A typical Amigo thread

Welcome aboard

Exactly.

You are now officially one of the Amigo peeps.


May I offer my condolences?


Fox

Nah.. I'll wear the badge with pride.. it's not often I find myself in such good company these days.

Well, I've mentioned that I'd post an update in a few places, so here goes.

Had a really good weekend with DS. It was just the two of us this weekend as DD went off to an amusement park with her mom and her moms other two girls for the weekend. It really hit me on Friday though just how much I've missed the comfort and stability of doing the 'morning routine' with DS.. having someone to make breakfast for in the AM, and actually eating some myself.. which does wonders for your day. Typically when it's just me, breakfast is the meal I've been giving up to 'fast' for my family.

We went to the circus and associated fair in the town where I work, which is about a 20 minute drive from home on Saturday, and DS made out like a bandit. I've never seen a kid so adept at those carnie games. I set a strict limit of $20 for playing games and bought a $16 bracelet so he could have unlimited rides on the kiddie rides.. in all we spent about 6 hours at the fair, but the interesting part is that what the $20 in game money netted him.. mind you, Dad just stood back and cheered him on, wasn't allowed (by DS) to 'help' with the games.. probably a good thing too in retrospect.

This was his haul:
Inflatable guitar with an American flag design on.
Stuffed monkey
Stuffed dogs X2 one red, one dalmation
Stuffed snake
Plastic recorder/flute
Pillsbury Doughboy
Stuffed 'Mogwai' Gremlins toy from right out of the wayback machine. The black/white 'Stripe' character before he had his midnight snack.. so hideously ugly it's cute..

The kid seriously RULES carnival games.. the attendant at the little 'toss the softball into the basket' game where the ball ALWAYS pops out just about lost her jaw it hit the floor so hard when DS casually dumped 3 in a row in the bucket..

Now if only he'd use his secret powers on the skill crane at our favorite restaraunt.. there's this hat in there I really want..

Sunday was a bit more tame, we hung out at grandma's house after Mass, and had kind of a lazy day.

The transfer was the 'different' part.. I saw WW pull in just as I was setting DS's shoes by the door so that he'd have everything handy when she arrived, so I told DS that mommy was here, and the pouting and whining started right away.. it was just like it was in the beginning of all this a year ago. He'd even asked me earlier in the day to call mommy and tell her not to come get him.. but we managed to get the shoes on about the time WW came to the door. I collected his bag with many of his carnival goodies inside and by the time I stepped outside, WW had picked up DS.

Typically they head straight for the van, but WW had stopped and was talking quietly with DS at the edge of my front porch (one of those all the way across the front of the house porches made for old time rocking chairs and lemonade and such), so I bypassed them and put DS's bag in the van. As I walked by I heard DS mumbling and whining.. and heard WW say 'Well, you'll get to see him again on Wednesday..' and DS's response, in typical 4 year old fashon was 'But I want to stay with Daddy for a long time!'... I didn't hear the rest, but a few moments later she brought him to the van and put him in his car seat. As soon as his little butt hit the seat the waterworks started.. a full throated fit complete with the 'IWANTMYDADDY' on repeat.

WW's response? 'Ok honey.. we have to go, give Daddy a hug and kiss'... Normally I'd have looked at her like she had two heads, but maybe I'm just getting callous to the fact that at least right now, she's completely heartless.. so I moved in and gave him a hug, and tried my best to calm him down a little.. I reassured him that I'm only ever just a phone call away, and that we'd have Wednesday and the weekend this week, and that mommy loves him and wants to spend time with him too.. it helped a little, but I heard the sobs and cries starting up again as she backed out of the driveway...

I really hurt for DS, and am very resentful of WW's choices that have made this the 'situation' for our lives.. but like I told Bugsy earlier.. this was not MY choice.. and there's nothing I can DO to fix it.. been saying the serenity prayer a lot about this one..

I really don't know if she had a reaction to it.. I 'saw' her enough to know that it was her, but I couldn't even tell you today what she was wearing, much less if there was any emotion on her face.. I saw her.. but I didn't really look at her.. KWIM? I dunno what that's a sign of.. detaching finally maybe? Not 'needing' to know her heart, because I already KNOW it would hurt me?

So here it is.. in the middle of full blown resentment towards WW that I found myself last night, once again praying for patience.. a spirit of forgiveness.. hope and a way for our family to heal..

I asked God the same questions I was asking Him 6 months ago last night and this morning when I woke... why do I still love this woman? How can we ever hope to heal our relationship when her and WB finally meet their inevitable conclusion? How much damage has been done to my relationship with DSD? How can I forgive her for doing this to our children? What is it God that I'm waiting for? Why can't you just send me an 'amazing' woman who will treat me and my children right?

So what's that Amigos? I'm 'detached'.. but still hopelessly in love with a woman who hurts me and my children.. and has no remorse whatsoever..

I dunno.. I'm not feeling 'lost' or 'adrift' today. I'm pretty confident in myself and living MY life, and being a good Dad to DD and DS when they're with me.. but I can't shake the feeling that something is missing..

Maybe it's the time of year? I dunno.. little over 2 weeks until our anniversary.. another week after that will be 1 year since D-day..

Can't say I'm thinking about those all the time.. but it's 'there' in the background noise.. and it bothers me..

Yup, I went through all that. DS STILL tries to stay with me, but he doesn't put up the fight anymore, he's finally accepted the situation.

All I can tell you is that the first year's the toughest. You just gotta get all theses firsts out of the way. All I have left is the one year anniversary of my divorce.

It's never for the best, but at some point you allow yourself to stop loving, wondering, and asking why and that's when you move on and make the best out of what's left in your life.

If you've never heard this song, listen to it good

Rodney Atkins - If you're going through hell

It does lessen, James. Eventually.

It took me a while, but I FINALLY no longer physically feel WxH pain.

My heart would, honest-to-God, HURT when WxH was hurting. His pain was my pain.

The very FIRST time that did not happen since we have been together was when he was up on the stand for our divorce hearing.

Tears in his eyes, quiver in his voice, anguish on his face - he MUST have been hurting. I felt for him intellectually, but not physically. I did not carry his pain within me anymore. My heart didn't hurt, my eyes didn't tear, I didn't choke up.

I am fully ME and no longer a part of HIM.

The love is hard to let go of, no doubt about it.

You will get through it. There is no doubt about that either.

You are doing well, James. Stay strong. I wish my DDs had someone like you and the other Amigos as roll models.

No one is asking for perfection, just an honest attempt at being a good man.


Fox

Gosh, James, that sounds just heartwrenching. That's tough. Hooray for Wednesday!!!

I remember when DS would cry like that when Daddy left. DS did cry once this time around, when his daddy dropped him off, and I just comforted him. I honestly don't know if there is any way to soothe that pain, other than his dad being a part of his life more regularly.

I dunno if what I feel for PWC is really love anymore. I think it's just that familiarity, that strange bit of hope that things will work out, and that PWC will be a part of that. I think it's just my hope that he will one day get how devastating this has all been for his son and myself, and how much loss he caused by his actions, and truly and most sincerely apologize and do whatever he can to help make things run smoothly for DS.

I actually cannot imagine being with PWC. The person that left in April is the only one around, and I don't wanna be within 1,000,000 ft of him. Seriously, if it were not for DS, I would probably pick up and move to another part of the state, still close enough to family, but a fresh start place for me.

I remember when DS would cry like that when Daddy left. DS did cry once this time around, when his daddy dropped him off, and I just comforted him. I honestly don't know if there is any way to soothe that pain, other than his dad being a part of his life more regularly.

That's a 189.39 mile radius. He needs to move.



We all want that (that and a serious run-in with the Karma cement truck). Probably won't happen for most of us.

Agreed.

That's why I'm moving on, truly, finally, moving on. Still haven't called my lawyer. I'll do that this week. I just need to know the basics, re: money needed to get the ball rolling. I'm just being lazy, to be honest.

Thanks guys and gals.. I think I know in my head that it does go away with Time.. that fickle slow Dr. that heals all wounds right?

I think that most of 'me' knows that she's not coming back, and that even if she did, she wouldn't have grown in the same ways that I have.. she still wouldn't be the person I'd need her to be.

Then there's that little voice that's fond of saying 'yeahbut..'

Most of the time I do a pretty good job of tuning it out.. however when I look objectively over the life we built together.. it wasn't bad.. it wasn't the perfect marriage by any means, but it wasn't bad either.. our kids were happy.. for the most part I think we were happy. Sure we had our days but who didn't? Sure there were things about her that drove me nuts, and I'm sure likewise.. but we complimented eachother well.. typically where one of us came up a little short, the other was very strong.. but it does no good to look at that anymore.. so I end up looking at what the obstacles are for both of us having that, if not better again..

Well.. the fact that only one of us cares enough to try..

Why is that?

Well.. it's easier for her to start over with someone else than to deal with the mess we've made of this..

Why is that?

Because it's easy to be who the other person wants her to be.. for a while at least.. maybe it'll become a habit, but I never forced her to be anyone but herself with me either.. She's the one who chose to misrepresent herself..

Don't you think she's doing the same thing with WB?

Sure she is.. she's been telling the same tales for so long that to her it's the truth.. her own family has said as much.. she's done this from childhood on up.

So what does that say about her chances for any future relationships?

Dismal at best.. which is TERRIBLE for our children..

Don't you mean CHILD?

No.. I mean children..

DSD isn't yours..

Doesn't mean I love her any less..

It does to WW

She doesn't know any better.. all 3 of her mother figures vanished from her life in a cloud of hate and bitterness.. at least 2 of them she was better off losing..

So what's the point of worrying about it?

What is DSD supposed to look to for an example of what a relationship is all about? How is she going to feel about men? What kind of treatment will she accept from men in her life as a result of what she's being exposed to? How many men will WW go through before one of them hurts or molests her? It's not like the quality of guys in her life is very high.. her whole family says I was the glowing exception..

But you ended up just like the rest of them..

You can stop that crap right now.. I'm better than that. This is her character flaw.. not mine.

You're insane you know that?

Yeah.. probably.. I am having a dialogue with myself on a public forum.

First step to recovery..

You got that right..

Not that you weren't before, but

welcome aboard, amigo.

This is the worst of it, IMO. We know that this is wrong. We know that it doesn't have to be this way, but there's also nothing we can do about it.

I don't miss the SCQ at all anymore, but I miss being a family. I know how families are supposed to be, and THIS isn't it. THIS isn't what I signed up for, and it's not what I wanted for my children.

If I knew the secret to getting over this stuff, I would share it with you. Clearly, I don't know the secret. I'm afraid that the secret is Time.

All things work in G-ds time SL and you will move when it's ready and its right.

James,

I'm so sorry for the pain and scene you witnessed. I can't even imagine what that would be like. Heart wrenching would be a good word.

Its seems like I am always commenting on how our feelings walk such similar paths, but the good thing is they do go and we find that peace inside until the next time.

There isn't anything that can be said that we don't know. There isn't anything that can be done that makes it better, unless we are with G-d protection, which you and I work so hard for.

Satan has our spouses, but we have G-d and we are in way better positions of recovering at some point. We just don't know when and that's where the FAITH and TRUST has to come in.

I do the same thing, I cry myself to sleep at night begging G-d to remove the love I have for WH so it doesn't hurt anymore. And like Bugs described this morning, when I wake up, he is in my thoughts and prayers, and then I pray for G-d to protect me from those feelings. I want them to go away too. I want to completely erase him from my heart and mind, but it doesn't happen.

So, we hold each other on here up and we move on like good servants to G-d and we just trust him.

Did you read the letter from G-d on Kimberly's thread. It was awesome and something worth reading.

{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}

I know you know it will get better. I know you know the pain subside and we occupy ourselves one more day. But I acknowledge and honor your pain and will send a huge prayer to G-d for you.

And time takes times as my sponsor says. It's just so hard until it takes....

Shhhhhhhh...don't give away the secret.


Life is a journey, time is a river, and the door is a jar.

James, what did your lawyer say about getting the custody hearing pushed up?
Have you hired a PI to verify that kids are with WB a lot ...and that he is staying there?

Nailed it.. right there.

This is the struggle..

Yeah.. I know it's just going to take time.. and patience.. and strength.. and well.. as my Dad always said 'Son.. the currency of life is guts.. and not the kind you put food in.. that's just your life account compounding interest..'

I never really understood a lot of what my Dad said back then..

I miss him though.. though I imagine I'd have gotten past the first 6-8 months of this a lot quicker.. I'm sure he'd have cleaned my clock and got me manned up a bit faster... and I'd have needed it too.

Guess we all get there in our own ways..

((((Queenie)))) Thanks for the prayers hon.. just a little dip today I suppose.. I'm not really hurting.. just a little sad I think. Maybe I'll head out with a friend of mine tonight and see if I can't get the little voice to shut up for a bit..

Tomorrow is bound to be a better day.. DS and I get to hang out again.

Yay Wednesday...

It just sucks I guess that I'm having so much trouble -forcing- myself to enjoy my alone time.. It's like life gets put on hold until DS comes back.. and I know that's short changing DD at times. Then again, she's in full blown teenager mode.. the house could catch on fire and as long as it didn't bother the internet connection, phone line, or the TV she'd be somewhat strangely ok with it.... I must admit though, I do think it's kinda cool she's got my band's music on her profile page.. and still thinks Dad is the coolest guy in the world.. wonder how long THAT will last.. heh..

Atty is trying to work something out with her atty at this point on that.

As far as any other strategy goes.. I'm not showing my cards on the forum.. for various reasons.

I'm glad to see I'm not the only one losing their mind around here..

"There's an old man on the floor so I summon my charm,
I say, "Hey stormband, has there been an alarm?"
He says "Here, they're selling out eternal youth,
They all got afraid, 'cos I'm a living proof.
My name is Einstein, do you know time is a curve?"
I said, "Stop, old man! You've got a nerve!
'cos there's only one rule that I observe:
Time is money, and money I serve!"

"A Wonderful Day in a One Way World", -Peter Gabriel.

-ol' 2long

I think your "in love with her" status is an attachment which is far from good for you or anyone else.

One of the books I read when I was in affair he!! was NOT "Just Friends" by the late Shirley Glass. I do not recommend that you read this book at this point. There would be no point. However, a large section of the book covers the recovery period for a marriage, post-affair. Dr. Glass describes the need for the "story" of the affair to be told, for the thing to be aired out, in order for intimacy to return to the marriage and for the intimacies of the affair to be demolished by the betrayed partner's knowledge of them.

Try to imagine your wife telling the story of her affair to you.

The intimacies of the affair have accumulated to the point where they rival the ones in your marriage. It borders on absurd to imagine your wife would ever be willing to tell you about them.

I think the only way out of it for all involved is for both relationships to end.

You might argue that you continue to technically want the marriage to survive for the sake of the children. You might even have it in you to live out your life that way. But you admitted yourself that you are "hopelessly in love" with your WW. That's not a noble wish to give your children a home with two parents. That is a cathectic desire for your WW. I think it's the real reason you still hope to be married to her, and trust me, that is a baaaaaaad attachment.

If your officially stated reason for wanting the marriage does not match the one in your heart that truly drives you, then you have a small problem.