE FOR YOU
AND THE BIGGEST THING YOUR BH LOVES YOU after hurting him with the EA and PA

GET OUT OF DREAM WORLD and yes thats what you are in DREAM world. Where does the OM get off telling you to save your M yet wanna screw you? He thinks thats helping how???

Yes be prepared for 2X4's to come your way but like the other said if its something that offends or gets you upset, more then likely its hitting home.

As for MC. I would get the NC to the OM first and cut all ties to him if you REALLY REALLY wanna work your M out...Then go that route and find a pro marriage one at that.

See Confused..I HOPE that you really wanted fixed.
I HOPE this wasn't a dark ploy, to come post lies for months, so you could use those posts later (just in case you could talk OM into leaving his wife) to gaslight your husband into thinking you had been innocent all that time.
So you could show him those posts and say "See Honey, where I was asking for help trying to SAVE our marriage?" And then you could make him feel somehow responsible for the state of your marriage. Was this your plan?

So, let's see. Your marriage isn't working out...sooo...you go out an screw another woman's husband! So, what did you need to say to yourself to justify that little act....just so you can ride it out till you get caught??? What is up with that? Do you hear how horrible that truly is???? And it is YOU doing it.

You want help....you KNOW what you should NOT be doing. Yet, you choose to do it.

No one can help you until you stop abusing other people.

I am also a WW. Not something to be proud of. But what I am telling myself and what you need to tell yourself that it takes two to tango. This is not all your fault. I am in a similar situation...although I never had sex with the OM. People seem to judge the woman a lot worse than the man is judged...which is not fair. This guy will not leave his wife for you. You should stop all contact with him. It will be hard but keep telling yourself that he was just using you...because as much as you don't want to hear it...he is. I had the same thing happen to me. I know how you will feel. You will feel guilty, used, hurt, ashamed. People make mistakes and you made a mistake..but so did the OM. As far as people telling you that you are a bad mom because of this...give me a break. I'm a mom too and I do not beleive that you should stay in a marriage because of your kids. That is teaching your kids that you don't owe it to yourself to be happy. Would you ever want to see one of your kids do that? No. Do what makes you happy. People will be hurt if you leave but life goes on. Maybe just a seperation for the time might help. You may need some time to sit back and think about what you want. If your husband truely loves you he will let you deal with the hurt and give you time to think things out. You can't control your feelings. But I don't want you to give up on your marriage just like that either. You owe it to yourself to try.
My OM was also telling me that he wanted me to be happy in my marriage. It always seems to be the WW fault when we told lies by someone who knows we are vulnerable.
Hang in there. If you want to have a private converstaion just let me know.

APF is right.

You have to go NO CONTACT with the OM right away.

As soon as you have stopped talking, emailing, calling, texting, and otherwise contacting the OM - and you keep OUT OF CONTACT with him for about 2 months,

your marriage will look like a NEW marriage to you

and your affair will look like the sleazy thing it was.


Because the OM is using you, CIF. He wants to have his wife, and you on the side.

You DO see that, don't you?


Oh, BTW, - this wonderful and terrific love of yours - does the OM's WIFE know about it? Because if it is sooooo wonderful and terrific, don't you think it would be wonderful and terrific of him to tell her? Because if he really luuuvvved you, he would tell her.

Wouldn't he?

Oh wait. He threw you under the bus. That's not love. That's using you for sex. Remember that - CIF, this is a FANTASY - not real love.

Real love is what you had at home - and you were told that the first time you were here.

SB

In my opinion if you ever loved your husband you can't just totally not love him anymore.

In your own words "I love him, but I'm not in love with him anymore."

You may not feel like you love because your love bank is depleted.

I still love my ex-husband who I left 20 years ago because he was a terrible abusive alcoholic. I tried everything to help him to no avail. HE did some HORRIBLE things.
But I never really thought I didn't love him although I told myself I hated him, to ease the pain of divorce.

I believed we married for better or for worse and believe me there were a lot of worse. I only decided I couldn't endure because of he refused or couldn't truly stop.

I saved myself and child by leaving after I had exhausted every means.

If you really think there is absolutely NO hope and he will not try and you can't give up the fantasy of the greener grass then I would take the offer you have been given by your brother.

Think hard, pray and search your soul for the answers only you know are true.

Think of why you ever loved him in the first place. Think and picture how your life will be without him. Seems he is willing to try and that is a blessing.

Also what others have already said, as long as you are thinking about the OM you will not be able to think clearly. Also I could not imagine seeing this married man
HE IS USING YOU. If you like to be used and then get tossed away do it. But the happiness you feel will eventually just be MORE pain and hurt for you. IMHO

God bless

Will you tell this to your 16 year son when he starts smoking CRACK and molesting little girls? Is that the sign of a good mother to you? A woman that teaches her children that wrong is right?

Should kids be taught that anything is acceptable as long as it makes you "happy?" Because that is what a parent teaches their child when they pursue an adulterous affair and destroy their family for their "happiness."

Shouldn't a parent be teaching their right from wrong instead just do whatever makes you "happy" no matter who or what you destroy?

I wonder if Jeffrey Dahmer's mother told him he should just "do what makes you happy, son?" :eek: